MESSAGE FROM APP FORUM MODERATORS: This thread contains some distressing content. If you are feeling vulnerable, do take care when reading this thread.
Hey everyone, sorry I’ve not been around for ages, I’ve been in hospital 9 months!
So on Tuesday I asked for some for some clothes as I was freezing cold and they said they were too short staffed to get me any. So I walked down to the store room, kicked the door and got my clothes anyway. Next thing I know I’m being restrained by the ward manager and a nurse and the ward manager got right in my face and screamed “pack your stuff and get out of my fucking ward!”
She then got loads of staff to literally throw my belongings into black bin liners and told me to leave. My parents came up and said I wasn’t stable enough to leave and should do it slowly but they weren’t having any of it and said no matter how ill I became I wouldn’t be welcome back again.
So my parents took me home. I was discharged with no meds, no support from the crisis team, a care coordinator that only works Mondays and Fridays, and no follow up care. My depot injection is due today and I’ve tried ringing the mental health team and my GP but no one is returning my calls. I’ve been without meds for 2 days and I’m withdrawing badly from venlafaxine but the earliest I can get some is today, if I can see my GP.
I can hear voices still and they’re so frightening, they’re telling me to do horrible things. I’m not ready to be at home or be without meds but I don’t have a choice. I feel really unstable and like I might do something to hurt myself but no one cares.
I don’t know what to do now.
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Kats88
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Thanks for sharing what sounds like an awful experience. Is it possible your parents can take you to your GP surgery if you need your depot injection today and meds? He should also be able to find help for you. Otherwise you can go to the A & E at your local hospital as most have a team on site to assist patients with mental health issues.
I'm sorry you're struggling. You can also contact the Samaritans to talk 24/7 on 116 123 or the Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393.
I’m really sorry to hear you have had such an awful time, and are now at home and hearing voices. It sounds so horrible and scary. And I’m so sorry you don’t seem to have the professional support you need.
But well done you for reaching out for support, phoning your mental health team and GP, I’m sorry they haven’t got back to you, I am sure someone will contact you soon. Can you be with your mum or dad or someone else so you are safe until you get the right support? It’s so important that you try to stay as safe as possible and not to be alone. If you feel really unwell do go to A&E and remember you can ring the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone.
Thinking of you kats88 and so sorry you’re in such a hard place, I really hope you can get the support you need quickly.
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. I do hope you heard back from your mental health team today and got to see the GP, or accessed some alternative support.
We’re thinking of you, take care.
Jenny x
Hello Kats88,
me, too. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It is good that you tried to communicate with your GP. I hope your meds will arrive, soon.
Pick up the phone, if in despair. Lilybeth has given you the above numbers from Mind and the Samaritan.
Hello Kats88, Thinking if you after your description of hugely stressful and scary events . It’s good advice that you have already ; keep in contact with your GP . If the surgery receptionist isn’t helpful maybe Mum or Dad could go to the GP and explain your urgency , current situation ? Samaritans ; did you make the call ? They are also helpful.
It’s a very scary place when you feel out of control of your actions .if you can , try some slow careful breathing to help calm yourself . I found this helped to take the edge off
Staff in hospitals also can reach breaking point and do not act in the professional way they should through tiredness stress etc .
Please if possible be around your family or friend(s) not in your own . Life will improve for you I’m sure and you should get the medical help you need now —good luck you can get through this emotional storm, .Take care ! Xx
I managed to get most of my meds from my GP but he wouldn’t prescribe my lithium he said that a psychiatrist has to do that.
I saw my care coordinator yesterday and she was totally unhelpful and just kept repeating “you have to take responsibility for your own life”. I’m not seeing her until next Friday, when I really need to see someone sooner.
I’ve managed to keep myself safe up until now but I feel like I’m losing grip. Xx
That’s really good to hear that you have seen the GP and got a lot of your meds. Can you ask to see a psychiatrist about the lithium.
I’m sorry you found the care coordinator unhelpful. You are doing so well to seek support, see your GP and stay safe. I hope you’re able to be with someone so you aren’t on your own.
Take care
Ellie
Hello Kat,
you are doing exceptionally well reconsidering the circumstances.
Focus on stepping stones, as you've done so far such as connecting with your GP and receiving some of the meds.
I hope an appointment with the Psychiatrist can be arranged. Can you address your mental health team with the support of your parents or somebody else you trust in order to get a prescription (Lithium) from your Psychiatrist? I hope a consultation can be arranged as soon as possible.
I hope you have company today. It sounds like a very stressful time for you but please keep in touch with your GP for support and access to your Psychiatrist.
I took an overdose last night and had the ambulance and police at my house, but I refused to go to hospital. I want to do it again. I feel so rubbish. I miss my babies so much, it’s been a month since I last saw them and I just can’t do it anymore. Xx
Kats88, even in the darkest of times you can come back. You’re so strong to have come so far, and an exceptionally strong and brilliant woman to reach out and ask for help. Trust the people around you. You will see your babies again, hang in there. You can and will get better. Sending hugs from one Mumma to another xxxxx
I’m so sorry you are having an awful time and struggling so much. It’s really important you’re not alone. Can you stay with someone like your mum or dad so you can be safe?
Remember call 999 or go to A&E , if you are feeling really unsafe. And you can also ring the Samaritans. Are you able to contact your mental health team tomorrow so they know how much you are struggling?
So good that you can reach out to us but please do talk to the professionals and Samaritans- they can really help you get through this ..... thinking of you ... warmest wishes xx
Is it possible someone can stay with you tonight so that you can distract yourself from your thoughts? If you have the right medical support you will feel better in time so please hold on. Does your GP have an out of hours service you can ring for someone to visit tonight?
Try to contact your co-ordinator or GP tomorrow to let them know how much you are struggling or ask family or a friend to speak on your behalf. Please trust the professionals who are there to help you. Stay safe and take care.
Dear Kats .you must have been feeling desperately frustrated and angry with how things were to have taken such desperate measures , but I’m sure that working with the professionals will be best for you . You are courageous and strong and you will recover with medical help if you can hold on . You and your babies belong together so don’t let go of hope . You’re going to get well again . Samaritans, GP, ( local church minister maybe to talk to ?) MHT / it’s worth getting a friend or parents to explain how you are currently on your behalf .
Have you tried writing down each day what you want to say ? Please take great care . Something I found helpful was saying out loud “ Slow Down “ !! when thoughts were racing and out of control .
With love Denizt
Hello Kats88,
thinking of you, - lovely response from Denizt above and loads of other mums on this thread with some good ideas and important contacts, especially when moments are rather difficult to cope with.
So basically everything went horrendously wrong today. I took a huge overdose. The mental health team had rung me and said they were coming round, but by then i’d already taken them. The team manager and a nurse came to my house, and asked me to hand over my meds. I refused at first but eventually conceded and handed them over.
They decided to call an ambulance, who did an ECG and vitals. I refused to go to hospital, stating I had insight and capacity so I didn’t need to go. They then decided to do a mental health act assessment with a view to getting me sectioned again, but the AMHP told them to ring the police.
So they did. And two horrible, rude, nasty and unsympathetic male police officers turned up. They decided I didn’t have capacity when I did, and ended up 135’ing me. One of them said “we don’t have time to waste with her so just drag her out”. And they did. They pulled me off the sofa, dragged me into the hallway, pinned me down to the floor and put me in the tightest handcuffs ever.
They carried me to the ambulance service and when we got to hospital said “you need to grow up a bit”. They wouldn’t take the handcuffs off, and I felt like a criminal. I’ve taken pictures of the damage the handcuffs did to my wrists, it was so painful I was crying.
Eventually they took them off and my dad arrived. I’ve never been so glad to see him. The police officers left and I had to undergo blood tests and fluids. The results of the blood test came back showing that my kidneys are failing, so they wanted to admit me. But I refused? And discharged myself against medical advice.
So now I’m at home, my dad is staying over just for tonight to keep me safe. I feel so tired, itchy, and sick. I had antihistamines and antisickness medication in hospital which has helped a bit. I wish I wasn’t alive anymore. I genunely thought i’d done enough. I’m so tired of fighting.
I feel like I’ve let everyone down. My dad told me he was crying about me earlier. I love him with all my heart so it broke me to hear that. Xx
I'm so sorry you're having such an awful and horrendous time. I'm really glad you are with your Dad for the moment, so that you are safe. It's really important you are not alone.
You CAN recover from this and get better, step by step. So many of us on the forum have been in very dark places and have come through it, and you can too.
Please, stay safe and accept help from the professionals, they want to support you and want you to get better, and you can get better with the right support. I know it really doesn't feel like it, but there really is light and hope, you are not always going to feel this way.
I’m glad my dad is staying but at the same time I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone.
I’m in so much pain this morning, my wrists and shoulders are bruised from the way my arms were twisted round to my back and handcuffed. I have made a formal complaint about the officers as they showed no compassion or sympathy and it was really horrible to be around them.
The professionals don’t want to help me, when I said I wasn’t staying overnight they couldn’t get rid of me quick enough. Xx
It sounds like you have been through such an awful time yesterday. I know it is hard to be with others, but it's so important you are not alone, so that you can be safe. I know it doesn't feel like it but you really can come through this, you can get better and rebuild your life, with small steps.
I wanted to let you know that I have written you a private message.
I hope you are feeling a little better today, having your dad for company overnight. Please be kind to yourself as you have a family who care so much about you.
Perhaps you can make an appointment to see your GP about the ongoing care you need or ring your co-ordinator to see if she can come before Friday? Even if you don't feel like talking, it's good for you to have someone there just to make you a tea or coffee.
It’s supposed to be my 3rd wedding anniversary today, so I am feeling heartbroken. Instead of celebrating with my soulmate, I am sat here going through my finances for the divorce settlement. And realising I have nothing to my name except my car, which is worthless as it’s covered in scratches and dents.
I feel so worthless. All my clothes are from primark and I’m surviving on benefits at the moment. I have to go for a work capability assessment and I’m scared they’ll say I’m fit for work. I’m not ready to go back to work at all. I’ve only been out of the hospital 7 days.
My dad has called my care coordinator who wasn’t in yesterday, today, doesn’t work tomorrow or Thursday and so Friday is the earliest I can see her. So her manager is going to come out and see me tomorrow at 1pm.
Because it’s my wedding anniversary and I’m really struggling with it, my dad is staying over again tonight. All I want to do is take another overdose, it worked in that it made me forget my negative thoughts for a bit, but I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to be positive but today is so heartbreaking it’s hard. I’m not with my babies, or my husband, on my wedding anniversary.
I’m also in a lot of pain with my tummy and kidney area which I assume is directly because of the overdose, and I am scared I have done some serious damage.
I'm so sorry today is sad for you but with support you will be able to get better and carry on. It's good that your dad is staying with you tonight and the co-ordinator's manager is visiting tomorrow.
Today must be very hard but try to keep being positive and stay strong .....you have been very brave considering all you have been through. Hopefully you will have the support you need from professionals.
Hi Kats88, I just want to say I’m thinking of you. Today sounds so hard but you can get better with the right care and support. I’m glad you have your Dad with you and are seeing someone from the MH team tomorrow. Please stay safe and remember the Samaritans are also there if you want to talk, tel 116 123. Take care, xx
Hello Kats88.
yes, me, too! I am thinking of you. Pleased that you are with your dad tonight and the MH team is going to be in touch with you tomorrow. Wishing you strengths and sending you love and kindness.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes today is really hard, I should be opening a card and celebrating another year of marriage as a family of 4. Instead I look at the wedding photos and cry, because he told me he didn’t love me when we got married. I was 5 weeks pregnant with my daughter when we got married, so it hurts even more, that he slept with me, got me pregnant, then married me, and it was all fake, he never loved me. All the smiles, the embraces, the photos, all faked.
I can’t even put into words the pain I feel today but I’m trying to be strong for my dad. I don’t want him to be upset too, he’s already worried enough about me. I sit here in a room full of toys, and no babies to play with them, and my heart breaks a little bit more. I’m speaking to them on the phone tomorrow and I can’t wait, even though it’s painful to do it. I feel like an outsider watching in on their happy family life. They show me their den, and their pond, and they are so excited, and I know I can never give them what he can. I’m a rubbish mum. And I just watch as they play, and occasionally they’ll speak to me, and it breaks me every time.
I come off the phone in tears, glad to have spoken to them but broken inside. I’m looking forward to it but dreading it in equal measures. I also HATE my son’s new haircut, it is practically all shaved off and I loved his longer hair, he looked like some sort of young thug, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It might seem petty but if he lived with me I would be able to do it how I think suits him.
I’m sorry for having such a long moan, it’s just feels so painful for me today. My heart aches so much it physically hurts.
I just feel like taking another overdose but when my dad has gone, so no one finds out. I wouldn’t tell a soul, not my mental health team, no one. Xx
Hang in there strong Mumma. Have faith in your strength. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting right now, but it will pass. Tomorrow can be a better day. It might be a tiny glimmer of “better” but grab hold of it, and it will grow. You’ve seen and experienced unimaginable struggles, but this too shall pass.
Glad your Dad is there, if you don’t want to talk to him, ask him for a hug, or just hold his hand. Hang onto each other, it’ll be ok.
I’m scared of tomorrow. Because I’m going to be on my own again. My dad has offered for me to stay with him and my stepmum but they need some time together without me being a burden which I have been for the past week. My dad has been here more than he’s been at home, and when he did go home, I took overdoses 3 days in a row, and a massive one at that. I still don’t know if I’ve done any damage to my kidneys 😕 I don’t know how to find out. Xx
Try not to worry. Maybe try and distract yourself? Sometimes negative thoughts can be cyclical. I use a free app called the insight timer. There is a guided meditation through a garden which helps me if I’m feeling anxious. It might just help? Try to rest. You must be exhausted.
Someone mentioned emailing jo@samaritans.org below. A really good suggestion if you can’t calm your thoughts.
Try not to think too far ahead. Just take one step at a time. You’re going to be ok. You can beat this. Xxx
I am trying not to worry but I haven’t been for a wee all day and I worry it’s because I’ve damaged my kidneys. They wanted to keep me in for treatment under the medical team but I was so scared they’d section me again I just wanted to get out of there.
I am exhausted. I’m going to bed soon and I’m goi g to try and sleep all night. I’ve emailed the Samaritans before but it takes them ages to reply, so I don’t know if it would be helpful if I struggle through the night. I hope you’re right and I’m going to beat this because at the moment it all feels hopeless xx
I’m so sorry it’s such a hard day for you today. Anniversaries can be so painful I don’t think you’re a rubbish mum at all, it’s clear how much you love your kids and that’s what matters.
Try to stay strong - hopefully it won’t hurt quite so much tomorrow.
Hello Kats, it sounds really hard for you and I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through and the pain of the anniversary , please try and believe what we are all saying, that things will get better and to stay strong, your Dad obviously loves you so much and wants to care for and protect you.
Have you thought about having therapy- counselling or CBT, to help you through these dark days? Or have you ever thought about ringing MIND or Saneline? I know you probably don’t feel like reaching out .... when I’m really depressed I lose all perception that I am capable of being helped, or that nobody can ever help me but these are just negative thoughts that don’t have foundation or truth to them..... but talking is such a good way to starting to recover and finding ways forward, much love to you and sending strength- Jas xx
I spoke to my old counsellor today and arranged an appointment for 3 weeks time. I’ve given her a very brief overview as I haven’t seen her since 2013, but she’s going to help me. I just told her i’d had a second child, had ppp, got married then divorced and had no access to my children.
They’ve offered me DBT in the community, but I’ve refused. I do not have a diagnosis of bpd/eupd and that is what DBT is for. Also, I was forced to do it for 13 weeks when I was in the first ward, and it wasn’t remotely helpful, and I found it delivered in the most patronising way. I told them I could buy the book online and do it myself, and the therapist was like “yeah you could”.
So, I’m not doing DBT. They won’t offer me CBT on the NHS as I’m “too complex”, but luckily my counsellor does CBT too so she should be able to help me. My dad is paying 3/4 of it and I am using my PIP to pay the rest.
I’m struggling tonight, even with my dad here. I want to text my ex husband but I know there’s no point. If he wanted to text me he would have done. I just miss our family so much.
I haven’t called any helplines as I have a phone phobia. I’m slowly getting better since I’ve had no choice but to call people as J is no longer here to do it for me, but the idea of ringing a helpline scares the crap out of me. I wouldn’t know what to say.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement, you are keeping me going when I feel so hopeless and worthless. If I didn’t have you ladies and my dad to reach out to i’d Probably have taken another overdose by now. My head is screaming at me to do it, because I even if I don’t die it makes me escape from my negative thoughts for a while xx
That’s good news you’ll be seeing your old counsellor, hopefully it’s a comfort that you’ll be talking to someone you know and trust.
I’m glad the forum is helping, we’re all here for you. You can email the Samaritans as well as phoning if you need support during the night - jo@samaritans.org
Yes I’m glad I’m going back to see her. She’s all clued up on my past and my childhood so she only needs to know about what’s happened since I had my son, as that’s when I stopped seeing her, which should make things easier. It’s going to be a long 3 week wait until I see her though xx
That’s good, I hope it’ll be really helpful. 3 weeks must seem like a really long time at the moment but it’s something to aim towards, just take it a day at a time.
Thank you Jenny. Can’t sleep yet, but hoping I will eventually. Going to meet my potential new care coordinator (the manager) tomorrow and I’m nervous so that’s probably why I can’t sleep. Xx
Dear Kats, the drama and pain of the last few days will have been exhausting for you combined with the outrage and loss you’ve been feeling with reminders , contact with your children and the battle you are going through . I hope you have been able to get to sleep and feel a bit clearer this morning about options from now on.
Don’t forget you are a very lovable and loving person and just because one man didn’t fulfill your dreams of s happy family , you can still have a happy future
If you take things steadily at the moment, though it’s very hard for you. Great news your old counsellor is on board and how lucky you are to have a devoted father who loves you so much. Don’t hurt yourself again please .you are a brave intelligent worthwhile woman and you have excellent communication skills so use these to talk to your counsellor . Take each day as slowly and mindfully as you can . Small steps at this stage help to anchor your emotions . Maybe write a note to your lovely Dad telling him how important his love and support is to you .
Your friends here truly understand the pain you are going through but we know that it’s well worth taking care not to blame ourselves hurt ourselves further .
Have a more peaceful day dear Kats . I’m thinking of you . X Denizt
I hope you managed to sleep eventually. Please be open about how you really feel to the potential new care co-ordinator today so that she can put good, regular support in place for you.
I managed to get 7 hours sleep in the end so it’s not awful. I’m still tired though. My dad is still asleep so I might try and sleep as well.
I don’t know how I can be completely honest with the new care coordinator though as my dad is going to be there and I can’t speak completely honestly in front of him as I don’t want to hurt him.
I really hope she can help me. My current care coordinator is really useless and unhelpful and I don’t even understand her. She even tried to convert me to Christianity at Christmas when she knows I am an atheist! And she said to me she doesn’t like coming out to see me because she loses her space in the staff car park!! Never mind putting her patients first.
I’m so nervous about meeting her today, the last time she was me when with the last overdose and I was screaming at her “you’re meant to be helping me!” Whilst the police pushed me to the floor and handcuffed me.
I can understand how you might feel nervous about meeting the new co-ordinator today but she will be there to support and help you. As you're very caring about not upsetting your dad, perhaps you could speak to her on your own outside your front door for a little while?
Thanks lilybeth. I’m walking into town in the rain first to have lunch with my dad. I look terrible, I’m tired, have black bags under my eyes, I’m covered in spots, I’m obese, it’s not a good look. I am ashamed to go out in public. He’s going home this afternoon after the care coordinator has been out. I’m dreading being alone, and on such a miserable day. My dad also threw out some of my night meds by accident so I’m without those for the next 3 days so I’m going to struggle to sleep. Sleep deprivation isn’t good for me, it always makes my depression worse, if it could get much worse.
I get to speak to my kids at 6pm. I’m looking forward to it, but also don’t want to have to plaster on the fake smiles and talk to them for 45 mins. Because I don’t feel like smiling, all I feel is dread at the moment.
Please do reach out and tell someone you trust about it, and get support. Can you text or speak to your dad or mum?
It's so important you stay safe, and not be on your own. I know it doesn't feel like it but there really is hope that you can come through this and recover step by step.
Hi Kats88, thinking of you today . I hope talking to your children at least put your mind at rest they are well . How did lunch go ? What a caring father you have .
The care coordinator — did that give you a chance to explain how thing are with you ? Keep being kind to yourself .
We all feel very strongly on this forum you can get through these really rocky times and life can be much much better .
Keep safe ! Denizt x
We are thinking of you.It is a challenging time for you, but help is around you. So pleased that you have a care coordinator, with whom you could start a new beginning.
I always tried to be open about my feelings with my care coordinator, who has been a very kind lady and helped me on so many levels, but especially guided and connected me with very useful therapeutic sessions.
My GP and Psychiatrist at the time did the continuous assessment & evaluation with regards to meds...it is so good that your dad is there for you, too.
Hi Kats88, sorry to hear things have been tough for you. Good that you are feeling better physically, I hope you have got good support from your mental health team and your Dad too. We are all thinking of you, please keep safe and keep talking to those around you, things can get better. Xx
The crisis team won’t even see me. I nearly died and woke up with a tube down my throat breathing for me and they just said “there’s nothing we can do”. That’s the story of my life, no one can help me. They do everything to keep me alive when it would have been better if they just let me die. Xx
So sorry you're struggling. You have shown great strength so please contact the Samaritans who are there 24/7 on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org if you are feeling fragile. Take care and please accept any professional support around you. xx
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