There is hope

[Nigella777]

Hi all,

I just wanted to spend 5 mins providing a quick update & also posting a positive outcome story as I know when I was in the midst of my illness I would spend hours going through forums & online articles to hear of women that had recovered from this situation & went on to have a healthy relationship with there child!!

If you read my previous post you will get a flavour of what I went through with my ppp, but in brief 5 days after birth rushed to A&E as the midwife that came to my house noticed the onset of PP I had severe hallucinations, believed I’d made my pregnancy up or that my daughter had died in labour, the tv was talking to me and I was severely unwell like this for about 8 weeks, untill I started taking medication (sertraline & quetipien) after taking these, slowly the delirium became less & I would have a bit more insight & intouch with reality but as that happened severe depression & anxiety set in & I was sucidal at times! I was unable to look after my daughter on my own for the first 2 months & I was assigned a perinatal nurse who I see twice a week from April 2017 up untill November 2017!

My daughter was 1 last Sunday (picture of us from her birthday) A year on and I’m now fully recovered I have been off all medication since December & was discharged from the perinatal team about 3 months ago, I’m now back at work and would say I’m 95% back to my old self! & I think that 5% is only down to me now being a mum so of course I’m never going to be 100% my old self and I have a totally different focus now my beautiful daughter!

I honestly never thought I would get better, I never thought I would have a “normal” relationship with my daughter or that I would go back to work or I would ever recover & have the old me back but I have!

I wanted to post a picture of the first few months of my daughters life ( but I could only post one) I have 100’s of these pics on my phone as I was so dillusional I thought I was making her up in my head so I would try & take pics of her & stare at them to try see if I can get a sense of reality back and understand I had given birth (My boyfriend would also watch me for hours in the mirror prodding at my ceaseran scar crying as I didn’t know what it was & saying I needed to be sectioned) but these pictures I hardly recognise myself in, I look the same but I remember so vividly how scared & confused I was!

I know recovery isn’t as straight forward for everyone & I was very lucky to have a great perinatal team in my area & a local MBU but I just want to say there is hope & things can get better & id hope this provides some comfort for someone currently struggling or family of a daughter that is currently going through this. Don’t get me wrong I still have massive waves of guilt and sadness that my daughters first few months were nothing like I planned, there was no walks in a park I didn’t have zero visitors apart from immediate family & tgere was no lovely fuzzy new born love filled bubble, it was a bubble of total fear, hallucinations & zero emotion, but I’m getting over that now, what happened to me was out of my control & my daughter will not remember them first few months of her life, she’s now got a mummy who’s better & loves her more than anything and that’s all that matters.

Please take care of yourself ladies, lots of love & strengh xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

What a beautiful post and story nigella , and what a lovely pic! Thanks so much for sharing, it is emotional to read and I know you will be giving others so much hope. I would say the same... I’m fully recovered with an amazing bond with my son.

Take care xxx

[Revans86 Volunteer]

Hi Nigella777,

What a joyful face your little one has! Well done on your recovery journey.

NONE of us would have chosen what happened to us that’s for sure, but in my case I have come to find there are some positives that in time you find. The bond we develop with our children is just one.

Thanks for sharing your story xxx