Bi polar depression or hormones?

[MichelleO]

I had just made a post about how great I did while husband was gone and now the past two days I'm in a really dark place. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow but idk if he'll help because of me being pregnant. I've had nothing but negative feelings and thoughts. I've been feeling defeated. I've been nagging at my husband thinking I'm getting too hard to love. I went to church and balled my eyes out the whole time. I feel like I don't even want this second baby I'm bringing into this world which is a terrible feeling to have. I don't know how I'm going to survive. I keep thinking if I don't get stability soon it's going to be too much to fight back when this baby comes. I'm not mentally stable enough to go through another post Partum period and it's a little too late for that. I had a long loud auditory hallucination of someone screaming when I was trying to nap this morning. I find it hard that I'm struggling with diagnosis and only being treated partially because of the pregnancy. It's hard to battle every day if your going to go crazy or not I constantly fear that I'm not the person to keep my boys safe. I've even thought about just leaving and having them with my husband and mom. Then I get depressed that I'll be no part of their happiness or growing and then I've thought well what if I got so depressed and couldn't deal anymore then they would never know who their mom was and everybody would be sad that I was gone. It's just really hard to think your not the person to care for anyone else. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been a year and a half of dealing with this crap and I'm losing so badly. I only fear all hell will break through when my son is born. My friend had her baby a couple days ago and I wanted to see her it was a really bad idea I had flashbacks of when I was really I'll I had bad thoughts a ton of fear. I just don't know how to get stable enough to be a good mom and care taker. I've shit down the past couple days. And this was happening a lot the past couple months where I feel really good and positive for a couple days and then hit this super bad depression for a couple days. My doctor made me a sign a piece of paper that stated I was taking seroquel regardless of side effects to baby and leaving the Wellbutrin up to my ob gyn so I really don't think I will get something for this whatever it is and I'm really pissed off that I'm still having auditory hallucinations. Sorry for this incredibly long post. I hope someone gets back to me. Thank you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Michelle0

Thanks for sharing all your feelings here. It's a shame that after being so positive in an earlier post some negative feelings have surfaced. I'm sorry I don't have any experience of bipolar depression. I did have what seemed like an endless depression after my PP and it was very hard to lift my mood but I appreciate bipolar depression is much worse. It must be very hard for partners to understand our highs and lows. There's a quote in the brilliant blog ppsoup.com "Sorry if it feels like you are walking on eggshells when I'm low. But depression makes me feel like I'm the eggshells being walked on."

I hope you will be reassured that some mums here have had second pregnancies without PP returning. It might be an idea if you contact Postpartum Support International, postpartum.net as mentioned in an earlier post so that you can find local support in the United States? You should be able to find local care co-ordinators at postpartum.net/get-help/loc....

When you see your psychiatrist tomorrow he will be able to guide you and follow a care plan to support you. It must be very hard for you but try to stay positive ..... look how well you coped on your own recently? That took so much courage and shows what a loving mum you are.

We are all here for you ..... take care.

[MichelleO in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you for that info. I'm just struggling really bad I don't know if it's cause the pregnancy is half way I feel like I'm worrying and obsessing a lot and expecting the worst to happen.

[Tyshan]

I have manic depression also.. it's hard but it's just the bi polar and it's hard because you're pregnant to get the meds to have the voices gone. I would tell him everything you're going through. I was honest with mine and am on medications so I don't go into psychosis. It will pass with time you'll just have to build yourself up again. It's hard- I do try my hardest every day

[MichelleO in reply to Tyshan]

Doesn't that make me a higher risk for post Partum psychosis ? I'm so pissed off that I've developed this on top of everything else. I swear I'm just going to be stuck in hell forever nothing is happening in my favor.

[Hidden]

Hello Michelle0,

how are you this morning? I hope your appointment with the Psychiatrist is going well.

I just read your post and I am so sorry that you struggle so much at the moment. Don't be sorry for your long post, but thank you for writing such an honest account of your feelings.I only have had one pregnancy, but I believe other mums can give you some advise with regards to their second pregnancy.

I did not discover this forum till 5 years later (PPP 2010). I bottled up a lot and was unable to share my most inner feelings, because I thought I was all alone with my mind racing and cobwebs.

I have been diagnosed with agora and social phobia, but the biggest problem is my menstrual cycle. Thus, I can relate a bit to your auditory hallucination. I also struggle with extensive sense of smell. I have developed some coping mechanisms which may help others and some of them is just like common sense, but so difficult around full moon time (a week before menstruating

- when I hear stuff I usually get reassured by my partner, so that I can distinguish between reality and 'my made up world'

- stress increases my 'menstrual psychosis', thus I am trying to reduce appointments and just focus on things I can manage (no phone calls, reduce social media etc.)

- established routine does help, but I often need to be reminded

- exactly what you have been doing writing (creatively) connecting with people you love and/or who can empathise such as forum members on APP

- regular contact with professionals...I have my GP and care coordinator

- I struggle with insomnia often, therefore have to have a good diet and exercise or pursue outdoor activities in order to get tired....even when on over drive

You know I focus a lot on what makes me happy such as gardening and painting and of course my 'nuclear family'.

Wishing you well and take care,

Sabine

[MichelleO in reply to Hidden]

Going through a lot of worrying and obsessing. I can tell when it's an auditory hallucination but I don't get how I hear things occasionally not constantly so why none of the anti psychosis are getting rid of the hallucinations.

[Hidden]

Good morning Michelle0,

thank you for your response. Did you have a positive meeting with your Psychiatrist?

It is important to talk about feelings. During my illness and after-care I often was asked specific questions by a variety of professionals and had to have regular examinations by my Psychiatrist. The administration of medication is tailor made and it was the only way to survive the illness. I was closely observed for the first year. Our health and welfare could be affected in many ways, as in my case after PPP.

I believe it helped me a lot to establish a coping mechanism when triggers arise. I guess attending support groups and by developing a relationship with my care coordinator and GP helped me to understand my emotional and physical make-up and be more in acceptance with myself; meaning I have to slow down when stress factors accumulate.

We are all very unique in our needs. I wondered whether there is any kind of therapeutic sessions for becoming mums available in your area, either run by charities or partnership (NHS). Community and Leisure places offer classes i.e swimming and yoga, Tai Chi etc.

I am attending yoga sessions and try to meditate in order to focus on breathing techniques. Exercising, nature-walks in general helps me to get rid of those cobwebs, - my fears! In addition I put everything on paper in form of colours (painting) or creative words...

Anyhow got to wake up my son...

Thinking of you,

x

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi MichelleO,

I don't have much to add to the great responses and shared experiences you have had here already. But just to say that I share your frustration about not getting the support you feel you need in your pregnancy. When I had my second child (PP after my 1st) I really struggled to get anyone to take the risk of me becoming unwell again seriously and it was a hard time, when it should have been a happy one, looking forward to the new addition to our family. I was lucky and remained well in pregnancy and after giving birth, so I'm sorry that you are struggling now. Try to keep asking and pushing for that support that you need. I hope your psychiatrist meeting went well too, and that you also linked with Postpartum Support International who could be a further source of info for you.

I am sure it has been shared before, but there is also a Further Pregnancy Guide that APP has produced and this might be helpful to share with your care team? I appreciate that you are in the US and these are from the UK but hopefully will still be of interest/ use to you: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

You are not alone, you can get through this and enjoy your family life. I know it's tough but hang in there! Take care, xx