I feel so ashamed writing this but from reading other posts, I can see how lovely you all are and if anybody could possibly understand I think it will be you.
I gave birth to my son whilst in an extremely abusive situation which eventually led to moving to a refuge just before my son turned 1. I had already been diagnosed with PP Depression & anxiety by this point but I found it just about manageable, despite my husband being abusive.
Once we left, my husband continued to be abusive and controlling and then some other life events happened which led to a complete and utter breakdown and basically since November my son hasn't lived with me I do see him every single day but every time I would try to get him back, something would happen and I have completely lost confidence if I am honest.
Nobody has ever stopped me having him but I have agreed with professionals and agencies etc that he shouldn't witness me when very unwell and I am thankful that I have been able to identify this so I have had him overnight on some occasions and in the days on occasions as well but it is at a point now where I really, really want to work on my confidence so I can have him back full time.
I just don't know where to start I feel like the absolute worst Mum in the world, he is my whole world and I feel I have let him down so much by not being able to look after him myself. I know he has constantly felt loved as he is with my Mum at night and a childminder who is fantastic in the day but to be honest, now when I am on my own with him I am terrified and don't know what to do. I realised how bad it had got tonight when my Mum suggested tonight she go to the shops whilst I had him for a bit and I just felt so panicked and like I would fail him and not cope. The ridiculous thing is on days where he hasn't been well and not been able to go to the childminder, I have coped absolutely fine!
Any ideas on how to rebuild my confidence? I would speak to professionals but they basically aren't around. They are meant to be but they aren't and no matter how many times I have asked for help it doesn't happen unfortunately.
Thank you and sorry the long post. x