Looking for positive vibes

[MichelleO]

I guess I'm just in my over thinking mode and need some positive feedback to ease my mind. I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant almost half way trying to stay as calm as possible. I'm currently on seroquel 200mg. Which is keeping me pretty sane I haven't had any episodes. I wish I was on this medicine from the start I was on Latuda for a year and would hear voices occasionally while falling asleep only. Now I don't experience it at all. I've gotten over my fear of sleeping alone away from my son. I guess I've come a long way. I still have unsettling feelings and intrusive thoughts. One thing I'm struggling with is looking at my son while he sleeps it makes me feel like he's dead and I have killed him. Sorry for the tmi. And sometimes when alone I think am I crazy and some one needs to be with me to assure that I'm not. But that's only sometimes. But roughly I'm pretty happy with how far I've come. My fear that I have had sense finding out that I'm pregnant is im going to have 2 babies with the worry I might hurt them and it's very sad to feel this way. I look at my son and feel a lot of guilt for the feelings images and scary thoughts I used to have and I could cry. I just want both my babies to be safe and it's really sad to sometimes feel that's not with me. Sometimes I think how could I get psychosis again while on this medicine and watching out for signs and symptoms and being prepared. And it seems silly to worry about it but when I get to far into the thoughts it's hard to be positive and say nothing will happen. I never lost touch of reality which should ease my mind that I won't lose touch of reality cause I'm being treated for this. But I guess all I have to do is think about going through the same thing and wonder if I do will this medicine not work in keeping it at bay where I don't lose touch of reality this time. I guess I just need some positive thoughts to make me feel better.

[angviolet]

Wow.. I could relate to what you said and how you feel. You sound very in touch with your self and very clear though.. I find keeping a diary of my daily thoughts, feelings and accomplishments helps me to feel better. It's good to be able to read over the good days when you're feeling really low and like nothing is good, reminds you that there are good days to come. It sounds like you are doing everything you can do to prepare right now. I always thought it would be helpful to write some letters to my future self while I'm in a strong mind with a list of tips to cope and a list of things to do if things start to feel like they are slipping because when you do lose it , it's hard to figure out what to do so maybe that would be something that could make you feel a bit more confident about after the baby is born. It's interesting reading about other cultures and what they do when the baby is born. Is it called a "sitting moon" that the Chinese do? Where the mum takes it really really easy for a moon cycle after the birth. Next time I have a baby I plan to, wrote those letters to myself, work harder at sleeping at night, ie giving baby bottles at night, and breast feeding in the day, I want to have a freezer filled with meals or have someone to call on to help with chores or with looking after the other baby if I start to struggle again. I also plan to not beat myself up so much. Doing your best is all the baby needs, whatever you do is right for the new baby. Feeling like you want to hurt them is because you are unwell and that's when you need to get some help, it's a form of escapism because things are so bad. I'm no professional I'm just a regular young person trying to make sense of what unexpectantly happened to me so one day I can also have another baby and be ok. I think you will be fine. Do you have a good nurse or midwife or a doula or a doctor who knows your history well. Wish we could all afford to hire a doula for help with mental health after. Keeping a diary helps and writing a list of what you did in a day that is an achievement sometime snakes me feel a bit better about the next day. Sometimes my list is like 1. Got out of bed 2. Changed babies nappy, got her dressed, fed her breakfast, 3 made dinner. And that's it. Woman and mothers are all different and amazing in different ways. I feel inadequate for not doing all the millions of things I see other mums doing. Like swimming lessons, gym lessons, music, dancing, cooking amazing food etc, but as long as we are doing ok mentally and putting our happiness ahead of everything we will be fine. I compare myself to others too much that's all, but it doesn't get you anywhere except miserable. I try to follow the Happy mum, happy baby philosophy and try not to take too much on. Focus on doing little things and always write down what you've done to remind you that you are a great mum in case you need to read it on the bad days. Do whatever you need to do to get by. The first 2 months post birth is a really sensitive time with all the hormone instability and brain chemistry changing so just don't beat yourself up and try not to be perfect. All you really need to do is recover with the baby at your own pace. Watch tv and hug the baby if you can. Hope I have another baby one day and don't end up in hospital again too 😃👋

[Asppp13 Volunteer]

I guess the most positive thing to stay focused on is that you are on medication and assuming you have a care team or at least the professionals supporting you through the pregnancy are aware of your past experience. So it's important to stay honest with them so they can give you additional support and adjust your medication if required to ensure that you stay well. Hopefully though none of that will be necessary.

Think the idea of keeping a diary of thoughts and feelings on the good days to see you through the not so good ones is an excellent idea. Also just focusing on yourself and the children being happy too. Your mental health is far more important than all the other stuff us mothers feel we must achieve. Plenty of relaxing walks can be really beneficial. Reading stories and doing arty creative things with your son if you enjoy that kind of thing or watching a film together.

Good luck with rest of pregnancy and hope to hear some updates and don't be afraid to shout if you are finding it tough later down the line. All the best!