Didn't have "voices" in head only my own constant voice??

[angviolet]

I didn't experience any voices in my head, while I had PP only my own voice which would not stop. if that makes sense. Is this normal? The word psychosis makes me think of hearing voices and that's what a lot of people assume when I mention the word psychosis or anti psychotic medication. Sometimes I wander if I had a nervous breakdown or a mental breakdown and not PP if that makes sense or if that is the same as PP. I was diagnosed with PP and treated with Olanzapine. Did everyone else hear voices? or

[DEb12W]

I just had my own thoughts, coming thick and fast, with lots of great ideas. There weren't any other characters as such.

[angviolet]

Thanks Deb. Good to know. I was the same. Ive just read a bit more about psychosis and seems obviously hearing voices is just one symptom of it. And it's more of an overall distortion of reality which is what I experienced too.

[DownUnder91 in reply to angviolet]

Same here Angviolet. I had no hallucinations of any sort, just delusions. My own thought voice going through my head at a million miles an hour and beliefs that weren't based on reality. From my understanding PP encompasses quite a broad range of symptoms and we all experience it a bit differently.

[angviolet in reply to DownUnder91]

Thanks DownUnder, Yea I am still working on my understanding of PP, It's so unheard of. I think I might look for some books to order online which I can hopefully relate to.

[DownUnder91 in reply to angviolet]

No worries. I was fortunate that I already knew a bit about it through my work, but I agree it's not well known about! I think the books that people normally talk about are Day 6 by Jen Wight and Eyes Without Sparkle by Elaine Hanzak, which are personal accounts of PP. I haven't read either of them yet though. Have you seen the insider guides? You might find them useful too.

app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

[angviolet in reply to DownUnder91]

No I haven't I will look now. Can't wait to get those books. Thank you x

[Vee82]

Hi Angviolet, I didn't have hallucinations either but experienced mania. My mind was on 'overdrive', I was 'supermum' so organised, lots of plans, writing feverishly, inviting friends round for dinner, couldn't relax, minimal sleep. Of course, I had no insight at all and thought I was perfectly fine until I got sectioned and admitted to a psychiatric ward & flattened with haloperidol.

It was a dark period in my life which I never really came to terms with, just buried it and got on with my life and had no problems with my second child or in the 30 odd decades since. It was only by chance that I found the APP site and forum that I realised I had PP, sounds really silly I know but I thought hypomania was an illness rather than a symptom.

Anyway I wish you all the very best. Vee xx

[angviolet in reply to Vee82]

Wow, thanks so much for sharing. I wasn't manic in a happy productive way, just could not sleep and could not stop reading about sids prevention, nappy rash cures, best ways to swaddle, how to know how much breastmilk she was getting, jaundice, how to burp, how to fix my excruciatingly sore nipples, I just read read read from 7pm to 5am everynight and if I wasn't googling I was checking she was breathing or trembling in fear. I thought people were laughing at me and that my mum and husband were in the lounge laughing at me and that they were going to spike my water with sleeping tablets etc it was bizarre. And then I also had to get flattened with anti pscychotics, highest dose possible. I can relate completely to what you said, it was the darkest period in my life and I still am ashamed to a degree of what happened. I have not quite accepted that it was not my fault, I just keep thinking I was just weak and couldnt handle motherhood. But I completely lost my sense of reality and just slept 1 hour a night for 3 to 5 weeks. My memory is quite damaged now as a result of that period. anyway... I also just carried on but when I stumbled on this site I decided I should address and learn about what happened to me so that I could take something out of it, so I am working on that at the moment. All the best to you too. xo

[Vee82 in reply to angviolet]

So glad you found this site and are taking the opportunity to share your experiences with a wonderful supportive group of women who really understand what you have been through.

I so relate to the aftermath of PP, I also felt so guilty, embarrassed and ashamed and thought it was somehow my fault, I felt a failure and lost so much confidence in myself. I never accepted that I was ill and resented the fact that I had been sectioned. 35 years later, I still can't talk about it with my husband, it is just too painful.

However, as mentioned, I just buried those feelings and got on with my life and in spite of it all, felt lucky that I had a lovely healthy daughter who has enriched my life beyond measure.

So important not to blame yourself, it is just one of those things. It is good that there is information and support available nowadays, it does help to come to terms with it. Just take it slowly and enjoy your family. Take care . Vee xx

[angviolet in reply to Vee82]

Thanks Vee, I feel lucky too, I know some women have had a really difficult time bonding with their baby and that would be really awful. I feel for them. x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Angviolet

Like Vee82 I didn't realise I had PP twice until by chance I contacted the APP team years ago. After sight of my medical records Dr Jones confirmed I had suffered PP, six years apart.

I did hear a male voice which was very commanding. I also experienced delusions which didn't make sense to anyone but were all very real and frightening to me at the time. Eventually I was sectioned to general psychiatric care. Thankfully I did fully recover.

Take care.

[angviolet in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks so much for your reply. It helps to know what other people went through.

[Hidden]

Dear all,

this is a very interesting read! I must have had bad hallucinations throughout PPP and still struggle with hearing things, which is my 'own made up reality'. This happens when I am stressed, - physically and/or emotionally poorly.

Off to my Yoga in a minute...very good way of clearing the cobwebs!

Best wishes to you all,

Sabine

[angviolet in reply to Hidden]

Yes I am the same I have to keep my mental health in check. If I get overly stressed I'll stop sleeping and can start slipping again. I've just been looking today at doing some yoga classes and maybe getting a baby sitter for an hour or two while I go to a class

[Hidden]

This sounds like a great idea, angviolet!

Take good care of yourself,

Sabine

[Sally_at_APP Administrator]

Hi angviolet,

Thank-you for sharing, it helps to hear about similar experiences.

Your experience of PP sounds similar to mine in some ways. I had one episode in hospital, 4 days after my daughter was born which I would describe as a 'psychotic episode', where I collapsed, got very confused and was convinced I had done something terrible to my daughter (in reality I hadn't). Apart from that one episode/hallucination, my main symptom was an altered sense of reality, but I did not hear voices. I heard things that were there, but they were just very distorted. For example, I heard the canteen trollies in the hospital ward and they sounded like chains jangling (I was convinced someone was going to come and take me away and lock me up in chains!). Everything was very loud too, so for example, the babies crying on the ward were very loud. The only way to describe it would be that it was almost inside my head! Air conditioning systems and people turning on light switches and plug sockets was all very loud too. Over the course of me being ill (approx. 10 months), different things were louder than others, for example, birds and animals felt like they were in my head. I too also had racing thoughts, almost like I could hear my voice constantly. I could only describe it as manic. I was unable to relax for more than a couple of seconds and my brain was on overdrive. The main thing I struggled with though was the lack of reality and strange beliefs. So in short! to answer your question, I didn't hear voices in my head, just my own manic thoughts and what I would describe as very heightened senses. I hope that makes sense and helps in some way! Take care,

Sally xx

[angviolet in reply to Sally_at_APP]

Yip that COMPLETELY makes sense. I know what you mean about some sounds being loud like that. I thought someone was going to lock me up too in a cell or something. I thought my breastmilk was poisoning my baby and some other things like that. Heightened senses for sure. xo

[suzannah0]

No I didn't have voices at first either. But I was reading all my baby's t-shirts as signs, was overwhelmed with all the washing and housework, started getting worried re my health which I wasn't before, and visually over stimulated when kids children came over, then my speech came out all wrong and I was denying events existed (I knew they did but my speech was wrong). That was it, till I had a huge panic attack at the hospital (I think my first ever) where my thoughts we're so confused and I thought I was stuck in my thoughts forever. I stayed one weekend, the hospital sent me home quickly, didn't give me a verbal diagnosis, I just thought it was anxiety. And gave me all the wrong info re breast feeding with medicine, which added to the stress. Then I called the hospital for help, they gave me my diagnosis of pp over the phone and said I couldn't have any more help thru the hospital coz I was well. I stopped taking meds (coz I was unwell), stopped sleeping, and things got worse--heard angel voices on the iPad and I rushed to private psychiatrist so I was admitted back to hospital (even tho hospital was going to discharge me again on the spot without being admitted, thankfully my sister helped over the phone).

[Hazello Volunteer]

I thought that my birth experience and 5 days as a parent meant that I could write a PHD on midwifery!

I would echo what others have said about having heightened senses and manic thoughts running round my head. Sounds in the hospital were ' in my head' too and I do wonder if some of them took on a hallucinatory element because there was beeping repeating over and over.

I thought I could read the doctors and nurses minds too and my mood would change from one second to the next depending upon whose face I was looking at (doctors= panic, baby= love). It was such a weird experience but not altogether in a bad way, as I felt such an amazing feeling of understanding everything, in amongst the panic.

Did anyone else feel similar?

Hazel x