What's wrong with me?

[cas22]

I had my 4th child 8months ago and am currently under the care of the cmht but they won't tell me what's wrong with me. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics. I have strange dreams that feel so real. My baby hates me but I'm sure that's because she doesn't feel like mine. I would say she was swapped at the hospital but I didn't go to hospital I had her at home alone. It was so quick I don't remember much of it. I feel like she is a stranger to me I don't know what to do with her and I hope someone will just take her away back to her real family. 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Welcome to the forum where you will find support from mums who have had similar experiences.  Were you treated in a mother and baby unit for your illness following the birth of your child at home?

I'm sorry you have not been given a diagnosis.  The mums here have had postpartum psychosis following childbirth and I can relate to some of your symptoms.  Perhaps it's the medication that's giving you strange dreams?  During my psychoses I did have strange thoughts and delusions, all very real and frightening at the time.  I was also given anti-psychotic medication and later antidepressants as I suffered an endless bout of depression.

Do you have a CPN visiting you at home?  I think you need support from your GP who should have received correspondence from the CMHT regarding your diagnosis and care plan.

Try not to worry ...... the bond with your baby will build as you recover.  I hope you will be given a diagnosis asap so that the right treatment regime can be put in place.  In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

I haven't been in a m&b unit. My health visitor sent me to the gp who sent me to the cmht. I've seen a psychiatrist who put me on the antipsychotics. This was when baby was a few weeks old. Now everyone's off sick and I'm left on my own. My other 3 children are great but the baby is possessed in sure. She really does hate me. 

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to cas22]

Perhaps you can ask someone from the health visiting team to help? Do you have a crisis team you can call?  They might be able to help until everyone returns from sick leave.  Your GP should have a note of your diagnosis.

Give yourself time to adjust to a new baby in the house ...... it's probably just your illness giving you strange thoughts.  Take it easy and try and find the medical support you need.

[Jennyrriley]

I am so sorry to hear your story but there is a lot of othes that feel the same as you at first. 

You need to ask the health visitor or GP to refer you to the Parinatal Team, hopfaly there is one in ur area.  If not asked to be transferred to mental-health team. 

 The perinatal service will give you support, treatment. They are specialist in mental health after  childbirth they were very good helping me  after my first child when I suffered with postpartum psychosis. Before being referred I did see about four doctors and I was admitted to hospital for a short period. 

It took them awhile to work out what was wrong with me. I am now pregnant again with myself with our secon it took them awhile to work out what was wrong with me. I am now pregnant again with our second child and my perinatal team have been involved since the day of getting pregnant. 

Good luck and  remember you will not feel like this for ever it's just a short period. 

Take care 

Jenny X 

[JaneHW]

Dear cas22,  

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening. I remember when I was very ill and at home with my little one, having these bizarre thoughts and so many strange people in and out of my house to help as well. Your cmht are probably not allowed to talk to you about your diagnosis, but they do a great job. And now you've found the forum, there are lots of women here who have had similar experiences.

 I  agree with one of the other ladies, that it would be helpful to have the perinatal team on the case, if you have one locally. Also the crisis team as they might be able to cover up these staff absences. You need help while you're ill and are having these thoughts, which are all part of the illness. Do you have family members or friends who could also help out looking after the baby? 

I hope things will improve for you soon and you'll let us know when you can,

Jhw

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

I am so sorry you are feeling so unwell after the birth of your daughter.  it sounds like you do have postpartum psychosis. All the thoughts you are having about your baby is because you're ill. Do you see the mental health team regularly? Do you have support from family and friends?  do be completely honest with everyone supporting you.

If you aren't with a perinatal mental health team perhaps you could ask to be referred to the second opinion psychiatry service which APP offer and is free for your health authority. I'm sorry I'm writing on my phone but can give you a link later. Dr Ian Jones is wonderful and can advise your team about treatment.

Take care, write here whenever you need to. You are not alone. I had pp and have recovered,  as will you.

Take care

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope you are ok and that the replies here have been helpful.  As Ellie mentioned the Second Opinion service has been a great source of help and advice for some mums here and the link is app-network.org/what is pp/getting-help/second-opinion-service.

We are all here for you.  

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing so honestly how you are feeling. It's a scary time, when I had pp i know that it was difficult to get the right support at times but luckily I did and have stayed well since my recovery from this horrible illness. There is hope, you can get through this.

As others have said, getting perinatal mental health involvement can be very positive to get specialist input. I accessed the 2nd opinion service mentioned when I had a further pregnancy and it was great to have that, here's the link again if you need it app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

Do you have friends and family as support at home too? Try to be as honest as you can and ask for help, also from professionals. We all understand how hard it is, how scary and how awful for you. Hang in there and keep asking any questions which may help you. Take care, xx

[cas22 in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

I am on my own with the kids. I see my health visitor once a month and my care co-ordinator once a week. i get so scared most of the time i dont wanna be this way anymore. 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

If you see your care co-ordinator once a week can you be honest and tell her how you really feel so she can get help for you?  I'm so sorry you feel scared most of the time. Is there a Sure-Start in your area which might be able to give you support with your children?  Being ill and coping with routine is a lot to cope with on your own.

I hope you will be ok today.  Stay safe and keep in touch if it helps to talk here.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22 

It is good to hear from you again. I'm so sorry you're feeling so scared, especially being alone with the children. I felt the same with my boy after I had PP. If I had to be alone with him for any length of time it felt so overwhelming and scary. 

As Lilybeth says I would really encourage you to try and be really honest with your Care Coordinator about everything you are feeling, including your thoughts about your baby etc. It's only in that way they can help you. I know it feels so awful now but you will get better. If you find it hard to talk and say how you're feeling, maybe you could keep a 'diary' of your thoughts, feelings, struggles, including all the thoughts about your baby etc. And then you could show this to your Care Coordinator so you don't have to think of what to say to her when she comes? 

SureStart is a good idea too, a volunteer could come regularly to support you. 

Thinking of you, we are here for you whenever you want to write. You are not alone, we have all been through this and you will get better. 

Take care X 

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

hi cas22.

thanks for writing again, I know how scary things can feel, you are not alone in this. As others have said, perhaps talking to your care co ordinator will help and get you some further support. Writing a diary or similar will also help I think. I hope you can relax a little (hard with a baby and kids, I realise!) and get some rest. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope you are feeling more reassured by the replies here.  Did you see your care co-ordinator and ask for any support?  I think you might need to go back to your G.P so that he can signpost you to other care providers.  I know it's not easy to find time with a new baby and children but you need to take good care of yourself so that you don't feel so scared.

Thinking of you.........

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Care co said my meds need changing but still waiting to see what they are being changed to. I haven't seen the dr yet I've just spent the last few days hiding in my house away from the world. The voices ain't to bad when I'm hiding away. 

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to cas22]

Hi cas22 I'm so sorry you're still really struggling. I do hope you hear soon about the change of meds, sometimes that's what can make all the difference. I'm so sorry to hear you are hiding away, but I have to say for the moment it is good you don't push yourself and do too much, or put yourself in too stressful situations. I remember feeling way too overwhelmed by lots of people / noise / stimulus, it was too much.  I wonder though if you can manage some small outing each day, perhaps at a quieter time of day, somewhere very close and not busy for example (a park?)? It may help so you start not feeling able to go out at all. 

Thinking of you a lot , and hope you'll get more support soon X 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Good to hear from you.  The support you are having is not very good if you haven't seen a Dr yet.    Did the care co-ordinator give you any reason for the delay?  I don't see how your medication can be changed if you haven't been assessed.

I'm sorry you felt the need to hide away to calm the voices.  That must be so difficult for you with three children and a baby.  Can the Health Visitor give you any support? Do you have a friend you could call to come round to help you?

I hope things will be easier for you soon if you can have the help you need.

We are all here for you.  Stay safe and take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

|Hello cas22

I hope you are ok. Have you seen a Dr yet for help with medication and support?

Thinking of you ...... try to rest when you can and take care.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't seen the dr. I'm seeing her on Thursday. I have seen my care coordinator and just having someone to talk to had been nice. I have been to a&e as well due to self harm injuries and they were very kind to me.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to cas22]

Hi Cas22

So sorry you are still struggling, and that you've had to go to A&E for self harm injuries. It;s horrible... I hope that the doctor goes well on Thursday and you get all the support you need. Hang in there, you will feel better and recover. X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi cas22

I'm so sorry to hear how much you have been struggling. I had the same experience some years ago when I didn't know where to turn and voices commanded me, so you're not on your own. It's such a shame that you have had to wait so long to see a doctor. I hope she will take the time to listen and give you a diagnosis. I thought you would have been seen asap in the circumstances.

I'm glad the care co-ordinator has been helpful to let you talk things over. Did she give you a crisis number to call if you have any more self-harm thoughts? There is always Samaritans, available 24/7 on 116 123. It must be such a challenge for you, coping with four treasures and your illness.

Please take care of yourself ans stay safe. I know how hard it is keep fighting your feelings but we are here if you need to talk. xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Did you see the doctor today? I hope she was helpful and had time to listen so that you feel supported. Don't worry about replying as I well remember how tiring such meetings can be.

Thinking of you .... stay safe and take care. xx

[cas22]

Thank you for thinking of me. I did see the dr she was very kind in seeing my care co weekly and I have a support worker now who I see weekly also the health visitor. So lots of ppl supporting me. I'm still self harming although it's not as bad. The voices are quieter I just need to learn to love my baby now. Small steps tho. Today is a good day.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm glad the dr was kind ..... did she give you a diagnosis? It's good that you have more support now. I hope there is a good care plan in place. I'm sorry to hear that you are still self harming, which must be very distressing. Is it possible to distract yourself from such thoughts, although I know voices can be commanding? Did the dr give you any advice on how to cope?

You are such a good mum coping with your illness and four children. You will build a strong bond with your baby, as you say, it's small steps. I'm glad today is a good day ... just a day at a time for now.

Take really good care of yourself. We are here if you need us.

[uksarah]

I think you need support asap. Get onto the crisis team and tell them everything you are feeling. Post on here as much as you need. Here for you. Sounds like you do have pp and you are not been properly supported. Look after yourself and get the help you need.

[cas22 in reply to uksarah]

I asked the dr what was wrong with me and she said I had mild depression. But why am I on antipsychotics and why is the cmht looking after me if all I have is mild depression.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Did you see a psychiatrist or a doctor? I'm not sure about the doctor's opinion. It can't have been easy but did you tell her about your self-harm and the voices? I had those symptoms and was diagnosed with PP.

Is it possible for you to be referred to the APP Second Opinion Service by your doctor at app-network.org/what-is-pp/...? Prof Jones is very helpful and can reassure you and advise the care team.

Take very good care of yourself ........ one step at a time. We are all here for you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22, that doesn't seem right to me either. I would really encourage you, as lilybeth says, to ask to be referred to the second opinion service. Or talk to the Cmht about it. I do hope you're able to get a helpful diagnosis and support.

Ellie

[cas22]

I saw the dr but I asked her to tell me what was on my psyc report and she said the report says mild depression. She knew all about my hospital admission for sh. And social services were called to. I'm sorry for bothering you all there is obviously nohing wrong with me so tomorrow I will discharge myself from the cmht and figure this mess out on my own. Thank you again and sorry for wasting your time.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

You really haven't wasted our time .... that's what the forum is all about, just to talk and say how you feel. We are only here to help if we can and there is no one to judge or offend. With respect I think you should keep the support in place that you have and not discharge yourself. I couldn't have coped without mental health input and support.

Take good care of yourself. We are thinking of you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi cas, you moat,definitely haven't wasted our time, we are here for anyone who writes who is struggling. it's really important you don't discharge yourself, it's so important to have support. doctors aren't always right with the diagnosis. talk to your care coordinator / keyworker about how you feel and ask them what the mild depression diagnosis is about. it's important you dont try to cope on your own.

Keep writing here whenever you need to

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I just wondered how you have been since your last post? Are you receiving any support since you were thinking of discharging yourself from cmht? I know it's difficult to accept help when you have managed so far on your own but it's a good idea to have someone 'there' for you, either on the phone, on this forum, or dropping in for a chat.

Stay safe and take care.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

My care coordinator convinced me not to discharge myself. I'm seeing psychiatrist again on the 22nd. The health visitor has stopped seeing me. I still see my support worker and my care co-ordinator once a week. My meds are gonna be reviewed and hopefully I'm gonna get better I have missed the first 9 months of my baby's life I don't wanna miss any more.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I'm really pleased to hear you didn't discharge yourself and that you have another appointment. It's good that your health visitor doesn't feel the need to visit any more and having the support worker and care co-ordinator to talk things over with must be helpful. You definitely are gonna get better and I can understand how you feel about missing out ...... I was in and out of mental hospitals for six months when my first son was born (even missing his first Christmas)! Similarly with my second son, six years later, although he was a Summer baby and I was treated at home but hospitalised in times of crisis.

You're a great mum for coming this far so just hold on a bit longer and you'll get through this. We are all here for you anytime.

Take good care ......

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope your week has gone well. I'm glad you have the support of your care co-ordinator and support worker.

Take care ..... we are all here for you.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22, I hope things are improving a little for you and as time goes on it is all getting easier. It's a lot to deal with, trying to remain well in yourself and look after children too. Thinking of you, hoping this has been a good week for you, take care, xx

[Hidden]

Hello Cas 22,

I just have been reading about your situation and hope so very much that the care & support will improve for you.

It is good to have a support network in place and to be able to communicate and trust-in my case it was my care co-ordinator and GP.

Establishing a routine was of importance; Taking my medication on time and regularly supervised by my Psychiatrist , Sure Start was very useful to me...that was after 9 months. I took out my baby for baby massage and play groups twice a week.

Keep in touch; this forum is excellent...confidential, informative, kind and caring. I believe it is important to ask for help and to be open in the way how you feel...

Thinking of you,

Sabine

[cas22 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you to everyone who has replied and helped me. I have been in hospital again due to another episode of self harm. My support worker has refered me to social services for help as she feels she can no longer support me. I am still determined to get better and get rid of these intrusive thoughts. My care coordinator has been fantastic and really supportive. She is the only one I can rely on so far and as she says Rome wasn't built in a day and she can see improvements in me every day.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

So sorry to hear you have been in hospital. Intrusive thoughts are very hard to overcome but I hope the hospital have given you some coping strategies. Will you still be seeing the Psychiatrist on 22nd? Perhaps they will need to rethink the earlier diagnosis of mild depression.

I'm glad your care co-ordinator is such a great support. It's a shame she can't see you more than once a week. Perhaps Social Services will be able to help, even with routine jobs around the house to give you a break?

Stay safe and remember we are all here if it helps to talk. Thinking of you ......

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Yes I'm still seeing the psychiatrist on the 22nd. Hospital was very scary I've never hurt myself like that before but I had this need to do it. Had to take baby with me to hospital and all she did was scream when I was there. I think she knew I had done something really bad. I convinced them I didn't need admitting as I have no one to look after my kids for me so I'm back home with increased meds but no support till social services get involved to help me.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

You did really well to get yourself to hospital with baby. I hope you will be able to have more support soon. Have you tried Sure-Start who may be able to help while you're waiting? They might be able to offer support for your family.

It's not easy for you ..... I know only too well how those voices can be so commanding. I'm sorry you had such a bad time. Do you have a friend who can visit you? It's a wonder why the appointment with the Psychiatrist wasn't changed to be sooner rather than another two weeks. Perhaps if you would like to be seen sooner, you could ask your GP to fast track your appointment?

With the right care and medication the voices will fade and you will feel better eventually, as I did. I know that seems a long way off right now but I really hope you can have a good rest after your bad experience. You're building a bond with your baby ...... she knows when you're upset and cries with you!

Take care and stay safe ...... you're a great mum to your children.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas

I'm so sorry that you had to go to hospital because of self harm. That sounds really scary, but well done you for going to hospital. It's so important that you try to stay safe. Is your husband around? I know that he is probably working a lot? But is there a way he can coordinate some support for you, from some family or friends so you're not alone as this may help you not to self harm? I don't know your personal situation of course?

I really hope you get the professional support you need soon too. I'm glad your care coordinator is supportive. Would you consider going into hospital to recover and get some intensive support? is this something your care coordinator has mentioned? it may help you though I know it feels a big thing to go into hospital and leave your children. I know your baby is 8 months, you may be able to be admitted with your baby at a MBU (you can do this if your baby is up to a year old).

Take care, write here whenever you need to, thinking of you X

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello cas,

I'm sorry to read what you've been going through, it must be so frightening. I'm glad you found this forum.

There is a video that has been shared previously on a different thread about understanding intrusive thoughts - youtu.be/_Wss6W11bPM(Not working as expected?)

I'm glad you're getting good support from your care coordinator and hope your appointment on the 22nd helps to give you some answers and further support.

We're all here for you x

[cas22]

I don't have a husband he left us a week before I had the baby. It's just me and my kids. I have no friends and my family have no idea what's going on as I rarely see them atm.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

No wonder you are struggling without any friend or family support. Is it possible to get in touch with your family to let them know how you are? Perhaps you could visit in the next school holiday? I'm sorry you're coping with such a lot on your own. Has your doctor any more support to give you while you are waiting for help from Social Services? It's a good thing you have the care co-ordinator visiting if only once a week. Is there a Sure-Start in your area to help you and your children?

I hope you have been ok today with your thoughts and the medication is helping. Please stay safe and come back to talk here anytime if it helps.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi cas, goodness me as lilyBeth said I'm not surprised you're struggling on your own with four kids, you are an amazing strong mum. Do keep writing whenever you need to, and I just really hope you get the right support that you need... x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas

I just had a thought I don't know if you have checked out if there's any drop ins / support groups / parenting peer support, that kind of thing in your local area?? I imagine your local children's centre would have information about everything going on in your local area, just so you can make some connections? I know from personal experience that's really hard to do when you're not feeling well, but it might help? I'm sure you've probably thought of it, it was just a thought. Sure Start are great, but there may be other groups to join too.

How are you feeling at the moment? You are getting better, you have just been through so much by the sound of it. XX

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

I hope you have been ok since you last posted. Not long to go now before 22nd when you see the Psychiatrist. You are doing really well to cope with so much without little support. Has someone from Social Services been to visit to offer any help to you? I hope the increased medication has made a difference.

Stay safe and take good care of yourself .......

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Social services can't help me because it's my mental Health that's the problem not my children. Unless my children are in danger then they won't help me. My eldest is now more like my mum as the safest place for me is to stay in bed. So my eldest now looks after the baby for me before and after school. My friend looks after the baby during the day. All I do is hide in bed and sleep. I hope the psychiatrist can help me tomorrow.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

I hope when you see the Psychiatrist on Wednesday he will be able to help with the intrusive thoughts and signpost you to other agencies for support.

I hope you are ok. Take good care of yourself and let us know how you are if you have time.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down and in bed all day. I was depressed after I had PP too and so I do know a bit of how you feel. I really hope the psychiatrist appointment is helpful and some adjustments of meds can be made that will make you feel better.

I did find that if I made some small goals for myself each day (e.g. I will walk around the block with my baby, I'll put some laundry on, I'll clean the bathroom) helped me to fight the depression somehow even though I didn't actually feel like doing those things at the time. I remember someone saying to me once 'you have to fake it to make it'. I found viewing the depression as this thing I had to fight, that was outside of myself, helped. Are there any particular thoughts that you think are pulling you down? I found if I talked about them with my care coordinator or psychologist she could help me find a different more positive thought to replace it with & break the negative thought pattern I was in.

Is your Care Coordinator still visiting weekly? I just wondered if you're able to access any talking therapy as well? CBT was an absolute life saver for me when I was in the depression. It's really good to hear that you have your friend supporting you. I know it's hard when you're down but do be absolutely honest with all the people supporting you (psychiatrist, care coordinator) exactly how you're feeling, so they can help you. Are you able to bring your friend with you to the appointment as well? I always found it was helpful to have someone there who could advocate for me as well.

Take care, you will come through this and get better but it's important you get the right support that you need.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Helo cas22

I hope the psychiatrist will be able to help you today. Thinking of you ......