My story

Hello everyone.

I'm Laura, 30 and from the United Kingdom.

My nightmare started 21 months ago, 2 days after I'd delivered my baby girl via c-section.

On this second day, I stood in the kitchen and screamed at the top of my voice. I felt intense rage, it was so overpowering.

Days and weeks passed by and I totally lost any connection with reality. I believed that me and the baby had died during childbirth and we were transported to an alternative universe. I believed the government was plotting to kill us all over again by planting viruses in my country.

I started hearing voices every night, down right terrifying. I started to talk to wallpaper on the walls and believed that the patterns on them were demonic forces trying to destroy me.

I would not let anybody touch the baby and never dared to go outside. When I did venture to the doctor, he wouldn't let me leave without an escort.

Many failed medication attempts were made and a plan was devised that I would go into a mother and baby unit, but of course I wouldn't go as I thought they were trying to kill me.

I felt powerful, like I had all of the knowledge about the government and their plots.

After a few failed sincise attempts, I was prescribed haloperidol. This helped for a while but it now no longer works for me and I had a relapse psychotic episode last week.

I'm tired of fighing this. I'm so lonely and scared and I can't see a way out of this black hole.

Please help.

17 Replies

  • I'm so sorry your going through this. I am in the midst of this too. Although I am very sensitive and fearful of medication so it's been really hard. I pray that your mind lines up with the word of God and that His loving embrace overwhelms you and melts all your fears away and that you be healed in Jesus mighty name.

    God bless you

  • Hi laura

    Im so sorry for your relapse recently. I too have awful memories of my out of reality beliefs and behaviour. Everytime i think and go over it which is often is very hurtful.

    I expect you have care and plans put in place for you to recover and remain well. I fell unwel december 2013. After being discharged and introduced to my care co ordinator she suggested i talk to a phychologist for therapy. I found this helped a little as at the time i needed to tell someone what i could remember and how hurt i am the time i lost from my newborn baby. During my sessions we decided i would write my experience down; my own story. I wrote it out in chapters. It was mainly focused of my stay in hospital and the paitients and staff. If gave me some sense of release.

    It is tough to accept what had or is happening but just remember your not alone. I have found this forum exteremly useful and has given me such release/relief by enabling me to get things off my chest, share my experience, ask questions and comfort others.

    Nearly 2 years have passed since being diagnosed with PP. Even though i still have my days of anger and anxiety of it all. I can honestly tell you it is getting easier. Its taking its time but my journey of recovery is getting there. I believe we are all strong women and we can all help each other.

    We are all different and have our own individual needs as far as medication and care goes. But please dont feel alone laura as you will get through this.

    I hope you remain well from now on. Stay positive. Take care

    Violet x

  • Hi Laura,

    I'm sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time with a relapse after your PP episode. Do you have people round you at home who can help with your baby? I would really encourage you to try and trust someone close to you and try and get professional support, I know it's hard when you are feeling suspicious and mistrustful of people. Your GP might be someone to reach out to, perhaps someone close to you can help you in getting an appointment? If things are feeling really scary though, please call an out of hours number or go to your local A&E.

    I had an episode of PP 6 years ago now and whilst it was a long, hard road, with the help and support of those around me, and the right medication, I got better and you can too. Can you, or someone supporting you, ask if your meds can be reviewed if you feel they are no longer working for you?

    I know you said you didn't want to hospital before, but it can be a safe place for you. Hearing voices is something I remember all too well and it is a really scary thing, but I am glad you have found the forum and are reaching out to us. Please hang in there and know that we are all thinking of you and wishing you well. If you are feeling like things are too much you can also call the Samaritans on 116 123 - they have a new free landline number, and here is their website:

    I hope you are feeling less alone, we are here for you, xx

  • Hello Laura

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I'm so sorry you have had a relapse. It might seem like you have gone right back to the start but with good medical care and support you will eventually recover.

    I had PP twice many years ago and was very traumatised .... just like you have been ....hearing voices, being very wary and suspicious of professionals. When I came to the forum I hadn't disclosed my illness to anyone for fear of being judged but there is no one here to judge or offend. I felt so relieved to know that other women here had delusions and the post "Delusions of Grandeur and other experiences" was so reassuring to read as it was the first time, in a long time, that I felt I wasn't alone.

    I think it is a good idea, as previously mentioned, if you can arrange an appointment with your GP. It's very difficult if your medication isn't working and your GP can review this with you and perhaps suggest other interventions. Do you have a CPN visiting you? You have done really well to hold everything together this far but your health is very important ....... perhaps the time has come to consider 'time out' for yourself and baby in the mother and baby unit?

    PP is such a traumatic event in our lives, thankfully only temporary, although for you at the moment the effects seem endless. I'm sure you're very tired but try to get as much help as you can via your GP, family and friends.

    Take good care; you are definitely not alone ......... we are all with you.

  • Hi Laura - thanks for sharing your story so bravely. And I'm so sorry you are having a relapse. It's so hard! And exhausting!

    Please please please accept a bed in an MBu. I was in one for three months during a very intense psychosis and it was a very safe and caring place - for me and my son.

    I wrote a blog about MBUs which might be useful?

  • Thank you all so much, for your kind words and support.

    I've got fight deep down in me somewhere so I'm going to have to jolly well dig deep.

    The illness will not win. X

  • Hi Laura

    How are things for you at the moment? I loved reading your post about the illness not winning, it won't. PP is very treatable, there are other options out there and one will be right for you.

    I too have suffered a relapse/second episode before and it is very discouraging but don't lose heart. Please take the help you need - you deserve to have support - and you will soon be further along the road to recovery. Of course it's hard but you will get back to the life and good times you deserve to have with your family.

    Thinking of you today and wishing you well


  • Hi

    I'm so sorry that you are still fighting this illness, and that you have had a relapse. Do you have professionals supporting you? A psychiatrist who is looking at at your treatment and meds? You have seen already, you are most definitely not alone, including many women who have relapsed and then gone on to recover.

    I wanted to direct you as well to our website if you haven't found it yet already. There is a recovery guide there which is written by women who have had PP and professionals, and could be really helpful in helping your recovery.

    You are very brave to keep fighting, and 'dig deep', that is amazing, try and keep hold of that. You are a brave woman. I had PP four years ago - acutely psychotic, and also had depression afterwards. I am fully well now, it was an up and down recovery, but you will get better, as I did.

    Write whenever you need to, we are here for you.

  • I'm so sorry for you. I can tell you that you're not alone. It's been a little over two years for me as well and I'm medication resistant as well. I can tell you it gets better, don't lose hope. Just look to things that give you happiness and make sure you REST! That has been the biggest help for me. Hold strong ❤️

  • Hello Laura

    I hope you are feeling even more supported by the replies since your last post and that you are still remaining positive. It does take a lot of strength and courage to overcome all that PP has thrown at you but with the right care and attention you will be well eventually.

    We are all here to lean on.

  • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You've truly touched my heart.

    Things are really not good at the moment. My 3 children aren't allowed to live with me because of my problems.

    My family and friends and partner have turned their backs on me. I've never felt so alone and in pain. It's so overwhelming and heartbreaking.

    I got detained by the police under the mental health act yesterday and sectioned because I wanted to throw myself in front of a train. I am literally at my wits end. There's no fight left in me. I have lost everything.

    I have found a post natal illness helpline number that I plan to contact tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.

    Much love to you all x

  • Hello Laura

    So sorry to hear your heartbreaking update. Are you in hospital if you were sectioned? I was also sectioned having had similar thoughts. If you are feeling so low The Samaritans is a good helpline, available 24 / 7.

    Please take very good care of yourself.

  • Hi Laura I was really sad to read your latest update and to hear that things have been so bad for you. Are you in hospital now and getting some mental health support? Are your meds being looked at too? It sounds really important that you get the right professional support so I really hope you're getting it.

    I'm so sorry you feel abandoned by your family. It is heartbreaking. But please, things do get better, you will recover, it just takes time, to get the right support. We are all here for you whenever you need us. You are not alone. I will be thinking of you x

  • Hello Laura

    I've been thinking about you today and wonder how you are? Did you contact the post natal illness helpline for support or The Samaritans, just to talk about everything in your head?

    It must have been an awful experience for you being detained by the police. I was also 'visited' by the police and sectioned to general psychiatric care but was so ill that I wasn't aware of this at the time. It must have been worse for you knowing what was happening! I was in the pit of despair as you were at the time and think of it now as more of a cry for help ..... which it is .... and was for me.

    You are just very ill at the moment and need support ...... we both know that if we were in our 'right mind' there is no way we would have such thoughts. When I look back now I can't believe those thoughts entered my head but I have read my records and the details. When I read my notes it left me feeling very sad for this poor lost young woman who had been looking forward to the joy of being a mother. So I feel sad for your Laura but hopeful that you will recover as I have.

    Have you been sectioned to a mental health unit? I hope so for the sake of your sanity. It's very unfair that PP haunts us and leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. Our family and friends can't really understand what's happened to the young woman they once knew and it is frightening for them to witness too. Hopefully as you emerge from the darkness that is PP, which you will eventually, your family will understand how much torment you have been going through ... none of which is your fault ....... as until you are much stronger it's very hard for you to fight.

    Please don't despair ...... I really hope you are receiving medical support to review your care and medication. Hang on to our virtual coat tails ...... we are all here for as long as you need us.

  • Hi Laura,

    I was so sad to read about how hard things are at the moment for you. I hope you are safe and getting good care and support. Are you in hospital or at home with perhaps a treatment team coming in? I hope you are finding medical or other interventions which are helping towards your recovery. I know it's hard, but sometimes we do have to take meds, consider perhaps treatments or meds that we would rather not. In the long run, it might just be what you need to get well again.

    It can be so hard with families and if you feel you are not supported by them and are currently without your children, I can only imagine how awful things must feel. Try and focus on moving forward if you can. Perhaps a mindset of proving people wrong and fighting on could be helpful at this difficult time, I know I am incredibly stubborn and if something went against me, I would only work harder to show that I could do it when others said I couldn't.

    Please keep talking to professionals if at all possible, how was the helpline you mentioned? The Samaritans would also be there for you, here's the details again from their website: 116 123 - new free landline number, and here is their website:

    We are all thinking of you lots and wishing you well, take care, xx

  • Hello Laura

    Sorry to crowd your inbox but I wondered how you are? Perhaps you are in hospital and not able to access the internet. Wherever you are I hope you are safe.

    Take very good care of yourself ...... we are all here for you when you have time to talk.

  • Hi Laura

    Like everyone else on here, I hope you're okay and I am thinking of you. You can get better from PP - definitely will get better

    - with the support of your friends and family and medical team.

    I really wish you well and hope that things are moving in the right direction.

    Spaghetti x x

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