When did you know you were recovering?

[TwoUnderTwo]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to hear from you guys as to when you knew you were starting to recover from ppp? Like signs you knew you were on the otherside? Thanks!

[bluestarlady]

Hello, I have found the fact that my recovery has been up and down quite difficult to deal with. Some days I feel back to my normal self confident and alert self and other days I have background anxiety and panic about being left alone in the house with my little one. I'm finding more enjoyment playing with my baby and feel ok about doing things like making difficult phonecalls or doing something alone for the first time. I think less and less about my time in hospital and the psychosis episode and am concentrating on the future by going back to work tomorrow which I hope will help me (I've struggled with depression). I'm hoping my normal brain will function at work and I will start to remember things which will be a good sign - fingers crossed!

[andrea_at_app Volunteer in reply to bluestarlady]

I found going back to work quite difficult at first but eventually it really helped me get back into some sort of 'normal' routine. Also it was good for my family to know that I was safe & with people & the social interaction did help me get my confidence back. I had to take it steady & not expect too much, too soon though! I hope it went OK for you today.

[bluestarlady in reply to andrea_at_app]

My first day back was quite challenging mentally with lots to take in but I'm pleased that I made it through the day without taking any of my beta-blockers for anxiety. Thanks for your support!

[Hidden]

Hi TwoUnderTwo

I think the signs I knew I was recovering were I could get out of bed without wanting to hide and never get up, I no longer found the weekly food shop an overwhelming experience and I started taking pleasure in doing things for my baby rather than being on autopilot.

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi twoundertwo

Really good question... I think for me there were a number of stages of recovery. Firstly the very early resolution of psychotic symptoms. I look back on my notes from the time and see that I was starting to understand why I needed to take meds and they had started to work. I was 'coming back to earth'.

Then there was getting home and regaining my confidence as a mum, recovering from the shock of what had happened. Enjoying being with my baby and doing some feeds/nappy changes without feeling wobbly were my signs of recovery at this stage.

Then I guess came the deeper recovery of getting over the anger/unfairness of what had happened. I needed to talk to people about my experience and shared on online forums! The later steps years down the line has been getting involved in APP and campaigning for my local perinatal services.

Where are you feeling up to right now? I know you've had big treatment decisions to make recently and it can be worrying waiting for the effects to fully kick in. Be assured that we are here for you every step of the way. I know for me there were 'bumps' in the recovery process and it took a while. But you will get there, and look back & be amazed at your strength.

Take good care of yourself

Naomi

[andrea_at_app Volunteer]

Hi TwoUnderTwo,

Yes it is a good question. Thinking back, my mum noticed my earliest signs of coming through it even before I did & it was encouraging when she told me, even if I didn't fully believe it at the time. She said she could hear a difference in my voice on the phone, I guess up to then it was just monotone & she'd finally started to hear some emotion in it.

For me it was the small things that meant I was well on the way to recovery. I do remember the day I painted my toenails after 2 years of wearing no nail polish, jewellery or any makeup at all (v unlike me!) was a very big day! There were little steps like this at each of the recovery stages - I think noticing them & seeing them as the huge achievements they are is the hard bit. As time went on there were more & more of these little things that all added up to me being me again. Naomi is right, you will get there, look back & be amazed at your strength.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

I would echo everything that people have said. It is very small steps and a long process. For me the psychotic symptoms passed quite quickly initially and I felt almost myself when the depression kicked in a few weeks after.

When the depression first kicked in I felt completely numb, with no feelings whatsoever, and I remember a good friend coming to visit me in the MBU and crying for the first time and actually feeling something. That was one stepping stone.

I found the depression the hardest to recover from. I remember the psychotherapist in the MBU saying to me that with depression you will have 'windows' where you will feel like yourself again, and that these will gradually get longer and longer until you realise that there aren't any 'gaps' of depression. I don't think its quite as black and white as that - that I was either depressed or not - it was more a scale of depression. But I did find I did have windows of feeling more or less OK and these got longer. With the depression I would just sometimes give up fighting it and go into a hole- not want to get up, or just lie on the sofa, not able to interact etc. Then I would come out of it and be able to do things with some joy/happiness. And then something would trigger me to sink under again, sometimes there wouldn't even be a trigger.

Slowly I started to feel better and better and not have any depression, but still I didn't feel quite right, a bit on edge, not trusting my own health etc. But then slowly that went and I just started to feel really like myself again - but only changed, happier I would say than I have ever been.

I would agree with what others said, going on this forum has been quite a big part of my healing process, mainly the latter part. I found it after I had recovered from the worst (I wasn't suffering with the depression badly for example) but it has more really helped with coming to terms with what happened and finding a meaning and purpose after what happened - a sense of being able to make something good out of it (support others, and receive support) and I have made the decision to go to a day in April with APP about volunteering etc which I'm really excited about - the thing I am most excited about is to meet other women who have had PP.

I wish you well in your recovery,

Ellie

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi TwounderTwo,

For me, in the mid 70's, I think the first stage to my recovery was being transferred from a secure asylum to another MH unit where I was reunited with my son, although I still had a long way to go. Later in my recovery was the realisation, during some anxious moments, that my first thought was no longer to return to hospital but to cope at home with my family.

Take good care of yourself, we're all here to lean on.

[Finacle16]

Being able to eat without forcing myself ; laughing; feeling able to be on my own with both kids; and crucially, bossing my husband about again - he said he knew when I started doing that I was on the road to being myself again ! I had lost all my confidence and decision making abilities and really was quite childlike and dependent on him both times I was ill, which is very much the opposite to my usual personality!