had to put children in childcare and feel awful.

[Louise13]

Hi everyone and thank you for all your advice on my previous questions. I have now been discharged from the MBU after a 2 month stay but still feel pretty rotten. Psychotic symptoms gone but mood very low. I am on diazapam,venlafaxine,abilify and lithium. The dr was reluctant to discharge me but as he had no grounds to keep me there agreed on a disscharge. I feel I am well enough to be out of hospital but not well enough to be a t home. I am looking after baby and my 2 older children are looked after by friends 2 afternoons a week and social services have found places for a nursery/childminder for my other 2 children. my husband is doing reduced hoursa t work and helps in the morning. someone comes to see me daily from the home treatment team.I feel useless and hopeless I cant even look after my children. Do you think I should go back into hospital?THE DR said there is a bed there for me if i want it again. dont want to disrupt the kids even more though by going back in.Any thoughts or advice on this would be appreciated.Has anyone been discharged then had to go back in with other kids at home?

[andrea_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Louise13,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time now you're at home again, it's really understandable though as it's it's such a fragile time & it's a big change after months in an MBU. Getting used to everyday life again & the new routines with little ones is bound to be yet another big challenge. I think it's really important to take things slowly & get as much rest as you can - it sounds like you've got everything in place & you've got a great support network around you - it's great that hubby can help in the mornings too!

I understand feeling awful & guilty about putting your children into childcare & it might not be how you'd planned things at all. To me it sounds like a really good thing though to give you time to yourself & plenty of rest to recover - I'm sure having that space at the moment will help you get back to your usual self quicker & the most important thing to your children is you being well. It is temporary & if you're not happy with it in the future you can always change it later. I think the main thing to focus on now for everyone is your health & your recovery. If ever you & your hubby feel you'd be better back in the hospital then don't see it as a failure of any kind, you'd be doing what you have to do to get better. It's good to know there's a bed there for you if you needed one.

I remember feeling useless for not being able to look after my family, cook or clean etc. it was just awful, especially after I'd always been so capable - PP really knocks your self-esteem! I remember being really proud one day when I'd managed to put some washing on - I can laugh about it now but at the time it was a really big deal. I had to remind myself that I was ill, I'd been through so much & I was still recovering & I mustn't be hard on myself. You can't be expected to do everything as you did before you were ill.

I hope things ease up for you & I'm sure you'll continue going from strength to strength.

Take care x

[bpdmum]

Hi Louise,

I remember leaving the M&B Unit like it was yesterday. The 'wanting' to be at home in your own home with your own belongings and family and friends etc, but also the 'struggle' of trying to 'fit back in'. I don't know how many 'home leaves' you had during your stay, but I only had two in four months, which perhaps made the transition more difficult.

I think that perhaps if you are still feeling too unwell to be at home and unable to look after your children, that perhaps you do still need the services and support of the M&B unit. Maybe if you do re-admit yourself, but then gradually increase the frequency and length of home visits, you will find it easier? It's hard to get the 'specialist' help once you are out of their service.

My husband also worked reduced hours, but only you and he will know how long you can manage like this financially. We were ok with family support for a couple of months but then he needed to go back full time.

Do you know how long Social Services are going to 'support; you? We haven't found their involvement in anyway helpful, but it maybe different for you. I would hate for you to be in our position, whereby SS are now judging me as a 'risk' because of my mental health. Whatever you decide to do as a family, I wish you well (((hug))) xxx

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi Louise, just to echo what the others have said... My transition from MBU to home was very gradual, and built up over a period of time with longer and longer home stays. This worked well for me and by the time I was formally discharged I was very ready to leave! Don't feel bad about using child care, even mums who haven't been through what you have would need to use this with three young children! I just have the one little one so I can't imagine what three is like! Best of luck and don't be hard on yourself, you've done so well getting through the psychotic episode! K x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Louise, It's very early days for you after coming so far along your journey. I think you have been very well organised to have support and care in place for your children. As has been said, don't be so hard on yourself, it's not easy being back in the routine of life but hopefully the medication is helping.

Make sure you have five minutes to yourself when baby's asleep. Be proud of yourself ... you're going in the right direction ... just not in the fast lane too soon please!

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Louise really feeling for you and wanted to echo what other people had written. When I was due to leave the M&B unit 6 weeks after my psychotic episode I completely panicked and that's when I went into a deep depression, I had had no home visits, and as others said I only had my son and not other children to look after. It sounds like you have some amazing support. My experience was to just somehow take each day at a time, things will get better definitely, somehow you slowly heal. Having your other children in childcare for some of the time is definitely not a failure, you definitely need the space and time to recover and you can only manage so much, looking after yourself and getting better has to be your priority. Also as someone else says if you need to go back to the M&B unit that isn't a failure either, and maybe an option is to be in M&B unit and have very regular home visits so you still see your kids but still have all the support you need.I found the support in the M&B unit so helpful, and it made me feel safe.

Thinking of you

[VowDarling]

Hello Louise13: I am from the USA and had several hospitalizations within the course of a year after the birth of my daughter in 1977. It took a good year for my body to get back to its pre-pregnant state. No one knew then that I had a sluggish thyroid gland. That's why it took so long in my case. We were a military family and so care and treatment did not include M&B Units; I was in a mixed psychiatric ward at least 35 minutes from base housing. Europe is light years ahead of the U.S. especially with maternal health care, research & education.

At the time of treatment, my baby girl was 8 months old and our son was 5 yrs.old. My husband, a folk group member or two from church, or a close friend would take care of my children while I was hospitalilzed. I had no family member that could fly over and pitch in, or any mom-to-mom support group. With you still feeling helpless and hopeless, like I did back when, maybe some more M&B would be helpful -- until you feel some hope by gaining confidence in self and strength in your body.

For a new mum, with so much to transition from and to, it takes a jungling act of sorts to do all - all the time. Try to do some, some of the time for now. Take time for yourself, do Yoga; 'have a cup of tea with a friend'; stroller-cize - baby in carriage while you walk behind - or take a bubbly bath in Epsom Salts. Epsom Salts may relax the muscles that may still be tight from all your hard work of giving birth.

I'm proud of you to be able to reach out and ask for feed-back. Sharing, you won't feel so alone. Just like a mother duck with her brood -- one day, you will wake up with a smile on your face, and say to your children, " come on kids, mums taking you to the park today". And, you will, and you will all have a wonderful time.