Post Traumatic Stress, Complicated Grief, Drug Abstinence and Daily Life.

[jimboble]

I am a long term sufferer of physical and mental health problems. I usually feel completely worthless and used to use all kinds of intoxicants to help me through the day. I have now quit the most harmful things including giving up anti depressants.

Recently I have been awarded esa support group which means I do not need to look for work. However when I wake up every day I feel so useless and scared. It is something I have felt all my life but has been particularly bad recently. I have had one of the worst years ever and I already thought I'd had the worst years of my life, previous to this one. I was left by my partner after loosing all my disability benefits with the welfare reforms of last year. I was left in a house we moved into together with everything in my name. My partner (just before she left) actually believed when I became severely ill again after losing my benefits that I was acting up and pretending to be ill to avoid house work and to get money from the Government. I was hospitalised shortly after she left for almost a month I came back to the house we shared, alone and desperate. To make matters worse almost all my close friends had started families at the same time, which meant I could no longer socialise or see any of them. It has been 8 months since my partner left and I am just starting to feel like getting myself back up and out of the house for some life. I have met someone very nice and I plan to spend time with them. The problem is the fear has come back that I felt I'd overcome. I feel like this new person will not be interested in me once they get to know me. I feel like I am a failure in society as I have no job. I have a keen interest in music which I had a small amount of success with last year before I got sick, but I feel I have no future at all and I fear this new person will think that too once they get to know me.

I have done everything I can possibly think of I am in group therapy I have tried volunteering I meditate almost every day. But this morning fear and hopelessness keeps coming back. I know I have repressed a particularly gruesome memory from my childhood and I have no idea what to do about it perhaps that is the reason I feel fear and hopelessness. I keep thinking I was right to use the drugs I did as this feeling is so powerful it's no wonder I used them.

Now it is evening and the fear has started to become easier to deal with after 6pm I feel better as I know no one else is at work. I still feel like I should be getting intoxicated to avoid feeling like this but a whole new group of anxieties have appeared. Will it make me feel worse in the long term? What will other people think of me if I take a banned substance? Was my life better when I didn't care as much about taking drugs?

It seems like no matter what you do if you have this illness, depression, anxiety, whatever you want to call it. It will affect you because it is an illness it is not because of what you do. It may be a consequence of events in your life you had no control over. Blaming yourself is wrong, feeling worthless is wrong these are symptoms of sickness. The only thing to do is get any help available and do not blame yourself for your situation.

I only hope this period of illness is over soon as it has been one of the hardest to deal with in my life so far.

[Hidden]

Hi Jimboble,

Welcome in, firstly I had PTSD from childhood and finally got help with it by seeing a EMDR therapist......god I still dont know how it worked but it did, and still does 2 years later, its available on the NHS too.

As to the illegal drugs, you know inside yourself where they lead, there expensive firstly......and thats something neither of us can afford, secondly, and most importantly you dont need to mask your feelings with drugs..........its only a way of continuing your suffering, and I thought you wanted out.

If you need some help get something off the doctor........maybe some valium's for when its really is bad, but again there a drug.....same as the other stuff, so use wisely I'm free of all drugs now for over 2 years, and its feels great

I found as the EMDR kicked in I started seeing things clearer, I wasn't so hard on myself, I actually started caring for myself and then others. With your experiences of mind, although it doesn't feel like it now, you have the perfect tool to get you free of this hell.

You will know if something is right for you.........just ask yourself now.......are illegal drugs the way out......... I think you know the answer to that.

Also your new partner, she is taking you for who you are, don't feel inadequate, you have many things to give..things others dont even think about, and maybe thats what she is looking for. Enjoy it.

Are you doing lots of loving kindness in your meditation, as I founds that is very important for us .

wishing you well

B

xxx

[jimboble]

Thank you B, I do use loving kindness mediation I find it works well.

I am having trouble at the moment seeing my doctor I have lost confidence in them as one of the reasons my partner left is because my GP had no idea about my illness (ulcerative colitis) and didn't tell me I needed hospital treatment I was loosing a fair amount of blood daily. I also had a bad experience with a psychiatrist recently who basically pigeon holed me as soon as she met me. I feel completely let down by NHS of late except for the hospital I attended. Valium is the new demon drug according to what I've heard from GP's and the Psychiatrist even though I know it works for me. I know I could make an emergency phone appointment to get some but then walking to the docs to get the prescription then waiting at the chemist puts me off so much. Thanks for your nice words, I am meeting this new lovely person again tomorrow and I am so scared I really hope it goes well. J x

[jimboble]

I think I'm going to pluck up the courage to see my gp and ask them about EMDR thanks for the help.

[Hidden in reply to jimboble]

I've had some bad experiences with psychiatrists too, but also one that potentially saved my life, remember there not all bad, i even get the doctor to listen occasionally. Just keep at 'em, its their job to care.....and they remember that ocassionally.

And I know about the demon valium I was on it for 30 years but whats the alternative. If you can leave all the drugs alone its best, but we are allowed some help sometimes.

Sounds great regarding the new partner, hope it goes well, take it easy, and enjoy the moment. I even get the ocassional moment with my wife even after all these years.

all the best

B

xxx

[nannyann23]

please what is EMDR and PTSD? Ive joined the forum tonight and all I know about is pills, what kind of therapy is it and is at available on the NHS ?

[jimboble in reply to nannyann23]

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder not sure what EMDR stands for.

[dorset]

hi,i feel the same about going out as you do, have had problems for years (im 55) i decided to get a little dog she has changed my life,when im up for it i walk her and you allways get a smile from other dog owners and brief chats which is a great way to interact slowly with people and get fresh air.

[jimboble in reply to dorset]

Hi Dorset I have a cat and so sad I can't take her out for walks I don't think she'd like a dog and I have to move somewhere I'm not even supposed to have a cat. I need a cat though so I don't care. Thanks for your reply.