Borderline Personality

[Sosmall]

Hi everyone. I’m wondering if anyone in this group has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or has traits for it. My husband and I are struggling with how to help our daughter who displays the traits. We’ve done book research but would like to chat with someone who has lived it so we can gain some practical perspective on it. Thank you!

[b1b1b1]

If you are concerned about this you might want to take your daughter to a psychiatrist in order to be diagnosed. Perhaps you have done this. I can't tell from your post, however, I will say that trying to diagnose someone, especially a child, on your own, without professional help is not good and can be damaging.

[Sosmall in reply to b1b1b1]

Hi b1. Our daughter is an adult so we can’t require her to go to anyone. Borderline is something that is not diagnosed until the person reaches adulthood. When she was a minor, we were told by a therapist/counsellor that she displayed the traits of BPD but couldn’t be diagnosed until she was an adult. So, this means we are stuck in a bit of a loop in that we see she needs help but she doesn’t want it and, since she’s an adult, we cannot force her to get help. We would never diagnose her with anything ourselves - we very much respect the medical community and their expertise.

With that said, what we are looking for is some insight into (maybe) how she is seeing/comprehending things because we are really struggling to figure out when the techniques we are using are helping or harming. Do you have any experience with this that might assist us?

[b1b1b1 in reply to Sosmall]

I do not have any experience with the. I do know that it is difficult to impossible to force an adult to get medical help, especially psychiatric help, if they do not want to.

[RubymyT in reply to Sosmall]

Hi

I see it's been a year since this post , are you still here , still in search ?

[Sosmall in reply to RubymyT]

Hello. Yes, I’m still here and always wanting to learn more/gain more insight into BPD. Do you have some information or resources?

[RubymyT in reply to Sosmall]

I don't want to be disappointing , but I'll tell you my story. I'm 70 , my daughter is going to be 50 .She started to be different around 10 years old. Teen years were the worst. So many runaways , her calling and me chasing after her to bring her home. It took me decades to realize I was being manipulated. At first it was "you don't love me". Of course that gets to a mom. So I went overboard to prove that I did. which in the end I don't know if that was the right thing to do.

I offered for her or me or both of us go to counselling .She agreed to both of us , we took turns at the office.

In her eyes I was trying to make her believe she was crazy

Not until I was about 55 did I realize I had to give myself a break and it wasn't my fault. I could never love her enough.

So not everything is your fault. BPD is so hard to deal with.

If I've learned one thing . I don't offer advice unless I'm asked. Also if I do give advice I say "well if it was me , I would .."

Maybe its different for you, but if I say anything different from what she wants , she is mad,and I get rejected.

The same as with anyone else , they have to want to change.

As parents we suffer more than they do . It hurts like hell. She just looks at the world differently then we do. Maybe its kind of like having an autistic child, they are who they are and we have to learn to live with it.

I found the best way to deal is stay close, but not too close .be there at a distance if she needs you, let her come to you ,

the parent get counselling on how to deal with a child with BPD

At this point in her life when she comes to me troubled and looking for help, I offer to pay if she would want counselling , because I don't have all the answers.

This too opens another door. Even with counselling , they still blame the parent.

Last week mine loved me, I said something she didn't agree with , Last 2 weeks I'm invisible, if I call , everything comes out bitter. But I have to get occupied with my life and just be there when she needs me.

I'm sorry if I didn't give you the right answers , but thought I'd tell you the things that did and didn't help us.

If you do want to talk, I'm here

[Sosmall in reply to RubymyT]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I can definitely relate to what you have said as many of the same things have happened with my daughter.

[Shanpa69]

Hi Sosmall l am an adult who has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder l have lived with BPD for many years. I totally understand your dilemma as parent to want to help and support your daughter but what l found is that until l accepted l had a problem and needed help it was difficult for anyone to help me . You can only be there to listen to your daughter encourage her to seek help when she is displaying risky behaviour .If you feel she is going to harm herself then you can reach out to the mental health team in your area for support and advice. I hope your daughter does reach a place of self acceptance and will reach out and receive the help she may need

Take care

[PourSomeSugarOnMe]

Hi, I was diagnosed with BPD years ago, it’s different for everyone so a big spectrum really, I’ve been married to a wonderful person for 28 years who is very understanding which helps big time. I do still struggle with self harm (again not everyone with BPD does SH) I don’t have a great relationship with my mother, she doesn’t understand anything mental health related. Without knowing your child, all I can say is to be loving, caring and understanding and encourage her to get help, obviously that’s up to her but it would be beneficial especially if she’s really struggling. The fact that you’ve posted here asking advice is refreshing to see a parent genuinely wanting to help their daughter

[muhammad_04]

yes

[PourSomeSugarOnMe]

how are things with your daughter now?

[Sosmall in reply to PourSomeSugarOnMe]

Hello. Thanks for checking in. Things are going okay - we are doing what we can to support and encourage her to get help but know it’s not going to happen until she’s ready.

[PourSomeSugarOnMe in reply to Sosmall]

I hope she does feel ready soon to get the help but I’m so glad she has you to support her, it makes such a difference. Thanks for updating me.

[notanotter]

Have you looked at TARA in the US? They have support groups and training seminars for family of people with BPD.

tara4bpd.org/virtual-workshops

I suspect my sibling has this disorder after discussing with a PsyD. Currently my sibling has turned against me, and it’s challenging to know how to talk to him. It’s almost paralyzing trying not to trigger him because it’s so easy to do.

If I say I love him he attacks me as insincere. If I try to practice empathizing with his feelings, he finds one word to react to and rage. He can’t see (or bear to look at?) his own behavior as contributing to everyone avoiding him. Right now he only talks to our mother, while he sends me abusive paranoid messages. Before, she was the bad one and he talked to me.

The books helped restore my sanity (I was blaming myself), but they didn’t help with the practical aspects. I need to practice talking to someone with BPD without triggering them, and get corrected.

[Sosmall in reply to notanotter]

Thank you for suggesting this resource. I am in Canada but, at first look, I think I can still access this. Much appreciated.

And I 100% understand what you’re saying when you say it’s almost paralyzing in trying not to trigger the person. There’s lots of information about what the disorder is, but to actually have practical, real life, info and experiences is something completely different altogether.

Thanks again. I’m going to look into this information further.

[notanotter in reply to Sosmall]

Another family education program I found is "Family Connections" - the US organization points Canadians to a nonprofit called SASHBear:

sashbear.org/family-connect...

It's a structured program for loved ones of people with "emotional disregulation" aka BPD and related disorders.

(It's not a support group, but I suspect we might be able to connect with other families in the classes.)