The reason why I’m here

[Matilda15]

Good evening. I’m a gay female that has just recently lost her 17 year relationship and my ex does not want to be friends because it is too much stress but it is destroying me

[Putterfly]

Hi Matilda15...I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am in a 30 year marriage but in love with someone else for the last 5 years but they are living with someone else. My marriage has been dead for 20 years. I actually feel like I can't have either or can't do either relationship.

I just don't know how to start over. I don't have the money to go on my own.

Is it hard for you to function? My friends tell just put one foot in front of the other and move forward...yet I can't do it.

How about you?

[Matilda15 in reply to Putterfly]

Well our relationship was doomed the last three years but I love her immensely but not in love. Both of us needed counseling but neither of us were smart enough to do it in time. I’m fine wit the relationship ending but I’m not fine with not having her in my life and that is her call

[Putterfly in reply to Matilda15]

Oh thats so sad. Sometimes I wonder why we can't just help each other and be there for someone. Were just people all trying to make it in this world and get somewhere good and deal with all the struggles of day to day life. 17 years is a long time. Im sure its very painful for you.

[Matilda15 in reply to Putterfly]

It is extremely painful and I’m not sure how to deal

[Hidden in reply to Matilda15]

I know it is cliche to say but I found taking things one day or even one hour at a time helped me when I was agoraphobic. I know it’s not the same as breaking up, but I found it helped keep me in the present. I hope you feel better soon. 🤗

[Icare4u in reply to Hidden]

This is true... I found myself having to do this after my break up.

[Matilda15 in reply to Putterfly]

Is the one you are Inlove with aware of everything and what is their intentions?

[Putterfly in reply to Matilda15]

I know. I feel like I need a support group to go talk to. I get so down and have no motivation. I have friends to talk to be they judge so bad and tell me get over it...move on.... I just can't though. Sometimes I just want to cry and let someone sit with me while I do it. Theres no one though that understands.

The man I am in love with knows...I see him as much as I can but he can't commit to me. He cannot tell me that he can commit to me. I try to break off and not see him but Im crazy about him and can't let it go.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. It hurts soooo much. I know. Do you work?

[Matilda15 in reply to Putterfly]

I will be here for you to talk to. I know what it is like when no one is around. I’m gay in small town America and I’m judged greatly. I just want to feel normal but I have been judged greatly and I know how bad it hurts.

I understand that you are inlove with him but you need to determine your self worth. I will be here whenever you need it and I’m willing to help as much as I can

[Putterfly in reply to Matilda15]

Awww you sound so nice. I wish we could meet for coffee. Does your ex live in the same small town? If she does that has to be even harder in small town. I know...over the last 5 years I have tried to break it off with this man but it hurts so much that I always go back. It hurts every night and weekend when I don't see him but hurts even worse when I don't see him all. If that makes sense. Can I ask you do you want your ex back full time or do you just want her there in your life as a friend to call or talk to now and then?

Thank you too for chatting.

[Matilda15 in reply to Putterfly]

I will be here to chat for as long as you want. My ex lives about forty mins away from me. Her family has decided I should not be spoken to. It was not until this last year that I could admit I was gay so that has made it harder. Me ex deserved a real relationship and I never provided that because we hid from everyone. I think me a Nd my ex need to grow with this situation and become better people to possibly come back together. I really want to be her friend and make sure she is ok and have her feel the same

Does your person feel the same about you that you feel?

[Icare4u in reply to Putterfly]

Putterfly I know that feeling... Nothing ever seems to work out for me either.... I've gotten to the point where I'm just D-O-N-E.

I have seriously given up and accepted that I am smart, pretty, friendly, funny, compassionate, and still fairly young but Mr Right just isn't a real thing. This fairytale I wanted so bad is just an illusion or delusion maybe. I watch too much tv. Everyone's in love, they have these great relationships /romances etc and it makes me want that and I spent years trying to find it and only being sad. I'm so much happier now that I have given up because me focus is on me and making myself happy. All my energy prior to this was doing things to make other people happy.

So what's my point...

I'm in my 40's, never worked, children, no money... And I found a way to start over.

I'm going to school and plan to be 100% self reliant. Focus on you and you'll find a way to start over again. 🙂

And this person that is in another relationship and with you... Let them go... Please trust me on this. It's only going to bring you hurt. If you get yourself independent, and they see that and they start making strives to do the same to possibly join you... Then let it happen at that later time, when they are no longer bound. People are cruel and they take advantage of or love with no intentions of returning the same.

[Putterfly in reply to Icare4u]

Hi Icare4u. Thank you so much for your note. I read this morning quickly before going to work but didn't have a chance to reply. I re-read 3x now since I got home from work. I know I need to focus on me I just have never figured out how to. I am 58 and always give. I admire you for going back to school and doing something for yourself. Ok....Im going to read your note again!!!

[Icare4u in reply to Putterfly]

I've always given too!

I can tell a secret trick that helped me... I went to a counselor for about a year. She really helped me feel better about saying NO.

Basically when I'd tell her about the things I'd do for others, she'd ask me how that helped me better my own situation and if these other people are ever there to help ME. I started feeling more taken advantage of than appreciated and realized that most people didn't help me in return.

She also asked me what I want, and encourage me to chase the attainable dreams and forget the ones that won't fit in to my life.

[venusianlove]

hi Matilda15. i know losing a long term relationship can be really difficult. i hope you are allowing yourself to grieve. i know you want to have a friendship with her but it sounds like she is not available for that right now. maybe if you can't talk to her but have some things to say you can write her a letter? even if you don't send it to her, it can still help you to process your emotions. also there are online communities specifically for people who are dealing with breakups. if you're interested i can refer you to one. something that helped me when i broke up with my ex was being really intentional about resuming doing activities i love and taking good care of myself (diet, exercise, sleep, etc). that way her absence felt less like a loss because i filled it with joyful and pleasant things. of course i was still very sad and cried a lot. i also wrote her numerous letters and later after she took space to herself we did come back and talk about things so i got some closure. i resumed old hobbies i had neglected when we were together. and i spent time out the house to get out of my head. <3

[Matilda15 in reply to venusianlove]

Yes I would love as much info as you have. I have completely lost myself

[venusianlove in reply to Matilda15]

Do you have Reddit? There’s a subreddit called r/breakups

[Want2BHappy3]

Sorry for what you're going through, but as much as it hurts, you have to Respect what she wants and move on. Get counseling to help. I'm a straight female who walked away from a 16 year marriage from a abusive husband before it became physical towards my kids. We left with just our clothes and homeless for 3 weeks. It tough YES, but you will be OK eventually.

[Matilda15 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

I just started counseling yesterday and go back again today but I need the panic attacks to stop

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Matilda15]

It will, unfortunately it might stay with you for ??? I've been suffering with anxiety and depression off and on for about 36 years. You might need Medication to deal with it? Don't be Afraid to change doctors or Medication if you need too?

[Matilda15 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

I’m on Paxil but it is not helping

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Matilda15]

Try Mirtazapine? That's what finally helped me

[Matilda15 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Can you tell me what that is? Does it work like Paxil where it has to build up in your body or is it situational like Xanax?

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Matilda15]

It's for anxiety and depression. I've never tried Paxil or Xanax so I don't know? People react differently to Medications, so it might not work for you? You won't know unless you try?

[Matilda15 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Thank you so much

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Matilda15]

You're welcome

[Gtcncmp68]

So sorry to hear what has happened. I would give it time for both of you. After 17 years there has obviously been "something" that kept you together for as long.. Do you think there may be something going on with your ex. A don't mean someone else i am thinking maybe something going on in her head that she maybe can't find the words to express herself to you. 🙏

[Matilda15 in reply to Gtcncmp68]

The last three years of our relationship we were just coexisting and we loved each other but we were not in love. But we were each other’s go to person for everything and really and truly had not friends because we kept our relationship a secret.

[Gtcncmp68 in reply to Matilda15]

Give it time. Its not easy.. And maybe find something else to keep your mind busy.. Focus on making yourself happier and she may realise what she's lost..Good luck. 👍

[Icare4u]

Matilda it gets easier as time passes but you may always feel some hurt unfortunately. You're gonna be sad right now. That's normal. There really is no magic cure, the only thing that will help is less thinking about it and that happens in time. I'm going through something similar and my ex is trying to be friends and its killing me because if we can't be more than friends than I rather I not see him. So it may be a blessing to have her tell you that. Either way life will works itself out. Your life will take whatever direction it does on its own without her and you'll find new circles and new loves and you'll be ok. Try to focus on something for you! Not a relationship... But a hobby, a new career, a project... Let it consume you for now while some time passes and don't keep trying to reach out and be friends. Just let her go. Hugs and kisses, you'll get through this!

[Matilda15 in reply to Icare4u]

Thank you and I appreciate it. We have been over and apart for 5 months and now all ties are severed on her end and I am failing miserably at accepting that. I am will work on what your say

[Icare4u in reply to Matilda15]

I completely understand. My ex and I have been apart for a year and a half and I am still on the rollercoaster. I'll go through some time where I'm fine, but as soon as we talk I'm in love again and I have to start the whole letting go process over again. Having a baby with him and having to see him makes it impossible for me to let go. I've never loved someone so much and I hate that he's had many people in his life give up on him, so I refuse to. BUT this is not holding me back or interfering in my life like it used to and where I think you are at. Honestly he interfered in holding me back when we were together far more than since we've parted. But I was a fragile mess, that would cry outta no where and I can imagine if I had a job art that point how that would've went over, walking around crying all day long and unable to get away from your thoughts.

I feel for you!

[Matilda15 in reply to Icare4u]

We are both broken and we need to heal so at this stage I’m not wanting us to get together but to let each other know how their life is going. We never had closure. My ultimate fairy tale is as for us to both heal and be friends and if that let to a second chance great but if not we would still be in each other’s lives and be better toward each other. But since our paths don’t cross I will have no way of knowing if she is good, can I fix something. Or if she can still be a part of my life and she can choose what part

[Icare4u in reply to Matilda15]

Well I would not contact her and maybe in a about four months... Maybe for Christmas, reach out then. She may just want to be cut off from you for a bit but doesn't want to say that because she is worried you'll get false hope or something. So in your case, just be respectful for now... Do what you need to for you and then reach out in time and see what happens. But wait at least two months. If she's said she doesn't want to talk and you keep reaching out she's definitely not going to answer you because you are at that point a disrespectful annoyance.

[Matilda15 in reply to Icare4u]

I agree and I’m trying to talk my head through it. I so want her to be the best her she can be and I so want her to rule the world. She deserves it and deserves better than me. I have been blocked from everything but just want to touch base from time to time. Her birthday was last week and apparently that was my trigger. She is a tremendous lady and I’m trying sooooo hard to respect her wishes but I’m scared. I know her wants and needs should be put first but after 17 years and being two strangers passing in the night, that terrifies me

[Icare4u in reply to Matilda15]

And you cannot worry about what she's doing... It will drive you nuts.

[JkBrauer]

I am sorry that your 17 year relationship is broken. Maybe it is a good thing that you do not get involved with your ex right now, this gives you time to grieve and heal and find a new and positive perspective. - This a good time to learn as you heal.

[Matilda15 in reply to JkBrauer]

I’m all for healing but there is nothing that causes our paths to cross now and I’m terrified of never having a casual conversation again or knowing how she is doing

[JkBrauer in reply to Matilda15]

Is she your only friend or do you have family and other friends you can talk to?

[Matilda15 in reply to JkBrauer]

Because I have been closeted my whole life we have never let anyone know about us so there for no friends except work acquaintances. Her family is way more supportive than mine

[JkBrauer in reply to Matilda15]

Maybe this might be a good time to talk to your family and tell the truth.

[Matilda15 in reply to JkBrauer]

They know then truth but for my whole adult life they have asked me not to speak of it. I don’t know what to say to them because I have been nothing but a robot with them and they just usually ask for money and know I’m dependable

[Icare4u in reply to Matilda15]

This is very sad... You need to speak up. Tell them that you know they don't like it, but you have feelings and you are having trouble with this and you NEED to talk to them about it.

I would never tell my children or my siblings to not speak of their lives to me. Family should be supportive

[Matilda15 in reply to Icare4u]

Mine literally told me after my first girlfriend that we will accept you but never speak of it so I have had to deal with heart ache alone and I got to the point that I cannot

[JkBrauer in reply to Matilda15]

I am sorry to hear that, about your parents. Families can be some of the toughest people to talk to and try to resolve problems with. However, sometimes we just have to "take the bull by the horns" and take control of the situation. my husband and I had to do that when we were in our early years of marriage. We had to have 3 different meetings because no one seemed to be able to come together at one time. The meetings were tense, but we had to stand strong and hold our ground. We told them what our thoughts and convictions were. Our parents did not like what we had to say, but they did start to respect our thoughts and ways. Today, we can talk to our parents and keep in touch.

[Matilda15 in reply to JkBrauer]

That is awesome for you and I’m happy for you

[JkBrauer]

What do you think might help you with your parents?- Sometimes, I write letters on paper and I can jot down all of my emotions and feelings and then I write whatever comes to my mind and when I finish the letter, I can send it off to the person/people or just give it to them. I can choose to tear the letter up or watch it burn in the sink. I can choose to save it and re-read it to hopefully give me courage once again... You can choose to do whatever you want to do with the letter to help you get to feeling better and more at peace with yourself.

[Matilda15]

I don’t know. Them not accepting me for my whole life has left a rift that I’m not sure they see.

[Hidden]

Hi Matilda15,

I am a gay male ended a relationship with a guy after being with him for 26 years. I know how painful it is to lose someone you knew for the so long. I can only tell you that it gets better even though right now it is very painful.

My story maybe different from yours in details for the pain must be just the same. I would like to you know that despite this pain that there is solace in other things around you that can help you get through to the next milestone in your life. And there will be happier times ahead be sure of that. Just focus on small steps to get through the days of suffering and look to find the good that is all around you for peace.

[Matilda15 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I have lived a very isolated life and the only friend I had was my partner and we were not living as an “out” couple so my struggle is not letting her go because I want her to grow and flourish but of having no life and not having contact with her