Sometimes I’m afraid to feel better.
I’ve lived with this demon for so long I avoiding even trying.
Confessional: Sometimes I’m afraid to... - Anxiety and Depre...
Confessional
Written by
CallMeByYourSquid
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19 Replies
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I know that feeling. It's like I've gotten comfortable with it in a sick way and the thought of change is scary.
I’ve had times in my life when I felt OK. I realized that I didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t carrying around a load of anxiety and depression. I think there have been times when I sabotaged my own good times because I felt uncomfortable when things were going too well.
Thank you for sharing. I self sabotage right when I’m about to make a change for the better.
We love our habits, they keep us safe. Safe from the unknown.
You are aware of your stagnation and you are telling us. That means that you are still trying, and havent given up yet.
You dont have to work with everything everytime. But as long as you care enough to tell us, then i know you are still trying.
Thank you. Some days it’s really hard to try. This feels like a safe space to share those thoughts.
I get you u safe , I was like that at first I was so scared of change that I didn't want to take meds not till someone convinced me because u get so used to the feeling and the demon is telling u not to get help and to hang on but u got to fight it and not be scared of it. It is like a war on your mind and I won so you can overcome it trust
CallMeByYourSquid in reply to
It took me about 15 years to realize I will need to stay on meds to at least maintain a baseline. With nasty relapses in between.
in reply to CallMeByYourSquid
Oh damn. Can't imagine I been fighting a year and it feels like hell .... What do you mean a relapse were u addicted or something ?
CallMeByYourSquid in reply to
No. For me it means I stopped medication without weaning off of it first and it was a horribly painful experience of withdrawal symptoms. I was being stupid but was convinced meds didn’t help me which is a huge lie.
in reply to CallMeByYourSquid
Can you expand on the withdrawal symptoms I mean like what happened if u want to of course
CallMeByYourSquid in reply to
It felt like an exorcism looks.
Big ups I understand where you're coming from. It's like I make a change to find peace but then I am so used to there being some sort of demon in the way I interact that I feel as if I re-impose it back on myself. It can be discouraging, but I believe it is a gradual process that improves with time.
Lady Gaga said she needs her nonsense to have a creative mind, other artists have made that same claim too. Up to you
CallMeByYourSquid in reply to
Haha thank you. She’s a goddess.
I don’t think I’m an artist but it makes sense.
in reply to CallMeByYourSquid
We all have a "gift, gift's", always remember that and you already have been sharing your gift, gifts. Most of us don't even know and or get recognized for ours. Many artists, musicians, doctors, healers, friendships, on and on, are not a super star. Sometimes in our little fish bowl we get the recognition but most of the time, we don't. Can't be sad, can't be jaded, just have to be. I like Lady Gaga too, she's a hoot
Do what works best for you. Giving up hurts too.
Hi there,
I feel the same way sometimes. I think that’s perfectly normal reaction, if totally unwanted. We cling to the things that feel familiar, even if they keep us miserable. I think sometimes I also subconsciously worry because I believe that when I feel better, the fall back into anxiety/depression hurts that much more.
My brain also likes to develop rigid guidelines for itself and cling to patterns. I spend so much time worrying about what the “right” way for me to be thinking right now is, especially when trying to practice some new thing, such as mindfulness. I like to compare having anxiety to being extremely superstitious, because truly that’s what it feels like a lot of the time, for me anyway. You brain gets so caught up in “what if’s” and “am I really’s” that you feel uncomfortable even interjecting sometimes. Because making decisions for yourself feels so wrong when your brain tries to tell you what to do and you’re so used to following it.
Your brain is lying to you. You can’t trust your brain. I tell myself that sometimes, lol! It actually kinda cheers me up. Or at least, it makes me chuckle ruefully because I’m right. And sometimes, when I try to make my own choices and not give in, my brain makes me feel wrong, uncomfortable, even guilty or shameful, and that can spiral into more worry. That’s just what the anxious brain wants. And it’s really hard to tell your own brain “you are sick, and I need to stand up for us and take care of you until you’re better.”
Just keep trying your best, whatever that is, as uncomfortable as existence can be. The simple practice of struggling against your disease builds up over time and things start to change, very slowly. I’m sure if you look back on yourself a few years ago you’ll be able to identify areas in which you’ve improved by leaps and bounds, even if you’re afraid to acknowledge it. And things will continue to change, for the better. Just hang in there. It’s going to be okay.
Namaste, dude.
You speak my language. I agree completely with that cycle of feeling better but then knowing it won’t last long.
I’ve taught myself to love patterns (and to get so attached to them), any change feels like a betrayal.
It definitely feels closed to being paranoid.
I have ‘Inception’ like tricks to get out of a mind spiral that tend to work if you are someone who likes film references.
Thank you much for responding.
After many years of suffering joining this site was a big step for me.
Hey, I’m glad to hear that! Yeah, I get what you mean about it feeling like a betrayal. I think that’s why it helps to remind myself that I can’t trust my brain. I’m so used to taking everything my brain tells me as law, or as what “I” want, that it’s hard to even feel like I have permission to do otherwise. I mean, we’re one being not two, these thoughts are “our” thoughts, so how could they be ones we can’t trust? But, that’s actually exactly how the brain does lol.
I don’t have such an issue with panic attacks anymore, at least very rarely. Where I’m kind of sitting at right now is just a mild amount of constant overthinking and obsessive circular thought lol. It’s ironic - because it’s not crippling (just handicapping) I think I’m actually less inclined to take it seriously, or rather more inclined to being like “hey yeah, we’re pretty calm right now, I feel like I can trust that [insert obsessive thought here] is something we should be worrying about, yeah why not...” 🙄
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