I am looking at the different topics and questions on here and now im wondering if this is the right place for me? All the advice on trying to recover or at least how to healthy changes to ones diet, sound good to read - good sound reasonable advice. But if it was that easy surely we wouldnt all still be suffering and carrying on the way that we are? I wish i could read all the info and have it sink in enough. I know what I "should do" and I know what im doing is wrong. Ive got 2 small children and you would think that this alone would be reason enough to make me stop doing what I am doing (starving myself) but it hasnt. I feel huge amounts of guilt but i cant stop. my bmi is 15.5 and im 42 years old. I feel fat and i look fat and if i eat, I can literally see the fat coming back - making me look fatter.
I had a spell in hospital about 2 months ago. I had been starving and taking high fat burning pills for a long time until I got rushed to hospital because i couldnt stop being sick. it was terrible. as i sat on the floor in my nightgown, i was in so much pain all i could think about was what if i died there in the hospital and never got to see my babies again? I vowed Id get better. When I came home I chucked a shopping bag full of laxatives, slimming pills, slimming tea out. took me a month to be able to eat soup without my body rejecting it..but as i put on the weight, 4 pounds to be exact. I went straight back into panic mode and now am starving to lose it all and exercising at night in secret. I feel in hell. I saw my docter this week for a review of my meds, as i also have depression and borderline personality disorder and she is referring for a mental health assessment at a local hospital. Im getting worried about what i should and shouldnt divulge as i dont want to be hospitalised and taken away from the daughters.
Oh Spiritgirl, I really feel for you. It is so hard. The things we do to our bodies that are killing us are also the things that are keeping us alive, without them how do we go on?
I've tried to curb my purging and self harm after a scary incident 4 months ago but it doesn't stop my mind racing. My depression is crushing me, my anxiety levels are sky high and I am overwhelmed by the urge to cut or be sick, anything to turn it off. Daily I consider ringing the doctor and asking for help and daily I put it off. Like you what would I disclose? Fortunately I do not have children to think about, I cannot imagine the terror you are feeling. I worry enough because I have a job that really relies on the fact that I am a sane, suitable person and what will happen when they realize I'm not?!! Yet we owe it to ourselves and those who love us to try and get the help we need. I wouldn't ask my worst enemy to go through this.
You do need to talk to someone. Perhaps the assessment will generate this. In the past I have seen a psychologist and it did help although it would have helped a lot more if I'd been more honest with her. If you stress your desire to be treated as an outpatient they should take this into consideration. After all they are there to help you not cause you more distress. The problem is the length of the waiting list for help and how ill you are physically.
It is so unbelievably hard and all the good advice in the world doesn't take that away. You already know you have to eat. I already know I have to eat proper food and keep it down. However that knowledge is counter intuitive to everything we feel. Certainly for me my disordered eating habits are so entrenched - I've had then since before I was 13 and I'll be 40 in a few weeks I cannot see another way to live. Even when I'm not in a binge/purge cycle I graze on my binge food, I cannot deal with real food, proper meals. As a result I am stuck at a much higher weight than is healthy for me but I do empathize with your issues of body image. In the past I have lost a lot weight - my doctor, friends and family rejoiced - but I was terrified. I could not adjust to my new size, I hated all the attention, I was still bulimic and I felt so unsafe in my skin. As a result I shot back up to a place of safety. All of which is a rambling way of saying I really believe we must get to the root cause of our behaviour before we can give it up and to do that we need professional help. (Also means if I'm not a hypocrite I need to be making appointments for myself.)
This is such a long rambling reply and I'm not even sure if I've said anything of any use but please don't feel alone. There are others of us out there who are still searching for the path that will lead to recovery. Don't give up.x