Need help

[jfk71]

Hi I am new here. I feel so unwell,so weak,so cold,so done in. I know this is serious but just can't stop not eating. It started about May time when my depression kicked in really bad again after 3 years of being relatively OK,happy even. I didn't have an appetite at all and hardly ate up until my admission to hospital in June where I was diagnosed with severe depression and also physical exhaustion with highly elevated cortisol levels. I was beat,totally done in. On admission I was almost 12/stone ,fat and muscley if there is such a word ? I was rather mortified as hated being fat and struggled with body image and food for most of my life... Anyway I still didn't have hardly any appetite and figured oh well I will lose some of this disgusting blubber. So didn't bother with food much at all whilst in there.When discharged I still wasn't overly hungry so would eat fruit mainly, occasionally some weetabix. At first I didn't weigh myself but when I started I got so furious,disgusted and disappointed in myself if the scales didn't move( which they didn't at first). So I exercised more,started eating three nectarines s day, occasionally I would succumb to some ice cream but felt so worthless and gulity after it...well you know how it goes I guess. Almost six months later and I am mainly fizzy water, occasionally squash...for a month now. I don't feel like I can go on much longer. The rational part of me knows I need to start to eat but I can't , the fear of putting all this fat back on and all that weight, horrifies me more and that fear wins hands down. I feel so awful and so guilty about my sons( I take them on holiday tomorrow and somehow have to get through it feeling like this) I plucked up the courage in desperation and called some helplines.... Ffs closed on a week end. I know I won't call again. So in trouble....sorry for long post guys but so glad to be here and get it all out finally

[sjsa]

Please get yourself to your doctor. Tell them what you've been like and ask for help. Take care. Xx

[jfk71 in reply to sjsa]

I will try I know I need to but I don't want them to start ramming food into me. Its a total battle of rational vs anorexia mind. I don't want it to be anymore but I can't stop the battle xx

[Hidden]

Hello jfk71 Totally agree with sjsa ~ Depression is such a hypocritical disease ~ one minute (or year) you are "up", next you are "down". Outside looking in, I think you need to address this first. You will absolutely need to see your GP for this. Once you have addressed this (the Depression) ask for a referral to a counselor / therapist to discuss "liking yourself", only when you've done this, ask your doctor for a referral to a dietitian. Any time that you feel, you are wavering in inspiration~ please look at your children, (it might help you). The biggest gift in life is your health. Without that what have we got??? Hope you have a great holiday (pack an extra cardigan) You'll be"ok" you posted here, you've started ringing support lines (you sound like you are completely OVER this) now you know you are completely out of your depth and need direction. Hope this helped, somewhat. Good luck out there, ♡ Julie

[jfk71 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks...its not depression,its anorexia ....I have suffered on and off since I was 8 yrs old when my dad and brothers used to call me thunder thighs and plain Jane and the boys at school used to call me fat ugly nigger lover because my step dad was black....its the only thing I am good at and in control of. I know I need to be over it and want to be over it...but don't . Battles of the rational vs the anorexia voice in my head. Leaving soon for hold. Will make their time awesome with every bit of what I have left in me xx

[jfk71 in reply to Hidden]

Sorry meant t also say I know you can't really separate the two xxq

[Hidden]

That's just disgusting what those boys said to you Sometimes family have got no idea that their "ribbing/jokes" are actually not funny and are very hurtful. Please just forgive them, every other emotion (however justified) is wasted energy for you, you need your energy for you. Forgiveness, never, ever, means you agree with any injustice ~ it's all about recognizing the injustice, feeling how you feel, then giving that feeling back to where it came from. These revolting people are still hurting you, it's time to take your power back. Muscle weighs more than fat (as you know! ) You probably look great and just can't see it The anorexic mind that the is a very determined, intellectual mind, that's why youve got to keep seeking help.

[sjsa]

I totally agree with other replies. Anorexia and depression can be linked but they are different. Depression can result from anorexia and the other way round. No one will ram food into you. That's no good for either your body or your mind but what they will do is support you to get well. Think about having a meal with your children ....maybe just one a day. A normal sized breakfast maybe and move on from that. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step towards recovery. You've already started your journey by acknowledging your illness. Keep taking those small steps. Xx

[jfk71 in reply to sjsa]

The thought totally terrifies me. I had some carrot sticks and a half piece of dry toast so that I wouldnt kill us on the way here and the anguish and disgust is so intense I have constant panic attacks. Haven't stopped exercising . The boys are so excited to be here - I just feel so ill. I would like to think I will get to a doctor when I get home. I keep telling myself I just have to make this week the best for the boys . Thanks for your support xx

[AMP7 in reply to sjsa]

I totally agree. I have suffered with depression for over 20 years now and this has led directly to anorexia rather than the other way round.

I am 38 and this is the 1st time that I have felt so out of control of my life that I have starved myself and lost 16kg in 6 months. My current weight is 50kg. Anorexia has taken the place of cutting myself and is just a different form on self harm and punishment for me.

I am lucky, my husband is very supportive and literally hounded the Doctor, daily, until they referred me to a Psychiatric Hospital, where I'm being treated as an out-patient. Walking through those doors for the 1st time was the scariest thing I have EVER done (it terrified me and i almost turned back) but now I cannot wait for my next appointment as I feel safe in their hands. I took someone with me to my 1st and 2nd appointments, who knows my inner most thoughts, so I didn't have to do all the talking. That really helped as most of the time I was crying.

They haven't tried to force feed me or berate me for not eating. We're looking at medication to stabilise my mood 1st.