I have a problem

[Poppygail]

And it has to do with balance. Determining and maintaining a balance between rest and activity. You see. I'm finding that following a lot of activity, I'm now done for the day, if not several days. The tiredness that sets in now following what used to be a normal amount of activity almost always leads to a deep, dense fog that all but turns me into a potted plant. So, logically, I try to limit over exertion.

But, on the other hand, if I remain quiet for to long, without something occupying my mind, I can "feel" the curtain slowly being drawn across the consciousness of my mind. And there's nothing I can do about it other than watch the darkness grow. There is no switch within my reach to turn on the light or withdraw the curtain. I just simply have to wait it out. Sometimes I'm lost in this neverland for hours, sometimes days.

So what I'm beginning to realize that I'm doing is to make sure that I'm rarely idle. I find that I'm inventing things for myself to do no matter how much else I've done that day or how long I've been awake, anything to keep my mind occupied. Even to the point of exhaustion. And I can't seem to help it due to my intense desire not to watch that curtain be drawn

And therein lies my balance conundrum. When I am idle and begin to feel the dusk about to fall, every fiber of my being says, "Get up! Engage your mind while you still have one!" But I can't. I can only await the inevitable darkness. That's why whenever I sit for more than a few seconds, somewhere in the back of my mind, the idea begins to form that I must do something, anything. Just keep the lights on. This doesn't sound so bad, right? Thing is, I seem i to have little control over it. My desire to avoid the darkness overrides all reason and I continue pushing activities long past exhaustion. Even when only sleeping 2-3 hours per night. And this leads to.... you guessed it, the darkness I was so desperately trying to avoid. The monkey winds up dancing to the same organ music in either case.

There has to be a balance, one that will soothe my storm laden mind and allow some physical rest as well as cognitive clarity. Unfortunately, as of yet, I have been unable to attain it.

[PNIAuthor60]

Your description of your problem reminds me when I was in the throes of Chronic Fatigue in the beginning - doing the dishes was exhausting and frustrating and a nap was usually 6-7 hours of deep sleep. Back in the days when I had no relationship to my body and didn't know what it meant when someone would say "listen to your body."?

Even today when I am power-walking, I can't do it every day: walk one day, rest for another entire day.

Do you realize that you are already engaging your mind as you review your thoughts during those frantic times and have the ability to write them here?

I read this post several times and I want to ask but hesitate not wanting to upset you - what would it mean to embrace the darkness and not be afraid of it? I have found often that resistance often makes things worse. When within the darkness, are you aware/conscious of your thoughts - is there a form of self-talk that could be more soothing than the fear of the darkness that you struggle with now?

It is interesting to find this particular post this morning, as I woke up last night and early this morning off balance, physically - a new and hopefully, fleeting experience. I immediately picked up a pen and wrote in my journal and then picked up my text from my Chronic Pain course and began reviewing it so as to distract myself from destructive thoughts about what it all might mean.

I realize that you are not looking for answers but simply stating an experience, forgive me if anything I have written here is upsetting, that is definitely not my intention but your posts always give me food for deep thought.

[Poppygail Ambassador in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Author,

Nothing you have written has or could have upset me. I always value your opinion.

I hadn't felt that I feared the darkness, so your response, in that sense, surprised me. After reading my post a couple of times, I could see why you would make that leap. And in some ways, that may be true. But, in my mind, 😂, it's not fear, it's an intense dread or dislike. While there, my thoughts, indeed the very world around me, seem to be swimming in a pool of molasses. Everything is moving at a snails pace and many steps behind where it should be. My conscious thoughts are just as thick and, perhaps more importantly, fleeting. It is not a pleasant place to be. And it is one I will try to avoid at all costs.

I suppose if I do fear it, it is because I see tend to see these times as a window to my future. One I'm not looking forward to.

Randy

[jeffcobb Ambassador]

Randy; I held off replying for a bit because it would take very little for this to be a really dark thread. I know the feeling although the way you expressed it, in a sense of balance was very zen, dude. I saw the same thing (once I got past the rages when I learn how very little control I had over the fog spells) like it was a different kind of work week, requiring a vastly more flexible schedule. If I am "up" and not productive I can get depressed and if I try to throw myself at something complex while in a "down" phase, I can get really frustrated. Neither situation is cool so I thought about what I wanted or needed:

A. I need to feel like I accomplish things.

B. These things must be at or near the limit of my ability. IOW, no cruising. If I can swing for the fence, I swing for the fence.

C. At no time should the expectations be such where failure will almost assuredly happen.

Now taking that along with my main activities, I make sure I have complex things like documentaries to watch when I am able and cartoons for when I am not (or Hogans Heroes or something simple); I have full length novels to read when I am able and comics and manga for when I am not, I have complex jobs around but I also keep simple ones on my list so I can always feel like I am doing up to what I am able, but not kicking my own ass for not doing well or big things on my down periods. So sorta like your need to not be idle, this array of stuff makes sure I am never idle unless I absolutely need and want to be and I am always working to my best abilities, at any given moment. Best of all, I still can get a sense of accomplishment. On an up day, rewiring my hydro system feels like an accomplishment; on a down day, just sticking tap water into the thing feels the same way. I am learning to be "good" with both. Not always succeeding but I am trying. But I do always seem busy, even now with no job and basically no responsibilities other than not burn down the house, something I strive for each and every day.