A few days ago, someone I trust very much asked how I was doing that morning. Had this been most anyone else, they would have received the normal "fine", "good", etc..., just any placeholder to get through the monment. And that's because most people truly do care but just have to much going on in their own life to really understand mine. It's just too exhausting to try to explain the nuances of my twisty mind. But not this person. I knew she not only cared but actually wanted to know, to help. So ,I told the truth. I was in a deep, dense fog. The world was rushing about 5 steps ahead of me and I just couldn't keep up. It was as if when i turned my head my surroundings would slowly follow my vision in a syrup like progression. As I struggled to explain all this, the question came that has bothered me since, "How does that feel?" It took me aback for I hadn't truly thought much about it before then. And no matter how much thought I put into it now, I couldn't come up with a reasoned answer.
I realized I felt sluggish, drained, drunk, apathetic, bewildered, confused, crowded, alone, tingly, numb. All of these yet none of these. It was a jumbled mess of them all, each fighting minute to minute for dominance with none ever gaining complete control. I realized that with all that swirling around in my already flaky mind that I truly didn't know how I felt. And I certainly couldn't put it all into a coherent set of words to help someone who had never experienced this situation understand what it was like. I was living it and didn't understand, how could my ramblings come close to conveying all this to someone else.
As I thought about all this, I slowly began to understand that I couldn't. At least not verbally. It takes much to long to get thoughts from my mind to words on my tongue. And often, no matter how I try, when those words come out they are not the ones I intended. That's when I began forming this little piece of sunshine. If I really take my time and spend some real thought processes, I can eventually get something reasonably intelligible on the page. From this, I'm sure you can understand this "short" post required several long days to put together. It's just another part of "how it feels".
Part of what I'm trying to convey here is when you observe your affected LO's looking so confused, unable to articulate anything you would consider informative about their world, I would ask you to consider that they probably don't know what they're feeling either.