Good morning all and happy Christmas. I've pinched the first sentence below from something I read this week.
Our attention is powerful; it is the true gold of this world, which is why so much effort is made to capture it. The most wonderful thing we can do for anyone is to really listen to what they are saying and give comment purely on that.
I did a course many years ago, I think it was called Co Counselling. It was in a small town that we locals call the resting place of the hippies.
The first thing we were taught was how important it is to really listen to what other people are saying and not be thinking about what we are going to say to bring the attention back to ourselves. We were warned that it is so wonderful to have someone really listen to what you are saying that we could imagine we were in love with that person.
My friends here, I believe this is the secret to making people like you and the world a better and more caring place. Be interested in what others are saying, including on this forum at members times of need. I try hard to stick to this, but believe me it's not easy and I often end up talking about myself (Yawn).
Do you agree with what I'm saying about really listening to someone's problem and keeping the focus on them and not ourselves?
Also I think there's a saying that goes something like this:
If you listen you may learn something new, if you speak you are only repeating what you already know.
Have a lovely peaceful day.
Jean xxx
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jeanjeannie50
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You’re absolutely right Jean, both in the importance of really listening and the challenge of it, too. Although, judging from the quality of your replies on the forum, you seem to have got that skill mastered 😊
Love that , i once saw a sign that simply said,.... a friend is someone who asks how you are and then listens for the answer.That always sticks with me.
Thank you for the support and useful information over the years ❤
Happy Christmas to everyone ,and a happy and healthy New year ,Godbless xxxx
I agree Jeannie, it's so important to be a good listener, I do try to be, that's why my Husband calls me Agony Aunt, as people tend to ring me with their problems, I don't mind as like you if I can help I am happy. My very best wishes for Christmas & the New Year.
Yes I knew a friend that i wanted to tell them how much i was suffering with my heart. I wanted her to be sympathetic to me. She said tell me about it i am suffering too with backache. All self. Not willing to listen to you. Most people are like that. They dont want to know about your own problem.
Oh how true. I'm afraid I do tend to come back with something like "Oh yes I remember when" and I'm going to do it now. A few weeks a go when I had constant ectopics, I saw a new trainee GP who, as well as asking about the medical problem actually asked me how "I" was, how I was coping, what kind of support I had, even whether I could manage housework or had family and friends" I was absolutely astounded given the time restraints GPs are under. I think the last time I had a GP do that was when I was about 14 with a true, old fashioned family doctor.
I think she will make a fabulous GP but unfortunately and sadly, she will soon learn that she simply doesn't have the time. I think showing concern like that is born or bred in you, not all people have it and I'm pretty sure it's not even mentioned at Med school.
Very wise words. As a voluntary role I phone a gentleman once a week. He has family but often feels very alone. I've been listening to him for over 3 years now and it's a pleasure. I've learned so much since we started. Yes on occasion there are moments of silence, breathing spaces. I'm a chatter box and so I've learned a lot by keeping quiet.
This is a lovely post Jean! Thank you. I confess I sometimes have to go back and check my responses when I can see from others' that I didn't really 'Listen' properly. I'm so grateful for the listening ear of this group.
Happy Christmas, to you, Jean and let's hope that, despite the fears caused by the invasion of Ukraine and the energy price hikes, that the New Year turn out better than did 2022.
As always, everything you have said makes solid sense and was good to read. The Victorians coined the word empathy to describe it and goodness, as anyone who has read Dickens, Eliot or Hardy will recognise, those ever-so "courteous" and "gentlemanly" times most certainly lacked it. In its place, we now have "virtual" empathy, an impoverished digitised version of human connection that provides some comfort in times of need. We can be grateful for that!
Interestingly enough my AFib episodes have quite naturally ceased, not once but twice in recent weeks when someone (medical) has been FULLY engaged in conversation with ME, about ME and what makes me ME! Interesting, eh!!! 🤔 I’m 65 years old, but I t’s made me feel like a child who’s mother isn’t listening.
It’s the usual story; I live alone, family are all busy or far away , friends all have their own health issues and I have no one to really talk to in-depth. I think I’m suffering from some sort of attention deficit disorder! 😂
Bless you Dippy. I understand, as only a person who lives on their own can. I'm always here to listen. Just remind me gently, if the need arises, not to talk too much about myself. Say something like - Jean can you give me your full attention on this.
It's so important to have someone who will really listen to our fears, fun things and about life in general.
So, so true, a simple concept and yet like you say, so difficult to do at times. This is very similar to being genuinely empathic with someone ... to really listen and give our attention to how their experience really is, instead of being quick to assume, relate (when our experience might not actually be the same at all). It can be a natural urge to want to give advice, when what someone really wants is just for us to listen give our attention and express our understanding that we get their experience. Yet at other times, people do want advice or an update of their own experience. It's an ongoing work in progress.
hi jeanjeannie50 . I found your message both profound and very meaningful. It’s a very simple thing to do if you concentrate . Most people are just waiting “as you said” to bring the attention back to themselves. I have not considered this fact but now that I have I realise how selfish we are really.
Learning the skill of listening is an art and I shall be more aware of my actions in future.
yes,,,you are really on to something here,,,and I paid attention to every word you wrote,,the quote intrigued me and I read further,,,and I learned,,,I used to be a high school teacher and from age 21 when I started,,,I had to learn to listen to my students,,it did not come naturally,,,so many people never really hear you,,,they are there but just waiting to jump in and make it all about them,,,yes,they are needy,,,but we all have needs,,,you have to sense when someone needs to talk and you need to listen,,,you may have to learn to pay attention to this,,,and it will reward you with many fine relationships with people,,,,and now a few wishes,,for the people on this forum whom I enjoy over and over,,,may you find love,peace and hope in the coming year,2023,,,we all could use a big dose in the world we live in,,,be well!
Such wise writing Jean. I would go a step further. I did an counselling course some years ago, and another 'key' was not to try to solve another's problems. I had to learn (and it was hard) not to say you should do this or that, but to ask the person what would make you feel better about this? What would you like to happen? Do you think you could do this? Most of us are guilty of jumping in and telling people what to do but our solution may not be one that the other person can do or is happy with.
Mind you, if you talk to my daughters they will say I am such a laid-back grandmother I am almost falling over - I had so much interference with my two I vowed I would never visit the same on my daughters and I haven't, but I think they would have been happy with a bit more than I have given!
And a final thank you for advice you gave some time ago. My daughter recently had helicobacter pylori again and tried the gum you suggested - she was delighted that it worked. She normally had two take two or three different kinds of antibiotics as she is allergic to penicillin and was always really unwell with the combination. No side effects with the gum.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas - so pleased to hear you are feeling so much better!
Some handy tips from you there Irene, which I will do my best to remember.
I'm glad that the mastic gum helped your daughter's helicobacter pylori. Large doses of antibiotics didn't do anything for mine either - other than make me feel ill.
Christmas is not over for us yet, going to my youngest daughters house tonight for ham and leek pie. I guess she will also try and get us to eat some of the many cheeses she's bought.
I don't know about you, but the older I get the less I can eat.
Antibiotics have started to affect me too, I think I have become much more sensitive as I became older. Absolutely spot on about eating, we were hosting for 12 on Christmas Day and I sat down to a mouse portion - I couldn't face any more, I seem to feed on smells.
Happy New Year Jeannie … l love to hear myself talk! So yes … listening is far easier, polite and interesting. My New Year resolution will be to be consummately polite!
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