Hi all does anyone have have any friends who make light of afib awhile back whilst away for weekend with another couple had a few drinks and a bit of crack as we say in Ireland and next morning I went into bout of afib which always worries me immensely and I was told not to be negative in such a way as if to say I was imagining it and I braved through the rest of the day in afib without mentioning it again all I wanted to do was get back to my hotel room and lie down what's the best best way to deal with someone like this also if someone we know is ill they'll say things like now that's what real sickness is making me feel my afib is trivial it can be so annoying when people are this ignorant friends or not how would you deal with this
Trivial afib friends: Hi all does... - Atrial Fibrillati...
Trivial afib friends
Define crack, is it telling stories, spinning a yarn or something else? I don’t think it’s unusual for some people to be unsympathetic to other peoples ailments especially if there is no obvious visual element. I can even recall my ex GP once saying “what’s all the fuss about, your hearts not going to stop. If you value their friendship then I guess you just have to accept that they don’t share in your concerns about your health. The alternative is to say, goodbye.........
Crack is basically having a laugh thanks for your take
glad you cleared that up. ThanksPeople don't seem to understand A/Fib. You look all right so you must be all right.
It is so difficult and you are correct. The only people who understand are those of us who have it. I have learned not to say anything unless specifically asked and pretty well nobody, even family, ever do. Thank goodness for this forum and all the kindness here. It makes me feel better that it is not just me. Your body knows that there is something not quite right and it def takes the icing off the cake.
Just being with friends sounds good right now. We are in tier 4 here.
If I don't speak to you all before Sat may I wish you all a happier 2021 and better health.
Probably crack in this instance comes from Irish 'craic' meaning a good time gossiping, meeting up, laughing - in other words 'quare craic was had at the hooley'!!
I say it all the time .... I cracked up 😂 these are the three emojis that relate to having a 😆 😹 laugh. Lol= laugh 😆
Some people can’t deal with it and make light of other peoples illnesses both in the hope of cheering the sufferer up and also protecting themselves from having to grasp the emotional nettle of dealing with it . It’s very hurtful when that happens Tom but basically you will have to lower your expectations of them and take the steps you need to take care of yourself, or find more sympathetic friends
My own mother didn’t believe in any illness unless you had something to show for it! Just ‘not feeling well’ got me nearly a week in school with measles until the rash came out - I ended up being very ill! Following on in the family tradition I carried on teaching with chicken pox until spots appeared.....
Even worse are people who don’t trust you to get involved in anything in case your AF kicks in, so maybe keep the friends but be firm about feeling rubbish and needing a rest when absolutely necessary. Last time I had an episode of AF it was clear my husband was bored with the whole thing and as I didn’t feel terrible I carried on my day as planned but slowly and suddenly realised I was back in sinus. Unfortunately nobody who hasn’t had AF can understand the anxiety it causes even if physical symptoms are bearable so, sadly, sympathy is hard to come by 😕
Hi buffafly understanding would do me I'm not looking sympathy
I' m with Bob D here. With friends like that......
Serve him right if he develops something unpleasant and anxiety producing.
You talking about Mr Buff? To be fair he does get anxious when I am unwell but sometimes I suspect it is more like the anxiety caused by a car breaking down 😂 and my attitude after many years of PAF is somewhat the same. It was quite a relief when my cardiologist said there was no point in my going to A&E unless I was so ill I needed an immediate cardioversion. I know this happens to other people but thankfully not to me so far.
I think my husband gets more anxious than I do now when I go into afib! Part of it I suspect is because he cannot produce a solution. I have thought about not saying anything but the trips to the loo every 10 minutes at the beginning of an attack gives it away! At the moment he has enough on his plate with the extra work from my op not to mention having to struggle putting on my support stockings every morning. I can now move around with the walking frame well enough to wash up and do a little bit of cooking so we are slowly getting back to normal distribution of work. In the meantime the house looks a tip as he is not gifted in the housework department.
😂 but glad you are progressing well.
Thank you. Just got back from physio where I was introduced to the torture of a wobble board for the first time.!
Change your friends.
not so easy Bob. I have friends who are not at all sure about playing golf with me cos they know I have a heart problem. It is all very well saying that I am not going to collapse on them and as I am in a buggy I can always skip walking up to a green. I don't tell anyone that I am in A/F any more, except my husband sometimes when it gets too bad. Am in it pretty well all the time now so no point in saying anything. No one wants to be with someone who complains do they? If anyone asks how I am I normally say 'I'm OK'
I simply cannot function while in Afib. That is why I stay away from the triggers I know of. Exercise is not one of them. The highest heart rate I've seen is 145 while doing intervals on a stationary bike. I do not tell anyone of my AF past. Only my wife knows and she only worries when I show signs of distress. There is no way she could pick me up if I collapsed. I avoid that at all cost.
I usually find it’s these type of people who moan and groan the most when they have the slightest thing wrong with them. Wish they could strap on an af vest for half an hour and see what it’s really like, bet they wouldn’t be so quick to judge then.
Get some new friends I would say, these sound like fair weather ones. Hope you feel better now after your af episode.
I learned very early in my AF journey to keep everything to myself until I learned who my real friends were. Real friends are supportive without being interfering or judgmental, acquaintances need no information either to ooh and aaah over or, in your case and mine, to make light of this horrible condition.
Take Bob's advice and distance yourself from negative people.
I'm with BobD and Peony. I didn't get the impression you banged on about it when you reporter this - just that it happened and you wanted to look after yourself. Quite right too. No-one knows what AF is like till they have it!
No I didn't bang on about it i didn't want to be a killjoy but when you aren't well and really need to leave but don't it makes it very difficult i guess i was more concerned about their fun than my health i have learned from this episode singwell thanks
Hi John I wasn't looking sympathy I told my friends so that if anything happened that they would be aware and I wasn't going to bug them all night moaning just some understanding as I feel I would if the shoe was on the other foot thanks for reply
We are on same wavelength there finvola
I have to keep af to myself as my husband says “ are you playing up again, get over it “. He’s got toothache at the moment and boy do I know about it.
Gosh. I know people's tolerance levels are different and can also vary depending on what's happening in their lives. Do you have 'buddies' you can chat to instead? I do that with a couple of girlfriends if I feel my husband is getting over burdened. He's amazing usually so I know how incredibly lucky I am.
That's terrible. He sounds totally self centred. I hope his tooth ache is agonising .
Apart from my sister and husband no one else would know what I have or don't have. Seems to me that others like telling all about their ailments and not at all interested in what may be your problems. Suits me fine, I'm a bit of a loner and can't be bothered too much about these people. Take care.
The thing here Tomred is if you've never had anything wrong with you, there's no way you could possible understand what it's like to feel unwell.
I remember my mum aged 59 complaining of a pain when I was out shopping with her, I'd never heard her talking about any health complaints before then. Do you know what, I felt irritated that she had mentioned it! 9 Months later she was dead from cancer and I have to live with how little sympathy I showed her that day. Makes me weep to think about it now.
Until we actually have some health connected suffering we just don't understand what it feels like. It's not your friends fault that they offered little sympathy for you with your attack of AF, they just don't understand the seriousness of your condition and how it can make you feel poorly.
When young, myself and my friend used to wonder why old people talked about their health all the time, we certainly weren't going to be like that, but when we meet up now it's our main topic and we discuss our ailments. We actually laugh about it and remember our words from when we were younger and didn't understand.
I think your friends sound really uncaring, do you really like them? Or can you see that they really have no idea what it's like to have an ailment like AF?
Jean
My father had permanent AF and emphysema and I’m also ashamed that I didn’t sympathise even though I understood how unwell he was. I was brought up to be stoic so that’s what I expected of others - empathy is still a work in progress 😔
Hi Jeany I'm sorry to hear that happened with your mother maybe because I regard myself as a caring person I expect it of others the friends I speak off have there share of ailments and I'd never dream of telling them to stop been negative I would simply listen and advise if I could
I don’t think you need friends like that Tomred. If I was with friends who acted like that when I had an attack of AF, I know that would stress me out and make it worse, and I’d feel I was spoiling their fun. Like you, I hate making a fuss and try not to, but I feel your friends could’ve been a bit more caring.
Yes really upsetting when they have no sympathy when they know how it feels. Im always being told from my sister you need to get out more, i think your depressed . No its that i woke up with afib and went to bed with it. Woke up during the night, or couldnt go to sleep because of it. Thats why im taking a nap . Geezzzz.
I think people seem to think ah sure its only palpitations
Firstly as you know AF is not trivial so tell them how you feel, I go grey, sweaty and feel awful,I don’t want to speak, I sit still and wait for the AF to subside or that my pacemaker kicks in. Nobody is left in any doubt. Once over the episode I can make light of it but I joke about my sudden death and that seems to make folk think.For me my medication has had a major impact in that it has reduced my ability in many areas, so I make sure I tell folk what I can and cannot do.
Having been in health care I do make light of my condition, my colleagues used to ask me if I should be on duty I looked so ill but I worked on.......silly me I should have known better but my patients and department came first.
Look after number one first, be happy when you can but don’t hide your feelings
Not really a helpful input here but... I think your friends were being... unfriendly.
Mine if anything are the opposite very anxious for me and when I have afib wanting to help etc .
The unhelpful one usually is ... me!!! I personally get annoyed with myself for becoming afib focussed /obsessed during episodes.
My friends and family have been a huge support.
Yes, Tomred, I do understand. I have one good friend who didn't want me to become too obsessed with it and I do have a tendency to be like that. But I have two others who make light of it. I am not as close to these two and I would advise you to try to avoid going out with people who make light of your afib. Difficult I know if your partner is very friendly with them. One of my triggers is alcohol and fortunately I don't enjoy it as I used to do. Some in my walking group think I'm just being virtuous but two do understand and one has recently been diagnosed so, wow, her view has changed. Find new friends?
Families! I know all about that. I'm the eldest of nine lol
Hi Tomred, I’ve been in this position before and it’s really not nice! I don’t think it’s a case of changing your friends or trying to figure out how to get them to be more caring/empathetic. I think if there’s an occasion where it were to happen again, literally you’re in the driving seat, only you know how you’re feeling and what makes you feel better and more secure. Be firm, put yourself first and make your apologies and just leave to seek your safety. If you don’t ever hear from your friends again in terms of being invited to another social occasion, then I guess you will have your answer about the quality of their friendship, but at least you put yourself first and looked after yourself.
This is how i tell myself in future i am going to deal with it just state my case and leave they then can deal with it as they please no harm meant from my part
Hi Tomred,
Seems you're upset that these 'friends' didn't offer more support but I think the actual question is why you didn't show your self more support. By putting their feelings first you put yourself last. You don't need anyone else's permission or consent. If you want to go to your hotel room then you go. The best person to take care of you and your AF in this situation is you.
Separately, I don't do late nights or a few wines anymore. Guaranteed to lead to AF. I do brunch craic instead.
Be strong and go well
Lani
That is really hard and I empathise with you totally. It can really erode your self esteem. Before my heart problems, I lost the use of my legs and had emergency spinal surgery. This has restored my leg use but I have permanent mobility problems along with bladder/bowel. I had a range of responses from people. Those who were caring and empathetic and those who were not interested and you might as well be saying something banal like nice day today isn’t it whilst not waiting for an answer. Others who openly would sigh and roll eyes when I had difficulties especially at work. And a mum who would ignore anything was different to normal and has the attitude just get on with things as anything else is a sign of weakness.
I think that in my experience there is a mixture of reasons why people behave like this. For my mum, she had trouble expressing her emotions and has always kept pushing herself regardless and expects others to do the same. A lot of people have little understanding or experience of the condition themselves and how it impacts your life. So don’t relate to it at all. At work, I think for some I was just an inconvenience and at times an irritation that they had to think about my needs rather than just get on and do things when it was a very busy/stressful environment.
I had one friend who stopped seeing me and spending time with me. I was very hurt by this but a few years later she got in touch and apologised. She said that she had stopped seeing me because she found it too distressing to see me in pain and different to how I was. Especially as the cause was not my fault. She could not handle the emotions it provoked in herself and found it easier to not see me any more. She had realised how wrong and hurtful she had been. I welcomed her honesty and it helped me understand the complexity of human emotions!
I have come a long way in the last 10 years so when I started with heart problems i had a head start on humans.
What I found helpful was the following:
If someone is really difficult to be with because of how they are with you then limit the time you spend with them or don’t see them! A lot of negativity can really wear you down and be detrimental to your health.
Work on your response to others, deliberately be upbeat/ use of positive language. It helps create a bit of Teflon to their words/actions.
For the thought processes going on in your head; if I am finding it distressing at the time I do box breathing. Count 4 for breath in; hold 4; out for 4 and hold for 4. Repeat. It stimulates the calming side of the nervous system.
Use of meditation and mindfulness even for 10 mins each day helped. And I did a Breathworks course which was mindfulness for health/stress which linked this to thoughts and how we deal with the internal so we can respond differently or cope with our environment. We often cannot change people but we can change how we react/respond to them.
The lady who developed it is Vidyamala Burch.
breathworks-mindfulness.org...
You can get a workbook on Amazon or do a course. The website will list places doing the courses or I think they offer online.
I am sorry this is so long but I hope there may be something you can take away. The big game changer for me was the being able to change my thoughts/ response when behaviour of others may stay the same.
Good luck and stay well
I absolutely take my hat off to you, you sound amazing! puts my problems properly into perspective
'Thank you.
you call them friends!!!! If you needed to go and lie down you should have done. Please do not let ignorant people belittle you. I remember a nurse at a discussion group for people who had heart attacks (my husband) belittling a fib and I told him that he was ignorant of the condition and hoped he never felt like blacking out etc. They definitely do not understand the condition. take care x
Not keeping it to myself would make me feel panicky which can exacerbate things. Knowing that I’m around people who understand would be a great help, so either avoid meeting them, cut your own activities short and do what’s best for you at the time or change the terms of your friendship i.e. end it.
It's ok everyone, my youngest daughter has given us the solution, "Just try and forget about it." There don't you feel better now.
On holiday with her last year we shared a table with an elderly couple and the man casually commented that he had AF too. "Be like him," my daughter said to me later and just get on with your life. I wonder when my heart flips, I go dizzy, feel nauseous and fight to stay conscious whether this would be remotely possible, but then I mustn't make a fuss! The only time I can't keep up with her is when she walks extremely fast, I just get too breathless and besides that I like to enjoy the views!
I wonder if family and friends have an inbuilt desire not to hear that you feel unwell, because they themselves cannot cope with the stress of that news.
Jean
That inbuilt desire to not hear you’re unwell has a name: denial! And I don’t mean the river 😀
😆😅😂
Hi. I’m afraid that I don’t like the sound of your friends!It’s probably because there’s nothing that shows on us from the outside.
If any of them are sporty you could ask them to imagine that they have run (or something else) for so long, or so fast that they can’t go on and their heart’s thumping away .... and then it just stays like that with extra flapping thrown in!
Yes, I describe it like that to others.
I would get some new friends, they sound like idiots. When you have had heart issues and have been close to death it doesn't take a lot to kick off the anxiety and its completely understandable.
oh thats awful, I havent experienced that, but I do find that anyone who hasnt experienced it has absolutely NO IDEA how frightening it can feel, and that includes the medical staff! I have had people who say " oh, just palpitations, take a few deep breaths" its a mile away from nervous palpitations that can be calmed this way!
You said the key word; (Ignorant). I would let them know that’s exactly what they are. My own brother kinda had that attitude towards me, and he’s an idiot!😊
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