Need to take a break from many things for now while I figure out what I must do to move from my senior living environment and make changes in my life.. To me it's toxic, controlling, and a way in the US that shelves the elderly to keep us quiet, safe, and leading generally useless lives away from families that have their own lives and don't feel we are as useful as we once were. Families and caregivers seem to think we enjoy playing bingo and having little coloring and beading classes with cookies and juice. God! What an awful way to live as a senior. It's making me grumpy, depressed, and irritable. I never thought 74 would be like this.Take care everyone. irina1975
Taking a break .: Need to take a break... - Atrial Fibrillati...
Taking a break .
58 Replies
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You sound too active in your brain for Bingo and beads. 74 is too early to be institutionalised.
Try and see if you can find some other interests outside your living environment.
In the UK there are many opportunities to volunteer either in charitable works or as I saw yesterday in gardens. I am not sure if such a thing is possible where you are the USA is such a vast country.
I hope you can find a way as you only get one life and it is a shame to have it wasted by those who do not appreciate that you are not ready to vegitate.
Pete
in reply to pottypete1
You know before my knees got bad I volunteered at the Humane Society. Would like to pick that up again. I like all the animals but as I had some mobility problems they usually assigned me to the "Kitty Motel". It was a playroom where I worked at helping cats that had never been around other animals be less skittish and easier to place. I loved that room and a friend calls me the Cat Whisperer because cats who usually hide and can't be bothered would come sit on my lap-or drape themselves on my neck (as cats do!). Definitely not ready to vegetate or play Bingo. Or make bead bracelets. Duh!!
Oh Irina that sounds terrible - I would throw a few copies of Atal Gwande at those so called carers and meddlers!
Get out of there girl!
PS - have you ever read - The Hundred Year Old man who Jumped out of a Window - pretty much your scenario. I defy you not to laugh!
My husband is 84 and just thinking of retiring from work - which is in US. He volunteers for 3 organisations - RNLI as a volunteer guiding tours around the facility in our town - Exmouth, NCI - as committee member, trainer and watchman - they watch the coast for people in trouble - for instance a few weeks ago a man fell off a cliff and they were able to guide rescuers to the site and he sings in a choir which raises over £10k a year for local charities. He is my inspiration to live a fruitful and active life - giving is always more rewarding than receiving.
Much love xx
He sounds amazing and that book you mentioned is hilarious, I read it last year!
Terrific book and a brilliant film. Your husband sounds a live wire. My Dad was 93.& still living in his own house, attending his bridge club, film club, lunches out etc. 74 is very young to be parked in a 'senior's facility'!!! However possibly family feel it's a safe choice.
I'd not heard of The Hundred Year Old man who Jumped out of a Window and must look out for it.
It sounds better than the man here in Sussex who drove over Beachy Head in his mobility scooter shouting 'I've had enough'
in reply to seasider18
The poor man who drove off Beachy Head isn't funny, But your way of describing it cracked me up. And who knows? He did it his way and might have been a much happier end that spending his last year in a nursing home with bad to mediocre care. I had an aunt that died in 1990. Wasn't funny when it happened but now is a great family story. My daughter had fixed a chili dinner with Margaritas and everything for my aunt and uncle who were visiting, I was at work. Anyway my aunt was sitting at the dining table holding a Ritz cheese cracker in one hand and a Margarita in the other. My uncle spoke to her and when she didn't respond he tapped her shoulder and she fell over. She was dead in the chair. Didn't drop the cheese cracker or spill the Margarita. The ambulance came and took her to the ER but she had peacefully died at the table. What a nice way to go but my daughter still won't cook chili!!
seasider18 in reply to
We had a family legend on how my great-grandfather Felix was found dead at the foot of Salisbury Crags, a cliff in Holyrood Park in Edinburgh. I made contact on a Forum with someone whose ancestor had Felix as a witness at his wedding and had a descendent who married a family member. Turns out that she works in Registrar House in Edinburgh. She offered to get me copy of Felix’s death certificate and the Procurator Fiscals notes on his death. It says “felo de se” Fell on himself, in other words jumped. At one time suicides were not entitled to a religious funeral and were buried at a crossroads after midnight with a stake through their heart and their possessions were forfeited
The wrong story has been handed down by the family. It was Felix son of Felix who was found dead. As it was in 1931 all of my father’s family were old enough and should have known which Felix it was. Though I’m not sure how much family contact there was as my Grandfather was in the Army and served in South Africa and India so may have lost contact to a degree. He died when he was only 43 in 1906 so none of his kids really knew him. Certainly I have never met a relative from outside the immediate family.
People are very brave fighting to the end, I sometimes wonder if it is worth it when you have a stack of lethal drugs on hand. My Aunt was housebound with arthritis of the neck and spine and said that she would never go into a care home. She nodded to a dish on her mantelpiece and said when I am ready I will take my BIG PILL with some brandy. I asked where she got the pill and she said that she got it from someone in one of the organisations like Age Concern who supplied her with aids for the house but I can't remember which one. She was always my favourite relative and when I visited Edinburgh she was always my first port of call. I usually phoned to see if she needed anything taken to her. One day she asked for a bottle of brandy. I took it to her and asked if she was about to take her Big Pill. Not yet she said. She had used the last bottle when she had a cold.
One day I got a call from her other nephew to say that she was in hospital after having had a massive stroke, she died the next day. I asked him if she had told him about the Big Pill but he did not believe me but he said that she had been found lying on her bed fully dressed even hat and coat on after having phoned 999 and her front door had been left open.
So what do you think?
in reply to seasider18
Sending you a PM
in reply to CDreamer
No but plan to now you've recommended. I'm already a BIG fan of Atul Gawande because of you.
in reply to CDreamer
Hi CD. atul gawande is responsible for me looking at my situation. Thanks for turning me onti him Read my new thread "Response to taking a break" xx
Sometimes we all need a bit of time to work out what’s best for us and knowing what you do NOT want can be very helpful. You have been a great contributor to this forum irina and I’m sure that when you have decided what’s best for you and settled, you will be back, helping others with their problems. In the meantime, I hope things go well for you and that you find the right solution for you.....just make sure it has WiFi.....😉
Best wishes, John
in reply to
Thank you John. xx I'm seeingthe ight at the end of the tunnel!
fortunata in reply to
Irina, I think you’re smashing. Your posts always make me laugh and you seem as sharp as a pin. I’m 58 and my parents are 78. So you are younger than they are. You’ve got lots of spark in you and, I bet, years of life and laughter in you. X💖
in reply to fortunata
Thank you, fortunata. And I'm back. Even my senior living problems are resolving themselves. All of a sudden many changes for the better are in the wind. One problem as I perceived it here is that the same administrator has been in charge for 40 years here. He is 75).Today all the residents got a letter he is retiring at the end of the year. The letter also mentioned new changes planned. I once went to a seminar that spoke about staying in the same job too long-everything seems to stagnate. When I got back to my apt and saw the letter stuck in my door it was like a breath of fresh air. I wish him well though I have had my share of problems with him but, IMO, nobody needs to stay in the same job (and same duties) for 40 years. (Except Her Majesty but she doesn't stagnate, she moves with the times.) Things have been in a holding pattern here for too long. Thanks for listening to my rant. I am happy to be back and I missed reading the posts but cutting out a lot of outside "stuff" for a few weeks has been very therapeutic for me. I even cancelled and rescheduled doctor's appts to give myself a few weeks' break from my medical issues. Now ready to be back in the land of the living. Take care. irina
fortunata in reply to
Dear Irina, I’m delighted you’re feeling so much better. Isn’t it funny how we can read posts online from someone on a forum like this and so much of that person’s lovely character shines through in what they write.
I’ve been thinking about you for weeks and hoping you were okay and now I know.
I shall go about my day, happy in the knowledge that you’re feeling good about life again. 💐☺️
in reply to fortunata
xx
Up Irina and fly the coop , you are still young . There are so many more experiences out there for you xxxxx
Jean
Hi irina, I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in - and good for you, for saying enough is enough. I really hope you can indeed figure out how to make the changes that’ll mean you can live your life and feel properly alive.
As we know, people (including those who love us, with great intentions) can persuade us to go along with decisions based on whats meant to be for our good. I hope you can work out what really IS for your good 
We will certainly miss you on here while you take your break, and our thoughts will be with you - please do let us know how you get on. J xx
in reply to JaneFinn
I'm baaaaaaak!
JaneFinn in reply to
Woohoo! Welcome back!!!! 🎉 We’ve missed you and I’ve often wondered how you’re doing, Irina. I’ve been off myself (unintentionally - through illness and family stuff weighing me down - though I hope to gradually pick up reading and contributing on here again) I was alerted to your message and just wanted to welcome you back!
Very happy things are feeling a bit brighter xxx
Oh Irina you will be missed here! Your situation sounds intolerable, particularly for someone like yourself that has aspirations of living a fulfilling life. I wish you well in finding a solution (which I am sure you will!) Best wishes, Becky
Sorry to hear that Irena, but understand the need to sort out your future. Hang on to the fact that you do have one and it’s your right to chose the way you want to live it. Stay strong. Best wishes.
Hi Irina I hope you manage to make some arrangement to your benefit.
As we get older the realisation dawns that our time here is finite and we should use it well and not waste it doing things that make us feel miserable..
Go girl, seek out the things that make you happy
in reply to doodle68
Will do.😊
😂 Irina, you are only one year older than I am and I cannot imagine living in a 'senior care facility'! How did you get there? My daughter suggested we buy a flat in 'sheltered accommodation' ready for the day when we need it as my husband is 82 and I have a few health problems. I took fright at the words 'communal lounge' and 'buggy park' and promptly bought a flat just where I wanted it. It has a lift and an entryphone and a bathroom suitable for a wheelchair but that is as far as I feel I want to go.
I haven't read the other comments yet but looking forward to it.
in reply to Buffafly
You did the right thing. A friend suggested I move into senior living. He made it sound safe and great. I probably should have done better research and I might have realized it's not for me. I am getting out-will just take a while as I need to be sure my next move it right for me. There are people who love this communal living. Not me. I have always swum (swam?) upstream, danced to my own tune, and am VERY independent. This is not my cup of tea, I really don't fit in here. It's beautiful and my apt is lovely. But if you don't fit in it doesn'tmatter if you live in a palace.
You're too bright and perky to be in a care facility Irina. It sounds mind numbing, you must escape.
Do you want us to arrange an OAP AF Health Unlocked SAS/SEAL team to come over and get you out? We must have a few firefighters in the forum that could help too (would you like them to wear their uniforms?). While I think of it, if I ever need rescuing could I please have men in uniforms, doesn't matter if they're not theirs. I'll come and join you and work from the inside.
Psst - Don't tell anyone about this. Read and destroy
Big hug, my friend.
Jean
😂 Yes, also the hunky doctor CDreamer posted about, in case of injury......
in reply to jeanjeannie50
Good idea. But don't forget the Chippendales. (Used to be a group of hunky men famous for entertaining. They would strip and you could tuck dollar bills in their G-string before that was outlawed in bars by the law. Honest. Google it if you don't believe me. We're talking the 1970's.
jeanjeannie50 in reply to
Perhaps they could be dressed as firemen? All the other women where you are will pass out and then we can get you away. I think I saw the Chippendales on stage over here years ago, but it was all very tasteful dancing and stripping. My granddaughter arranged a hen night for a friend and I told her I'd seen the strippers they were going to see (years ago). Well it wasn't them and they were extremely coarse and rude. One of the girls was shocked at their behaviour and turned to her and said, did you say your grandmother has seen these and said they were good! We had a laugh about it later.
in reply to jeanjeannie50
I think you're right. The Chippendales were a class act and started the idea I think. All good-looking men and tasteful. Then second rated groups popped up and it went downhill from there. LOL
in reply to jeanjeannie50
Update. Kind of like straight Village People (don't forget the motorcycle guy!
Are you living in senior housing or assisted living? Im 65, so hoping my situation here with hubby and I living in rural home with all our animals lasts forever. But if one day I find myself alone, I always thought I would b happy in our local senior apartment complex. Good part is they are one level and only 4 apartments per building and rent is based on income. They have regular activities scheduled but no one is required to attend.
If moving isnt possible for you right now, I wonder if you could find some others who share the same thoughts as you? Maybe form your own group of people with common interests ? How about starting an " old crochety nurses club"!!! I would attend!😂💜
in reply to
Senior housing. It's supposed to be totally independent residents but as some people begin to need assisted living instead of making them move if their family wants to pay for private caregivers they can stay but it's still hard to mix such diversified levels of need peacefully. It's too much like a hospital setting. And the glassed in office we have to pass going in and out with staff watching everything reminds me of a very visible 'in control' hospital nursing station.
in reply to
Yes, I would feel the same. Our small town of about 5,000 is lucky that our senior apartments look more like duplexes, you can park in from of your apartment, looks more " normal", whatever that means, lol
in reply to
There are definitely 'personalities' here. My building is 8 stories. And there is a big parking lot. Some spaces are assigned. Some handicapped and some are handicapped for a limited time like an hour to unload groceries or whatever. There is one lady who everyone calls the "Mayor". She looks out her window with her binoculars and checks to see if anyone is parked where they don't belong or too long and calls the office to report it. People use a lot of unofficial nicknames here-usually not very complimentary. Don't know what mine is and not sure I want to! A sitcom writer would have a hard time making this stuff up. You gotta laugh.
in reply to
You might consider producing a reality show there😂 Most of the ones are with young hotties, we need a real reality show
in reply to
This is it. If I could write an uncensored version it would probably knock The Kardashians off the radar. (No, I don't watch them!!!)😆
in reply to
I dont watch them either. My grandaughters watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette, which looks lame. I used to watch The Biggest Loser, usually while eating ice cream!!!
in reply to
LOL
Hi Irina there are so many interesting suggestions and good humoured remarks here that at I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea for removing yourself from this situation. Just keep me posted as I'm only 6yrs behind you and looking for ideas when I move onwards and upwards in the near future!
Good luck with whatever you decide. 😀
Sorry to hear of your sad living environment Irina. I would never have guessed that from your posts on our forum. I am 84 but am lucky enough to go out every day to different activities that interest me .. computer courses.. crafting etc. but come home to be on my own. At least I am unrestricted in what I can do and when I can do it.
Your brain is too young for the "oldies" brigade. I truly hope you can find something perfect very very soon.
Look forward to hearing what solution you come to.
You are so right, Bingo is boring.
in reply to Enjoy
You hit the nail on the head. We should all remember your phrase "But come home to be on my own. At least I am unrestricted..."
Don't give your kids any of your money. Smile sweetly, buy them little treats, be very careful with powers of attorney and keep on mentioning legacies for dogs homes, new church windows and cruises round the world. Explain that the doctor has told you that you must take at least 4 holidays a year so you can learn new languages for the good of your brain. Have fun.
Hi Irina,
You gave me an insight into what I did not know about. I had imagined how nice it would be to have help and comfort as things became too challenging without burdening family. I began to see myself one day in such a facility as things get too hard for me to do alone, but you bring up an excellent thought to consider: the lack of freedom!!!! I now think it’s better to hire a nurse and stay at home because I would probably wouldn’t appreciate being told when to go to bed, when and what to eat, etc, yet.... I know that I would greatly appreciate having extra help when needed. You gave me a lot of thought.
You have your free-will Irina. If you can’t get help from family who may think you belong there, make an appointment for the attorney to come there to the facility. If you gave away your power of attorney, revoke it. It’s a simple piece of paper that needs signature with notary but a lawyer can come there and do that.
After you get the power of attorney revoked, make your own decisions about where you want to be. Keep your designated health power of attorney and other critical legalities because someone has to make decisions if you are not able to.
I read about a few seniors who got their own place and it seemed wonderful but then what happens when one gets too incapacitated...it’s back to square one.
Maybe there are better facilities you would like. See them advertised where the residents live very independently.
I read about a lady who lived on a cruise ship!
It’s hard to think about -Needing more help with day to day living but needing your freedom too. My cousin and husband are in their 80’s and enjoy camping in different states. They basically live in their RV and meet lovely people. Her husband is in Persistent A-AFib and conversions did not work. They love being in the RV in Florida and Arizona.
I’m searching for answers myself and you gave me a lot to think about.
I hope you get more freedoms.
in reply to Aprilbday
It's marketing. These places are big moneymakers-at least here in the US. As far as having to go to a higher level of care . I'm not doing that. I am working on an airtight legal document. If refusing that level of 'care' takes time off my life so be it. I did see a great youtube video about a lady who has lived 8 years on a very nice Crystal cruise ship. If I could afford it I would do that in a heartbeat. I also think of my own RV. Must have been a gypsy in a former life. Possessions are getting less and less important tome as I get older. They weigh us down in many ways.
Hi Irina. Please don't let "them" park you up, you are far to young and a very important member of this forum. i am a 71 male live on the coast in the UK. I recently had a small procedure which required an interview (post op) some of the questions were unbelievable, like....do you sleep in the afternoon? do you ever fall to sleep in a public place? my answer was, yes I do occasionally when I am on the beach. The questions went on and on and in a similar vane. Eventually, I stopped the interview and refused to answer any other silly questions, when I asked the nurse why she was asking these questions...she didn't know!!! Anyway, Irina keep going and don't let the xxxxxxxx grind you down. Good luck.
in reply to RoyM
Thank you, Roy. That's my new plan. All the positive posts really helped me. Also about answering nonsensical questions when no one can tell you why they are being asked has become a real annoyance to me and here's why. I believe in all areas of life we need to learn what we can and this can be accomplished by feedback so if it is really going to help I am normally happy to oblige. But over the years the hospital and the doctors I use here in Atlanta have an independent company that shoots out an evaluation questionnaire everytime I get care of any kind. It is a lengthy questionnaire about the quality of my services with lots of room for added comments. We're not talking about 5 quick yes or no questions. Until early this year I dutifully complied. Then one day a light bulb went off!. I never saw any changes based on my input, and, most aggravating I never got any feedback about ways my time and efforts were helping anyone. Also, these questionnaires usually arrived in my email box within i-2 days of the service. I barely had time after discharge before being bombarded with these emails. It also wasn't one questionnaire per hospitalization; it was one for every service, doctor, department ad nauseam that had a part in my treatment. So I wrote a letter to the CEO of the evaluating company explaining my concerns, my dismissal of questions I asked etc. and requested they stop bothering me with this nonsense. I no longer received any more questionnaires but now I'm getting emails to rejoin and give my input again as it's "so important for the quality of our patient care that we receive your input. You are a valued patient and we care about your concerns." Bull#$%@!!! Ranting is good. Now I feel better.😊 irina
Yes i do mean green side of the grass....which of course is the "right side as opposed to the "wrong" side lol. Roy x
Mum didn’t give up driving until aged 88, and only then because of botched cataract surgery. She still lives in her own home, where she and dad raised us 6 kids. She’s 95 now and everything is a massive effort for her, but she won’t give up her independence, and why should she? She says ‘When the good Lord calls I’m ready, otherwise I’m staying right here.’ She has never contemplated residential care for more than a nanosecond - it’s just not her. Handing over the reins is the same as giving up the way she sees it, and you’re never too old to stay in the game.
in reply to Corazona
Very well put and exactly how I feel. Jhope she continues to keep her independence. And when I make my move I will never move back into the system.
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