Need a kick - full of self-pity !!! x 0 x

Need a kick - full of self-pity !!! x 0 x

Good morning!

Sorry I am bleating again…..

Is it normal to feel this depressed? I feel awful as if a big cloud is above me. I am really trying to be positive, stopped smoking, drinking doing all the right things but I just have this horrible feeling in my stomach waiting for it to happen again. (I have parox AF happened about 8 times in 8 weeks with hr of 178bpm apx for 8 hours then self convert)

On a good note I have not had an episode in 14 days since I started my healthy lifestyle/stopped smoking and started 1.25mg Bisoprolol so maybe I am doing something right. Plus my Doctor has forwarded me to see Dr Matt Faye who is excellent by all accounts………….

I just feel so fed up and have cancelled a holiday as I just know I will be a pain in the a** with my miserable face – I just don’t know how I will feel happy again and positive for the future when it can strike again at any moment – I can’t even get excited about Christmas – Is it normal to feel this low – I can’t stop crying???

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry again I am such a Grinch!!

Sara x x x

15 Replies

  • Hi Sara

    I'm sorry you feel so bad - yes it is completely natural and most people will have gone through similar. I was numb with disbelief when the implications hit home; my life was very full on socially; physically and work. All aspects of my life have changed.

    I could have written a book of rage and self pity for most of the first year! Mostly I kept it and the crying to myself; I didn't figure it was the most attractive part of me and all my friends and family also had to have time adjust to the new me. You've had everything thrown at you. Keep telling yourself it is normal and ok to feel like this and seek whatever professional or personal help you can to help you cope. At some point you will start to accept it.

    Your sense of humour will help see you through as will the support of friends. It can help to keep pushing on with things even if your hearts not in it; try to do as many simple things that give you pleasure you've had a nasty shock; admirably dealing with smoking and drinking but probably need to find some replacement activities. Be as kind to yourself as you would be if it was your best friend and don't beat yourself up about how or what you should be doing. I want to give you the leg up you need to move forward but sometimes it just takes a bit of time to work it through for yourself but keep engaged and involved with your social group and us your virtual friends.

    I'm not one of those people that believe that my AF was a blessing but have found compensations in the better relationships that have come from it; when you've been very free; independent and self reliant it's a heck of a change to accept help; support and love but it is all around when you stop and accept it.

    Take care.


  • Thanks, Jo, for your reply. Helpful to all of us. I should type it up and hang on fridge.

  • Sara you are NOT a pain in the a*** at all. The mental affect of AF is understated by most doctors. I spent a good few years in committee trying to get people to understand this and things are improving slowly. Matt Fay (no e) is great bloke and I am sure will help you BUT you do need to help yourself. AF won't kill you . Fact. You life has changed . FACT. Will it ever be the same as it was before.? Probably not but life goes on and you will find ways to deal with your feelings. Treatments can and do improve quality of life (QOL). Look for the positive things in life.

    What you have started will have improve your life chances greatly and I am sure Matt will tell you that people with AF often live longer than those without since they do things to make for a healthier life style and cut down on many of the risks.

    You may need some short term chemical help for your anxiety but so what? Once you fully understand your condition (read all the fact sheets on AF Association Website) you will start to feel better.

    AF is along journey but you have some great a travelling companions here who have travelled quite a bit of it so far and know some of the route quiet well.

    Sound off as much as you want but please don't feel like giving up. My motto is "Live every day as your last as one day you will be right." Don't waste it!!


  • Sorry to hear that Sara. At one time when I couldn't get on top of my AF and I could hardly do anything, and getting nowhere with drugs or doctors, I got seriously fed up with it and pretty depressed. Everything just seemed pointless.

    I have met Matt Faye and if you're seeing him you couldn't be in better hands.

    The other thing is, I have also had some drugs which made me very, very depressed. Took myself off them, immediately came right again, put myself on again and downhill straight away, so went back to the doctor and insisted on a change. Funnily, that was only a particular brand of a drug that I am usually OK with, so there is a difference between brands (or batch) at least on this occasion. Just mentioning that in case it might be drug-induced.

    All the best.


  • It is true that occasionally a generic drug will differ enough from name brand to cause mood problems. Sometimes even a change in manufacturer will make a difference. Helpful to log your response and talk to prescriber. In the US, generics are allowed a range of difference from name brand, but claim to have identical response.

  • Glad to hear it's not just me. Propafenone affects my mind. The brand Arythmol, just affects my memory and sense of time. I took Arythmol for years and have done recently as well. The brand Accord however, sends me into deep depression within 48-72 hours. I don;t know whether it would have affected my memory. I had terrible trouble with the chemist at the surgery who said they were the same, but they clearly aren't, or at least the batch I had wasn't.


  • Sara, I am so glad you know that everyone here is here to listen. We understand how AF can play awful head games with us. It terrorizes us with the wondering of when it is going to hit us smack in the middle of living our normal life. I'm glad you are making healthy changes. Adding some meditation / yoga / mindfulness practices can be a great way of offsetting the sadness and anxiety. Mindfulness has been amazing for me, and teaches me to come back to this very moment and just appreciate feeling fabulous right now, to notice what every sense is feeling and just enjoy it. If the AF comes back I'll deal with it that day. I'm not going to allow it to steal a minute from this day because then it wins. Maybe finding a counselor to talk to right now might be helpful for you as well, but in the meantime, you can always talk to us. We hear you. Be well.

  • It's a big black cloud we get above us, and there's no sunshine and there's the feeling there never will be any sunshine ever again. The enjoyment of life is gone forever.

    Not so! The sun does shine again and I think most of us get onto an even keel and make significant progress.

    AF is very scary to start with and it takes a while to get to know how to treat the brand you have. There are many ways forward and it's a question of learning and adapting. The more AF you have, the less frightening it becomes, unless there's some real hiccup, and the better able we become at absorbing it into our lives. It's a big thing to start with but it learns to take more of a back seat as we gain control over it. And bingo, the blue sky comes back.

  • Hi , yes I was exactly the same this time last year when af struck me down similar amout of episodes , cardiologist put me on 5 mg of bisoprolol I wasn't interested in anything all the Christmas period good job I was off work , I had just had a grandchild too I had no exit ment in me at all , it was the Sunday before going back to work I halved the dose and that afternoon was outside making a log store , could be the meds ? , get out do some walking fresh air make some plans on how your going to tackle this , try and look forward , try to be positive , easly Said than done I no but its the only choice if you want to get through this , you'll feel better once you've seen an ep and got a plan on how there going to tackle this , chin up your doing all the rite things 😊😊

  • Basically, Yes is the answer to your question but only at the beginning, you will get over this feeling possibly not by Christmas this year but please believe me - it does lift this awful feeling of how am I going to cope. You just need to get your meds sorted, I hated the Bisoprolol even only 1.25 mgs it slowed me down, I felt so exhausted all the time, I thought I would never get off the sofa; it's the fear, its your heart, it is very scary.



  • BobD has given you, probably, the best advice anyone can give you! Many of us have travelled your way and now the route is so familiar that we can drive with our headlights off! Reminds me of a 70's song: "Keep doing what you do you gonna get next to (it-the AF) me!😀

  • To start with it is daunting for everyone - even for someone like me who at work was used to collecting masses of information and data, doing short and long term planning and organising. As I said in previous response try not to think of every possible outcome just two or three steps ahead. It also takes time for you to adjust and get your head around things - and there is a lot.

    Using a theoretical game as an analogy. You have been sleeping and living in the dark for a week in preparation for a jungle expedition. Then you are transported blindfolded into the middle of the jungle 10 miles from anywhere and two hours later your blindfold springs off. Then you are faced with sunlight which is very bright to you but in reality is much darker than normal. There are masses of trees and piles and piles of leaves (over 50 ) in the shape of hills. You know some supplies, information and tools are in the piles of leaves but don't know which ones. Some are near, some hundreds of metres away. What do you do. If you randomly just scatter a few of the leaves in piles the chances of finding your route are very small. The way forward is to systematically demolish one or two piles at a time that are in front of you, being thorough and collected and not worrying about the 10th or 20th pile ahead of you until you get closer to that point. Hope that makes sense.

    At times take a deep breath and relax - a long hot bath is also good for that I find.

  • Keep posting and getting things off your chest, we are quite happy to help if we can. I know where you are coming from, I got to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere, on holiday or anywhere else in case of an episode. So the strange thing was I was almost relieved when I went into persistent AF because in my eyes it couldn't get worse and I found myself arranging all sorts. Anticipating an episode is almost worse that experiencing it so I understand how up tight it makes you feel. Try to do things you enjoy to take your mind off things, spoil yourself and try to educate your family and friends so they understand what you are going through. AF is a long journey but you will get there in the end, good luck with your appointment.


  • Oh I do sympathise!! I felt exactly the same in the summer when after 2 years I started with pAF again. I really felt the world was coming to an end and nothing to look forward to. However despite five more episodes over the next four months I think it has now stabilised due to a change in drugs and a promise of a 'pill in the pocket' if my CT scan is okay, for when I have another! I think it is the awful feeling of helplessness and not being able to do anything about it that is the worse thing. I hate going to A & E and being told I am suffering from palpitations!! So cheer up things will improve despite the gin and tonics being off limits!!

  • Wow sounds like you cant get any lower , me I have not been excited by Christmas for years . In between being diagnosed and first DC cardio version

    felt foul and even more grumpy than normal. Picked up after c.v.

    I Had a weekend away little whike ago and on the Monday thought Id blown it and feel;ing down thinking Id be back to where I was . Wound up having a 2nd DC cardioversion a fortnight after the first.

    Learning not to worry about every blip and trying to read what the body is saying . Had an ECG this morning , and fitted with 24 hour monitor and guarding it with my llfe as the reckon Id be in for something like a 2 grand bill if I break it .

    Its a struggle at times stay positive and not everyone realises you can be up and down . i find reading and responding to posts is good therapy

    AF may change you life but do try not let it beat you down to a wreck.

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