This site has been a wonderful resource. One topic though, not covered much anywhere is cancer survivor guilt.
My PCa has been responding good to RT+Abiraterone+Lupron+Prednisone despite initial Dx of stage 4 w/a few PSMA/CT bone spots that did not get RT.
Seeing others not doing so well stirs up some survivor guilt. I handle it by realizing God's plans are complicated.
I also handle it by realizing that my Dad and his brothers who all had PCa hardly spoke about it. It was just part of aging life. They were all Believers in God too.
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Derf4223
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You're a sensitive fellow. I too, feel a bit of the survivor guilt you mentioned. Why others are hit harder than I, have passed at a young age, are struggling harder than I, yet I'm still here enjoying a relatively happy life with my Loving wife...
What's helpful to me is to remind myself that God knows all and He has a unique plan for each and every one of us. 🙂🙏
I do not know why I got this disease after doing the right things, never smoked, do not drink alcohol, low fat diet. Only God knows why and when my time is up I hope to accept it as his will.
My advise. If you avoid comparing yourself to others in any situation ... that alone will bring you much more peace. That is your Ego looking for something to be "not happy about"...
Comparing yourself to others can bring only envy, pride, guilt, depression, etc... nothing good comes out of it. Just accept things for what they are...
Everyone has its own life path with their own experiences which are not better or worst than yours, they just not yours.
I am nearly 9 years since my T4N1M1A diagnosis and I have got to know many men diagnosed after me but now dead . I have no idea why I am here still and could feel guilty as you say but I don’t . Why ? Because every day I live my life the best was I can , every single day , loving what I have now is all that matters not what was or what may be .
I would however feel guilty if I wasted a day , any day , because all those men who are no longer here would bite my arm off to still be here and able to love life .
So don’t feel guilty for living , just feel guilty if you ever waste life. I promise you at your end you won’t wish you spent more time being sad or guilty but you may wish you spent more time maxing out the good stuff whilst helping others whenever possible .
Honestly, everyone will just be really pleased that you are doing well.
No matter how bad things are for people they all feel better for hearing good stories about others. Just watch the news and see how good news lifts the spirits when it comes alongside all the bad stuff.
Keep sharing the good news and know that you have helped by providing a little uplift when people need it most.
You’ve had RP and you’re on ADT drugs! No need for any guilt there.
Of course even if you were on AS there’s no use for it. If your conscience bothers you, be of service. There is always much that can be done to help those less fortunate who have your disease.
IMHO, guilt should be reserved for those occasions when you intentionally harm someone else. Your actions have in no way been responsible for the misfortunes of others. Just good or bad luck....maybe someday we'll be wise enuf to know why 2 patients with apparently same extent of disease went down different paths..... maybe AI will help, but not holding my breath!!
Not a direct answer to your comment but related to survivorship generally. I am 75 now and as friends and family drop away I realize survivorship is not all seashells and balloons. I want to live but the adaptation to loss of friends, family, history, connections, dearness is real. There are fewer to love. The old joke about "Who wants to live to be 100? The woman or man who is 99!" has less meaning now. My guess is that at 99 that person will say "I had a good run, y'all take it from here." I sure would.
Yes, well said, the lifespan is in the high seventies, down from years ago. My grandmother lived to 96, mother lived to 95, no way I will make it. The way the world is I do not think I would want to make it to be that old. Have a comfortable retirement, IRA will last till 85 but will never see that. What is upsetting is the number of people in their 50's and early 60's getting this disease, they saved for a good retirement then not going to make it. Sucks.
I share your feelings. My best friend of 74 years (met him when he was 5) died after two years of prostate cancer. I have had it for 13 years and prior to that survived kidney cancer (one kidney removed) in 1989. I guess all I can do is appreciate that I am still here and live the best life I can.
I posted this because I was sure it was something a lot of folks here experience, perhaps not overtly consciously. It is the kind of underlying factor that creates ongoing stress and being open to discuss it is a big help and something this site excels at enabling.
For those like Tall_Allen who would wave it off like any other fatal disease, that is _not_ the case. Broadly speaking, there seem to be 2 kinds of fatal diseases -- those whose time to death is fairly predictable and inevitable, and those like PCa that are not.
This uncertainty is psychologically difficult in many ways.
I forgot to mention I have a wonderful wife of 33 years and counting, which is my primary will-to-live magnet. And God has had his angels save me from bad outcomes my whole life, PCa included. Latest example, I would never have learned in time I had PCa if it weren't for three ticks He sent to bite me in the groin. A month or 2-3 later it would probably have been a different story with my PSA doubling apace.
You bring up an interesting point. It also has two aspects. One would be feeling sorry for someone who has done worse than you, and the other is the guilt from doing better. The term zeitgeist comes to mind. That would be a third evil twin. And you are correct. All of these emotions need to be avoided. What do I do?
I try to scan the different posts on the site, and I look for a fellow brother, whose progress and experience is similar to mine. If I see that he has not considered some steps, decisions and events that have caused me pain, I then jump in. All I can do is tell him what happened to me and asked that he consider my experience. It’s the only way that I find that this disease makes any sense for me. 80% of the time I get no reply. But the remainder will engage in a dialogue that I believe may help them not step in the same potholes that still plague me. I find that when I do this I neither feel sorry for the person I am trying to help nor am I in any superior position over them. It’s also cathartic.
There are many men with disease progression far beyond my experience. What I try to do in these cases is learn from them. My “radio” is strictly on receive for these cases. There’s really nothing I can do for them and jumping in will just add pain.
…so that is what I do and what I have dedicated my life for. I have this disease so that in someway, my sons, my friends, and any stranger that I meet may benefit from it. I’ve had conversations with people on subjects that I never thought I would ever broach. I only wish that someone had so sat me down sooner. But that’s OK.
…so until the end comes in whatever manner it arrives we are never really as bad off or better than any brother in these chain of events. If we can find that balance, then we should avoid either sorrow for or guilt from our association.
Thanks for bringing this up. It seems like a small thing but it’s complicated. Rick
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