I have two boys in their 50s. Since my diagnosis I have been very upfront with them about my treatment. One calls every couple of days to check in and see how mom and I are and how my radiation treatment is going. After everything was confirmed he told my grand kids about my having cancer. The have been fine with it.
The other boy told his mom via text that he did not want to deal with the negativity of this issue. So in his case when I do call and talk I am always careful to not mention the cancer or the treatments. Kind of like walking on egg shells. So I sent him a short email just before Father’s day asking him if he wanted to talk about the situation. No response.
I do include him and my long distance friends in a weekly up while I have been going through the radiation and dealing with the side effects of that and Lupron. I try to keep these humorous and light with unusual things that happen during the week. Just sent out the last of these this week since I finished the radiation and discussed the “ Ringing of the Bell” and attached a photo.
So that is the brief background to my question.
How have you dealt with the problem of a family member who is in denial or not willing to address the “500 pound elephant” in the room?
Thanks!
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My family is fine with it. However my male friends don't like to talk about it, I think because it could happen to them. My female friends are super supportive and listen to my rants and updates. Occasionally going to appointments with me and will talk to me 24 hrs a day if I need it. Strange dynamic
I have a couple of friends wife's that either ask me about it or make their husband ask me. Otherwise I don't talk about it and nobody really asks anymore. Occasionally a friend will say something like "so is your cancer all taken care of" and I tell them no but not much more detail unless they keep asking which is very very rare. In general I appear very healthy to most people so I think they assume whatever is going on isn't very serious. My wife will ask about treatments and stuff but doesn't want to talk about worst case scenarios. I am hoping there is time for that when it becomes a forced issue. My son asks a question or two on rare occasions but I think as long as I keep beating him at pickleball and going for 3 hr bike rides he is also thinking it might not be that serious. All friends and family k ow I am open to questions and will discuss as much as they want so from her on out I will leave it up to them to ask.
I hate to say it, but your son sounds very immature for his age. He may have his own challenges but to say he doesn't want to deal with the negativity is to make it about him instead of you. I have 3 sons from 24 to 31 and they have all been super supportive and engaged. For my own reasons, I prefer not give them all of the details of my ED and incontinence because I guess I'm a bit emabarrassed about it. However, I have no doubt that they would be fine hearing it and would listen if I wanted to tell it all.
I hope your sone is ok and I wish you good luck on your journey.
To add another perspective, there are a lot of spiritual ideas that suggest focusing on the negative manifests the negative. Sounds like he is choosing to focus on the positive, so if you feel you need to share, focus on the positive aspects. My husband's family assumes he's cured because he hasn't died yet so they don't ask how he's doing and neither do our children. Don't take it personally; we all have to deal with things in our own way. And I know you're concerned about his health as well, but how he deals with that is also his own choice.
No I haven't but you can reconsider the whole relationship. That's just selfish. I hesitated about telling people about my cancer because it seems like a burden for them and indeed the vast majority of people pretend I never told them. No one in this majority asks how I'm doing but that's fine; that's their comfort zone, I guess. Everybody gets caught up in the details of their own life...
Telling people you're close to is the correct thing to do. I've never had anyone respond like that and if they did I'd take it as a bad sign.
My two sons became estranged from me shortly after diagnosis (14 years ago) I've tried to convince myself that there must have been some other reason, but that's the only explanation that makes sense.
So, I wouldn't push it - at least they're talking to you!
2 brother's razing havoc in a classroom and the teacher calls in the Mom to see for herself.
So the Mom is hiding in back of the room watchin the 2 raise caine.
Teacher says, now what to you say?
Mother offers son 1 some peanut brittle, son takes it and says thank you Mom.
Mother offers son 2 some peanut brittle, and the son 2 says "shove it"...
Teacher says So you can see there's definitely a difference between them, so what would be your response to son number 2? Mother replies, fuck him, I won't give him any.
That would be my advice in dealing with the marshmallow.
Son #2 is probably very fearful of dying/death. I tell people that PCa is not the worst thing to get.
1, in the vast majority of cases under treatment, it takes a long time to get really bad.
2, it is extremely lucrative and lots of treatments are available and in the works, so the name of the game is surviving until accessible treatments are available for your type of PCa.
3, leading up to, the goal of dying from something else (DFSE? -- acronym -- I just made up.)
I have two grown daughters and I only really discuss substantial changes with them or good news when I continue to remain stable, just to keep them updated. I do not speak with them that often and not about my health, though I do see my granddaughters every few weeks, who are my oldest daughter's children. She is a Pediatrician.
Ironically, my youngest daughter is more thoughtful about my health than my daughter who is a pediatrician. I agree with a bit of jmarsh's comments about immaturity but also the level of anxiety, that thoughts of a parent dying can provoke. For my oldest daughter, I believe it is based in anxiety and perhaps a lack of empathy that may indicate a mild version of Asperger's .
It is very hard to say what the motivation is but your son sounds worried about you and the more he hears about declines in your health and treatments, the more it upsets him. I would suggest only bringing up any health issues when there is a major change in your status or treatment. Perhaps, your daughter-in-law may be easier to talk to, so she can keep him appraised, as she sees fit.
My philosophy has evolved from one of feeling invisible and that my daughters didn't care to one of making the time I have with them as happy and enjoyable as possible. I ended up focusing on doing things together with them and stealing whatever time I can with them and their families in their busy lives.
It is hard to reconcile this unwillingness to discuss it with the love you feel for your children but it is also difficult for them to hear too much about it. Your parents are supposed to live to be at least 90! Lol.
The time we have remaining is precious, so enjoy it and focus on the positive as much as you can and spend time with the people you love. Your son may eventually come around when he's ready. My wife also sometimes "primes the pump" for news updates.
Hang in there. I am sure your son cares very much for you but cannot handle the thought of losing you, perhaps on top of his other day-to-day stressors he may be burdened with.
I have no idea why but my son is arriving tomorrow. My wife is having surgery in the AM so it will help to have an extra hand around just in case.
Just maybe we can break the ice between us. I will just play it by ear! I have no expectations but the fact that he is making a effort is great.
I need to get the guest house ready but other then that just simple meals. Wife is excited about his visit and you could tell her spirit was lifted which is a good thing.
Of equal concern are your boys in their 50s. I have two sons as well and I was upfront with them. I have had prostate cancer, my father had prostate cancer, and my grandfather had prostate cancer. So I told them that it’s highly likely that they will also fall into the same groove. I am planning to organize germ line testing for them to see if they carry the gene profile that exposes them to greater prostate cancer risk. I also will plan on early testing with them and have them rely on parametric MRIs, not digital rectal exams to determine if they have tumor growth. See Min 44:32 thru 46:52; genomics versus germ line testing – very good explanation of what both are…I have not had germ line testing, even though I should have…my Father had PCa, my Grandfather had it…so I need to know if I carry the gene, what genes I carry and how those affect my family and future treatment regime.
Also, the PSA value in which biopsies should be performed is far lower than 4.0. Anyone with a family history of prostate cancer that allows her PSA to reach 4.0 is doing so great hazard and under the care of incompetent medical practitioners. PSA in a man age 60 should not be more than 1.5 or 2.0. At that point you should pull the trigger and get MRIs and other invasive testing done. Do not wait for the PSA to reach 4.0 especially if you have a family history of prostate cancer. I only wish that I had known this. I would’ve avoided in an enormous amount of problems. My life would’ve been completely different right now. So make sure that your sons are aware of this. I will make darn sure mine are as well.
Maybe this can help with your sons as well. I have provided it to mine. This is my woulda-coulda-woulda list of things that, by some miracle if I had a chance to do over, I would. It’s so important that our sons do not make the same mistakes that we did. As I told my urologist of 10 years that failed to catch my prostate cancer when it occupied 1/3 of my glad , that there is absolutely no excuse today for cancer to escape the prostate. There is no excuse for a Dr or patient to allow this to happen. I think with careful monitoring and proactive testing, like the parametric, MRI, prostate cancer outside the gland should be a thing of the past. Catch it early, treat it early and have a great chance of recovery with good sexual function. These should be the goals of every new prostate cancer patient and the fathers of all sons is they mature and reach age.
Rich that was a great synopsis of the pod cast. In my case the best takeaway was do not wait till a PSA is 4.0. I totally agree that Early detection with early cure is key.
Right after I was diagnosed I informed the boys about the diagnosis and potential therapies.
My biological son had a PSA test done at his annual physical. It was well less than 1. Our adopted son has not said anything.
Years ago the kids gave my wife and I a 23 and me test for each of to us see the genetics of our background. I knew nothing of my father’s history and very little of my maternal grandparents background. Boy did the skeleton come rolling out of the closet on my mom’s side.
Due to an early divorce after WW 2 my biological father’ side of the family was totally unknown. I never had contact with them. My wife’s genetics history also was lost when her grandparents immigrated to the USA from Europe. They identified as Roman Catholics.
The 23 and Me results identified an Eastern European Jewish history in both my myself and my wife that we had no clue of.
After my diagnosis of PC I had a Germline test done because of that background and there was none of the 23 genes that they checked for on my side. However, that does not mean those genes had not been passed down from my wife’s side of our gene pool to our natural born son and my grandkids. Or that those genetic genes were in fact recessive in me and would pop up down the road. So I alerted our side of the family about that potential.
I doubt that my insurance would have covered the cost of parametric MRI's, absent an existing diagnosis of prostate cancer. I don't have a useful family history of PC. I find your disdain of DRE's to be troubling as it is an attitude that discourages a useful screening test. It was a suspicious DRE result that got me sent for a traditional biopsy and a Gleason 8 diagnosis. My PSA was only 2.7 at the time, which wouldn't have gotten me flagged for a biopsy. I am thankful for that DRE. In fact I insisted on it and badgered my new doctor to perform it at age 66. I had a very good doctor for many years prior to that who insisted on DRE's at every annual physical starting in my 40's.
It was correct for you to inform your sons of a condition that could affect them and something that they certainly should be screened for.
My daughter and son-in-law are aware of my situation as are my siblings. I don't have a son. I don't know about my grandchildren; I haven't shared with them. I very rarely talk about my condition and refrain from 'advertising' it. Some close friends know. Then again I am not immediately threatened. My condition is under control and not that bad. I am 73 and something else is likely to get me.
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