So like end of April, my mom told me my dad has stage 4 PC & it’s devasated me so badly that even looking at him makes me tear up. So I try and keep my distance. Which is bad but it’s hard. He doesn’t have lots of pain or seems to be struggling. He goes to work 6 days a week.
Yesterday was his first Provenage treatment & he went by himself which really upsets me. He’s never had chemo before. They started him on this bc I think something about hormones not responding or idk! The thing is he doesn’t know that I know about his cancer. My youngest brother who is 21 doesn’t know, and most of my family doesn’t. So I have nobody to talk to.
What should I do? I literally stay on google reading good and bad things and start crying. I love my dad and want him to be ok.
Written by
Kcam1
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Hi there. I know how you feel. It’s terrifying, but knowledge is power. I wish I had found this site years ago. My dad kept it from my two siblings until just a few years ago, so the worry and stress and all the appts fell to me. Most of that came from the fear of the unknown. The internet is the worst place to get info about prostate cancer. Right here is your best best. You’ll be a big help and support for him. Be brave and face things head on. He needs your strength and support. And you can get strength and support here, as I have. There are many experts here and daughters just like you and I.
I have two daughters who also were very concerned when I told them of my diagnosis. While the news is hard to hear for both the patient and family it’s important to talk openly about your feelings with your dad and for him to talk about his concerns.
The treatments for the disease are so much better that we can keep the beast at bay much better than the past and new treatments are being brought forward every year. Ask questions on this site, maybe go with your father to his treatments or oncologist. His life will change with side effects ( I know I hate the hot flashes) but the more active he can be and the more he can focus on leading a normal life it’ll help his outlook.
We all have our bad days but he’ll have more good than bad.
I’m sorry you’re facing this without support. If your mom swore you to secrecy, maybe you can revisit that. If that doesn’t work, look for a support group in your area, and keep active here.
I know you are scared. I have been stage IV for eight years. Don’t get lost in thinking you will lose your dad right away. With good care, he will be around for a while!
I'm stage 4 and was diagnosed a year ago. I try to look at my cancer as holding the blessing that, I KNOW my days are limited. Of course, that's the case for everyone. Every day is a blessing. Love your dad and enjoy every day. Nobody knows how many days they have left. This being said, the doctors have said that I have decades ahead of me with modern medicine. I try not to look for things that might refute them. Good luck and good health to you and your dad.
Google sucks. I Started there before finding this site. All the doom and gloom you find there is possible, but very rare. Most of us here are living with stage 4 pCa. Scared witless with first info and then dug in and started appropriate treatments. Sounds like he is just getting started, way to many beneficial treatments to list in this post. Most will work for him. I also stayed working full time with S-4 pCa. Been off 2 month now because of surgeries to repair old injuries. Planning to be around enough years yet to enjoy benefits of repairs. Keep your head up and stay with us here. It is OK to get overwhelmed and cry your eyes out when it gets to be too much. Happens to all of us sometimes, even when it's good news from test and just releasing built up stress from waiting for results. Good luck to you and your folks. Your mom will need you.
I think this forum is a great resource when it comes to prostate cancer. (Forget the rest of the internet) You have a lot of reasons to hope. There are many treatments for prostate cancer. There are many guys here with stage 4 prostate cancer that are doing great and will continue to do well. When my husband was diagnosed with a nasty form of prostate cancer.. I had to remember to focus on him living and not dying. (At first I cried and cried.. as the oncologist from Mayo said that we would only get 2 years) We have been blessed with great results from his treatment, I am hoping to get a lot more than 2 years but I know to enjoy every day. Lots of hugs and prayers for you.
Talk to your mom. Plead with her to talk to your dad. My daughter was also devastated. But she has became my partner researching various treatments and studies. I disagree that the internet is a bad place. Lots of info out there especially via the links you get on this site. My daughter comes with me to dr appointments and by being part of the team she feels empowered and we’ve grown closer. Time is a very precious thing. Especially in your dads situation. Don’t let another day go by wasting it. Make your mom understand. Show her this site. Tons of postings by daughters Just like you. Good luck. Lots of options out there. Start reading. Start on this site. Go back to older postings. Lots of great info and links to more.
Hi KCam, most of us here face this monster and having the support of my family,friends, and this Brotherhood makes all the difference in the world to me.
I have two Daughters that compete on a daily basis to claim the title of Daddy's little girl so me not letting them know would devistate them more then sharing their support. They are both grown, married with family of their own along with my oldest Son but always depended on their Daddy and still do so it is my mission in life to be here for them. Its just one Dad's opinion but I think the more who know the more information is received good bad or otherwise. My faith in God and prayers also help me so the more who know the more prayers I receive. Best of luck to our new Brother
(Your Daddy).
P.S. have him join this forum there is a wealth of information to experience here. Leo
See that just sharing a little bit of my story with you brought a smile to your face just imagine how your Daddy will feel seeing that smile. Best of luck Leo.
My Dad was also diagnosed with stage four. It’s very scary and overwhelming. For a variety of reasons, I’m the sibling that is most involved in my father’s care. And actually I’m happy that I’m able to do it. Knowledge is power . The more I know the more I can help. With the help of this forum and my own research, I’ve learned that the diagnosis does not need to be a death sentence. We’ve met with two of the top oncologists in the country and both were hopeful that the disease can be “managed”. This gave me hope that my 84 year old Dad will be around for a while!
Cancer ABCs has an online/telephone support group twice a month for both Cancer Thrivers and for their families. I suggest that you join us and hook up with others. We meet on the 2nd and 4th Thursdays of each month. To find out more about the group and how to join go to the Cancer ABCs web site at CancerABCs.org.
I’m a dad with Stage 4 and four daughters. I debated about telling them at first but my wife convinced me that this was a family matter and that they could handle the news and would be hurt deeply if I withheld it from them. They were taken aback at first, but recovered when they realized I wasn’t going to die on the spot. I shared with them the treatment plan and the MO’s opinion that I would likely be around for some time to come. Since then my cancer is an open book. I keep them up to date on doctor visits and treatments. They are my cheerleaders and support group. It takes a family to get you through this with maximum good humor and minimal fear and sorrow. Encourage your dad and mom to take full advantage of the support a family can provide.
It’s so scary for all concerned but you will be surprised how quickly the family will adapt to the news. The medications are so good and a recent post on this site calling all stage 4 fighters to post their journeys was very uplifting with some posting at 20+ years into their journey. It effects everyone differently I have 4 children, 1 likes to know all the information and 1 hates to even hear the word cancer, the other 2 act like it’s never happened. Perhaps your dad needs time to adjust to this in his own head as he’s scared before he tells everyone. It must be hard for you but I’m sure he will want to talk about it soon. 👍
Hi Kcam1. You have seen some really good advice about continuing to seek support for yourself, as you need it, and for the many benefits of being as open and up-front as possible among close family members when it it comes to talking about the new realities of your Dad's disease. I was diagnosed 4 1/2 years ago with Stage IV prostate cancer, and I'm glad I involved my two daughters in the their 40s from the outset. Yes, there were lots of mutual hugs and tears, particularly in the first year, but for us it was so much better than to even consider having to keep such emotions and caring feelings all bottled up inside.
You mentioned the Provenge treatment. It is not a chemo. Here's a link to how quickly the process is likely to go. Then on to whatever good treatments his medical oncologist or specialist may have for him.
Thank you for allowing us to participate slightly in the massive upheaval taking place right now in your family’s life. You and your dad will be thought about and prayed for in the weeks and months ahead. As a wife, not daughter, I can say that it has been wonderfully relieving and inspiring to be a part of this site.
Today, as I’ve written, my husband and I had a dental checkup for the first time since his Stage Four diagnosis two years ago. First, there was chemo/hormonal treatment, then lymphedema, etc. Our dental neglect has proven costly. Each of us is scheduled for a molar extraction, and me a crown replacement, all at a cost of another $4000 at least.
The reason I’m telling you about this is that I wrote an update for everyone at the dental office about my husband’s APC journey thus far. The result of my openness were hugs and expressions of concern and much love all around. (We’ve been with this dentist for decades.) I sincerely hope you will have a similar experience with your family sometime soon. Secrecy must be a trial.
Our dentist and a new hygienist I met for the first time today have close family members recently diagnosed with “our” disease. Both were interested in the Advanced Prostate Cancer site on Health Unlocked and wrote the necessary information down for their relative’s use. I also justly praised a number of our correspondents on Health Unlocked.
Extractions will not be fun nor will death from APC IF, not when, it happens. See? We’re still hoping for a miracle for all the fine men on this site. Can you imagine the Hallelujah Chorus of praise for God and science who, with combined intervention and dogged research, will make this hope a reality?!
There is joy in sharing information and correcting misinformation—and even being corrected ourselves. Tears and “hand holding” are permitted.
I believe that treatments detroy our teeth ,bones and just about everything else. Very important not to neglect our teeth. I spent much on crowns my year after treatments .. oouuchh!
You are right, Lulu. Thanks for understanding. I’ll chalk my sudden deterioration up to stress. So, what to do? Leswell has no choice about his extraction. (I have also had tooth #31 removed and do well without it.). But I need to be well for him, so I may postpone my extraction. I want to avoid the risk of bacteria floating around in my bloodstream. Plus, I have no pain—yet. Since there will be no implant just a fixed partial, why rush it? I think I’ll continue chewing for six more months. Then on to bread toast. Isn’t this interesting? Not HA. Mrs. S
For a while my husband didn't want anyone to know about his PCa. But I insisted on telling the kids. Then I let him know that it was hard having to keep it a secret from everyone. He finally agreed and let me tell close friends which had helped a lot. Also, use this support group as much as you need to. We're all here for you.
I wish him the best in fighting this bastard. My point of view:
Fourteen years ago when faced with metastatic prostate cancer, I went public and accepted so well wishes and prayers from all faiths. It's a positive feeling knowing that someone has put you on their Prayer Rolls or stuck a Paper Prayer roll in an alcove half way across the world. Showed that people really cared about me as a person with a dreaded disease. Embrace positivity and shun negativity, put your life in the hands of the Creator, and the best Medical Oncologist specializing in Advanced Prostate Cancer available. And above all, do not fear chemotherapy. Best results when the body is strong and the tumor burden minimal.
Gourd, the fact you have been fighting it so long is powerful!! I will be praying for you as well & it’s so true about the prayers! It feels great having that support.
It is all about quality of life ,compassion, and just giving your father support. Love can make things better in every way. Be there for him. Sorry that yoU too have some family members keeping secrets.. They are thinking Very old school about cancer. He has you . Forget about the family hiding stuff. That ain’t going to stop no time soon .. Take care of you and get rid of stress in your personal life.. After a bad cancer diagnosis myself 3yrsago I’ve had the time to see where I went wrong. My diet was not the greatest or the worst. I grew up With a chaotic mom . Always yelling and screaming at my dad and us four boys. Me being the youngest. I took on my moms ways of being dominant and verbally abusive. I never realy learned how to positively channel stress. That is is what I believe to be my culprit . I lead a self imposed life of stress , I could be explosive if things didn’t go my way . I always had to be in “Control” or so i thought. You ever hear “Don’t sweat the small stuff” ? Well, that s all that I ever did in life was to worry and take care of everybod6nexcept mt self.. Good luck with PAPa.
Lulu700, The above self-analysis and history of personal growth is riveting and very helpful. Your openness and attempt to get at the “root” problem (still fixed on teeth) is an “evolution” to emulate. Not intending to wave a red flag; I know some people don’t like that word.
How exactly to achieve such a combination of confession and redemption at an advanced age and given APC in a loved one is another question. Since my own mother (who mothered everyone she met) died a couple of years ago at a month from age 104, it would be a kindness on my part to leave her psyche alone and work on my own. Hello in Heaven, Mom.
Now I have some incipient ideas for a new post. Oh boy. Kcam1 and her father may “follow” if they’re up to it. Having just reread your grateful replies to everyone, Kcam1, I’d say your father is in great psychological shape with you at his side which, I’m betting, can’t help but increase his longevity. Retiring to think, fast (by which I mean starve), and deny myself every dietary enjoyment. Not? Mrs. S
P.S. We’re scheduled to go out with a friend this morning who is recovering from open-heart surgery May 29th. She will be 85 in July. The restaurant is Mexican. Maybe we can order an egg, avocado, and lemon juice in water à la Giselle Bündchen Brady. But they have this unctuous, mountainous spicy skillet dish with... Nevermind. Don’t ask. At least I’ll bring half of it home for supper.
To leswell, almost 104, outstanding, my mom is almost 91 and making it to that age to me is a miracle.. Your dad has you , this is our greatest gift in life. To have someone. ,anyone ,by our side throughout these trials. He is blessed to have you..To recieve a terminal dx is a blow to anyone. Love is the answer , suffering is part of the deal. I lived far away when my dad had his prostate removed. I saw him after , he was gaunt and frail. He lost hope and desire to live. Mom was divorcing him , then bam,, he checked out. , he had enough , he was only 71. I saw him one month before he died . I was coming to live near him and I ask3d him to hang in there. He could not , I came down to his funeral. No autopsy, had an asthma inhaler in his hand,mom was in Vegas with her new boyfriends family when dad passed. As kids we asked why are they together. A loveless marriage with 4 one witness it all. Dieing without love is a sad ending in my opinion, nothing worse . Give him your love, that what matters..... peace to your family.. Enjoy you father, make him laugh deter his thought from the APC syndrome. The good daughters are the ones there for their dads. God bless you and him.
17 years ago when I chose to share my husband’s prostate cancer diagnosis with our families everyone was calling and sharing their concern (saying their goodbyes) because they thought his death was eminent. Now they are getting older and many have their own medical concerns, care obligations, child rearing and demanding careers and really don’t have time.
Just found out three years after dx that my dear ol’ mom thought me soon dead back then upon my bad dx of 36months ..at that time she then pumped up,my life insurance from 18$ per month to 310 $ with a 100k payout upon my demise.her being the only benificiary, not my wife, only 1k for her.. 91yr old mom was betting to outlive me, her youngest son. her as the only benificiary . Not my wife . Stuck me from my what had been our family trust in which I held all control of both my assets and my mothers home that I poured blood sweat and tears into that place and have maintained and been the only one caring and providing for her for the past twenty years since pops shuffled off to buffalo ..wif3 did give me notice a few months ago that mom had changed things and most fortunate for us is we got my properties out of the trust with much protest and hemming and hawing to do it. Now we now why? Maybe because my wife wed me upon a bad dx. She didn’t care to give anything to a brand new wife. She will not change it back Thinking that I’m to die any day now. Thanks Mom! She has always been nuts but she’s reached new highs of devious behavior and has been losing it rapidly for the last 20 yrs. she somehow has forgotten that i gave one brother a house ,and bought the other out of his share..of any inheritance... now it all goes to peripheral friends, long lost relatives and people that my father and I have never even met . Moms always been a hoarder and a shut in with emotional problems . The way that I found her new will is that she had crashed into a 18yr old girl and landed her self in the hospital with shattered femor and some ribs. Totally her fault she was the violater and cited for failure to yield a left turn.No way anyone could take her keys or tell mom what to do .. Went to clean out the hoard and Wa La! There was her will .& trust . this is just about principal .. as soon as I went down with APC and tubes out of my kidnies and penis my own mom wrote me off.. I was checked as dead by my beloved mother that touts me as her rock .. can’t make this stuff up…didn’t see that one coming..
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Need advise for my dad recently diagnosed with prostate cancer 
dad has advanced prostate cancer 
My Dad's Metastatic Prostate Cancer Update
Anyone dealing with Small Cell Carcinoma as their prostate cancer?
