Everyone reacts differently to this diagnosis. I would talk to people I trust, although they have no knowledge about prostate cancer. It helped me (and my family) to look at statistics which show that by far most patients live longer than ten years as long as they have no bone metastases.
Well, OK, you have PCa. Did he have anything else to say about it? I guess you must have had a Gleason score and PSA at some point. If you care to share that info I am sure people here will have helpful suggestions.
My suggestion is this, before agreeing to ANY treatment you should learn and become very familiar with various treatment types. You need to fully understand the downsides of any contemplated treatment before deciding. You do have time to learn, a month or two means nothing.
In your learning you will hear contradictory opinions and get recommendations form people. They usually tout whatever they themselves did. This is because they know about whatever they did but not necessarily what might be right for you. This is why it is imperative to educate yourself. Only you knows what is right for you, not your doctors or anyone else.
A practical bit of advice....Get and keep a copy of EVERY test, scan report and cd copies of any imaging done. All you need do is to ask for them. This is invaluable both when getting second opinions and your own education. And ...get second opinions, especially on the biopsy.
Of specialist ? No one can argue against them . You follow their professional advice . At the same time go all out o your own healthy eating and daily exercise .. These will help rid stress .
It was a gut punch, for sure. I am the spouse, and it invades my every thought. The best moment of the day for me is when I first wake up, before I remember.
It colors everything. For instance, we need a new car. Hubby wants NEW and I cannot say no. But will I be left with payments and a significantly devalued car after two years if he dies? Can I say "die" to him? Do I just become the wife who always focuses on the cancer? If he wants to backstroke down that River of Denial, who am I to tell him to tread water a moment and think about me?
I'm afraid to bring things up. I'm aware that, if we need the house repaired *before* or the will redone *before*... he no longer has the emotional stamina to deal with these things and I need to step up. This damn cancer has already taken a piece of my husband.
I have to look at *after*. I feel so cruel to even go there. It's a place he cannot visit, so I visit alone.
I hate so much that I am getting used to "alone" while he is still right here with me.
I can see that you are very scared. I have no way of knowing your spouses situation but I can tell you that from personal experience, not all is doom and gloom. I have been at this for 13 years now. I am Gleason 4+5=9 with mets. It really does not affect my every day life and I plan on being around for years to come. I still work all week and today went flying for fun. My advise is to live as you always have lived and try to banish the fear.
Thank you. I do understand I need to keep my anxiety in check, but this was a thread asking for honest reactions so I gave one.
My husband has widely spread cancer - 20+ mets, including possibly the liver. I really hope the new treatments will buy him lots and lots of time, but if they don't, I need to be planful. Those feelings are not anxiety, but practicality - - with a huge dose of grief and betrayal thrown in because I am even thinking the thoughts, let alone acting on them.
If I am polishing up the will and cleaning out the crawl space, it's like saying "I don't believe you will live long." That's why he gets the new car, even though it's a terrible financial decision for us right now. It isn't just about me believing he'll be here 5 years to pay it off. It's also about him needing to see me believe. It's about semi-hiding those activities that make it seem like I don't believe. He isn't able to talk about any of it with me. He was diagnosed end of March and in the hospital for 3 weeks after that, so we're still just trying to get our head around things.
I'm sorry that I made it sound like all doom and gloom, because it's not. We are actually eating out more and doing all kinds of things, now that he's finally back on his feet. It's just that, out of the corner of my eye, I can always see this damn cancer sitting in the corner, watching us and laughing.
I love stories like yours. I come here every day to read them. It shuts the asshole in the corner up for a while.
We used to say 'you're in a pickle". Now we say "you're in a fucking pickle". You remind me of those jugglers who balance dishes on a long stick and everything is normal, then your husband get sick and someone hands you another stick to juggle more dishes with what was your free hand. How do you take care of business and at the same time give your husband hope that he will beat the bastard? Buying a new car with monthly payments can eventually be surrendered to the finance company any time during the life of the loan. Lose some money but not the end of world. If you can, try to convince him into buying a low end car. I don't know what he wants to spend but you can get a fully loaded Hyundai Kona small SUV for $31k, Great reviews and lots of goodies.
I've said this before, Men are big babies... women have it over us. We don't like talking about our health because it makes us feel like we're whining. You must take care of yourself and live.... Keep your mind off of that C word and look at every day as a gift. Try to laugh as much as you can... that's how I beat that little asshole sitting in the corner. Sorry if I offended you.... God Bless
p.s. I am a Libra, and Libra's are known for not choosing one way or the other, those scales are too well balance.... damn it.
Your honesty will serve you well . Holding things in is not good . Let it Our here. We’ve all Been there. It just part of the process. So close to a bad dx your head spins . How could this happen . You’ll go through the stages of lose. Dirt can be denial , sounds like some of that in his part . But he will accept . That the big one . Accepting our lot in life.. We all go through this .. 🙏
This is so sad . Why do us guys isolate ourselfs .,? Self loathing , I believe. Thank oh have my empathy . I know what you’re saying is true . You might need a support group. You must stay well through this storm . We know that our wifes and partners get the brunt of it . No fairness to this psychology. Hang in there . Things will improve with time .,,, Sorry . My back up is prayer . I pray the he sees the light and lightens up his spirits ., Take care 😩
Beautiful and true writing. I just read it to my wife. Her response is that it is accurate except she feels I am in some ways now the 'best of me' in terms of my emotional availability and actions.
Just the opposite for me. My first wife was the one to bury her head in the sand. I was the one to think ahead, what if? I think that is what caused the divorce. She just could not emphasize and face it all.
As you can see on page 9, since you have no metastases, your chances to live over five years from now are 100%. In the text they also mention on page 17: " According to the most recent data, 10- and 15-year relative survival rates are 99% and 94%, respectively." You are 80 years old now and have a 94% chance not to die from prostate cancer when you get 95 years old. Provided you have it treated according to the guidelines.
Your reaction bespeaks an unconscious preparedness. I think many of us know what’s coming after the official notification. Let me just say that after 6 months treatment I’m essentially free of cancer...zero, undetectable PSA or bone Mets after having my hip covered in boney metastatic scabs. I’m far from free and clear but I’m convinced I won’t be facing a death sentence for years to come. This disease has flaws and the research is fast closing in on a fatal blow.
As you maneuver through the system you’ll understand the treatment corridors you’re required to transit....if you want the good stuff. Because I was mid stage 4....not wheelchair bound or infirmed I was immediately offered Abiraterone with ADT....after a short course of bicalutamide. All worked optimally where I find myself today. I can’t say the ADT worked the magic or the supplemental ‘zytiga’ but something truly miraculous....from my perceived death sentence worked to extend my life...many have come further...years..even decades with similar SOC..standard of care interventions. It’s a die role...no pun intended...as to their successful bearing on your disease...but without doubt...worth the risk of a lucky boxcar. Best of luck.
ADT and zytiga are lifetime curses and blessings...unless you decline SOC or someone discovers a cure....I’ve been in treatment for roughly 7 and 5 months respectively....but many have been successfully reliant for years.....I’m explaining one early example of the SOC treatment outcomes....they can produce what appear to be miraculous....but these virtues can also be stunningly capricious which brings us all to where we all resort and rely.....our collective health unlocked experiences.
Doctor said Prostate cancer, I said what's a prostate? transplant maybe?
Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.
j-o-h-n Sunday 06/16/2019 11:29 PM DST
Your head will spin and real for a while. I was t-4 and was given 50/50 chance to survive my first round of treatments. I’m still here. Many including members of my own family wrote me off. You will find out in this process who is really there for you in this life . I’m lucky to have a loving patient wife . APC is hell for all involved. That said , there is much that you can do . Avoiding the abyss of depression and worthlessness is in your favor . I took myself and wife thru hell . I was angry. Why me ? Poor me? I was 53 now 58 ..First time I had been ill or faced with death. It took me three years to calm down a bit . Get him into a workout routine . He needs lots of oxygen flowing . Pc hates that. It loves anger and depression . They are in its favor . Depression and anger drive negative hormones that in my opinion feed our little friend . I wasn’t used to being a victim . Pc has slowed me but hasn’t killed me yet . We should plan a protracted battle if lucky lasting for 10 years or more. Don’t waste your initial year in the gloom and self loathing self pity that I did . Emotions will be raw . The calmer that h is are the better you’ll fare . Start a super healthy lifestyle and save him.It’s really up to us to do more for ourselves than the drs say . For us , we cut sugar and all processed food . Many members use lexipro , cymbalta and others with success . I’m avoiding more pharma . I use nutrients like Sam-e for moods . It’s really helped me . We all are going to have lows and bad days . Just don’t get stuck in our own misery for too long . Finding daily happiness is one goal , music , friends, comedy , hobbies what ever you love in life . Concentrate on that . The bad is always there. We must ignore it .. Things can always get better , or worse . A lot depends on our attitude . He is not done . You’re just beginning a new way of living . If I could do it , anyone can . One foot in front of the other . H can do this . ..Each of us with the similar dx can relate to where you are at now . I believe that he is going to be around for a long time . Make the most of it . Pluck the day and toss the worries aside they help you not . “ worry is like paying a debt that you don’t owe.” mark Twain ..,we all have it . Containing fear and worry will help you to heal . It will get better . what you’re going is pretty normal .. This too shall pass .. a new car cool anything to lift the spirits.😎
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