Tomorrow it will be eight months since I lost my darling husband to this horrible disease. I haven't been active here at all over the last number of months. I have been reading posts but somehow never had the energy to reply - I am sorry. I am hoping to be more active here again this year and hopefully I will not only be able to see how you are all doing and learn a lot from you guys but also be helpful at times by sharing from my own experience and knowledge.
So how have I been?
Well, over all I think I have been doing okay.
From May 2018 when my husband passed away until 15 October 2018 when I went on a trip to Malaysia to visit my brother there, it was very difficult. I didn't sleep well; I found eating, particularly preparing and having meals on my own, very difficult and lost some weight; I fought against feelings of pointlessness and hopelessness and depression. The way I have always coped with difficulty was to work as hard as possible; so, in this situation as well, I was doing an awful lot of work.
The trip to Malysia was a turning point. I think it was because over there where everything is so completely differen I didn't have much time to think of Paul and, what had become almost like an obsession, of the last night in hospital. And when I returned to Dublin, I found that I was more resilient; the tears still came and the low feelings still came but I found them to be more manageable somehow. I reduced my workload a little and spent more time with friends and with meditation and just generally self-care.
Coming up to Christmas I felt mostly numb. I remember walking around among all the happy people who were preparing for Christmas thinking, "Yes, that's them but not me this year".
I went to Germany for Christmas and New Year. And this two-week break was another turning point. Over there with my parents and my brother - who had joined us from Malysia as well - I felt of course sad and was thinking of and missing Paul a lot, but again the feelings were a little lighter, a little more bearable. And when I came back to Ireland, I really felt okay about things. As I said to many people over Christmas: I think for most part of my life now I can say that I have reached a point where missing Paul terribly and at the same time moving forward with my own life are no longer a contradiction. And yet, as I was sitting here yesterday and spent yet another lonely Sunday, I suddenly remembered our Christmas three years ago - our first Christmas in this home - and how happy we were and how cheerful and playful and how much laughter there was and how little knowledge, or at least thought of, what was to come and I couldn't stop crying for hours with a pain that I felt throughout my entire being, physical and emotional and mental and spiritual, thinking how unfair it was that we had only had such a short period of time together... But I think the difference to a couple of months ago is that now I know that no matter how absolutely dreadful it feels at the time, these feelings will pass. It is like we get pockets of intense pain, just as much as we can handle at the time, and then move on from that until the next one comes.
What I have been trying to do for months now is to bring Reiki into the cancer hospital where Paul was treated and where he passed away. I feel that if anything good can come of his death at all, it is that I can go into those hospitals and work with cancer patients. Reiki is very calming, relaxing and soothing, and it helps people who are faced with a very difficult, often terminal, diagnosis by reducing stress, anxiety, agitation, by improving sleep patterns, sometimes appetite, and in general the outlook on life. Unfortunately, I get nothing but silence from the hospital, apart from Paul's two consultants saying that they feel it would be great to offer Reiki to their patients. But I will keep fighting. At the moment I am waiting to hear back from Ray McDermott, Paul's main consultant in the last couple of years, who promised me to write back to me about the idea but of course he did not.
I have often been asked about my reasons for wanting to do this. Well, firstly I want to do it because I do know from my own experience with patients how helpful and effective Reiki as a complementary therapy is for cancer patients. Secondly, I am a very caring person and I kind of feel that now that Paul is no longer with me I could use the energy that I gave into caring for him to other people. Thirdly, I feel that I need to work somewhere where my work is really needed and I feel that particularly people nearing the end of their lives need to be able to use whatever tools are out there to maintain a good quality of life.
I don't know if this is a bit over the top and of course you don't have to read my letter to Professor Armstrong, the director of St. Luke's Hospital, which I wrote months ago and, needless to say, except for a short letter expressing his condolences I haven't heard back from him. I will post the letter in a different post and I will simply call it "Letter To Professor Armstrong". See what you think and I am very happy about any feedback. I will be sending this letter again and again, maybe even to the minister for health if necessary.
Love and hugs to all of you, stay strong and do everything you can and need to do to stay with us for as long as possible and with as good a quality of life as possible!
Mel.
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MelaniePaul
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Hello Melanie. I read this post entirely and I applaud you for the direction that you are taking. I lost my brother in 10/2017 and while the emotional pain ebbs and flows, the loss is still horrendous. I went off of this blog for a while, am back, because I wanted to see how everyone was doing. Your post is inspiring as you are surviving and contributing. Good for you. Be well.
I never had the opportunity to learn about your dear husband except through this post. I pray that you continue to heal, in your own time, and that, when the time comes, my loving wife will find ways to heal, as well.
brava to you, Mel, for being willing to help others while you deal with your loss and grief--if one of our jobs is to try to make the world a better place (and I believe it is) you are certainly doing your job! good luck with your efforts
Maybe you can offer your Reiki services independently, not in a hospital. Maybe contact hospice organizations or your local ministers or the municipal council on aging. There may be other ways for you to reach people who could benefit from your care and healing.
Hello Melanie, I’m glad you wrote to let us know how you are doing. Your insight and experience means a lot. I can’t imagine how it is for you but can only say you are amongst friends. Grieving takes time and is personal for each of us. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do. Take care of yourself. Charline
Hi Mel! Happy to hear from you. Your post is an inspiration, not only to those still fighting the beast but also to those of us left behind to wonder what now? Actually after reading your post yesterday I committed to volunteering with an organization for organ donation. One of our granddaughters is a liver transplant survivor of 6 years. She is a spunky, happy 10 year old now and brought her Grandpa much joy. I will be moving to the Orlando area this year to be closer to family and once settled I will look for an organization helping pCa patients - if there is such a group. Thank you for your post and hope to hear more from you as you press forward! Lonni
Great to hear how you are coping and my wishes that each new day brings more strength and better memories. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.
A touching post. I was once in the funeral business. The title of a required college course was "The Psychology of Grief". It is said that on average, one will remember a loved one who has passed about 100,000 times before the pain lessens. Oh yes, bereavement is painful both mentally and physically.
For you to now offer your help to others with this disease is not only a show of courage and will but shows what a beautiful spirit you have. I commend you. I don't know if I could be as strong as you over the time.
Thank you very much for this post - I found it very informative. My main objective is to make things as easy for my wife to handle after I die as possible. The physical, financial and legal parts are fairly straightforward and are in as good a shape as I can get them. It's the emotional part that is tough for me to know how to prepare for her - making sure she has support groups and that she has the resources to help her through. Your post is a big, big help. I will copy it and put it in the "Helpful Hints" folder I'm preparing. God bless you and continue to give you strength.
We love you Melanie, I’m elated to hear from you.. Thanks
Well Melanie, you succeeded in making me cry and I'm the guy who loves humor. You brought back memories of all of my family members who have passed on. As you well know you never get over losing a loved one. They say "time heals all wounds" but they never mention the scars that remain. Paul is in place where all is pain and anxiety is gone and his only concerns are: Do his wings fit properly and is in tune playing his Harp? Thank you for keeping in touch with us and God Bless You and Keep You Well..
So nice to hear from you again Mel. The holidays were very hard for me for several years. I spent too much money on the kids for Christmas. But will do the same next year. Today happens to be my wife's birthday. Will check out her facebook page later. A few people always remember after all these years. Also nice to hear from Sheri, Lonni and Annette. And Debbie and all the others who have lost loved ones, I hope you are all doing well. Nalakrat's Patient Advocate advice sounds like such a good thing. Reiki may be too much for the powers that be. Recognize the things you can change and the the things you can't. You don't have to find happiness, it's all around you. Along with all of us cranky prostate cancer patients don't forget to have some kids in your life. (Except them damned teenagers.) My granddaughter is 12 years old. The clock is ticking.
*8 months , seems like just the other day. Followed your posts all through my low points. At his passing I was an invalid from chemo. and his passing hit me hard. I am now in remission and wonder how long the new normal will last. loved your posts and glad to see you back. Best of luck with your 'new normal' life. It's not easy. Doug
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