Extreme anger and mood swings

Hi Everyone,

I read something that "it's....back" wrote on Jackie's post....about the caregivers and their mens mood swings which started me writing this..............I am under so much stress due to lgs anger, dislike for me, mood swings etc. I don't even know why I'm writing about it because it doesn't help anyone but me I guess...by getting it out. What does one do when the one you love can't stand you most of the time and it takes weeks or months for the real lg to emerge and then act like nothing is wrong. I'm tired and depressed. He won't see anyone for this because he only see's his anger for me. He doesn't think anything is wrong. All he thinks is that I am the devil practically and I have done nothing but try to help him and love him and care for him. I can do no right. Everything has become much worse since the Xtandi. His mood's have become much worse since the Xtandi. I have started to stay at my son's 2 nights a week to get a break. Thank you all for listening. I apologize for my venting.

My thoughts, prayers and or good wishes for each of you.

♡ Jackie

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95 Replies

  • Jackie,

    Your friends here know how dedicated you are. I think inside LG does too. When my dad was terribly ill (not cancer but ultimately terminal), he had similar mood swings and lashings out. It was very difficult on my mom. I think one way she got through it was rationalizing that the anger was really about the disease and lost opportunities. Those of us who are ill can sink into terrible funks. It's unfortunate that the anger gets directed at those closest to us. If it's at all possible that that's what's happening with LG, I hope you can find solace in the idea that he loves you, and this illness is breaking his heart over what it does to both of you. I guess that doesn't meN he will change, but I hope the idea helps.


  • Yost,

    When I was 17, my Dad died from a brain tumor. it was inoperable. I had a younger brother who was my dads favorite. When I refused to drive my punk brother to hang with his punk ass druggy friends, my Dad drove him. When he got home my Dad was about freaking out. You see, he was not able to do it. He was numb. I had a fight in the middle of the road with my Dad. I wouldn't support my druggy brother.

  • :(

  • Yes it helps Yost. Thank you so much. I hope you are feeling well.



  • Hi Jackie, I am Joe's wife Sue, I completely understand what you are going through. I am experiencing the same situation. It is very difficult to accept how I am treated. I am accused of not caring. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be tolerating the home life. Sorry for venting, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

  • Thank you Joe and Sue ;)

  • Hi Jackie, I am guilty of this I am afraid like in the past few days when I have pain, and she wants to go to the movies and I am not up for it. It is very difficult to be the caregiver for someone with debilitating cancer, I will work more toward being nicer all the time.

  • From what I have seen with myself and others, real change within one's self comes slow and hard. So... be nicer at least SOME each day; then nicer even more often each day; then, ultimately, be nicer all the time. Good luck!

  • My pain is mostly gone in the past few days , not sure if it was a result of chemo, sitting in a chair or what it was, but I feel better. I was sure it was a cancer flare from chemo, and that was it

  • Like like like Dan ;)

  • I'm so sorry you hurt Dan :(

    That's so nice that you'll try to be a little more kind through your pain.



  • Jackie ,Thank you, It is one of the things in having metastatic to bone prostate Cancer , every time we have pain we think it is the cancer coming for us, only to have the pain go away through whatever means, I am feeling well, I hope the rest of chemo goes like this

  • I can't imagine Dan. I'm so sorry. I too hope the rest of your chemo goes well and you feel good or okay throughout. Healing hugs.

  • As you know Dan I was Dxd with metastatic PCa. No radio feasible as too many mets. Immediately also chemo not poss. After 10 months then chemo. Great. I do mean great so chemo x 10 cycles. No probs. 5 months no meds then Zytiga. Wow. PSa down thru 0.58 from 26.6 to now 0.06. Love your chemo. Enjoy your life. Major drop 1st 2 weeks. Almost unreadable now. Time will tell.

    Next results 13/14 March.

  • Wow, that is a great response, A complete response really, I hope it is durable for you. I can only hope, I have anything close to that, I have never had a psa lower than 3 , but I did start at 148 a decade ago. Mine spiked up to 90 from 65 in last 10 days before I started chemo, when I was getting scans ect. I may have had a flare. I was a little afraid to ask what it was last week as my local Oncologist was out and I saw the NP, She will prob post to my portal this week, but sometimes I think I should ignore it, but that is no way to be in the fight. I went skiing today, It was so awesome and felt so good to be out there with such good conditions on a nice day.

  • I am confessing to having been the worst sort of patient yesterday. Like many of us it's been a long time coming and overwhelmed me ...I kept digging to provoke a response. It was caused by me being very low with jaw and toothache and a stinking head and chest cold not my PCa which at present is great. We are back talking sensibly Shelagh is great. So my apologies to all carers I hate myself for being out of order. David

  • You described what it feels like from the other side -- like my husband is just digging and digging to provoke. If I fight with him, then he as "right" to be mad at me. So, I really really try not to engage, to just nod along or walk away if I need to. The hard part with him is that he's not in any real pain right now. He's stable and doing well (freakishly health) - except for Stage IV cancer that will kill him.

  • I am in your husbands shoes almost exactly, and you are in my wife's....Incredible how many of theses comments from others Mirror our daily existence..I myself battle daily with these strong feelings of frustration and getting mad at myself for not functioning in any respect like I used to . Treatments ,drugs,loss of strength in just about every form including cognitive skills, all of this is Scary to me as a man not being able to function without testosterone.Fear can promote anger, and the twisted reality is taking it out on the one you love, the one sticking by you no matter what.when we do that we are destroying ourself and any hope of happiness. what you said about not engaging ,yes even to walk away. Hope my wife will do this after reading your story.Because their can be no winner in cruelty to a loved one..Sometimes I yell out arguments at my wife ,like I have terets syndrome, very loud and threatening, for no good reason, usuallyabout nothingat all.I must change now.Anger like this could even cause stroke ,heart disease for us men or even transfer into you our wife's. We as men can lose muscle,thinking abilities, everything that made us feel like a man before..what we are in danger in losing with our behavior is life itself for us and our spouses as well ......I'm intent on stopping my behavior.If I can't on my own , Ill get help . If I take time to look at my actions I can change if I let go or that macho male ego and realize that the true mark of a real man is the kindness and love he shows his wife.With out this we are nothing.any guys reading this if you have this problem which seams to be very common.Treat her with love and stop hurting her.You are hurting yourself as well as her.Lets see if I can follow my own advice.Ill pray for you two also..

  • Long term of this takes away us even caring anymore. It takes away us wanting to help. It takes away us caring if you're here. I know that sounds bad but a person that has been everything and done everything to help you stay alive and cared for you can only take so much. Kindness really truly matters.

  • We feel your pain .If you didn't love. You would not be feeling such pain. But you do and that is what makes you human.After your words and others I've been able to grasp the gravity of my tantrums . I am making a consience effort from this point forward to not demean (the love of my life).Denial is not just a river.1st step ,he must accept he has a problem. Minus that ,It's impossible to change? Is there anyone in his life that could talk to him that he will listen to? If not,seek pro. Help...what a life we life.we can create our own hell on earth.Thank you for help & stay strong!

  • No worries. I'm hoping I won't get so stressed again ;) I'm usually good with dealing with it. It was just too long that time and I let it get me down. I'm so glad it did bring some light for some. It's never too late to be kind ;)



  • Hey guy!!! She's in the other room.Thats hilarious,you cheered me up..You should do some stand up comedy.. I'm starting to think if we don't laugh things off we're through,not just us, but the whole world..

  • So, we both have the same Primary doc. I once saw a psychiatrist at the behest of my doc, because of my disease. I went about six times and quickly bored of it. It did nothing for me. Last week I found some scripts my wife got from the doc, and one was for a psyche eval. I made light of it, she went off. She's got this switch man, and it don't take much to flip it. Because of this script, she now is going to see another doc. Very childish.

    She also made some comments above that are not quite right. But, in her mind, she's always correct, and if you question anything, she takes it as a personal insult. This is the last thing I have to say on this subject. I hope.


  • No winning the battle of sexes or who's right or wrong.better to bow out..I'm preaching because I've been the antagonist in our battle.actually been all my doing..she's awesomely calm and not argumentive at all. Im backing off, if I didn't It could destroy both of us. Because I ve got a hard head..pure mule..never learned to back down from an argument & that caused me terrible problems in life.Ive changed everything else in my life, but without this change it all would have been for not. Good luck brother! No -reply nessessary....

  • You vent dear. You know something is wrong inside his head that neither of you can logically workout. Talk to the onc but know nothing negative falls on you. Don't know how else to say it but it is not your or his fault.

  • Thank you for your kindness bhammel. :)

  • Thank you all so very much. I don't normally fall so low over it but the episodes are closer together and more often :( and it's taking its toll. I don't talk about it to anyone....lol and now I tell the world ;)

  • That's the old spirit I admire and love so much.😍

  • Please don't think you've gone from hiding your problem to shouting it out to the world. You are simply chatting with your family - all of us here are your family! And everything you say helps us individually and collectively to recognise what is happening to us, what damage we can cause to others and reminds us that anger and fears should not be directed at our caregiver. That caregiver is usually our wife, daughter or partner. Someone we loved and still love. We are frightened for them, and anticipate our own loss of them - not of our life too much. And fear for their future without us. Love and prayers to all who have worries and fears. David

  • Thank you so much David. That was very comforting and beautifully said.



  • Jackie you bring out the best thoughts in all of us. My thanks to you.xxDavid

  • xxx

  • Great advice..Thanks!

  • My husband and I are new to the PC thing, but have been dealing with a different cancer that he's had for the last 4 years. Things have been difficult but at some point one person has to choose to break the cycle. If he's mean and then your mean and then he's mean in return the cycle will never end. The other day he was pretty crappy, mean words, taking his anger out on me. I could have responded with anger and I did at first, but then I realized my anger would not help anything. The next day I sent flowers and fruit to him at his work it made his day and he's been in a much better mood. I've decided to try and combat the negativity with acts of kindness it just might make things easier for all of us❤

  • That's so very sweet and kind and a beautiful way to help the situation. I always respond kindly and he gets coffee and breakfast in bed every morning and so many other kind things. I don't argue. I'm not one to argue. I so much appreciate an extra way to possibly help this dilema.

  • Hi

    God bless you for being there. Find you love and push aside reacting to unkindness as best you can. What are you doing for yourself. My partner is my angel. I cannot imagine hurting him and if this is not what he was it's this damn disease. Stay the course and the universe will take care of you

  • Thank you John-Carp :)

  • U. R. Great!

  • Hi Jackie,

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm not a psychologist so I don't know how to help you but I think that it is good that you wrote this post cause a lot of us men might see themselves as doing this too and might want to shape up and appreciate what their caregivers are going through. Sometimes people take their spouses for granted and it can especially happen with us men in this situation of having to fight this beast and not feeling too well and not knowing what their future holds for them. Even if Elgie cannot see what you are doing for him sometimes, don't worry cause God sees all what you are doing for Elgie and God our father is pleased. Try to always remember that you are doing it for Our Father in Heaven. You are such a super person and wife!!

    You have to take regular breaks for you might get sick yourself. I hear people say this about caregivers all the time. So don't feel guilty and give yourself time off regularly. YOU DESERVE IT


    Thanks for writing this post. It made everyone more aware of what each other is going through.


  • That is perfect Wilfred! Thank you for another way of thinking. My prayers for all of you here. Hope you're well Wilfred :)

    ♡ Jackie

  • Hi, Jackie: I took care of my wife for 12 years while she slowly died of Huntington's disease. It is a genetic disease caused by a slow deterioration of the brain. She was in a rage at me several times a day. I learned to sleep sitting up, to protect myself in case she woke up and came at me. And, yes, it is the disease, the medications, not the "real" her. I knew that, but it still was hell. I finally started taking Zoloft. That helped me detach, not take all the abuse so personally. A three dimensional caregivers group at a local church once a week helped also.

    It's so damn unfair, but maybe, not so unusual.



  • I'm deeply sorry about your wife Craig and what you had to go through and what she had to go through. Thank you for your Insight and sharing your story albeit so sad. I'm sorry but you made me smile at your sleeping sitting up to protect yourself.....just made a funny picture in my brain. Not funny though. I hope you are doing okay. Most sincere.


  • Jackie, you are doing the right thing by sharing your experience here. It is unfair how you are being treated. I hope I don't become abusive.

  • I don't think you will WSOpeddie. Thank you :)

  • I hope you feel a little less stressed now you have had a good rant and that all these messages give you the strength to carry on doing all you can for lg.

    Try to focus on the man you married and not the frustrated angry man you have now. He would probably be mortified if he realised that his meds have altered his personality.

    Xtandi didn't suit my husband Mike and we took the decision that it wasn't worth carrying on with it. The Oncos don't really know how it can affect our loved ones so we have to have conviction that if it's causing major problems sometimes we have to stand firm and question their treatment.

    Stay strong Jackie, I will pray for you and am always happy to be messaged ipersonally through this site.

    Hugs and love


  • Thank you Jackie. Sending healing hugs and love to you too.

  • Hello, I think some of you might be able to help me understand the effects of Xtandi on my late husband. That's right, my late husband. He was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer in July of 2010 and fought so hard until he passed away in Oct. of 2015. You mentioned how Xtandi didn't suit your husband. Ray began various chemo treatments in July of 2013, but finally started Xtandi in early 2014. He didn't seem to be suffering from side effects. I thought it was the cancer itself which began causing problems in Oct. of 2014, but the oncologist said his rapid decline was indeed from the chemo (Taxotere and Xtandi). Please, could anyone explain your side effects from Xtandi. My husband's temperament was already sarcastic and impatient at times before his diagnosis, but I did love him so much. I'm looking back and questioning situations which occurred that deeply hurt my feelings from arguments between us. As naïve as it sounds, I never gave much thought to the realization that this change in personality was created by the meds. He never talked to me, or cried in front of me, or gave in to any emotions around me. He was so proud and always a confident leader in groups. But after he passed, I had doubts that he "really loved me" based on his excluding me from his Life his last year. It has eaten away at me not knowing what was going on in his head. Someone, would you offer feedback? Even though it's after the fact, I'm continuing to look for clarification of our relationship as a married couple. Thank you so much. Susan

  • I'm so sorry you had to go through this pain and continue to feel this pain Susan... I feel the same way that my husband has completely pulled away from me for the last 6 months. I do so hope that you will let yourself heal and know that your husband loved you and still loves you. He would not want you to feel this way I am sure. I'm not sure what any of us can say to help you to start healing. I do believe the cancer medications cause a lot of these not so nice actions. Please take care of YOU.

    Most sincere,


  • My wife and I have been together for 32 years, after meeting in our late 30s. We had more volatile times when we were younger and working stressful jobs than after age 60.

    (I can understand how men can keep emotions bottled-up, and retreat into a separate, isolated, unloving emotional life when things get bad in a marriage or relationship. I was married & divorced younger in life, and I can appreciate how that can happen, and the feelings of hurt, anger, and rejection that can accumulate as it may continue. I was even more volatile in those younger years.)

    When I was diagnosed and successfully treated for melanoma around age 57, including an intensive one month of daily high dose Interferon infusions, the dance with cancer and mortality sobered us up a bit, and we began bonding more. We still had tough spots, mainly due to my being a jerk, for some of the time into my early 60s, but declining.

    In our mid-60s we had some medical episodes that brought out the "in the clutch" trust, support, and nurturing in us, as either she or I had to take some trips to the ER for things like some heart problems, falls, etc.

    When I went to the ER in Nov 2013 at age 65, in great pain, and with a PSA of 5,006, with extensive mets to bones and lymph nodes, ... that was it. We started bonding and supporting much more often than being hurtful to one another. Were we perfect? No. But we were better. We had to be. We wanted to be.

    When I went on Lupron, in some sense, I was no longer so "testosterone poisoned", as I used to joke around. I have been on Lupron 3 1/2 years, and Xtandi for 6 months. I have relatively tolerable physical side effects from both.

    I've never felt that my moods or behaviors were being driven by the "meds" themselves. During the first year I had lots of anxiety and fear of what might be down the road in the course of my disease. But, not so much anger about it, or negative thoughts or behaviors that I could attribute to the meds.

    Soon after diagnosis, I stopped sweating a lot of the "small stuff". We started going to a weekly cancer support group, of the type that's facilitated by someone who helps people in a small group really get into their deepest fears, feelings, etc. We went to regular monthly Prostate Cancer Support Groups, too, and to a couple of Conferences.

    As I had tough times and hard parts of treatments, I became more open with my emotions, and would share my tears and fears instead of hiding them or bottling them up. That was also a two-way street. It helped. It was something that took practice, and a leap of faith into one's personal emotional vulnerability.

    (I recall one day softly calling my Sweetie in from the other room, and saying to her, "My eyes are leaking." and then just being there for one another, as we talked about the really hard stuff I was going through that day.)

    After 3 1/2 years on ADT with Lupron and 6 months on Xtandi, we are now closer than we have ever been, and more affectionate in little ways than we were 10-15 years ago. Of course, our sex life faded long ago, but our daily hugs and holding hands as we walk in the park, and a lot of the daily "little things" are much improved. (Particularly a bunch of things that I used to do, or not do, that I've since "come around" to see as actually helpful and necessary. Ha. Ha.)

    Are we perfect? Of course not. But we do our bests to stay balanced and focused in the present moment. As the next few years play out, we know that each of us will need the full measure of love and support from one another. Our Love is deep, and our time is precious. And I'm one Lucky Guy, despite the whole incurable metastatic prostate cancer thing.


  • That's an awesome love story Charles ♡ How sweet that you both bonded more through this. Thank you for sharing it.

    Wow 5000! That's a testament right there. You're HERE!! Enjoy every second with the Mrs. ;)

    Most sincere,


  • thank you for sharing, I have been through all the treatments and have been fighting cancer since 2011, and I too have mood swings and lots of fear and anger, I sometimes yell at my family

    one thing that helps is support groups and talking to a social worker, seek out someone you can talk to for both of you, support groups are great.

  • Thanks so much Mrjack. I'm sorry you're here too.

  • It's okay to vent. Our spouses/partners/caregivers are angels without their wings. Things are almost as tough on them as it is for us. Many times it's worse to watch someone close to you changing for the worse and you can't fix it. We can get really ugly at times and it hurts you. We shouldn't lash out but we wouldn't know what to do without you.

  • Thanks so much Wayne-p.

  • Jackie,

    Have his oncologist get him off Xtandi and onto Zytiga and prednisone. Xtandi causes extreme tiredness and mood swings in many men. Zytiga will be effective controlling the cancer if Xtandi was, and taken with prednisone Zytiga causes much less inflamation and anxiety. This is an easy change.

    A harder change is getting him on a healthy Mediterranean diet with minerals and vitamin c and d supplements, and some supplements like Wobenzyme and Serrapeptase to control chronic pain. Nutrition and mental stability are closely linked.

  • Thanks so much for the info supplements ;) and other info Winni :)

  • Yes some of these drugs have weird side effects I go into this dark place now and again just quiet never aggressive and thank goodness it is always my wife who brings me back with lots of positive talk with the odd sharp edge. So Jackie I think you are appreciated much more than you imagine keep going but remember to look after yourself first.

    And as the Beatles Song 'Love Love Love all you need is Love'

  • Thanks Rogersw ;)

  • So very sorry

  • It will be okay Tebo ;)

  • So sorry. It is not fair but sometimes when people are in pain or depressed they take it out on the ones closest to them. I think that must be the hardest thing for a caregiver to bear. Please vent to the group! This group is in our corner!

    As I just stated to a wonderful lady that just lost her husband, being a caregiver is a lot harder than having cancer. Please know that your husband loves you. It is the cancer talking. In addition to taking care of your husband, please take care of yourself.

    God bless.

  • Thank you Dr_WHO. Always look forward to your responses.

    God bless you

  • Jackie, I completely understand and have gone thru something similar. Xtandi does change their personality, making them quick to anger. I often times react as angry, realizing it isn't him but all the drugs he is taking. I end up leaving and taking a drive to calm down. You are not alone.

  • ChuckBandChar

    Tale good care too Char. Good wishes for both of you.

  • Hang in there Jackie. Just know your husband is in there somewhere and realizes how wonderful you are. We get frustrated because we see ourselves declining and can't fix it. The meds can really screw with our heads. Don't ever believe you bring any of this on it's the pc and drugs.

    You should start or find a caregivers group online.

    Love Dennis

  • I will look Dennis

    ♡ Jackie

  • I would say get a gator. I raised mine and he is now 7 feet long and 200 lbs...when ever I get angry I go wrestle my gator..works every time. My gator doesn't bring me breakfast in bed but he also doesn't go up on eBay and bid on Ralph Lauren Black Label and Gucci coats and purses.

  • Lol Ba ha ha Gusgold!

  • You are all so sweet, kind, loving, funny, caring and helpful. I thank you from my heart ♡. All of your words mean so much to me especially with all that you're all going through and you take your precious time to help me to feel better. I wish each of you tons of blessings.

    Elgie is NOT on Xtandi any more and it has been a long time since he has been on it but he has been different since the start of it and it continued even after he stopped. I should have written that he is no longer on it.

    Most sincerely thankful for all of you ♡


  • I'd videotape hit outbursts, then show them to him when he's in a rational mood. Irrational mood swings like that are a well-documented result with many cancer drugs, from ADT to chemo. It could even be a brain met.

  • That is perfect its_back!!

    Thank you so much! :)

    I'm not sure of his next scan date. His f18 pet should be soon.

  • When a drug messes with your hormones it's bound to change you. My wife and family said they notice I get argumentitive when Zoladex implant due. Been on Zoladex for nearly 9 years. Started xtandi may 2016 alongside Zoladex. My wife and family say I seem calmer. Hormones are so important. When they are taken away. It's difficult. But alternative isn't great either. My wife says how Zoladex changed me but she happened to fall in love with the new me! She also loved the old me!!

  • ;) ;) She's so sweet your wife.

    I bet she wouldn't like my "new" husband lol wink wink.

    I'm hoping my "old" one will come back soon.

    My best wishes :)

  • It's definitely has NOTHING to do with you. I recognize the sadness...and the loss...fear of death...which I know now is imminent...and the depression. I don't feel like a man anymore...I feel like my lack of testosterone has turned me into a freak. And on top of that what all these treatments are doing to the rest of my good health... Most times I would rather be dead and have begun looking into taking my own life... So... I understand your man...but I also know...that it is all his stuff and I am sorry he can't just own it and love you...but sometimes the ones who we love are constant reminders of what we can no longer have for ourselves...what we feel we can no longer be...the person you fell in love with. We're damaged now and the feeling of having to let go of what we had and not being able to who we were...createso an incredible conflict. It's like torture. I am sorry for what you are both going through.


  • Thank you so much Bill. I'm so sorry. Hugs.


  • Thx Jackie. I hope things get better between the two of you. ❤❤

  • I sure do too Bill ;)

  • Jackie,

    I'd like to leave a message here for Elgie. If you think this might be useful to him, please show it to him.


    When I was diagnosed with cancer, like most patients, I went into a kind of psychological shock. Like everyone else, I learned as a child that I would die some day but now, seeing how it could happen, believing that the days were limited, it all became very real. I got very depressed and anxious. I felt alone. How could anyone possibly understand what was happening to me? Everybody else was going along with their old lives, just as they always did. They did things today and made plans for tomorrow. Me? I felt like crap today and didn't want to even think about tomorrow. I knew my wife cared for me, but how could she understand? She was one of the well ones, one of the people who could live for today and for tomorrow. At least that's the way I thought about it. I withdrew into myself. I spent my time brooding and mourning the loss of my real life.

    But it turned out that I was wrong!

    First of all, I was not alone. My wife didn't understand everything I felt, but I realized that wasn't so important. What was important was that she loved me. She cared about me more than anybody else in the world cared about me. I knew a lot of guys who went through their whole lives lonely and who died alone. I realized that I was one of the lucky ones and that I would be an idiot and a fool to throw that away.

    Secondly, I came to understand that, whatever happened to me, I loved her and I wanted to have the best for her. I wanted her and our children to know that I loved them and I wanted to know that, when I died, they would still remember me with love and still benefit from knowing that I loved them.

    And then a funny thing happened. I no longer felt so isolated. I no longer felt that no one understood me. I no longer felt that I was facing the future alone. I no longer felt that life was over when I died. I realized that people I loved would still be alive and that was important!


    You still have some time left. Make it meaningful. Add something meaningful to the lives of those whom you love. Take an interest in them. Talk to them. Care about them. I believe that when you do that you add more meaning to your own life than you can ever have alone.

    They'll feel better and, I firmly believe, you will too.

    Best of luck.


  • Oh Alan.......tears in my eyes. I will let him read it. It sounds so heartfelt and I thank you from my heart.

    Healing hugs,


  • I laid it on his desk Alan.....I omitted names ;)

  • I've got my fingers crossed, hoping it will help.


  • Jackie, You seem so sweet and kind that I'm baffled by some posts here that suggest you try being even nicer still. It sounds like your husband has been passing through the 5 stages of death but he's stuck at the Anger stage. Many people never manage to move on to the desired final stage of Acceptance. He's angry at his fate and he's taking it out on you. For now, it may be best for you to spend more time at your son's place until LG realizes how much love and attention he has been getting from you and hopefully he will come to terms with his wrongfully placed anger. Perhaps your son can talk to him about how poorly he treats you. I worry about you and wish you well. As others have said, take care of yourself first. Please do not allow yourself to be abused by LG or by anyone. Blessings to you in all that you do.


  • Thank you Len. I've not heard of 5 stages of death but whatever it is...yes he teeters often on the anger. Thankfully it's not physical abuse. I will continue to stay at my son's a few days a week. It helps my stress and probably gives him a break from having to be angry. Don't worry I'll be okay. I usually stay strong. Blessings to you too Len. Healing hugs too.


  • Jackie, here is the book citation to this classic study on the process that people with a terminal illness go through. I highly recommend this to everyone on this forum.

    Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0-415-04015-9.

    Here is a brief outline of its contents. People do not necessarily go through these stages in the order listed. This outline comes from Wikipedia:

    The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

    Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.

    Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?".

    Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. For instance: "I'd give anything to have him back." Or: "If only he'd come back to life, I'd promise to be a better person!"

    Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

    During the fourth stage, the individual despairs at the recognition of their mortality. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen.

    Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it; I may as well prepare for it."

    In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions.

  • Awwwww...thank you so much Len! I didn't recall ever hearing about the stages of death. It is something I will be mindful of. Hope you are having a good day today and thank you so much for your kindness. It's so cold right now but its supposed to be much warmer weather this weekend. Wishing you a good weekend :)


  • Truthfully, I've had a short fuse my entire adult life.NOW no fuse..Grew up with angelic mom that was always yelling and screaming at my dad ,Me, and my 3pretty wild older brothers.Dad worked as much as possible , always kept his nose set deep in a book when he couldn't be at work, his first choice to stay sane I've turned into my mother.Complaining (yelling) and daily terrible verbal spousal abuse.Your descriptions are a mirror to our daily life.Except that I'm the abuser not the victim. Thank you! You have Helped..both of us.She is in your boat.maybe you two should chat.There can be solutions....Hang in there baby! With love there is hope..and you love and surely he loves you too. But he is jacked up!The psychologically for men fighting the P. C. Can be brutal.Keep venting, in positive ways.We will reply...Don't forget to take care of yourself..

  • Thanks so much for your honest reply Lulu700. I wish the best for you and the Mrs. Try to be more kind.....that means everything to us ;)

  • I'm with you. Not quite as bad as yours -- there are still occasional good periods, but they are getting shorter, the bad periods are getting longer and more intense. My husband did try an antidepressant but had side effects. Hoping and praying he'll try another.

    Taking care of yourself and not feeling guilty about that are key. Go to your son's house and enjoy it!

    My husband is somewhat aware but that doesn't seem to help much. We've been wondering if it is a build-up of the Xtandi (over a year now) or perhaps just being on hormone therapy overall for 3 years. Diagnosed at stage IV (age 52) and rapidly went to castration-resistant. Xtandi has been great for the PSA level, but maybe not so great for the mental?

  • Same here caring7. Good and bad here but bad is outweighing the good and bad is more intense. I laid a note on his desk from Alan Myers and he's been nice ever since. Thanks so very much Alan! I just hope it lasts. I don't argue....to me that's just a waste. Wow a long time on Xtandi. LG didn't last but about 2 months maybe 3. He's on antidepressants, his pain is controlled and he is on the hormones. Thanks caring7.My best to you. I hope you both do well.

    53 and stage IV now 68.

    ;) Jackie

  • I am so sorry. Please be strong not only for you husband but yourself. Weekends are the hardest for me. Think of ending it. But I know it is the medicine talking to me. I derive conform from your posts. You are w wonderful person. You are helping me see a new morning. Please know that even though life is being unfair to you, ate keeping other men alive. God bless you.

  • May God bless you Dr_Who. You always help anyone here! You give light to all who need it. It always brings a smile when I see your posts helping others. Such a great thing to give.....a smile, support, information, a hug, even just a "like". It could mean everything to "someone" :)

    Thank you Dr_Who ♡

  • And the same goes for you! If there is someone hurting it is a granted that you will try to raise their spirits up. Please keep on being you!

  • ♡ and a great big gentle hug Dr_WHO

  • Miss seeing your post's Dr_WHO ♡

  • Sorry. I was away for a while. Do not know where the time goes. I am fine (or as close to it as you can expect). I have to have some more tests run. Some of the cancer does not produce PSA and there is concern that it is spreading. Have to go out of the state for the test and I am fighting with the insurance companies. That said, I am during great!

    Miss hearing from you erjlg3. I hope that all is well. I also enjoy reading your notes of encouragement. 😇

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