Who am I? ADHD or Myself

[Steph1232]

I feel so alone when I talk about ADHD I let it become my identity. I was no longer Steph the funny, outgoing, easy to talk to person. I became the disorganized, always forgetting, person who no one wants to be around because she may say odd things, and constantly feeling guilty about forgetting things. I am 24 now and still who am I? I want to be Steph. I no longer want to be told oh it's ADHD I WANT MY IDENTITY BACK. I get told ADHD shouldn't be that hard to live with but everyday it feels like my bones are breaking just to get out of bed. I wish more people understood how much I hate living this way. I feel I am always letting people down and no one is ever happy with me. I feel I do all these things for everyone hoping that they will be happy when they see them yet the next week it is always a constant let down. I don't know what to do anymore I have lost myself in my symptoms of ADHD. I feel I should accept who I am but how to you accept it when it is always a let down or an issue to everyone else? I feel so lost at 24 I feel I am trying to take steps to help myself but then as soon as a minor things happens I am stuck in the cycle the never ending cycle of ADHD and not Steph's cycle. How do I break free? How do I accept me and let everyone down along the way for accepting who I am and the struggles I have?

[Loutysonsmith]

Hey Steph

This resonates greatly with me.

I'm much older than you - I'm 56 - but every word could have been written by me!

I wish there were easy answers but I don't believe there are. I've lived most of my life undiagnosed and so have muddled through with varying degrees of 'success'. That was until about 18 months ago where I could no longer function as 'me'. I can't take ADHD stimulant meds so I'm just out here doing what I can.

Problem is (or is it a problem 🤔) most people don't see my struggles. They are invisible to the naked eye, perhaps you can relate?

Finally, I have realised that if I don't stop trying to pass as 'neurotypical' it's going to continue to harm me mentally and even spiritually and physically. The only thing I can do is to be as I truly am and, when on occasion I need to step outside my comfort zone (which is increasingly narrow) I acknowledge it to myself and work on making the best of a situation. I'll give you an example.

Today I needed (or did I need to? Or did I impose it on myself?...) to attend a social event where I knew there would be a lot of people that haven't seen me for a long time and haven't seen me since my dramatic 'unmasking' 18 months-2 years ago.

I hardly slept worrying. Couldn't decide what to wear. Worried about if I would be able to sit and chat to people.

I went. It was fine. I said hello and talked to a few people I know, drank some tea. When I started to feel overwhelmed I left while I still had social energy.

I didn't overshare, over talk or act anxious.

That's how I have to do things now.

If I don't the next 2 days will be full of worry about what I said or didn't say, what people thought of my conversation skills or outfit.

In the best possible way, I chose to do what was best for me.

And after all of these years of insecurity, around my ADHD and the associated depression and anxiety..... this is the most powerfully effective thing I can do.

You are still the same person as you were before your diagnosis. You now have more insight into some of the things you might struggle with most. It might sound corny, but when you're doubting yourself, speak to yourself as if you are speaking to a best friend or someone you really love - it works for me and it's a powerful tool to have in your 'toolbox' of things to use to make yourself feel more at ease.

Louise xxxxxx

[Quilter470 in reply to Loutysonsmith]

Great reply, Louise, and all of us share this young lady's frustrations. I am 76 years old and was officially diagnosed only two years ago. Doctors near me are not seeing new patients and my PCP will prescribe stimulants for no one, so I am still unmedicated.

Only recently have I come to the conclusion that this is who I am and I am learning that I am my own worst critic, so silence bails me out of some situations. Also, I have struggled all my life with procrastination and now it is up to me to accept this awful disorder. Yes, I have much to do and I know what there is that needs to be done. I don't need a to-do list to constantly remind me, making me feel even more guilty.

I'll get to it in my own time and vow to stop feeling so guilty every day of my life. I will take care of these things. I hope this makes sense.

[Loutysonsmith in reply to Quilter470]

100% makes sense xxxx

[Loutysonsmith in reply to Quilter470]

Silence is great isn't it, so liberating. Not everything needs a reply.

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to Loutysonsmith]

Thank you Louise for your post, I can relate so much. When you said “this is how I have to do things now” do you mean leave early? Or worry the night before and force yourself to act a certain way?

[Loutysonsmith in reply to Prairiefrontporch]

I mean leave early - and yet I'll still be anxious the night/day before. I have to listen to what my body/brain are saying now, too many years just pushing on through and then crashing so many times.

I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had in my life, the places I've been and the people I've met. I wish I'd realised sooner that it was myself I needed to convince I was OK and enough - not other people. You live and learn!😅

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to Loutysonsmith]

Thanks

[STEM_Dad]

You are the same unique, priceless person that you have always been!However, a diagnosis of ADHD (or anything else significant) can effect how you see yourself.

Many people go through a period of grief, or even an identity crisis of sorts, after receiving an ADHD diagnosis. Dr. Russell Barkley just released a video on this topic:

youtu.be/6Rc89XqnoV0?si=tbB...(Not working as expected?)

The important thing to know about grief is that it is a process... there's no way around it, only though. I went through a much shorter grieving process after my ADHD diagnosis because I had been preparing myself through the months leading up to my diagnosis. (It was actually a great relief for me to know for certain that it was ADHD behind my struggles, and not character flaws. I still had to grieve all the things that could have been different in my past if I'd known and gotten help earlier...I still sometimes grieve over that.)

• If you suspect that you are experiencing grief, it might be very helpful to talk to a mental health professional.

• Grief is not a one-and-done process. It is possible (and even likely) to experience the same grief again and again. I can tell you that from my own experience it can get a lot easier to go through over time. (I went through intense grief over the failure of my marriage and subsequent divorce. It's been over two years since the divorce and when the grief returns it's a small fraction of what it was originally. It also stays away longer.)

Note that the ADHD experience for women can be very different than it is in men. Jessica McCabe from HowToADHD can explain much better than I can:

youtu.be/EMpt40zNK-w?si=ivI...(Not working as expected?)

[Colls47 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Great reply . I would add my own here but my struggles are so similar and I am still working out how I live with this grief aswell, so can’t add much , but do like your reply’s

[STEM_Dad in reply to Colls47]

Rest assured they you have much to add. Your experiences might be similar, but are very distinct. You perspectives are totally unique to you.

We each have something to add to the conversation. So, feel free to share, if you're comfortable doing so.

Sometimes talking about the things that cause us to experience grief will help us to process the grief. (However, when not ready to discuss those things, it can be triggering to do so. It's up to you to determine whether you're ready to discuss your grief and what causes it, or not.)

~~~

Sometimes in discussing a topic (any topic), I will have an epiphany. Other times, I just feel like I'm repeating myself. I don't know which it's gonna be before I say what I'm saying.

But it's the chance to connect with other people, like all of you here, that keeps me coming back and engaging in the conversation.

I love it when something I've said is able to help someone because I've always been driven by a desire to help people, but I am here because I need connection and empathy and validation. I need to know that I'm not alone, and that other people have similar experiences with ADHD and how it impacts their life.

~~~

So, feel free to share, even if what you want to say has already been said.

[OldIndigoBlue in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks for these links to videos. I just subscribed to Russell Barkely's YouTube channel.

[mrsm68]

I can relate to everything you said.

I’m 56 and was diagnosed 2 years ago.

Before being diagnosed I just thought I was a bit quirky, could think outside the box and had a good sense of fun. I had good coping strategies in place for remembering things and generally just worked around my difficulties. Life was still difficult and it was really hard work but my view of myself was ok.

Now that I am aware of all my ‘faults’ I get frustrated with myself and if I’m honest I probably look down on myself.

Writing this has made me realise how I have been feeling.

[Mamamichl]

you explained this quite well. Your rsd is definitely showing. Mine does this a lot too. One thing you can do is write down who Steph is and make a daily goal to do one of the Steph things. Some people succeed with dbt therapy with this kind of thinking because it can thank certain aspects you don’t like for doing some things good for you and telling it that you dont need it for other things. It was weird for me, but some people love that it helps you take charge.

[STEM_Dad]

Here's another video I just found. Just replace "autism" with "ADHD".

Sometimes using the label of "ADHD" gets in the way of recognizing that its purpose is intended to help us ...to understand ourselves better, to find language to describe our challenges and to find "a path towards finding solutions to those challenges."

~~~

If you're struggling, it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. It just means that you're struggling.

But when you've overcome some of the struggles, you might then be able to help someone else who is going through similar struggles...at least to let them know that they are not alone.

Talk through the grief as much as you are able to and comfortable with. It gets easier, little by little. It might take weeks, months, maybe even years. But it can get better over time.

(I'm not saying "be patient", because hat's not good advice. It's hard to be patient when you're hurting so much, because you just want the pain to stop. What I'm saying is what you're feeling is honesty what you're feeling. Feelings are feedback, the tell you your internal state. That knowledge can help point you in the direction you need to go in order to find healing and closure, as long as those feelings are not leading you towards more harm.)

[OldIndigoBlue in reply to STEM_Dad]

Did you mean to post a link to a video?

[STEM_Dad in reply to OldIndigoBlue]

Here it is. I didn't notice that I forgot to paste the link.

It took a bit of searching to find the video again.

youtube.com/shorts/Vm4UKYjX...

[OldIndigoBlue in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks, STEM_Dad..... hope the original poster on this thread sees this too because I think it's very relevant. ....I think it's important for all of us to realize whether we are labeled (by ourselves or by a "professional"), we are who we are, and the label might prove beneficial..... or not, depending on the situation. I agree - I mask in certain situations, having gone from wanting EVERYONE to know I've finally discovered what's "wrong" with me, to being more discerning about who to share this information with.... Hope all is well your way.

[Prairiefrontporch]

the thing with me is- I don’t want to let everyone down. I want to hide who I am at my own expense, to fit in and be “normal” ..maybe it’s wrong but I don’t want to accept this. I want to conquer it .

[Quilter470 in reply to Prairiefrontporch]

I have tried so hard to conquer this disorder while having no access to medication, but it is nearly impossible. I remind myself that we aren't wired the same as non-ADHD people because this is a neurological disorder that, in my opinion, can't be overcome. That's my way of "accepting" my situation.

All my life I thought everyone was like this but they just handled things so much better. I was so wrong.

[My2girls2boys]

Steph,

I completely understand you! I feel the exact same way! It’s overwhelming and frustrating and defeating. It’s a struggle every day. I am 56 and never had children because I had so much anxiety thinking I would pass it on to my children. I hate living this way. Originally I thought all my symptoms were just my personality. After being diagnosed, I have been trying to decipher…well, then…what’s my personality? Who am I outside of my ADHD? I use to be the funny, fun one that always struggled in school and now I am the adult who interrupts people, is always late, overthinks and am overwhelmed. It’s a struggle every day. I want peace and to be happy and for people around me to understand I have really good intentions and I’m really trying. We have to take it one day at a time. I believe the more people around us are educated that our brains just work differently, they will be more accepting. ADHD does have some super powers that we need to focus on and take advantage of. I follow some fellow ADHDers on TikTok that remind us of our strengths and help navigate our struggles. Hang in there! You are not alone, we understand you, and we will get through this together!

[Ratio]

Hi Steph,

I am at the other end of life, a 74 year old man who was diagnosed when I was in my 60s. At first it was a relief to have a category into which I could fit. But soon, like you, I came to hate the notion that ADHD utterly defined me. It doesn't. I worked through it and you will too. I promise. To the degree that the markers help you navigate life, they can be useful. Otherwise, let them go and remember who you are - that wonderful Steph you described. She is still there!!

With every good wish,

Ratio

[PinkPanda23]

Oh, I felt all of that as I read your post! First, we wonder what's wrong with us, and when we find out what it's called, we don't want to give in. I was 54 when I was diagnosed, so had lived a good portion of my life. When I found out that this had a name, that things I did were symptoms of a brain disorder - that it was NOT MY FAULT -I was overjoyed and relieved. Then, I went through a period of grief and wondering if my life might have been different if diagnosed earlier and treated.

Well, here I am almost 14 years later, and I still have ADHD, can't tolerate medication, and muddle along. What I had to learn was that although I now know what it is and why I forget, interrupt, lose track of time and keys, the neurotypical world I live in mostly sees it as an excuse or doesn't even accept that it exists. They still expect me to function and be responsible and accountable. So I learned where I have strengths, and where I have weaknesses, and I try to capitalize on those strengths and ask for help with the weaknesses.

I was bright and funny and kind and gave excellent customer service and was a good listener and empathic and compassionate before I learned I have ADHD. I am still all of those things!! I forgot stuff and was tardy and interrupted people and didn't retain information verbally given to me before I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I still do. It was always a part of me.

I look at ADHD as something that is me the same way as I have blue eyes and ash blonde hair. I can train myself to overcome some parts with routine and structure. My keys have a clip that I attach to my purse. Every time. People here have tricks for various things that I've tried to improve my organization. But I'm still me, just as you are still Steph! Hang out here and feel empowered with people who understand and are rooting for each other. You are not alone!

[79Sunflower]

Oh Steph,

I am so sorry you are feeling like you are unraveling.

FYI, whoever told you ADHD shouldn't not be that hard to live with.. WHUT? Who are THEY? and if they are a mental health professional..who had the tools all their life..ya they don't count!! BUH-BYE!! Regardless of who said that, that is SO NOT TRUE, NOR is it FACT!! They need to go get educated on the various levels that those with ADHD CAN struggle with.

Also please remember the overwhelm and grief from finally being diagnosed. It hits like a TON of bricks and that alone can throw you right off path..remember your system is 'heightened' more than most..so it is VERY understandable. And yes, it FEEL SOO backward, right? Sure we were struggling yet when you finally get told..it's a wind whirl feeling and it feels like all things are flying all over the place..and all "WHAT HAPPENED? WHY am I regressing from before even knowing??" I kind of think this happens to quite a few.. I mean I am 44yrs old and newly diagnosed AuDHD after years of being misdiagnosed..and trust me, it has THROWN ME! I am ALL over the place and it was through yes, partly relief, yet HOLY HECK it has been a MASSIVE grieving process..and SUPER overwhelmed for so many reasons. and yes right now I am on medical leave for burnout.

Many people do NOT realize that the mental load and the emotional load are massive - So with that, if I can, ask your friends if they can be a little more tender/compassionate with you b/c it's A LOT for one to take in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT!! And quite frankly until they are neuroscientist who can FULLY comprehend the various levels..they need to find their compassion. Sure they are allowed to be frustrated, but guess who else is also frustrated going through it, YOU!

I also understand where you say you feel like you have lost yourself and lost yourself in your symptoms of ADHD..I don't know about you, yet maybe it's because you are FINALLY seeing that yes, you do struggle in this area and it kinda gets highlighted (a conscious unconscious thing,..where you kinda get lost in the recognition as it is going on..and SO many emotions may flood in and processing of things of how you did struggle and are soo conscious of the current struggle..where you kinda get frozen) - Hey, maybe I am COMPLETELY off and this is just me..

I think it's also a matter of getting to know you, the real Steph and understand that you are shedding the old skin from what you may have once been in learning the newer Steph that yes where it feels like new shaky foundation..and do your best to find some ways to be self-compassionate to yourself. (NOT easy work either - especially for us and if you like me have been raised by abusive family members who only magnify my shortcomings yet can't look at themselves).

Maybe start to notice one thing a day that is uniquely you, that hey sure my be 'quirky' yet is part of the flare of being YOU! You are beautiful you and not that it matters but I am sure that someone out there really loves or would love that little 'quirk' about you!! Mark it down. 1 awesome 'quirky' unique thing about you.

Also if some people can't understand right now, they honestly, you will have to ask yourself whether they are good for your soul or mental/emotional health. Remember, not everyone you have met thus far in your life actually is..old saying 'just because they are familiar doesn't mean they are good for you'. It's hard when we see that and yes, grieve..doesn't mean they are 'bad' people, they just aren't the proper alignment we need for ourselves. That doesn't mean they can't be acquaintances, sometimes friends change their roles in our life... and you never know who may be more understanding and safer for what you really need and want..

Maybe join a few local places that support ADHDers or even other groups online..find the people who do want to understand.

Also remember, ADHD is totally "I am doing so well this week..to next week being..EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE" especially right now. Be tender to yourself, journal..it is really therapeuctic..even if it's just 5 bullet points for that day.. and if you miss a day, then get right back on it. Schedule it in your phone if that also helps. Plus if you do have very supportive family and friends, maybe break out from feeling the shy/shame feeling and ask them if they can help you. Sit down and write where you are struggling, some things you are going to do and from there assess what a friend or family member may be able to assist you with while you get the hang of it.

Also if you can afford it or your family is willing, why not hire an ADHD coach/therapist to help you sort out the overwhelm. It could help and they could possibly give you a lot of resources or leads for resources. Plus the idea of an accountability 'partner'.

I also believe that ADHD can come with bodily pain as well..so please be gentle. I have fibromyaglia..so I understand..ADHDers alone can suffer from chronic bodily pains..and things have been weighing heavy on you & naturally your body is going to flare up..b/c all the stress hormones surging in 'delicately' wired body.

Be gentle to yourself, Steph.🙏

[STEM_Dad]

Steph, I hope this bit helps you separate yourself from your ADHD...

You are so much more than the ADHD!

You are a person, a human being. You have many layers and facets that make up who you are.

It's a common belief among many people that we are each made up of a Body, Mind, Heart and Soul.

ADHD, as a neurodevelopmental condition, really only exists within your physical body, in the neural connections and functions within your physical brain.

Meanwhile, you have a mind and heart and soul. These parts determine your personality, your interests and perspectives, your beliefs and values.

ADHD might influence you, it certainly affects how you behave and how you are able to function, but it doesn't determine the decisions you make, or the things you choose to have an interest in.

That version of Steph who is "funny, outgoing, easy to talk to" is still in there. Maybe those parts of you are vying against the part who has been hurt by the struggles, feeling judged or rejected by others, feeling like you don't measure up.

~~~~~

But I'll bet you're still funnier than I am. I've got a quirky, punny, somewhat dry kind of humor.

(Maybe I was destined to be a father, because I just love "dad jokes" so much!)

I'm certain that you're still more outgoing than I am.

(I've spent the last 30 years working on being more outgoing stuff work and in other social spaces, but at the end of the day, I'm happy as a clam to retreat to the solitude of my nice, quiet house.

Maybe I can match you on being "easy to talk to"; maybe not.

(Some people people just find me to be too weird to talk to. Others seem to be quite comfortable talking to me.)

...

You've only shared a little bit about yourself, but undoubtedly there is so much more to who you are.

I'll bet that somewhere along the way, an opinion was pushed on you, a narrative about who you "should" be. Well, that narrative is wrong.

Nobody else has a right to tell you who you are.

...

You mentioned that you're 24. That's an age when you are really growing out of how you were raised to be, and beginning to really determine who you want to be. It comes with a lot of confusion and soul searching.

That's normal, but that doesn't make it easy, but it can help to know that it's natural especially at that time of life.

[RizzKalifa]

I feel you Steph. I felt like that at your age and basically am only starting to get my life together now. I never knew what path to take, always made the wrong choice and always dissapointed people not even realizing a lot of the time. Don't put pressure on yourself and go easy. It is a struggle, but at least you recognize now what was up. I didn't find out until fairly recently. You got this.