Starting a "normal" job, what do I do?

[AlaskaSourdough]

Help! I am turning 40 this spring and have never had a regular, 9-5, M-F job with benefits (have been a hard worker with multiple part-time jobs, independent contracting, my own business, temp jobs and shift work but never something this restrictive and normal). I am just learning about ADHD and related RSD and Justice sensitivity, all of which, and more, I have suffered with since I can remember (can you suffer from something you never knew existed?). I am excessively sensitive right now because of a particularly hurtful rejection last fall, the fluctuating health of my dad over the last year and a half and a forced move in the next two weeks. I wish to find a therapist who can help me navigate life with new understanding of why I am so different and how to make those differences work for me rather than against me as well as provide tools to heal from the rejection (I can't eat, sleep or drink much of anything, I hurt worse than any description of RSD I have read yet). I really don't want to jeopardize this fine chance at a really good job. Any suggestions on where to start my search for the right therapist? Or other places to learn these things from? Or, if you can relate, anything that has helped you?

[STEM_Dad]

I got my first regular job when I was almost 27. I had only worked part time jobs before that.

Since then, more often than not my jobs have been the regular 9-5 (or rather 8-5), Monday-Friday kind of schedule.

I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 45.

I have always had a tendency to run late, but thankfully I've never lost a job for it ... I've been very lucky.

Not only do I have time blindness, but I think I also have a delayed circadian rhythm (delayed sleep onset, and delayed ability to get up and moving in the morning).

So, if you have a tendency to be late to work... you will have to figure out how to get yourself out the door on time. (I am still working on it.)

~~~~~

What is it you are wondering?

What type of job is it (if you don't mind sharing that info)?

[AlaskaSourdough in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks for your thoughts, perhaps it is not as bad as I think...(Overthing is in here somewhere, I know it!) My question is help finding a therapist. It is a "normal" job and that is all that matters as far as trying to figure out what to do with it. I am not used to the restrictions that come with a job with benefits. Seriously! People get paid to go on vacation!?! And all these extra benefits... Oh, but you have to follow all the protocols just so or you risk losing them!?! And you can't work on the holidays??? Not used to that mentality and it actually rubs me wrong (perceived justice sensitivity? Clashing values?).Specifically I would like recommendations on where/how to shop for a therapist who can help me with ADHD stuff and trauma (how to work a normal job and how to not have to fake normalcy enough to keep it as well as how to work through past trauma). Can you take your emotional support dog with you to work in the courthouse as appraiser for the Assessor's office? They will think I am emotionally unstable and fire me... Can I cry now? (Emotional disregulation?)

[STEM_Dad in reply to AlaskaSourdough]

I misunderstood.

Well, a full time job should come with benefits, and those benefits might or might not cover therapy. If they do, you would have to find a therapist who takes your health coverage.

I see that you replied to someone else that you had scheduled an interview with a therapist. I hope they're a good match for you.

(I've had mixed results...one great therapist, two who were good, one just okay, and one who was terrible. I'm now trying to get back into therapy, and the local options are so limited that I'm going to have to do teletherapy again.)

[BLC89]

Hello AlaskaSourdough,Yes you can suffer from something you don't know the name of, it's no fun and super confusing. Hopefully diagnosis has helped clarify some past behavior.

As far as the job goes StemDad touched on it, if you know something about yourself that can be a challenge and possibly impact your new job negatively - being late, procrastinating, missing details, etc. - whatever it may be then I suggest talking to your new boss and letting them know it's a challenge. Don't wait til it's a problem, let them know you are aware of it and working on it. That helps them have more patience.

As far as finding someone to work with I suggest looking for a therapist who is well versed in ADHD and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it has been shown to be a good fit for ADHDers. An ADHD coach can do a similar thing, generally, they work with what you've got and don't dig into the past necessarily. Psychology Today is a good site and you can search with criteria like ADHD and CBT (psychologytoday.com/)

You've got this! Congrats on the new job. Stay curious and keep learning about yourself, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[AlaskaSourdough in reply to BLC89]

Thanks! If only my problems were the ones you suggested -- being late, forgetting details... I struggle with more of the interpersonal issues like communicating, understanding, sensitivities, emotional, job self-sabotage. But I have an interview with a therapist this Monday and hopefully we will be a good fit for each other and be able to make some progress. Come to think of it, I believe I do have time blindness! I don't get out of bed till the last minute before I leave for work because I tend to get distracted otherwise and then I end up being late! But I prefer to get up early so starting work at 8:30 am is a painful thought. Perhaps a specific structured task every work morning might help...

[BLC89 in reply to AlaskaSourdough]

I hope the therapist is a good fit too. If not keep looking - I know it's no fun - you deserve the best support to get where you want to go.

[Mamamichl]

work is always a difficult thing for us who have adhd. Many people can only keep a job for a short time while others thrive because they found a good fit where they handle emergency situations.

To answer your first question. Yes you can suffer without a diagnosis. I wasn’t diagnosed as until 38, and I’m 40 now. Have tinnitus since I was 12 and no one had a diagnosis for me because there wasn’t a label for it until about 20 years ago. There’s so little understanding though too. Doctors were baffled that the tinnitus wasn’t making me deaf, but it was helping me get an auditory processing disorder. Make sure you meditate several times a day just to keep your cool.

[AlaskaSourdough in reply to Mamamichl]

Thanks! Great advice and thank you for sharing some of your experience! You mentioned a key thing for me, "thrive because they found a good fit where they handle emergency situations" would suit me perfectly!!! Not sure this new job will be demanding enough but if not I will try job shopping for something better.

[Mamamichl in reply to AlaskaSourdough]

I work well in special education because I hyper focus on my kids. I can focus on individual interests and strengths. The worst part is my social filters.

[Quincie]

I sympathize with your situation. There's a lot of stress going on in your life. New job, your dad's health, moving plus the emotional hurts from a break up in the recent past if I am interpreting what you wrote correctly. I have never heard of 'Justice sensitivity' is that feeling perceived injustices to yourself acutely or injustices you see around you?

Anyway fitting into the new job is the easier part. But you need to compartmentalize. All you need to do is show up at the expected time, perform the required duties & be polite to coworkers. Do not overshare anything about your personal life as they are random strangers you happen to be working with. Separate work life from personal life. Remember if you make a mistake & are corrected/criticism it's about the mistake - it's not a personal condemnation of your character. Be teachable & take notes when you're being instructed what to do, don't rely on memory alone. Forgive yourself if you make a mistake, it's a new thing you're doing.

As for the personal stresses these are much more difficult because they're stressful situations you have to deal with & your emotions are involved. The move is a temporary stress & there will be an end in sight. Your dad's health is ongoing & that's more uncertain. Take steps now to help deal with stress in healthy ways - eg, a hot bath with epsom salts is relaxing. Going for walks/ exercise, spending time with a friend, listening to happy/uplifting music, moments of mindfulness, deep breathing etc, massages.

Best wishes for your search for a therapist & emotional healing.

[AlaskaSourdough in reply to Quincie]

Yes, you interpreted correctly. I was trying not to say it. I was falsely accused of believing several religious heresies that he was told my church teaches. But he wouldn't believe me when I tried to tell him what I personally believe and what I have experienced my church teaching. He insisted that he was right and broke up with me in a rage of frustration. What really hurts now is that I have discovered through some research I didn't want to do (because I hate reading and sitting still) in every church there are variations of beliefs and we were both right and also both wrong. But now the damage has been done and seems to be not repairable even though we both pledged everlasting friendship regardless of the outcome of courting. He is so emotionally locked up, hostile and bitter I am afraid. The whole situation was not helped by the fact that he is very dyslexic and can barely read and no one knows for sure what I struggle with. I can read regardless of my undiagnosed dyslexia but am not the most studied person unless in an area I am passionate about. Besides, the pain of rejection and Justice Sensitivity has been intense for the last 6 months. It hurts worse than any description of RSD I have read yet--beyond my ability to describe. And it is the only proven way to get rid of me--reject me and I will leave you alone, because I can't handle being where I am not wanted, I will never force myself on someone.I hate reading with a passion. It is so boring that I fall asleep. I literally have to listen to music with lyrics in one ear, hold a conversation with someone in the other ear and then I can focus and read my book. But when I wake up from a nap I feel really sick, sometimes it takes up to an hour to wake back up. The best description of my symptoms that I have found so far is a blood sugar coma nap--very scary thing, not to mess around with. And even with a tiny 15-minute nap I will be unable to sleep the rest of the night, I will be wide awake. I take a very simplistic approach to "theology" and have no use for other people's writings and arguments about the Bible, especially when I can hardly even sit still to read the Bible itself! I have no doubt I am in a good spot doctrinally as I pray often and study when I am able and God understands my limitations. Can any of these things be part of ADHD?

Justice Sensitivity is both, just like you described. It has made it really hard for me growing up to understand why I was being punished because I saw no justice in it since my sister started it but her part was not being addressed. In adulthood for me it causes things like road rage, anger flairs, job self-sabotage and quick decisions to cancel a service for any little discrepancy (my phone is next!). Any injustice, done to myself or another causes me intense feelings.

Thanks for the advice, I think it will help! I wish so bad I could take a hot Epsom salt soak. I have no running water, cooking or washing facilities and have been classified as homeless by the government help agencies. But my location and lifestyle are so rural and different that their programs can't help me. This forced move may turn out to be a blessing in disguise... And worse case scenario I will just camp in my pickup, which I have done before and really enjoyed.

[Quincie in reply to AlaskaSourdough]

Thank you for being more open about open some of the details that have led to your emotional hurts.

I need to encourage you about your new job with this: you have had many different work situations - shift work, self employed, temp etc. This tells me a couple of very positive things about yourself. You are flexible & very adaptable to a variety of work environments, work cultures & personalities. You work hard & are a self starter. Anyone that's temped knows what it's like to walk into a place & figure out what to do based on minimal information. Anyone that's been self employed knows what kind of attitude & work ethic is needed.

As a neutral stranger who is also christian, your friend sounds spiritually immature & controlling. His behavior has red flags for possibly abusive behavior. Noone should be so angry about that topic. As you said the doctrines are areas where different churches agree & disagree. There are a few keys points to agree on to avoid heresy, but a lot of the other positions are not core beliefs.

I hope you can get medical advice on the sleep problems - the blood sugar crashes etc & I hope you can find a therapist to help with the emotional healing. In the meantime you can do prep work by praying for emotional healing & forgiving yourself - when you realize you overreacted in the past - & forgiving others. It may be discovered that the Justice sensitivity started back in childhood with your sister's poor treatment of you & has compounded over time. Certainly discussing this with a therapist would help. I strongly encourage you to pray about this (more than once) & try this exercise: recall a bad memory where you were mistreated & ask Jesus to heal the wound in your soul. The goal is to recall the memory without the emotional pain & it may take a few times. If your church has ppl you trust who can pray for you, ask for this.

Some memories may be too much to handle - leave these for the therapist, but you may be able to clear smaller hurts, more trivial ones - eg a road rage moment. Praying about it may lead to God nudging you to repent about the anger flare up or forgiving the driver who cut you off & then forgiving yourself for not having more self control.

I understand perfectly about finding reading hard. But there's audio Bibles online & you might find listening while doing something else works. Or listening to worship music & doing something with your hands is a way to both relax & be spiritually nourished. Some ppl find a handicraft like crochet relaxing or jigsaw puzzles or adult coloring books.

I hope you get your accommodation sorted. If you end up in your campervan a collapsible square basin used to wash dishes is a good size for a foot soak & the magnesium in the epsom salts is relaxing & helps with sleep. I will 🙏 for you if that's ok.