Overwhelmed and Scared

[catalinazamora]

I am currently working in a position that is way over my ability. Now in the past I have been able to work at the highest level secretarial desks even though I am a clerk and was paid for it. I was doing great at this desk until I asked to be compensated for working out of class. I was denied. Now it has become a game of lets focus on what I do wrong, and my mistakes. Rightfully so, my confidence is to the ground with the dirt. I have no motivation at work, my performance has gone way down and my focus is at a zero. I cry a lot at work. I don't know what to do. I work in HR and they are not people that will help me. I have been here 28 years and am not close to being able to retire. I feel so depressed I can't stand it. They know about my ADHD, and am seen as the liability here at work. My great reputation that I had for years is gone.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community.

What you're going through now sounds like something that I went through at one employer. After earnings a good reputation for several years because of my skills and dedication, all that changed after getting transferred under the worst manager I've ever had. (The organization lost at least a few good people on his watch, and my own reputation was damaged...he was subtly gaslighting me before I ever heard her term.)

• The anxiety was so bad that even after in got another, better job, I absolutely needed counseling. That's how I got diagnosed with ADHD.

I've moved on, and my income has finally gone up (though I don't see the increase, because my expenses have gone up, too). But, at least I now have a better job with a better manager. I hope that I never see that difficult manager ever again...but that experience cost me some professional relationships.

You might have to move on, like I did. Even as much time as you have at your employer, keep in mind that employers rarely have the employees' best interests in mind. They always have to act in the best interest of the organization. Gone are the days of working at the same employer for 40 years until you retire with a pension.

~~~~~

You may need counseling or therapy, like I did. Don't let the current circumstances determine your feelings of self worth.

[Mamamichl]

May I ask what changed from getting good to being a liability? Did they start putting responsibilities on your plate that you didn’t want? It may be time to find another job if they aren’t listening to your needs. No one should feel this way at work. I am about to leave a job that I just started in October because it’s unsafe and I’m being blamed for my own injuries and forced to stay in an unsafe classroom. We have to make sure we take care of ourselves first and foremost, or we will regret our lives.

[Mamamichl in reply to Mamamichl]

Remember: you can ask HR to be transferred as well, so you stay in the company but change your environment if that’s an option.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Mamamichl]

One can ask HR to transfer with the organization, but HR isn't obligated to make it happen.

When I had an issue working under a particular manager, HR was no help.

• If I had kept detailed records of all the issues, I might have had some leverage. That's my advice: document everything that's wrong with the situation in writing with dates, times, and listing witnesses (if there are any...a lot of the problems that I experienced with the manager or the director over him were without the presence of any witnesses).

[Mamamichl in reply to STEM_Dad]

I fully agree about documentation. It got me out of a bind with a supervisor that micro managed to the point of causing student behaviors.

[Jozlynn]

Welcome!

If I'm understanding your position correctly, from a US standpoint - your position is similar to what mine was - an executive assistant position. I went from being an administrative assistant (usually supports multiple lower-level execs - like directors - with basic admin tasks) to being an executive assistant (usually supports 1-3 upper-level C-suite executives, like CEO or CIO)16 years ago and it was a bit of a shocker for me. The difference in those 2 roles is pretty significant. As an AA, you're responsible for basic admin, but as an EA, you're expected to truly step up your game and you basically become someone's personal assistant, available to them all the time.

If I'm wrong about that, I think the rest of this still applies.

For me personally, about 4 years before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I started failing miserably at a job I had excelled at for 25 years. I am a damn good executive assistant...usually...but it was like I had a mental block, keeping me from actually DOING work that I normally did without thinking. I genuinely couldn't understand why the role had become SO difficult for me and I was really beating myself up for it. Like you, I would cry at work almost daily because I would drop the ball on things that seemed so straightforward and easy. I didn't understand why until I was diagnosed.

If the job isn't a good fit for you, if the job doesn't inspire interest or at the very least cause a high self-regard for your ability, if it's boring in ANY way, etc., sometimes our executive functioning just WON'T behave.

It's not your fault. You are NOT a failure.

Aside from being diagnosed and medicated, just knowing that the struggle was due to my executive functioning issues helped - at least it helped with all the negative internal input. It allowed me to set up strategies that worked with my ADHD brain to help me get things done. Honestly though, I wound up moving away from the job because my lack of enjoyment (at that point in my life) in the role made it beyond challenging every day to do a good job and not a half-assed job. Now I own a virtual assistant agency supporting people with ADHD - because my heart is in it, allowing me to do a good job with it.

Maybe the role just isn't for you, but that does NOT mean you're not capable. You're just not in the right "fit" for you, maybe?

Whatever you do, please don't stay in a role that decimates your mental health. I couldn't believe the difference in me during the time I stayed at work while crying every day. I became a bit of a shell of myself - someone who is usually quite confident.

Sending hugs!