Have you ever had someone ask you why you did something and you couldn’t answer them? I feel like I search for answers and sometimes fill in the holes in the aftermath, but the truth is that I don’t know. A thought pops in my head and I just act on it. Happily married for more than a decade? But flirt with everyone who’ll give you the attention. A thought pops in my head about an inappropriate topic (like sex, suicide, etc.)? Talk about it! Have an entertaining story to share? Share it at the bar and get labeled as drunk when you’re high on attention, not alcohol. I feel like a weight that my spouse has to carry. An embarrassment he has to explain away. My constant insecurities force him to dispute them, yet it’s all for nothing. Because, I don’t believe him anyway. I set a terrible example for my kids. And it’s getting worse. I’m like a teenager with no self-control, always letting my loved ones down. I fall short everyday. And I’m just so tired of feeling like a failure, a fuck-up, the girl who can’t keep a job and can’t avoid trouble and certainly can’t be depended on for anything… The person who finds ways to destroy everything she loves. I don’t deserve my husband. I don’t deserve all of the blessings I’ve been given. I smack them away at every turn. I break them into pieces and throw them back ruined. And even when I’m feeling like I’m doing better and fitting in, I find out (like a punch in the gut) that I’m not. I’m “too much” again. And after 39 years of this consistent letdown, I’m beginning to scare myself. I’m thinking things I can’t stop thinking. Thoughts of why I keep putting people through this. He believes with his whole heart that I’m good, that I bring more joy and happiness into his life than all the negative things that come with loving me. And yet, deep down, I know he’ll find out the truth. I’ll finally do something that he won’t be able to forgive. He’ll learn how I talked about sex with some random guy and gave him the impression I’m game for an affair (which I’m not). Or I’ll kill our kids in some burst or road rage. Or some other unforgivable sin. And he’ll never look at me the same. He’ll stay with me out of duty, faithfulness, devotion. But he won’t love me like he does now. He’ll see me for the disappointment I am and it’ll be ruined like everything else. I see it coming. I know it. And though I’m usually the naive one (the one who never sees the bad in a person till it’s too late), that’s him this time. He’s the naive one, fooled into believing I’m worth this. And I’m not. I never was. So how can I keep putting him through it? Because, I’m the end, the cycle is never broken. He waits for the storm to pass and for my self pity to end, but I’m beginning to realize it’s unfair to keep putting him through it. He could have so much better.
The Never-ending Cycle — Impulsivity ... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
The Never-ending Cycle — Impulsivity and Regret
Want to solve your problem? Have your doctor prescribe Naltrexone. I've been there and done that and my ADHD psychiatrist prescribed this and it nipped it in the bud...along with a few other things. I felt my life changed in ways I never imagined. Been on it for a few years now and thriving. My wife says I've changed quite a bit for the better. Friends appreciate what I've done. Arguing has gone away.
Naltrexone is normally used for addiction. It works to fill up your opiate/reward center in your brain. Once that's filled up, your neurons will flow to your prefrontal cortex where your rational thinking is. My genius Pscy/Neurologist explained to me that this is how you train your brain and eventually it becomes habit. It's worked so well that I often forget I have ADHD.
Very interesting. Is it low dose naltrexone?
Do you have to stay on it once you’ve “trained” your brain?
Thanks.
Thanks, I'll certainly look into it.
Do you take anything else besides the Naltrexone? I’m curious because I take Vyvanse for binge eating and my ADHD and when I’ve gone without it (due to shortages), it’s pretty much impossible for me to manage all of my responsibilities, plus my impulsive eating and spending begins to spiral out of control again. I can relate to DaffyDaisy in many ways, although the issues don’t necessarily present in the same way. Even on the Vyvanse, I still struggle with things like balancing my emotions and maintaining my relationships, especially my marriage. I know that there is no such thing as a magic pill. I also go to therapy and try to maintain an exercise routine, but I can just get so consumed by the feeling of being such a fuck up and failure. I often think that my kids could have a better mom if my husband were to divorce me and find a woman who is better suited for motherhood and being a wife. I feel like my husband would be so much happier too. I hate feeling like I’m dragging the people I love the most down in their lives.
Did you steal this from my journal?! Lol. It’s so relatable, is my point. I am able to feel compassion for you, but not myself. That’s what I think we are supposed to start with - Acceptance and compassion. You’re not trash. I’m newly diagnosed and just starting to put the puzzle pieces together, so I don’t have answers. But I can tell you, you aren’t the only one. And I bet if I was the one sharing this, you’d show compassion to me. Try to find that for yourself. Hugs.
Newly diagnosed, too. Just knowing others do the same is actually kind of a relief. Thank you. ❤️
Me too 100% you are not alone, ive sent you a message as I wrote an essay!!! as have been speaking a lot with a therapist recently. You're so normal, Lots of love to you. You've got this!
Not quite 'normal'... But I appreciate it. Thanks for the message. ❤️
I can relate. That feeling of just knowing that these are the cards you’ve been dealt and not knowing if you will ever be able to gain control of your behavior is so overwhelming and exhausting. 😢
Yes, that's it. Exactly.
Hi, actually finding this quite encouraging - not to be ultra dismissive - I very much get it cld come off like that but I really struggle with impulsivity too - altho it's a bit confusing bcos I'm only awaiting a potential ADHD diagnosis (in 4 1/2 yrs time when I can speak to a psychiatrist - I live in UK and in Scotland, specifically, in Scotland, specifically you can't get to a psychiatrist for 4 1/2 yrs in my area at least). My potential ADHD symptoms are complicated a lot by the fact that I have an autism diagnosis already so is it more that than ADHD - very overlappy symptoms). I find it hard to love myself.
I also overthink a lot with my autism and take on other people's thoughts, feelings, emotional reactions (if that's different to feelings), and behaviours - thinking I think, feel, do those things when they don't apply. Sometimes it comes and goes for months/years, example of this: thinking I smoke cos I heard someone else say they do and I know I don't.
So this overthinking autism trait makes it really hard to know what I actually experience and as well I don't tend to remember how I feel/what I thought when I'm not in the sitn either bcos of my autism so that makes it hard to knw hw mch my ADHD-like symptoms are actlly ADHD. My language processing isn't working, sorry, so hope this makes sense. Wording is hard right now.
So relatable abt impulsivity I really struggle with that.
Love to you all xxx I hope you all find sltns.
It makes me feel hopeful hearing abt newly diagnosed pple tho who are still figuring it out.
As you can see here it's easier for me to write short statements.
Also trying to work out impulsivity issues as a Christian is hard.
I feel neurodiversity is not understood in church, well.
Or impulsivity.
The idea is I shld jst walk with God more, pry mre, etc.
Yes, I have heard the same advice, PurpleLovely. And I suppose, when I'm focusing more on Bible study and prayer, it can help to a certain extent. Of course, not with the root of it all. I can't pray away my ADHD. It's similar to meditation for me. But like most 'fixes,' I get off-track or something messes with the routine or I just stop or I do something stupid and get discouraged. Everything I do to help my issues always stops helping at some point.
I have a child with autism who exhibits a lot of co-occurring disorders, like ADHD and OCD. Having an umbrella disorder like that must be very difficult. That's what his specialist calls it because she says many other disorders and complications go hand-in-hand with autism.
Yeah, it is. But I like to think if you're quite neurodiverse (as in more than one/several) then you also have more talents 
Apprntly, I can't possibly have OCD either even tho I exhibit a lot of traits (bcos of my autism diagnosis, so it's obviously that - from my mental health nurse).
I've been stuck on rdng all the sad posts abt ADHD - try additudemag.com/
Ttlly distracted (mybe autism rltd), stck on stff and no motivation have medication, exhstd (partly cold, fluey, cough, headachey thng) and cn't rmber wht sppsd be doing. (Now lkd up but no energy do it cos wstng energy on distraction lkng up ADHD posts makng myslkf sad). Aaaaaaah! Ddn't nd mke myself sad, knw it was gng to but had to do it anywy like alwys - lkng up stff - ADHD impulsivity/autism impulsivity/OCD impulsivity, dn't knw. I fl I fld. WOW! Catastrophised so fast there is that elemnt of ADHD crtnly of autism.
Flng bit cnfsd.
Srry if I rpt myslf rlly trd and cn't seem to rtn lng engh wht I've jst wrttn - poor wrkng mmry autism.
Longing for therapy 
I’m sorry to keep posting
The wait is unbearable and seems never-ending...
ADHD work accommodations
