Husband is struggling

[kroeder96]

My husband is 55 and has never been diagnosed with ADHD, but our daughter was in middle school (now 23) and it runs in his family (mainly diagnosed in the younger generation of nieces/nephews). He has lost three jobs in two years - the first was a long term job where he basically couldn't keep up anymore with the pace and became frozen in his decision making which led to a bad decision ending his time there. The other two were jobs that he ended up having significant anxiety around and ended up quitting after having panic attacks. I have always believed he demonstrated several of the same things I saw in our daughter, but he's never been tested. It has gotten significantly worse in the last five years as he has gotten older. He is scheduled to meet with a doctor who will test him for ADHD. My concern - and why I am seeking advice - is that over the years he has learned to mask the signs and has developed coping mechanisms (if this is truly ADHD). He is not convinced that he has it and it almost seems like a competition to prove that he is right and I am wrong about this - long story. Will a doctor be able to see through the masking? Will they ask for my opinion about his behavior like they did when we had my daughter tested? Any guidance would be appreciated.

[StanleyThyroid]

It's a tricky one. Once I was diagnosed this year suddenly things that had happened started to make sense. The stimulants that I take make a big difference to my productivity and energy. I was in a similar spot to your husband in that I was getting marked down for attention to detail and struggling with the workload that eventually got me eased out.

At the end of the day though if you're not a willing participant then even if you are adhd you won't find a better way. I am so much more relaxed about my past now I know why but some people will still see a stigma with a diagnosis. I wish you both well.

[STEM_Dad]

Doctors ask probing questions, but it's up to the patient how they will answer. If your husband is open enough to tell his doctor about these struggles that he has been going through, then the doctor might pick up on the ADHD traits.

If the same doctor has been treating your daughter for ADHD, then they might pick up on the family connection.

Unless you are the legal caretaker for your husband, you cannot be in the exam room with him at the doctor unless your husband wants you to be there. If you are in the room, then you might be able to ask those kinds of questions.

Before the appointment, I'm sure that you could get a message to the doctor to express your concerns about your husband.

~~~~~

About 4 or 5 years ago, I went to a doctor about stress and anxiety, and the pain that it was causing in my stomach. He examined me and ran tests, but he couldn't find anything physically wrong with me, so he recommended that I try counseling.

3 years ago, I finally went to counseling, because I had gotten a new job and had gotten away from the manager and the job that had caused me so much stress, but the anxiety did not let up. It was while I was going to counseling that I asked the counselor to please evaluate me for ADHD. She did, and several weeks later I had my ADHD diagnosis.

It was the very next week that I met with the same doctor, and he also assessed me for ADHD, and gave me a second opinion confirmation of the diagnosis. Same doctor, same patient, same symptoms (minus the stomach pain)... But the conversation was very different, because I was the one who brought up the concerns about having ADHD.

I had been masking up to the age of 45, I only started to question whether I had ADHD or not a few years before that, but previously would have denied that I could have it, because I did not understand ADHD well enough.

[STEM_Dad]

Instead of focusing the conversation about your husband's struggles at work on ADHD, focus on the struggles themselves. He should understand that you love him and care about his well-being. Encourage him to share with his doctor what the struggles are that he's experiencing.

Trouble with maintaining focus, inattentiveness, distraction, and impulsivity can all look like carelessness. They can also appear to be other problems which can appear in middle-aged adults, like a hormonal imbalance, or the effects of a poor diet and inadequate exercise, or other things.

I know that the anxiety that I experienced made my ADHD present as more severe than usual. But anxiety or depression can also exhibit as struggles with attention.

It's important that your husband's doctor consider all the possibilities, in order to assess him properly for a complete diagnosis. It may just be ADHD, or he might get a differential diagnosis like I did (ADHD and anxiety).

So, like I suggested, focus on the symptoms. Maybe, if you're present at the doctor appointment, you can mention how your husband's struggles remind you of your daughter's, which are due to ADHD.

[Poppy234 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks for this response. Yes anxiety and stress really makes the symptoms worse.

[kroeder96]

Thank you all for your insights. He has not shared the name of his doctor with me, but I know he has the assessment later this week. This has been going on for a long time and I have done all the things to try and help him, but he told me after he quit this last job (he was overwhelmed, working 10 hour days, never feeling like he was keeping up) after three months, that he wanted to do this on his own. I am trying to have faith that he is actually doing it. It is putting a huge strain on our marriage of 28 years. But he has told me he is meeting with the psychiatrist for the assessment and a therapist for regular therapy. The last time he tried therapy, the therapist released him after six visits because she told him he didn't need it anymore. That was when he was having panic attacks. He went on an anti anxiety medication and he stopped having the panic attacks. I don't believe he really shared with the therapist. After he lost that particular job, he went off the medication. So to this day, he doesn't believe that the medication or the therapy worked. The irony is that he has had a career in education for over 30 years and he was in a role where he was literally helping students with the same issues and helping them get therapy and medical assistance. I'm just so tired of dealing with this. I have told my adult children that I can't hide it anymore - things are not great, not even good. I am not going to pretend any longer.

[Netjester]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have to be honest with you here. Most doctors are not going to see through it and many will assume that he knows what he's doing when he says that he doesn't have it. You need to see a psychiatrist/neurologist that solely specializes in ADHD in order to get the best diagnosis and treatment plan. An ADHD Specialist will get a DNA test from you to help with the diagnosis and treatment plan.

For the record, I am 57 and was diagnosed with ADHD at 45 years old. I hopped from job to job until I understood more about the cards I was dealt. Then my psych gave me the right treatment plan and tools to help me deal with the anxiety that comes with ADHD. I am thriving now and it's never too late. Exercise, Meditation and the right medication will help him conquer the craziness that is going on through his head right now. My guess is that his opiod receptors are controlling his brain vs. his pre-frontal cortex. Once you can fill up those opiod receptors, then your brain will function properly. That's why you need medication, exercise, etc...

What you should be prepared to do is be there with him and speak up to the doctor. Let the doctor know what you see. Here is a list of things to observe and let the doctor know about:

1. Does he have a messy car? Hoarding Tendencies? (Classic ADHD)

2. Poor financial managemenet?

3. Unable to stay employed due to perceived stress?

4. Lots of projects (big or small) that go unfinished?

5. Goes to the grocery store and gets more than what's on the list and always forgets something.

6. Is able to hyperfocus on something fun to him, such as gaming, sporting event, fantasy football...porn???

7. Hypersensitivity to things like tags in his shirts, pants, different scents.

8. Sexual Activities (Loss of interest, hypersexual, etc...)

9. Poor Impulse Control (tied to opiate receptors. ADHD people feel good when they are impulsive)

10. Lots of arguing (this is tied to opiate receptors. ADHD people feel good when they argue.)

11. Lots of other things that you've probably observed that you can also bring to the table. The way my doctor described to me about my sons adhd was that his brain basically looks like the inside of his backpack and if its a disorganized mess, then his brain is in the same condition.

Now for some good stuff. The DNA test revealed that I couldn't take Ritalin, but I could take Adderall. This was after a previous doctor blindly prescribed Ritalin. No wonder it didn't work. My current psychiatrist also put me on supplements because my body doesn't process folic acid properly. I was put on Namenda to help with arguing. It worked wonders. After about 9 years with him, we started tackling my impulse control and I was put on Naltrexone and that changed my life to the point that I asked to be taken off of Adderall and haven't needed it since. So now I only take 3 medications, exercise and do meditation twice per day and I'm so much better than before.

If your husband is worried about the medication, there are non-stimulant medications for ADHD. Also, stimulant medications react differently to people with ADHD. You aren't always jacked up. It actually will make you tired because it's exercising your brain and forcing you to use your pre-frontal cortex.

If you have anymore questions or want more info, I'm more than happy to chat. Please feel free to send me a DM and I can give you my real email or phone.

Good Luck... It's not easy being the spouse or parent of those with ADHD. My wife is a saint for this.

[Jazz_Hands in reply to Netjester]

Hi Netjester and all who can help advise,

How did you get your doctor to ask for dna test? I was given a drug without much of an evaluation. Im low income insurance so waiting 3 months to even see a psychiatrist and it was a telehealth visit at that. I am super suspicious of this method of psychiatry. I feel like a lab rat. The medication was terrible and i had a panic attack and crying fit in the middle of my vacation with my husbands foreign family. Not my typical emotional behavior at all!!! I may also be perimenopausal which adds a whole layer to figuring out this process and no one even seems to ask about that. I have huge trust issues with doctors not listening, not testing enough and not even being the one whom i talk with on a regular basis for therapy. A 30 minute evaluation via telehealth is not enough to prescribe brain altering medications in my opinion. Does anyone know what my rights are? What i can ask for? What tests actually measure the chemical levels of the brain? This process feels unscientific - subjective - and regulated by how much money/insurance one has. Any advice from anyone here would be helpful. Thanks so much

[Knitting20projects]

I think most well trained psychiatrists can see through masking. I mean, unless your husband flat out lies and says he has zero symptoms of anything and that “my wife made this appointment, I don’t need to be here.” The life trajectory you’re describing of job loss is very suggestive of executive functioning difficulties, and unless he had zero difficulties in childhood and literally was totally fine until 3-5 years ago, then a psychiatrist should be able to figure out ADHD is very high on the list. If he had a different history (for instance, he was a football player for the NFL, he had a head injury and was normal until then, he had brain surgery and was normal until then, etc) they would be taking that into account. Plus, they’re evaluating how he’s interacting and his impulse control, speech patterns, interrupting, excessive talking, etc during the visit. If they are unsure and feel he’s not giving much useful information, they can have you fill out additional forms etc. I would also recommend, if you are interested in couples counseling, looking for someone experienced in couples who have ADHD. My husband and I started counseling recently for marital stress & I have recently diagnosed ADHD (age 50). It definitely affects our relationship!

[Laviedamocha]

I suspect your husband probably does realise what’s going on. It’s hard to come to terms with and there’s a genuine feeling of shame and embarrassment for some. He may be feeling like he’s failed you and the family, that he’s smart and needs to figure this out himself. Even if he somehow manages to trick a Dr there are clearly aspects of his life that aren’t working out for him right now. Perhaps helping him to address the symptoms he has and focus on his coping and organising methods initially will help him to build his confidence and reduce his anxiety to enable him to open up more with you. A fresh look at his career choice even at this age can be a real boost. If possible encourage him to try something in an area he is passionate about. Hyper focus can also be his friend!