Questions forcbetter strategies for my ADHD husband who cannot plan ahead

[WK572023]

He gets an offer or invite or a last minute thing happens. It seems that is the only most important moment of the day. As the non adhd wife i feel left out of those decisions. I understand the nature of ADHD, however some tips for a spouse to handle this would be helpful. It is difficult not to get angry or feel hurt at times. It comes across as selfishness & that he is only concerned with what he has going on. How to get him to push the pause button in these moments…?

[Iside]

My husband has made these decisions for years without these strange diagnosis !!!!

It’s called Life !!!

[Wasted71years]

Hi WK572023

Maybe the ADHD attracts him to the bright shiny new thing or invitation, but he also needs to support your needs. I have found that very clear and specific communication is important to make this happen between a neurotypical and an ADHD partner.

My wife will tell me the things she most cares about - we planned to do xxx together or she needs me to be with her for some purpose at yyy time. I set timers or calendar reminders so that I can see that and make certain to be there.

When she hasn't specifically requested something she and I know she is liable to find me impulsively doing something novel and unaware she might be doing something different. It is okay because we have worked out how to show that she is important to me and that I can overcome the distractions to be dependable for those clearly stated things.

this has to be specific to the thing and the time. I wouldn't know what to do with a request like "make sure we have discussed plans before you decide to do anything". You may not see this as any more difficult than the specific request like 'lets go shopping this afternoon" but at least for me, making general commitments to 'pay attention' or 'not get distracted' are unachievable.

I don't know if this will work for you, but it is important to have good communications about how you feel when you had some plan and he unilaterally choses a new direction. Work together to find ways to address the more important cases, whether it is the method that worked in my marriage or something else you discover.

[WK572023 in reply to Wasted71years]

Thank you so much. Putting this in my back pocket!!

[Gettingittogether]

Be really specific and concrete. You need him to take one minute to text you. Or he needs to call you because there may be things he needs to do on that day that in the moment he has forgotten about.

You also on important days send him a note reminding him of errands or whatever he has to do after work.

You also might need a specific number for him. It's OK for him to change plans at the last minute once every two weeks or once a month or once a week. Whatever. Get really ridiculously concrete and specific.

A subtle tip: men tend to have this thing of turning their wives into mothers, nagging mothers. You, the wife, become the "adult" in the relationship and the responsible one---and he then occupies the immature teenager role. One way out of this dynamic for you is to focus on how much you WANT to see him and how much you enjoy seeing him and how much you are looking forward to seeing him--which then gets disrupted by his last minute plan. It's tempting to use "responsibility" and guilt and being adult and all of that. Unfortunately, that doesn't really work for most people and definitely not so great for ADHD folks.

You want to stay out of the nagging, responsible mother role (and I realize how ridiculously hard that is when your husband isn't doing his duties---not saying this is easy) which then triggers him to fall into the irresponsible kid role. Mom and a kid don't have romance.

[WK572023 in reply to Gettingittogether]

U got that right. That dynamic is what seems to be happening here. It is difficult. I like ur suggestions on concrete & specific. I will refer to this when this comes up aga in. Thank you!