Hi - I am looking for support and encouragement to help me get ready to take a leap of faith over my huge chasm of self-doubt

[livinglifeincircles]

I'm a 47-year-old who was diagnosed with ADHD by a doctor back in 2015...shortly after my six-year-old son was diagnosed. It made total sense that I had it as well as I listened to the evaluations for my son. Man, if only I had gotten the help in school he is receiving now...and the understanding by those around me...and the support from my parents that I am now able to give him.

I've been pretty good at masking my shortcomings (which I didn't know were symptoms of ADHD) my whole life - but felt stupid and shameful plenty of that time. I got by the best I could with mostly B's in school...except math, which I always considered myself "allergic" to. (Which I am now learning is most likely dyscalculia.) I graduated college with a BFA in Communication Design, mostly by the seat of my pants because I was completely overwhelmed by my inability to manage time, not procrastinate all the time, focus, understand, etc. The ideas and creativity I have in my head never quite made it "into production" because my brain works way better than my graphic design skills - or my ability to learn the programs - or I didn't carve out enough time to execute them in time to hand them in. I have SO much shame in what I feel is my lack of achievement in my professional career and it's completely got me stuck in my current life situation. I am absolutely stuck by fear and not knowing what I am even good at or qualified to go after based on what I have accomplished so far. (Safe and boring, barely creative jobs.) What I do know down in my soul that I could do, is something I don't know how to go after. It's somewhat within my wheelhouse of design but I think I am so afraid of feeling stupid or shameful about what my portfolio of work should have looked like by now, that I stay hidden.

If I could do anything in the world, I would work in theme park design and create immersive design experiences. My brain is filled with them 24-7. It is both effortless and exciting for me to come up with these magical experiences for people and I think if I could, I would work in that industry until I'm old and gray. Okay, I'm somewhat getting to the old and gray part, but I just feel so overwhelmed about what to do next based on what I have to show. Boring, non-creative graphic design work . I am a creative thinker and a concept designer. I want graphic designers to help put my visions and storyboards onto paper. I would even work for free for several months with a creative company to make sure it's a good fit for both of us. I know I could do it if I could just get my foot in the right door at the right company. I just don't know how to find that door...and it takes a Herculean effort for me to look because I feel I am going to be judged or questioned by a lack of a portfolio. Plus I am a first-generation college student so just feel so lost with what I should have done or what I should do now...any Disney Imagineers out there that want an apprentice?

I am just so tired of being stuck. And I feel useless and worthless because my anxiety and depression are a result of my ADHD and low self-esteem. I NEED to do something to bring more money into my family and I am a hard worker - a hyper-focus animal when something interests me - and I just need to be shown that next step.

Thanks for listening....

[Gettingittogether]

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, ADHD takes a devastating toll and yes, if you have creative desires, ADHD can be so demoralizing. Hard to finish work, hard to start and define work, hard to meet deadlines--hard to do everything at once.

You don't say whether or not you are being treated. If you want to change your life, that will take some time--can't flick a switch, but you can flick a number of switches.

Think about meds.

Think about coaching or therapy. Losing confidence is something therapists deal with all the time, ADHD or not. Plus, we ADHD have the same non-ADHD challenges (family dysfunction of various kinds) than non ADHD people have.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a phrase you want to start reading about--most of the best ADHD researchers recommend CBT for people with ADHD. CBT challenges distortions and thinking that is demoralizing and just negative. You have to find the right therapist. But seriously CBT is increasingly seen as a necessary part of treatment for older folks, because the meds won't fix our wounds, our pain, our history of failure and hiding in the past.

Meds & therapy work really well together. Just take 5 minutes and look up therapists in your area ... call one ... don't like call another ....

[livinglifeincircles in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thanks so much for writing back! I am on medication for the anxiety/depression caused by the ADHD, but I haven't found an ADHD med that really works for me but I do wonder if I just didn't go on a high enough dosage...

I had a wonderful CBT coach and went once a week for one year. Learned a TON of tools - ASMR, fact vs. feeling, distortion thinking, and I was able to apply it to just about everything in my life except this part. The fear part of moving past where I am and will it be any better and will I be any good at what I try next. Guess I have more work to do on this one specific area. TOTALLY agree that CBT should accompany medication. Excellent advice!

I think I need to hire an ADHD career coach to walk me through this...

[BlueTrails]

Right there with you. Same story. I’m in the middle of a career change, which is both so exciting and terrifying at the same time. Two things have been huge for supporting this journey: coaching and self-compassion work. I’ve been working with a coach who has helped me get clarity around those little steps that I need to take and an incredible support in the big scary steps that felt like stepping off the edge of a cliff. The self-compassion work has involved going through Kristen Neff’s Self-Compassion Workbook. I don’t think I could have taken even the tiny steps towards my new career without gaining a sense of self-worth and compassion that I’ve gained through it.

Good luck! Those ideas rattling around all of our incredibly creative ADHD brains deserve to be shared! Our world needs those amazing creative experiences in YOUR brain that will bring joy!

[livinglifeincircles in reply to BlueTrails]

Hi BlueTrails - thank you for the encouragement and I'm going to check out that workbook! Best of luck to you on your journey and thank you for sharing where you are in your life - it helps me know I'm not alone. One day, if I ever make it big, I'm going to hire all of us ADHDers with genius brains and hyperfocus super-powers! We deserve to feel success and accomplishment too!

[Loutysonsmith in reply to livinglifeincircles]

Hi there

Well you have just described my life and current career situation to a t. Seriously.

I've been literally stuck since last October when I ground to a halt and couldn't function anymore. I'm ADHD, post menopausal and have anxiety and depression too.

I haven't worked since last year and so my life is pretty messy right now.

I have no idea what I could and should do to earn a living now despite knowing that I am intelligent and capable. I just don't know what to do.

I'm just starting to feel able to think about it. Exciting yes. Terrifying also yes. Don't want to go back to dling what I've done in the past.

Brain in overdrive 😉

[Michi-can-draw]

Hello,

I enjoyed reading your post. You have a way with words. What a great personality. It comes out in your writing. There were some things you mentioned that reminded me of myself (1st to graduate college, allergic to math, super creative, feelings of stupidity and inadequacy in organizational areas that other people appear to “just get”…etc.

I am on this site for my son who drives me up the wall, but I love him and will never give up on him.

I had great parents, but… God forgive me…they were super ignorant when it came to my academic needs. I excelled in Language Arts, music and creativity. My artistic skills could have probably lent to a second career. But my difficulties lied in my short term memory and inability to grasp mathematical steps, concepts , scientific formulas and ideas. Graphs, charts, data… forget about it. I have felt super stupid.

I ended up becoming an ELA teacher ( 20 yrs.) and yes, I have been asked to analyze data, so I do what I can and just admit it’s not my forte.

This year I was asked to move into an administrative role. I’m a people person and good at solving social problems. So I guess that’s why I was asked to accept this new position. I declined at first but after being asked several times and offered the opportunity to try it out first, I agreed. But, it did feel humiliating when those in charge of budgeting for next year called me to figure out my new salary. “Are you certified in this?” No. “Do you have training in…?” No. “Do you have your masters?” No. And the questions went on. Talk about feeling inadequate.

They still gave me the job… who knows what my salary will end up looking like since all those questions mattered. The good news is I will be working right along side the principal and like you, all the ideas I have had to make this a really cool and exciting place, I now have liberty to do.

So circling back to you. Here’s my advice. I don’t know if you are a Christian or not but one thing I’ve learned to do was pray for God’s will and accept my deficiencies as strengths because I’ve had to learn how to compensate for them- creating strength in memorization strategies, and eventual organizational concepts that DO NOT come to me naturally. You are HIS beloved daughter my friend and there is great purpose in our deficiencies. Mainly, they help us help others. I heard that the Lord is not so much concerned with our comfort as much as he is our salvation,

I hope and pray that someone in your life or on this site can see your potential and give you a chance as they did me, but if this is not God’s will for you , I also pray that the Lord increase your faith and grace you with complete trust in him that HE knows the plans he has for you. .  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

May you feel abundant satisfaction in your life knowing that he has you.

[livinglifeincircles in reply to Michi-can-draw]

Your reply totally made my day. And I read it yesterday so it made my day today too when I read it again! 😉

Full disclosure, I looked up an ELA teacher to make sure it's what I thought it was - so the fact they thought you were the right person for the job was awesome. I can only imagine how hard that must have been to have to "quantify" your worth when they were asking about your credentials and your salary - I do hope it took them (takes them) no time to realize your 20 years in the field proved your life experience that made them notice you in the first place is beyond valuable.

I am a believer and your words were filled with wisdom and truth. Thank you for the reminder. ❤️

[SilverbackG]

Hi,

I totally relate to everything you wrote. I am 57, diagnosed last year at 56. My Psychiatrist had been treating me for over 10 years for Depression (MDD) and Anxiety (GAD). I had some success on meds, but really only enough to keep me alive (had a breakdown: physical (chronic pain issues gone out of control) and mental (depression and anxiety out of control ) 10 years ago. I did everything they had (Kaiser Permanente) from a 6 week mental health program and a 6 month chronic pain rehab program. Took all of their psych group classes, and they only gave me one-on-one therapy every 5 weeks (maddening!). I had to hire a private therapist, and it was great but didn't last long at $275 a session.

in 2019 I was able to get off the antidepressants, and did Trans Magnetic Brain Stimulation (TMS) for 7 weeks (36 sessions, 5 days a week) and it really helped me, dropping my depression and anxiety assessment scores drop and my symptoms declined.

With the ADHD diagnosis, I demanded weekly therapy. Kaiser was already in trouble for not meeting the needs of their psychiatric patients, so I got a prescription for an entire year of therapy, weekly. It was outsourced, I chose to go with an online company and found a therapist that works with adults. It has been amazing (I have had 30 weeks so far)!

Initially I thought I needed therapy to grieve my life. I felt what you explained in your post. I had so much potential, yet have never reached it! I hid my struggles, and became a hard core Perfectionist. I am very energetic, and I developed strong masking skills. I am highly sensitive and/or deeply empathetic. I would literally morph into the person that I needed to be in any situation, relationship or role in life. I had no idea what my needs were, I was focused on meeting the needs of everyone else. I was a Chameleon. I could make other people see themselves at their best, I could create environments for others to thrive at work or school. I thought it was my "calling" to help others. Bullshit. It was a way for me to feel like I wasn't a loser, on the outside. Inside, I was awful to myself. I was never enough, always waiting for things to fall apart. And they did. I assumed everything was my fault and my responsibility. I had no idea why I couldn't build strong friendships or be open in relationships. I was so sad inside, often lonely. From the outside I looked like I was fine, sometimes even thriving. Then things would collapse.

I am not completely better, yet I am learning more about how to be gentle with myself and supportive. How to focus on myself in a way that is kind and supportive.

I don't have great advice, but I know that if you keep trying to find things that help you learn and grow and accept yourself, life goes better.

[livinglifeincircles in reply to SilverbackG]

Wow, you have been through a lot SilverbackG. Thank you for reaching out to share your experience and encouragement. That is great advice, to be gentle to yourself...I wasn't even aware that I wasn't being kind to myself until I came across this talk with the actor, Wentworth Miller, which was a bit of an "aha" moment for me. I don't know a lot about him but he has some really amazing insight...maybe you will find some encouragement there too: youtu.be/s3e6Pnstx-w(Not working as expected?). I plan on listening to him a bit more to see what else he has to say and learn more about what he's been through.

It's certainly not easy to unlearn decades of negative thinking and low self-esteem, but brains can be rewired and neurons can make new paths so we need to keep telling ourselves it will get better until it does - that we'll get over the hump or hurdle until we actually do. Until then, there are great forums like this were we chat with brave people willing to share their struggles and give advice and encouragement. I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond!

[STEM_Dad]

As someone else pointed out, you have a way with words!

There are different ways to convey creative ideas. Not everyone who can create imagery in their mind can translate that imagery well into graphic design. But, people with diverse talents often make a great team...a visioneer paired with a graphic designer would make a great combo.

(You mentioned imagineering theme park rides. Each one is a major project, involving designers, engineers & safety experts, project managers, skilled construction workers...but each new attraction has to begin with a concept which is pitched in a meeting. The idea doesn't get considered unless someone can describe the vision, painting in words like an author does for a scene in a novel, or as a scriptwriter writes a vision which is translated into a TV show or a movie by a Director, cast, and production crew.)

Maybe look into User Experience Design (UX Design). UX Designers take an idea and begin to flesh it out with simple diagrams, like wire frames, story boards, etc. This doesn't take a lot of artistic talent at the outset, because the focus is on concept development. UX projects can be as simple as sketching out an idea for a webpage, to as complicated as designing an entire theme park.

Also, it's never too late to develop your artistic skills. I just listened to an episode of the ADHD reWired podcast, in which the guest is a Creativity Coach. She coaches people to embrace their creativity, starting at any age, no matter what their skill level. The main idea is that if you want to be a creator, then create... It doesn't matter if your art looks good to begin with, because your skill will continue to develop as long as you're continuing to create. adhdrewired.com/480/

-----

Side note: Have you played the game "Rollercoaster Tycoon"? It's premise is designing a theme park (with ready-made attractions, not ones that you get to customize).

Conversely, in tabletop roleplaying games (RPGs), the game master (GM) uses various means to lead a game campaign. (They might use written notes, off-the-shelf or custom visual aids, and ad-libbed storytelling.) The players see the game in their heads.

* The best known RPG is Dungeons and Dragons (D&D), in which the GM is called the DM, for "Dungeon Master".

* I played D&D during lunch breaks in highschool, and all we had were words to play ... written notes and character sheets, a couple of reference books, and our ad-libbed storytelling. What we players experienced was like a season of a fun, interactive TV series over the course of a semester...and only a few poorly-drawn maps to help us visually.

-----

Imagineering (™ by Disney), or to be less brand specific, "visioneering", is interdisciplinary. It involves taking a concept and developing it into a marketable experience. Imagineers have diverse skill sets, and from what I've seen (from behind-the-scenes videos), they work in teams...some being more detailed artists than others.

[livinglifeincircles]

Thank you STEM_Dad! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I am definitely going to print your reply so I can go through all of your ideas - and take a listen to that podcast!