Happy Holidays to the community X).......Unless.......

[ADHDuderino]

Happy holidays all! It amazes me in this time of an enlightened knowledge of human history how emotive that phrase can be. "Its CHRISTMAS!! We celebrate the birth of Christ!" Unless you are Orthodox of course, in which case that happens in January...Or Pagan...in which case The Yuletide brings Odin's Tree into the house and he wanders far and wide delivering gifts, dressed in green, hood with fur, pointy tall hat, Sleipner the 8 legged horse beneath him sailing the skies (Or coca-cola red, sleigh tied to 8 reindeer). How times have changed, "the naughty list children get Coal!", one would imagine that this is now for the "nice" children, what with the energy crisis etc. But I digress (really? Surely not!) The point of my post was not the varied ancient and otherwise reasons that this time of the year is celebrated. My point was that "Happy Holidays....Unless..it is not". Starting with the dwindling daylight hours and colder weather, many of us will feel a drop in mood, winter blues, S.A.D., whatever you choose to call it. Train delays increase due to "trespasser disruptuon", hospitals fill with the seasonaly expected viral infections, slips and falls from ice, party going "misadventures" and increasingly, the suicidal, both successful and less so.

This tribe is disproportionately represented across several social demographics due to our differences. Prison populations, addiction, thrill seeking "adrenaline junkie" jobs and hobbies but also the depressed and the suicidal.

The holidays are not happy for everyone with ADHD. It is a time full of overwhelm, intense expectations, emotionaly anchored loss and bereavement, failure schema, sensitivity to social injustice and the "unfairness" of life, social anxiety, familial dischord, dissapointment, emotional lability, socialy expected excesses that challenge our hard fought for temperances, tolerences and moderating behaviours. And lets not even discuss the financial impulsivity/guilt/reward complexities and ensueing "January destitution".

We are vulnerable, we feel weak, foolish, misunderstood, overwhelmed, criticised, gas-lit, controlled, incapable and miserable.....pretty average day in ADHD land really...just all of it is MORE so. Big celebrations can feel like we are under some kind of emotional micro-scope. Everything is magnified, both the up's and the down's. The intensity and contrast dials are moved from our our usual "level 10" to "SuperBoost X10, Volume Max, Frequency Max".

Personally, I experience this with the greatest intensity on every occassion the focus of others is to celebrate me or my acheivement (OR the inverse!) as well as the big generic celebrations.

If I choose the focus (public speaking, being a clown, letting it all go to dance and feel free, taking the lead to meet a challenge) then I am all in, find my focus/hyperfocus, flow and "its on!"

But Birthdays (rather not thanks) graduations (didnt attend the first one, went to but absolutely HATED the second one! Left early and miserable to the detriment of the fun my supportive family could have had), praise for work well done from peers makes my skin physically crawl with discomfort and in everyone of these situations, my sympathetic response is triggered, "fight, flight, freeze" is engaged,and most usually, anger (retrograde), guilt, imposter sydrome and even rage can be felt.

"And this has What? to do with the holidays? It just a self indulgent splurge so far!"

True, its therapy, its why I am here, to get "out the pain within". But also, on reflection and consideration, these two situations are connected by more than the fact they are celebratory.

Celebrating others is the best! Celebrating others birthdays, acheivements, passing on my gratitude and congratulations feels good, others "deserve" it.

So why dont I?

I, am an imposter, a fake, a fluke, a "freak of lucky happenstance".

So when I consider Christmas, as long as I get presents that people actually want, I feel good about that, but I am so sensetive that it takes but one raised eyebrow or pause to think "SH@# ANOTHER CR^# PRESENT FAil!!", Same goes for birthdays, leaving parties etc.

I am always grateful for any gift I receive, oftentimes, the later I get it, the more disorganised the delivery, the more I like it. I am judging others by my perceived failings and loving them for "being as crap as me!".

My entire childhood, Christmas's were amazing!! My parents worked their challenging drudging jobs every hour sent and ALWAYS got what we wanted! A BMX, the latest Action Man or ActionForce (GI Joe to our cousins abroad) Science kits, robotic construction, hiking gear, music and then always Books (such a bibliophile!) And without fail (until I was in my 40's no less!) Lego or Mechanno and a Chocolate Orange. They were just incredible, they love making it a big deal, even now with the Grandchildren, coming home can feel like moving house with all that needs to come with!!

But....Had I been "good enough" to "deserve" this?? As a teenager I became more insightful into myself as a child, I HATED myself as a child, vehemontly,fully and with extreme prejudice. I was selfish, self centred, uninsightful, manipulative, fake, egotistical, narcissistic- I guilted people to get what I wanted by crying/stropping/throwing my toys out of the pram.I was cruel to my brother, dishonest (I stole the strawberry Leah, I know I blamed you) I could remember vivdly every single bad thing I had done, every year and my "not being on the naughty list" was fraud at the very least!!!!

Roll on, hating christmas, birthdays etc. for the rest of my life until I had my own child. Then I started to see the same traits in him and hand down my judgements and self loathing to him. A few years later, Diagnosis, I a giant slap in the chops and a realisation that, much like you cant calm a baby when you are angry, until I start to love myself, truely FORGIVE myself for being the little ADHD kid who no-one knew any better about and who had no insight to help outside the neurotypical, then I could not love my own son.

And so it ALL falls into place.ALL of it. Hating celebrations, retrograde depression, a life chasing "how to be a better person, a calmer person, to do the right thing, not to be impulsive, talk over others, ruin relationships, use drink or drugs as medicine. Up to that point I was like a Car full of driving instruction manuals with an illiterate in the driving seat. So to all of you that struggle at this time of year.

Be kind to yourselves.

Cultivate forgiveness for all you feel you were/are that is "wrong".

Let others love you and show love.

Be Kindness.

Big live to you all

🌈🦄🐒 🙏 Peace and good will to all

[LQ4Ever]

Yeah, maybe think about how the word tribe has been co-opted. I would rather not be described as being part of a tribe, because I'm not. Community, yes, tribe, arguably, no. 💯

[ADHDuderino in reply to LQ4Ever]

Apologies LQ4Ever, no offence was intended, I will happily re-edit and replace. As I am sure you are aware, the "flow" of thought and language uses the lexicon of comfort and common usage when "brain dumping". "What Tribe are you?" is a question I have had to answer many times historicaly and so has become a part of my mental thesaurus for many years. I agree that language matters, "with our words we express our minds and with our minds we create and percieve reality". I will be more careful with my edits in future. Happy Holidays 😊

🌈🦄🙊

[MeadowLane5]

thank you for the holiday wishes !! Although a bit late ,, same to you

I truly enjoyed reading your post and I wish more could hear and understand the complexities that being a part of the community entails. I wish my in laws , and many other family members could read your post and maybe just maybe try to realize how unrealistic their expectations are for my 12 year old, how the looks of disappointment and stares and occasional gasps for little things hurt. That my daughter being her authentic self cannot he altered to fit into the holiday schedule.

Thank you for sharing !!