I’m sick of offending people

[Francescatya]

I just realized I still have so much to learn about my faults (impulsivity, arrogance) before I can be the contributor to a better society. I joined a group and within minutes of me being in the zoom meeting I offended everyone. I’m that toxic person despite having sincerely good intentions. This has been a blight on my existence my whole life and I fear even with treatment it’ll never change and I’m just meant for solitude. And I feel uniquely alone. Like I’m so broken I’m beyond repair. I don’t even know what to say. It’s an uphill battle that I’m losing. I wish I could be abducted by aliens and sent to another planet, I feel like I’d relate to them more than I relate to humans. 😿

[Old_Owl]

It sounds like you're really hurting, and I don't know if I have any magic words for you, but I can share my story which feels like it has some similarities.

Most of my life I have felt that all the bad in me out weighed anything good I might have to offer. I felt like I was able to put on a mask and pretend, but inside the mask I was alone, felt angry, scared, depressed and didn't like myself (actually "loath" might be a better term). I was so good with the mask most didn't know the pain underneath and I didn't share it because I thought I was so bad I wasn't worthy of any help, didn't think I could be helped.

About two years ago, I went into a really dark place and the mask no longer worked. It was a bad time. I knew I was depressed and my major concern was making sure my wife would be ok if "anything bad" were to happen to me. I needed a couple of more years to make sure she'd be financially taken care of.

I started seeing a therapist looking for tools to just make it through a little longer, not to be fixed. I didn't think I could be fixed and I didn't think I was worthy of being fixed. But through a lot of therapy and work, I was able to get the depression under control, I started to understand some of the "whys" behind what I was feeling (and understanding the whys are just the beginning).

My ADHD diagnosis has been the latest part of the puzzle and is giving me a better understanding of how I can manage my life and live it- not just extend it to get through the pain for another year or two. And, I finally have something I never thought I would have- hope.

It's still a journey. I still am working on my self esteem, still trying to figure out what works and it's not like I have killed off my depression, but I am gaining more and more skills to fight it (my medication is also helping me with this fight)

That's my story. I don't know much about you, other than what you've posted. If you were a bad person, I would think you wouldn't care about all that negative stuff you listed, instead it is causing you pain and you are beating yourself up over it and feel alone. That points to you being a good person who cares. And while that feeling of loneliness is a truth for you, it's a feeling. Be open to the consideration that all feelings might not always be the truth. There are people out there who can help. Find someone you can work with and take it a step at a time. The inner critic is lying to you, you are worth it.

Wishing you the best in your journey.

[MTA-]

It's hard to give advice without knowing what happened. Specifically, where you in the wrong? As neurodivergent people, we've all been in a position where we've offended a room full of people, despite doing nothing wrong, because we've committed some social faux pas, or missed some social cue. And it could be that after experiencing a lot of that, you're hypersensitive to it, and no one was actually offended, they barely noticed. We've all been there too.

But it sounds like you think you were in the wrong, so let's stick with that.

Let's say you called someone's opinion 'stupid' because you disagreed with it. The answer is empathy. If you had an opinion that others disagreed with, how would you like them to express that? When you don't relate to others, it's easy to forget that we're all alike in important ways, and to treat others like we'd want to be treated ourselves.

We're all just humans trying to get by. If you've ever changed your mind about something, then you'll be able to remember a time when you believed something that you disagree with now. You may even consider that former opinion 'stupid'. So you'll be able to empathize with someone, even if their opinions are objectively wrong or 'stupid'.

As for the shame..., you're not an offensive person, you're a person who did an offensive thing. If it happens a lot, then you're still not an offensive person, you're a person who does offensive things, but has the power of introspection, and is able to do better. Same with toxicity and arrogance, regardless of what you do, these are not what you are.

If you want to relate to others better, then empathy is the important first step. But also remember neurodivergent people have trouble relating to others, but one in five people are neurodivergent. A bit of trouble with social situations is just our bag. But that doesn't mean you can't relate to others, and it doesn't mean you're people aren't out there. Just remember that all humans have more in common than you may realize .

[NYCmom2]

rejection sensitivity is common with ADHD. I suspect that everyone in this forum has stories of embarrassment, disappointment or shame from impulsive speech or actions.

We must forgive ourselves, aim for improvement and not perfection. And remember you’re way ahead of the game because you have the gift of self awareness.

Medication can help with slowing down the impulsivity. Working with a therapist can help with figuring out areas we want to shift and learn new strategies. You can rebuild your self confidence and self esteem - isolation is never the answer.

[wrigleyrose]

I am too! I relate I relate I relate.

I have been trying to figure out why people "take me the wrong way" and now I know what's happening. I worked in a corporate environment for many years and often wondered when I felt the energy in a room change after I spoke - did I say something wrong? Did I say what I meant or did they misunderstand? I spent a lot of time wondering and also apologizing for... (what - I didn't know!). When I found out about ADHD and how it affects communication it was like 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯!

Problem 1 - I was often straightforward and honest instead of diplomatic which apparently was not a plus. I wondered - is it because I am the first person in my family to go to college? Because I grew up blue collar and most of these folks went to Stanford and talked about global issues around the dinner table? What am I doing wrong?

Problem 2 -I also often jumped over people when they were talking (I was afraid I'd forget. I apparently spoke more loudly which made me come across as forceful, which I didn't know AT ALL. I have always thought of myself as timid and anxious in meetings, so I tried to speak up and it often felt bad when I did. Like - was that off topic? Did I go off on a side quest? Was I missing the point?

Problem 3 - Another thing I noticed that bothered people (or at least I sensed bothered people) was that I was more focused on what was "right" and "fair" versus being agreeable - particularly to those in authority. I don't care about authority. I would rather do something well than to play the game of politics - I hate politics. This is something I've had to learn.

Problem 4 - What I just did here which is to talk about myself! I'm trying to relate, but it comes across as selfish.

I hope this gets better for you. It's not fun and sometimes it makes me want to stay at home and just tell everyone to F off. 😇

[ADJB in reply to wrigleyrose]

I'm interested in what you have to say and as it ties in with the OP. I have experienced the chilling effect of group disapproval and it a heavy burden to carry, but there are important things to remember and reasons to keep faith with yourself. Firstly, it is depressingly common in many groups, however constituted, for them to be afflicted by pervasive group-think. This toxic trait is a minefield for those who hold clarity, honesty and sincerity in high regard. My ADHD constitution make it very difficult to navigate the waters of this type of mindset - one which sees any expression of opinion which deviates from theirs as a form of treachery. Through their collective disapproval I have found myself pilloried and told to be ashamed of my beliefs and of my willingness to being open to discussions which might forge an open and uncensored debate. For many years I felt oppressed by the censorship and censoriousness of these group-thinkers. More recently I have experienced a sense of liberation. This liberation has been brought about by a realisation that my free-thinking spirit - my true spirit - has more to offer than the combined determination of my detractors and their blinkered point of view. While this seldom makes me popular I have discovered the cathartic effects of being true to myself which I can now see in stark contrast to my previous attempts to win favour through degrading self-compromise.