Character flaws or ADHD?

[TexasDragonfly]

I wrote this thinking I wouldn't post it - but here goes:

After decades of coping, I finally saw a psychiatrist and my suspicions were verified - in addition to PTSD from childhood abuse, depression, and anxiety, I have ADHD (combined). While it's a relief to address ADHD head-on, it's also challenging since my partner doesn't believe in the diagnosis. She struggles with understanding depression and anxiety as well. For her, it's easier to see behavior as a choice and one should just make other choices. She also sees many of the symptoms as normal or my feelings/experience as blown out of proportion. It's very discouraging.

I'm currently struggling with depression, so I'm struggling to shower, I'm sleeping too much, not doing chores, and am unable to get motivated. It's so frustrating. I'm ashamed and want to do more - so I called my psychiatrist for help. After the call, I felt better - then my partner shot me down asking what my plan was for getting "back into the swing of things"right away but was negative about medicine. Ugh.

I don't know that I need much more than to havea place to voice myself - I appreciate this forum and the folks.

[sharkticon]

I feel your pain. My wife didn't believe me either when I told her about my ADHD Depression and trauma. She thought I was over reacting, lazy and selfish. She is getting therapy for her own trauma now. But still most any time I go to her when I'm upset or struggling with something she immediately goes into a defensive fight or flight mode and becomes hyper critical. And I can't really blame her. I almost lost my job, have fallen into addictions, and have failed to follow through on commitments to our family and community; everything almost ended in a divorce. It's hard to explain to her that I want the same things as her, because her thought is, you must not want it bad enough. And she is right, because of the lack of dopamine, and and trauma, I don't want it bad enough. But it becomes even more impossible when I have zero support. And then each time I piled on another diagnosis, it was like great, another excuse. Which is it, are you depressed or ADHD? And I'm trying to explain to her that it's both. And yeah, she always wanted a game plan.

Hopefully ADHD meds will really help you. Depression meds didn't help me much, but once I started ADHD meds my depression lifted. I've read that they use ADHD meds to help treat emotional regulation in trauma. So I think that is part of why it helped. I can tell that that my ADHD meds on top of helping with the ADHD, I also don't overreact when I get upset. It also helped a lot in avoiding my addictions. So surprisingly they helped with more than just the ADHD.

[TexasDragonfly in reply to sharkticon]

Thank you so much for your response - I feel heard. You nailed it on several levels and made me really think when you said: "It's hard to explain to her that I want the same things as her, because her thought is, you must not want it bad enough. And she is right, because of the lack of dopamine, and and trauma, I don't want it bad enough." Yes! Exactly!

I'm looking forward to add ADHD meds to my mix - I having knee surgery in a week and am going to wait until afterwards for the anesthesia and pain meds to clear before I start.

Thanks again - I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

[unclaimedjule in reply to TexasDragonfly]

I knew within hours of starting meds that it was working. My shoulders relaxed & I was able to breathe; my brain quieted…Amazing reaction to a stimulant .

I’m over 60!

Try not to put this off🫤

[Hidden in reply to sharkticon]

Thanks for your share Sharkticon. It brought something to mind. Many of us with ADD diagnosed as adults often have comorbidities that can mask the ADD. Substance abuse history is common, along with depression and anxiety, and doctors tend to treat those first before considering ADD. I’ve suffered from addiction issues since I was 19. That eventually led to depression and anxiety. After my diagnosis and meds with therapy, it all started to make sense. I haven’t had a drink in 3 years and finally feel like I’m in the moment, not just going through the motions.

[MadamGeneva]

This is very sad to read. A lot of people who I care about were quite dismissive at first about my diagnosis. I’m ‘intelligent’, so how could I have this? (Weirdly the only way they started to understand was by me sharing Instagram & TikTok posts by ADHD coaches with scenarios that I knew they would recognise in me).

I think there is often a view that once you have the diagnosis and recognise your symptoms that it somehow gives you power to choose not to behave in certain ways. There is great power in recognising your symptoms and finding techniques that help you with life, but you cannot ‘think’ your way to neuro-typical behaviours.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression and BDD over the years. My ADHD diagnosis has liberated me in a way I’ve never experienced, I now understand myself!! I have stopped beating myself about thing that I have no control over, but most importantly I have set boundaries.

I will explain my symptoms to the ones I love and that I am not making a ‘choice’, but if they choose to be angry/dismissive, I understand that it is a ‘them problem’, not a ‘me problem’.

I hope you find the support and love that you deserve.

[Hidden]

Hi TexasDragonfly. I can relate to your situation. Unfortunately your partners reaction is common, I had a similar experience with my partner, now husband. We both suffer from anxiety but he also has severe seasonal depression. The first time I experienced him basically not getting out of bed for a week, and his bedroom always looked like a bomb blew up in it, I knew there was something else going on.

During the same time, I wasn’t doing well at work, couldn’t keep up, my memory and executive function were basically shot. I went and saw my PCP and was diagnosed with severe ADD at 52 years old. He recommended medication and also getting a therapist. The medication made a dramatic change immediately on day one. Word of warning, it can take some time before you and your doctor/psychiatrist come up with the best that works for your symptoms. My husband didn’t believe me at first and thought all I was doing was taking “speed”. I started reading everything and going to forums like this one and quickly started to realize that he more than likely was ADD too. Move two years forward, my husbands depression was so bad I convinced him to see my psychiatrist and we went together because he doesn’t know how to ask the questions to advocate for himself. I didn’t have to say a thing. Within minutes the psychiatrist has to bring him back into the conversation. Then said, “honey, where are you?” He had a full 4 hour psych eval, then started relapsing in March. We both met at an AA meeting years ago. His results came back and his diagnosis was severe ADD, depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. He was put on Adderall last week and like me, from the first pill he was a diffferent person. He also sees a therapist now too.

You have a definable disorder that 80% of people improve symptoms with medication. If you’re not ADD, the meds act like speed. With ADD, it’s opposite. The thoughts swirling around in your head quiets, and your focus and executive thinking vastly improve. Go to ADDitude.com. They have some great articles that explain ADD that might help your partner understand what you’re going through. I encourage you to get on med asap, that she’ll notice right away. After being on meds for maybe 3 months, I was having my weekly meeting with my boss. He said “I don’t know what you’re doing different, but don’t change it!”

I shared with him what was happening, which can be risky. He was understanding and now that I know my behaviors to watch for, my boss does too and he’ll give me reminders and help me break a big project into smaller pieces so I understand the objective and perform better. The therapy helps me focus on me and my triggers. Best of luck to you. It’s a lifelong journey. Feel free to message me if you want to ask any questions. I’d be happy to share my experience.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to Hidden]

Salsinator said "You have a definable disorder that 80% of people improve symptoms with medication. If you’re not ADD, the meds act like speed. With ADD, it’s opposite. The thoughts swirling around in your head quiets, and your focus and executive thinking vastly improve.'

YES!!!!!!

[Hominid711 in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

I think that too. And it's also dose related how you feel. What people have written in various threads about stimulants and aggression/irritability is very interesting. Obviously substance use or abuse can interfere and so can comorbidity with all sorts including Oppositional Defiant Disorder, depression, other PD or too high a dose of stimulants. Or too low. Or other drugs.

Or a failing marriage unfortunately. Or other problems. Other family or work issues. And more.

Everything can be chicken and everything egg.

I feel great on my current combo of Venlafaxine/Vyvanse but also liberated and that or the drugs or who knows what seems to have increased not my anger or irritation per se - I feel much calmer, happier, positive and compassionate towards my fellow humans - but my threshold for voicing displeasure, assertiveness and tolerance of what at a given moment sounds and feels like BS to me have changed. I feel better letting steam off and I feel it would be the right thing to do as said BS exchange is often mutual and what's my BS isn't yours so it can't be avoided between people and in life generally. But it can hurt and THAT is the problem. It can - culturally differently - also signal limit setting and be necessary. Think apes. Obviously I'm just stating the obvious and aiming at reducing any form of aggression as it simply won't pay to adopt it as a communicative tool.

I think it's an enormous achievement to stay married for those who struggle. Sometimes it just seems the lesser of 2 evils, sometimes it's co-dependence, fear of the unknown, kids, etc. Or fear of facing the music. Sometimes we need permission to call it a day.

Have you all tried to go to each others' psych appointments? Especially if one spouse doesn't believe in the other's diagnosis. That would kill me. Couldn't continue. It's like religion.

Relate who are probably UK's best known couple counselling charity say a lot of marriages are too far gone by the time people seek help.

Maybe breaking a tabu here but truth matters too. As does love.

Wishing you all the very very best though.

From the heart.

Hominid.

[Hidden in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

Very important, thanks for adding 😊

[2banartist]

Good morning. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's difficult when the people around you don't understand or even try to understand this struggle or to take it seriously. Keep talking about it in safe spaces. If your therapist thinks medication will help, there is no shame in that, either.

[ShortyKat]

Hi, I believe you have to do what is best for you. If that is medicine, then that is great. I wish your partner could support you. It must be very difficult for you.

[TexasDragonfly in reply to ShortyKat]

Thank you - your and everyone's kind words have really bolstered me. Especially this morning when my partner told me that she just doesn't believe my diagnoses, again. Sigh. We'll work through it and the support from everyone here is helping immensely.

[Hidden in reply to TexasDragonfly]

My partner and I know see the psychiatrist together so there’s no doubt and we can both ask questions. Hominid asked about that. It’s been helpful for us because there’s no doubt if we both hear the same information from a professional.

[Tim_Othy]

Take care of yourself first, Brother