ADD girl frustrated because she can't go to recess until she finish her work.

[doraemm]

What to do with my daughter in 4th grade. My daughter can not go to recces until she finish her work. She has ADD. She is stressed because she likes recces. What should I said to the teacher

[Hidden]

To Be or Not to Be the CYA Parent:First, you talk to the teacher and see if you can both come up with a solution together. See what she is having trouble with and if it can either be modified in some way. It's tough for teachers to modify and if your daughter doesn't have an IEP then there's not much that can be done.

I wouldn't suggest you start giving your child some sort of entitlement because of the ADHD, but if you either talk to your daughter about ways to stay focused and finish her work, along with communicating with the teacher, then it's better than having to become THAT parent that teachers have to watch out for.

[StinkbugWarrior]

I have the opposite problem which may help you see it from another point of view. ( I am not being critical or anything, just know when I can see stuff from other perspectives it helps me make a more informed decision. 😊) I'm a single parent with three kids who all have the attention span of fleas. They don't do their work, the teachers all email me and tell me my kids aren't doing their work as expected. They expect me to "handle" my kids and the results are my kids doing what is expected of them. This has failed gloriously.

My kids have never been held accountable by the teachers or school in general for their schoolwork. One example: My son would persistently missing the bus and come in late. He learned that if he farted around long enough he wouldn't make it to the bus in time, then he would get driven. I asked the school to keep him in at recess on the days he was late so he had a consequence for his actions. They told me it was a "home issue" and I had to deal with it. It didn't just affect me, but his younger sisters who had to be put on their busses at the time I would have to be driving him. The school even reported his "tardiness" to the local social services branch, putting 100% of the responsibility on my shoulders and none on his.

As he got older he would say he did his homework, which I would think he did because he learned to only write down the easy homework. He'd get it done and it wasn't till later the school came and wanted to have this whole discussion with me. They didn't sit him down and ask him why he didn't do his work, explain it was his responsibility to come to school with his work completed. They blamed me. It got to the point I would go from helping him on projects to basically doing them for him. He is smart but manipulative. When I finally refused to continue to carry him with his schoolwork I had prepared to let him face the consequences of his inactions. I told him if he didn't put out effort he would be held back and his friends would move forward without him. He did his classwork and blew off his homework and passed. I WISH the school had had my back and helped teach him that his schoolwork was his responsibility when he was younger. Instead they showed him he wouldn't get consequences, that I would, and that he could manage doing no homework and still pass. He's going into high school next year, doesn't matter that he has gotten away without effort doing "zoom classes" for the past two years. I actually had a social worker come to my home yesterday because they are so concerned about my child and want him to succeed. They imply that there is an issue in the home that my child isn't getting the support from me he needs to do his schoolwork. ( The biggest issue for my kids is the school now has issued them each iPads and all the work is done on them. The school tried to block anything "fun" that could distract the kids but there is so much my kids have found they can do on them instead of work. They can watch YouTube and if they see me look at them switch back to schoolwork). Now that my daughters have taken to copying his minimal effort approach. There isn't an issue in the home. I support my kids if they need help. All they have to do is ask. But I am firmly not going to continue to let the school shame, threaten and talk to me like I am a horrible parent who isn't giving my kids the support and structure they need because I won't do their schoolwork for them, when they don't feel like it, just so they have something to turn in. I have three kids and I cannot know in detail every chapter they are reading, what lesson they are on on what day, etc like I might be able to do with one child. I've tried being firm with the kids, taking things away, rewarding them for their positive efforts, punishing them for not following through with their school responsibilities. I've even sat for hours at the kitchen table having a waiting competition with my son who refused to do the work and I refused to let him up till he just showed effort ( I literally don't even care if he masters what he's learning, just that he is showing me effort.) I have gotten to the point with the school that every phone call or email makes me super anxious. I DREAD the end of summer and feel impending doom the last few weeks of summer. It's exhausting.

If your kiddo is smart enough she is able to weigh whether or not the work she is supposed to do is worth the effort she needs to put out, you very much might want to consider letting her accept the consequences of missing recess. She might have to force herself to focus more or work at a faster pace, but she will understand that it is her responsibility to get it done. If she's not getting it done because she doesn't understand the work it will prompt her to communicate with the teacher (or you) that she doesn't understand it. Then you and the teacher together could maybe consider something that can be done (maybe the teacher could eat lunch with her when she needs a bit more support to grasp what she is learning, or something, and your little one still be able to go to recess.). Kids NEED recess. They need to get out and get their blood pumping. I don't know the teacher in question but she maybe actually does care about your daughter enough that keeping her in at recess isn't meant to punish, rather, it will be the most effective motivation to get your daughter to do what she needs to do.

Again, I didn't write this to try to make you feel like I'm siding with a teacher who could be being a jerk. I just wanted to help you see that sometimes having a strict teacher could be a blessing in the long run. It really does depend on what both the teacher and your daughter are like and why the work isn't getting finished in time. I don't want others to have to feel like my kids schools make me feel. Your daughter could be super smart and bored by busy work, she could be struggling because she doesn't understand what she's learning, or maybe just gets distracted and runs out of time. Either way, good luck! ♥️♥️

[butterflywings6]

That’s a shame. Kids shouldn’t be punished by missing recess. That’s when they get to move around and moving gets our ADHD brains working better! Is she on an IEP? Maybe they can adjust how much of a worksheet/assignment she does instead of punishing her for not completing every problem. It takes me twice as long to do schoolwork as my peers and I’m in college! If she has a diagnosis, she should be on some kind of school assistance (in the US, anyway). If not, I’m not sure what you can do. I homeschooled my kids through middle school and something worked, because they started to love learning! But we were able to focus on advancing when they understood a concept and not drilling the same concept into their heads a million times after they already got it, so we had far less “busy work” than the schools end up doing. I’m not advising homeschooling! But open communication with the teachers (you might need to teach them how ADHD works!), notes from her doctor suggesting alternatives to recess punishment, and some conversations with your daughter about what might be causing her to procrastinate her work (social? Daydreaming? Is the work too hard? Is the work too easy?). Little steps, communication, and staying calm with everyone will help the most.

Some teachers though. SMH. I had one actively teaching my kids that technology was bad and evil. In second grade! Ugh. Technology helps ADHD so much! Having them believe tech was evil did not help me at home! Almost everything that teacher told my kids had to be untaught at home. It was a pain. By the end of that year I realized how much easier it would be to teach them myself… My son hadn’t learned subtraction at all, and they passed him along as if it wouldn’t be an issue. A bad teacher can be so damaging. He thought he was stupid! My daughter was emotionally abused because she was hyperactive. It was a mess.

So start with her doctor, talk to your kid, & talk with the teacher. If the teacher won’t communicate or adjust, try another teacher. I spoke with the principal a couple of times before realizing they just didn’t care. We had such better schools before we moved to that area! Good luck and sorry if I rambled

[BTV65]

IEP is not the only path. Most frequently a 504 is the easiest path and allows quite a bit of flexibility.

1) Is your daughter officially diagnosed by a Dr?

2) Has this diagnoses been registered with the school?

Those two steps should get you a 504. Schools will often wish to do their own evaluation first so they can identify what your child needs for her 504. You, as a parent, get some say about what goes into the 504 as well.

I agree with previous posters that consequences are a necessary part of a child's life. It's part of setting boundaries. I also agree that getting up and moving around is important for ADHD so a balance is needed. Occasionally missing recess is OK. If it's a regular thing, then the 504 needs to be revisited, because clearly something isn't working.

3) Is she on medication for ADHD?

#3 helps with focus and can make a huge difference in being able to complete work.

[406M]

You’ve been given some excellent feedback from varying perspectives. Here are some from a teacher and mother of an ADHD child:

Positive and clear communication with your daughter’s teacher is critical. Thank him/her for caring enough to hold your daughter accountable and lend your support to the idea that it’s important for you as well, but stress how hard it is on your child to miss recess. Ask if you can discuss some alternatives to problem-solve as a team, and be ready to hold up your end of the deal.

Know your rights. If your child has a medical diagnosis, then you can request a 504 plan for her. This plan delineates legally enforceable accommodations, like additional time for tests, modified assignments or help organizing and maintaining planners. It’s the law that mandates bathroom accommodations for physically handicapped people, parking spaces, etc. and is designed to allow everyone access to public domains, including a quality education. It is not an IEP and won’t provide additional or specialized instruction, only accommodations to even the playing field. This kind of plan is particularly important for secondary school and high-stakes testing (SATs, etc.). The sad part about a 504, is that it’s predicated on failure. If your child isn’t failing, schools aren’t legally obligated to comply, though they must hold a meeting to consider the options. It’s always worth a try - some institutions are more accommodating than others and non-completion of work can translate into “failure”.

If you don’t have a medical diagnosis, get one, even if you don’t intend to use drug treatments.

Be informed. CHAD and ADDA are great resources and might help give your daughter’s teachers more insight. I also like “How to ADHD” on YouTube. Being the parent of a neuroatypical child is very difficult, and the more you know, the easier it will be on both of you. Balancing the line between doing too much and doing too little - between having realistic expectations and understanding limitations - between giving your child choices and mandating something will be done - is nearly impossible. It can be heartbreaking and emotionally debilitating, so having support systems is critical.

Accept that it’s important to hold children accountable, even those with disabilities. Accountability is a real-world criteria for success and we want our children to have that capability when they leave the educational system. School is often a brutal and inflexible institution for neuroatypical students, but the “real world “ is even more so and ADHD problems don’t go away with a diploma. That being said, expectations for neuroatypical learners can be adjusted or modified to meet their specific needs (though, accountability should still be present).

Sometimes the only lever a teacher has for accountability is recess. However, that lever should be used sparingly and combined with some sort of positive reinforcement behavior plan. Positive incentives work better than consequences and are less destructive to self esteem. Unfortunately, these kind of programs are a lot of work to manage for already overworked and stressed-out teachers.

Be your child’s advocate. Do your best to work with teachers in a positive way and try to understand the time and administrative pressures they face, but if you need to be “that” parent - there’s an adage about squeaky wheels that fits. I wish I’d been a lot more “squeaky”, even though it was difficult to do so as a teacher.

Good luck and never give up.

[Knitting20projects]

Agree with above. I’m not sure where you live. If in the USA, please request to start the 504 process. Kids with ADHD take longer to finish work and desperately need physical activity of recess. Reward systems also don’t work well for their brain wiring. Please ask school to not make recess dependent on her finishing work. She would probably do her work better if she goes to recess first!!!!

[Knitting20projects]

ADDitude website on ADHD in children has excellent information about supporting your child’s learning and communicating with school staff. Best wishes!