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Where does motivation for life come from?

FullAgonist profile image
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Discovering that I have ADHD has been double edged sword. On the one hand I finally have unified theory that explains and predicts the odd things I do. It's is a source of comfort and it opens up the possibility of treating the condition systematically.

On the other hand, knowing that I have ADHD has made me quite depressed and anxious. I tend to worry about mistakes I'm making, especially social interactions. After meeting someone I go over our conversation in my imagination, where I've said some strange or repeated the same story or violated the rules of polite conversation and I replay it over and over again. I find that I often slip into negative thought patterns and tend to obsess about certain topics. It drives people away, increasing my sense of isolation.

I think the medication is playing a role in this. Originally I started with stimulants and opioids, to get me through a crisis but that gave me an opioid addiction. I then discovered some safer opioids, tramadol and methadone, they are an improvement but not ideal. I liked tramadol because it made me happy and energetic but I later discovered it has serious interactions with amphetamine so I quit it cold turkey and that threw me into a horridle period of depression and anxiety (the other problem is the side effects of zopiclone that I use to sleep due to stimulants and opioids). I'm over that now and my doctor has prescribed Sertraline for depression. Hopefully this SSRI will help my motivation, because that has been the single biggest problem in my life (m 45). it's really a bane.

How do you guys handle the motivation proem?

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FullAgonist
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I can relate to worrying about social interactions. And honestly, that’s still there. But lately, I’ve been feeling real lonely and that’s what motivated me to ask people to hang out. I’d suggest asking people you trust to hang out like a close friend. And honestly? Social skills are hard. I wait for someone else to answer before I do because I may misunderstand something. I hope this helps. I went to an event with a club I joined. It was fun. I did my best, and I don’t think I did horribly in the social game. But when I arrived I couldn’t find anyone and I felt shy about asking for help, but with encouragement, I did it.

katefm profile image
katefm

Hey, its great that you have found something that brings you comfort. For me, practicing mindful self-compassion reminds me of my humanness and this brings me comfort. I like the idea of being more systematic too. SSRIs help me 'catch myself' on a downward spiral. If i feel really really 'in my head' when i engage in some purposeful movement, walking, yoga or particularly something that makes me have to balance - i have a balance board, i can find some focus and i can find my way back to my passions. I can only be motivated by stuff i love. That doesnt include housework or shopping. Those are still really hard but being self compassionate means i dont beat myself up so often. I realise I am assuming you are not physically disabled and apologise for this assumption.

FullAgonist profile image
FullAgonist in reply to katefm

I am not disabled in any discernable way. I think that is part of the problem with mental health issues, we are tempted to 'pull ourselves together and get on with life' because there is nothing wrong with us. I have been doing that with varying degrees of success for forty years but lately, the combination of drugs and lockdown circumstances made it unbearable. I still doubt my subjective reality, but I'm pretty sure that feeling anxious 24/7 isn't normal. I need independent confirmation from an expert. I don't expect them to work miracles but some coping strategies and plain acknowledgement would go a long way. My self esteem is at rock bottom while my self belief has never been higher, bizarrely. The drugs enabled me to see the condition for what it is and achieve great things but the toll on my mental health has been disastrous. No free lunch?

katefm profile image
katefm in reply to FullAgonist

Hi , sounds like lock down has been particularly rough for you. I know what you mean about anxiety. I think if you suffer with anxiety as lots of people with ADHD do, it can feel like a 'state of being'. When i have it its 24/7. A big yes to your first insight.. I get what you are saying about your self belief and self esteem being out of alignment, in the modality i work as a counsellor called 'person centred' levels of self esteem relates to our 'ideal self' or self image- the self we project to the world - who we would like to be and how we should be. Realising we have adhd can affect this self image and then, we question ourselves deeply to find our own truths. . Your higher self belief is likely your authentic self coming through (interestingly you put that the drugs enabled you to see the condition for what it is) and this new awareness leading you to question your self image in line with the new reality.... self esteem can dip while we process stuff.

I got super low when i was diagnosed and reckon it was the thought of how much energy i had expended in being who people expected me to be for so long. ...

Anxiety and depression can often be the space between 'who we think we are' and ' who we actually are', the closer the two are, the more congruent we are and more comfortable with ourselves. Its such a journey though and i dont know about you but being diagnosed 'late' makes me feel 'late' in a general kind of way?

We are only human and you say you achieved great things?

FullAgonist profile image
FullAgonist in reply to katefm

Yes, exactly, that space breeds anxiety. I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts. Every time I have a conversation or express some opinion, later on I obsess over the blunders or faux pas endlessly. It's surreal to think of two selves in one body, but that's what it feels like.Regarding the drugs, it wasn't the substances themselves that imparted any wisdom, it was where they took me. I was in state of mind that is difficult to think about now. Writing a thesis to a very short timetable under the influence of stimulants and opioids was the only way I could get out of this crisis. Despite failing virtually every exam I've ever taken, I found myself in the final stages of a PhD program. Everyone was asking when I would finish and those expectations really amped up the anxiety. I must not, could not, fail or retreat from this but I couldn't write it either, mustering that level of self discipline was impossible. 6 months to go.

I found the darknet awash with cognitive enhancers and properly went to town with them, more opioids and stimulants than you could shake a stick at, working 16 hours a day. Voila, one PhD and a mangled head. Took me years to recover from that addiction. On the way back to normality I noticed the constituent parts of the personality resume, and while it was highly unpleasant, I got a glimpse of myself that gave me the clue about ADHD because it obviously wasn't normal to end up in that much of mess. It was a learning experience as much as the technical content. Humbling, too. I needed that.

During the course of this academic episode, I became a lecturer, believe it or not. I like helping people understand and teaching is one of the most important jobs but it wasn't good for me. I had constant and crippling fear of being unmasked as imposter, the stress was horrible. I gave it up and went back to my old engineering job slightly damaged goods back from a 12 year hiatus. Through some amazing piece of luck I found myself in a really good team, they instantly spotted that I was a bit fragile and didn't put any pressure on, gave me some work that was in my field and left me to it. That was the start off my renaissance, one intractable technical problem after another, I was really crushing it and it gave me huge amount of confidence.

The skills and techniques that I had learnt were really powerful in this new setting and it fulfilled me in the ways I had been working towards for twenty years, slowly coming to the realisation that something was blocking me, the as yet unknown ADHD. Lurking in the background I am stalked by my old self, with the brittle self esteem and the old insecurities. These vestiges and conditioning are the things I'm trying diminish the effects of but it's tough to remove an unconscious reflex, I've sought help with that but I don't expect it'll be fixed any time soon.

How did you end up as a councillor? They are special people.

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