Difficulty initiating difficult conversations

[jschoolfailure]

Like any and all folks, I've had trouble initiating tasks that I know will be difficult. Whilst leaning on coping mechanisms like lists, alarms, prioritization rubrics, daily and weekly planners (all electronic), I believe I've made small improvements but my wife doesn't agree. Understandably so because adults should be able to follow through with the tasks they claim they'll accomplish.

My wife continually asks me to identify a problem we've had in the past and then a find a solution to that issue. I thought I did that this last week, as I finalized a plan to take care of the yard so she doesn't have to ask me again. Or better articulating my financial plan. Or plan how we can better enjoy our quarentined time together. But these aren't the large problems that she wants answers to. I just read through my notes to one of John Gottman's books and walked though a bunch of the exercises before she said this is a dumb, waste of time, and she didn't understand why I would think this was worthwhile.

That's what I'm struggling with. Trying to improve communication, and initiating it daily about difficult tasks (i.e. my failures and how i'll rectify them). But if I'm not addressing the problem succinctly enough, it's a problem. If I'm not addressing something that she thinks is important, it's a problem. She'll say:

"That sounds like something you should have done eight months ago."

or

"You're still doing the bare minimum."

or

"Do you really think that's a good use of your time?"

or worse. Much worse.

When I bring these things up with regularity, there seems to be improvement, but with that improvement, the impetus to continue what brought said improvement dissipates. I need to continue these difficult discussions, until she feels the progress that I do. But it's difficult.

I always say I'm trying me best, and she always calls me on it. She always says there's something more I can do. Which is true, but I'm looking for guidance for how to communicate how I'm trying to improve in a way that she'll accept as beneficial to her.

Suggestions please.

Much appreciated.

[Billy50]

Me, too. I am afraid to talk with people without sounding wound up, agitated, defensive, lecturing, et al. And I get mad when someone says I am being negative when I am trying to tell them the opposite. It is an art - like playing Ping Pong. I am not ready to join the U.S. Ping Pong Team. Like the ball, I can only bounce one thought, idea, or question at a time and to learn patience. I cannot give the Gettysburg Address and assume everyone is awed and impressed. I can only say one idea, usually, at a time - wait for reaction. Slow and agonizing at times, but at least it gives we with ADD time to fully understand the reaction of the listener. I have driven away many people by venting and trying to talk about too much at once.

[dnz3311]

I can understand her frustration but belittling you is probably making your issues worse and communication nearly impossible. Why would you want to drain yourself trying to do what she wants if she’s just going to criticize and why talk to her if she’s going to be hurtful.

I had a partner that I was continually trying to please and it sounds similar to what you’re going through. Are you in therapy? Do you have any source of positive feedback?

You are in a partnership with your spouse and I’m not saying she shouldn’t get tired of dealing with what our partners have to deal with. However, passive aggressive comments and the belittling is not going to do anything but make it worse. Maybe you two could try group therapy?

[Emerald-Eyes]

If your having problems initiating with others besides your wife, you may have an issue. Otherwise I believe a good part of it is the regularity of negative responses your getting.

Are you being treated for your ADHD, possibly medication, Therapy, self care like good nutrition, exercise, etc.? If we fill a jar with rocks if you put the big ones in first, then there is more room for little ones. Do you know your wife’s number one issue with your challenges? Can you work on that so you putting a big rock in the jar. It takes up more space and a better emotional carrier then a small pebble.

Really it sounds like with all the planning stuff she’s really asking for leadership or action in these areas. Why is it she wants you to do this alone and not together? Or is it you aren’t contributing to the doing it together and she feels it’s dumped on her plate, and she’s giving it back to get you to take action or having trouble deciding? All of what she is asking for, the planning stuff taking executive functioning not our strong suit. Not that we can’t, just more difficult. Is it the plan or the action she really wants.

When you take action, what about it helps you do that thing? What gets your juices going? Does having a brain boosting snack while your working on something help, certain music playing in the background help you think? What time of day working on things you have better success at harder things then other times? Doing things standing up or walking around thinking get your juices flowing? Starting and then breaking and going back? How do you process information best, visual, auditory, Written, hands on, a combo? Use that knowledge to help you with brain storming ideas etc.

Hope any of this is helpful.