looking for answers

[tubes4001]

not sure if my wife has these issues (adhd) but suspect it...and it's hurting our relationship and I only want to see how to help if that's the case...her "symptoms" seem to be, always on a digital device playing online games, cannot really relax, if not busy with something is irritable, no sex drive, gets happier and is better to be with if out somewhere (having a cocktail/casino/with friends), if she doesn't have a definitive schedule to do things is irritated, get's irritated with me when I try to talk about some of these things, gets upset when grand kids are over for the night (which I love), and many other related/similar things.......I think I am a good husband and provider for her but I am getting frustrated with things...I can FEEL the anxiety/tension/stress coming "off" of her and our daughter says the same...WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[PoppyWithADD]

Hard to say whether it's ADHD related or not, but it sounds like she is not open to discussing and that is the problem you'll have to deal with before anything else. Maybe you can team up with your daughter, in case your wife isn't willing to hear it just from you, and let her know you are concerned about her and also how this is affecting the both of you. Irritability can be caused by so many things, including lack of sleep, not enough food, or a frustration of some kind that she either has not expressed or hasn't felt heard about. Same, all of that, for the sex drive thing. Has she always been this way or is this somewhat new? Is she lacking a sense of purpose day to day? Is she not exercising? So many questions. I hope you can find a way to connect!

[Lisimac]

Hello- I am 56 and learned I had ADD in my early 40s, when my kids were very young and I was working a full time + job, etc. Once I learned I had ADD, it didn't solve all of my issues, but at least I knew what I was dealing with.

Now I am in menopause & it is a crazy up & down experience that does not help my ADD issues & has created new ones. I have "fog brain" meaning I foget things easily, even what I was about to say. I have increased anxiety, mood swings (irritability) decreased sex drive & am not sleeping well. After looking up my symptoms on an exchange similar to this on women's health/menopause, I was able to confirm many women experience these exact issues & more.

The symptoms you describe could be related to ADD, but it almost sounds like these symptoms have showed up later in life. If it's ADD, she may be getting worse because of hormones or other, but there should have been some of these signs all along. She really should see a doctor for a general check up, and maybe you could talk to the doctor and explain your concerns as well. Always being on digital devices can be a sign of ADD, they force you to focus & let you escape from other things that you don't want to do or feel like you can't succeed in. This can lead to not sleeping enough, which causes irritability, etc.

She could have anxiety, sometimes associated with ADD, but I think can be a separate issue as well. You don't indicate her age, but mentioned grandkids- she is likely also going through hormonal shifts -peri-menopause (the years leading up to menopause when crazy symptoms start showing up for many women) or she could already be in menopause. Again, she could have ADD, anxiety, or something else, but you need to convince her to see her doctor and try to figure out what's going on.

Once you & she know what you're dealing with, it will make it easier to discuss, get help, and hopefully things can improve. Sorry so long- good luck.

[rgrim]

Hi! I don't know if your wife has ADHD. Like the previous replies said there could be any number of explanations for her behavior. I myself have been recently diagnosed, however it was something I always knew I struggled with. The thing was I never needed to address it before. I went to very, very small private schools, wasn't married yet, and long story short it just never bothered anyone and I was awesome at compensating for it. I'm almost 30 years old, married now, and in my last year of college (finally!). I sought help from my primary care doctor and later a psychologist because my behavior had become a problem. I was seriously struggling to finish college. I could see that my behavior was bothering my husband. But really, the key thing that drove me to finally seek help was more than that it was just bothering my husband, but that it wasn't letting me be the kind of thoughtful, caring wife I wanted to be. I couldn't remember the simplest thing he asked me to do, he felt like I wasn't listening to him and like I wasn't present with him because I constantly needed to be doing more than one thing at a time. It took a couple years of him expressing his concerns and sometimes there were big fights. But I came around and I it means everything to me that he didn't force me or try to change me (in other words, I know that I could go off the meds and go back to the way I was and he would still love me).

In the end there isn't a magic fix. Certain things are better, like being able to remember things and being able to sit still. But remembering to put down my phone and be present with him- that takes compromise and practice. Hope this helps!