I have a stack of blank books. I've tried starting journals for years. And now i have a bullet journal too. So many, unstarted blank pages.
In listening to a podcast "ADHD Rewired" i have an idea as to why. I'm afraid of wrecking them. There's no plan it's going to be messy, and it feels like I'm going to fail with it.
A blank book could become anything, and i see other people's examples of their journals and they look so pristine, or cool looking.
Afraid of something I'm going to fail at, and so why evwn try.
I need to give myself permission to be messy in between these pages. I see so many decorated and planed out journal entries as examples..
The only one judging me, is me. I am going to post a picture of my first entry, the moment i do it. No matter how it looks, I'm done with holding myself back. I'm done thinking what I'm doing could always be better.
I am a work in progress. Every single day
Peace
Written by
Cyrano_de_Bergerac
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I am the same way. I have an adhd mentor who’s helping me, she said I’m allowed only 2 notebooks, 1 our meeting notebook, the other is my thoughts notebook and I’m not allowed to tear any pages out. I was so nervous about it but for the first time I’m doing it. I haven’t tore any pages out and i, so excited because in my thoughts notebook (its a spiral bond 3 subject notebook) when i reached the end of one section and started the second section my handwriting and note taking skills magically improved. I like look though it and seeing my progress. P.S. she said anything in the notebook I don’t want to keep she said I’m allowed to draw a line though it
My handwriting changes so much through out my journals and my note taking can be frustrating, pointless when it's illegible. I haven't torn anything out in a long time. I had no idea this was a characteristic of adhd, so many notebooks and such, but it makes sense.
My handwriting is never the same. Sometimes its big sometimes small. I’ll switch between right hand or left hand (though I’m a little better with my right) and between cursive or printing. I also have a billion different colors of pens that I usually pick from based on my mood.
And I limit myself to 3 notebooks, my college classes notebook, my bullet journal (as a planner and for my random ideas) and my ordinary journal/diary.
When I was watching a video about making a bullet journal they siad the first thing you should do is mess it up and loose any expectations of keeping it nice. Personally I enjoy watching it slowly look more and more used. Especially if the notebook is bound in leather or foux leather. I love the little cracks that form and the worn spots that develop from opening it again and again.
Yes yes yes to all of this! So i had planned to write last night after getting home, dog needed to be walked, then food cooked, decided i wanted something fresh for me and my wife rather then prepakaged stuff to went to the grocery store. Fresh chicken, onion, carrot, pea pods and lo mein noodles. Get back home rangle the dog, relize the pot isn't clean, so wash some dishes, boil noodles, and start the wok work. (This is after scowering the thing clean and re seasoning the metal..) Stir-fri onion and garlic, cook chicken, add veg drain noodles and more sause and done... Durring this time I'm listening to political/news podcasts and recieving a message from a dear friend saying come out to the camp ground tonight! Awesome! Love to! Dinner first. And then a breathe...
Another friend is talking to me about her bad week, "we need to get together to continue our tabletop adventure! There's a world that needs saving!"
I'm proud of myself for this one and think my meditation and awarness training is going somewhere because i didn't just jump in there and say yes to Saturday plans. I asked my wife. And she reminded me of a fabrics arts show she wanted to go with me to see in a nearby town. Doged a bullet there by waiting asking and listening. So it was a good dinner. A decline on the friend get together saying it will happen soon. Writing was soon to come.
And then i had an extreme pain like a kidney stone. I broke out in a sweat and felt as though my kidney was clamping down on something precious... Hollering for my wife, while out of breath is difficult... Add to that the acoustic qualities of this building are strange she didn't hear me, until i was mostly over the worst of it.
I spent the rest of the night on the couch with a mug of water, watching cartoons, after an emt friend coached me through a few check points. (Do you have a feaver, is your heart racing, is the pain still there when you press where it was. If it comes back ER, if you're still sore monday ER, if your heart changes rate and feels thudy ER... Etc. They most likely would have sent me home after checks and said do what i was doing anyway, only a bill would be added for their services.)
I feel ok, tired, and sore, but on a scale of things it was momentary and nothing i haven't delt with before.
I went through bladder cancer treatments wich i was diagnosed with, not long after my adhd diagnoses actually. I am way more aware of the liquid disposal track of my body then I'll bet most of my peers, but that's a whole other story.
Pages still blank, because life doesn't want to stop. But i wrote a post here. So that's something. Maybe not in a tangable book, but it exists. A score of "1" Starting today.
Ha ha I loved reading your post, it's so relatable. And long! 10 out of 10 for communicating with your wife though, I'm jealous of your impulse control 👌
Work with meditation and nearly 12 years of doing the impulsive thing and getting the passive aggressive, "why don't you remember this one thing i hinted at 2 weeks ago?!" I love her very much, and i do plenty to drive her nuts. Working to change my habits is really the only control I've found i have in making things better between us. Well ok, one of the things. Being resilient, quick to forgive and forget, and staying flexible.
Life in general is a work in progress for everyone but for us especially. At least you're aware of what you need to work on so you're not completely lost without direction! Forgiving and forgetting is important but do the two of you talk about it properly when you've both calmed down? Effective communication is imperative, does she know a lot about ADHD and understand why you struggle with the things that drive her nuts? I watch the How to ADHD videos and on one of them Jessica advises not apologising for your ADHD related behaviour because people get fed up of us repeating that behaviour, which we inevitably do. Instead, she advises explaining why you do it so people understand it's not that we don't care, just that we don't always realise what is the appropriate thing to say/do in the moment. Of course, apologising for upsetting someone to show you care is always the right thing to do but to say it won't happen again may not be a realistic expectation and could be setting ourselves and loved ones up for frustration and disappointment.
As a female and also someone with ADHD I can only say that women expecting men to be mind readers is a universal problem, not specific to you and your wife but of course it presents additional challenges for you. I can't be sure because I don't know the two of you but I doubt she's being passive aggressive. If she can try to understand there's a difference between you not remembering and not caring, she will probably change her outlook. Perhaps instead of trying to make mental notes of what she's hinted at, if you just pick up on something she really likes or somewhere memorable you've been together and had a great time, you could buy her something related to that, as soon as it occurs to you so you don't forget! Then hide it until her birthday/Christmas/your wedding anniversary etc or just spontaneously give it to her if you can remember where you've stashed it 😂 also, play to your strengths, we ADHDers are generally creative and spontaneous so you could surprise her with something that will make her smile when she least expects it. That way you're showing you care and you buy thoughtful gifts and do things for her that she likes, she will feel more secure and won't get as upset when you do mess up, which we all do, despite the best of intentions.
I hope that gives you some food for thought as I'm sure it will help 😊
I so understand that fear of messing them up. Sometimes, I journal on blank pages and then shred them so I don't have that fear. Since journaling is for me to get the thoughts out of my head and I don't need to reread what I wrote, I find that loose leaf and immediate disposal works the best for me.
My bullet journal, though, is a mix between bullet-journal style lists, and a table of contents, and stuff I've worked out for myself. I go through periods of using it every day, and then not using it for months. I try not to feel bad about it, and mostly I succeed.
A lot of bullet journal techniques don't work for me, but I love the table of contents and page numbering part of it. The month plans and todo lists don't work for me. I have an actual planner and a wall calendar for those.
Maybe just start calling them "doodle books" instead of journals. Doodle book = play and fun. That way you can just doodle in them, and maybe write a few important things in the midst of the doodles.... or not. 🙂
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Why do I hate my wife one moment and then love her the next. Is it ADHD or something else?
So this just happened
Wanting and just because I can
Why am I so slow at my job where I once was a rock star?
Third day taking meds and I was expecting something different.
