Email from Soccer Coach

[Lizzeebeth]

Our 11 year old has combined ADHD and if I were to put it on a scale when I compare him to others with the same, I would say he is an 8/10 on the severe end. He isn't aggressive, he comes off as "clueless" and "unintelligent" to others. The areas he struggles most with are focus and inability to "sit still", "listening". I am currently enrolled in ADHD parenting classes. One of the things we are trying to be harder on ourselves as the parents about is less enabling and more independence. we have started to lean back a bit and have progress with giving him the ability to learn skills on his own.

I am one of the only parents from his team that usually stays and watches his soccer practice. More just to observe and sometimes I will redirect him from the sideline when he has a water break. This week, I stayed at the field but sat at the other end where the younger kids were. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I saw the kids warming up and kicking the ball to the goalie. Then they stopped but the ball was at my son's feet and he pulled back and I saw the coach wave his hands to motion no more kicks but having little impulse control, Jackson took a full swing and kicked the ball. Not in a defiant way at all, but just bc he completed the action. Unfortunately, the ball hit the goalie in the back of the head. The coach directed my son to sit in the corner of the field in isolation. My son looked sad, maybe he was crying, i was too far to tell. He had his elbow over his eyes and he was kneeling down. The coach tended to the child (who was his son), he didn't have an ice pack on him--so he had to run to the other end of the field where I was sitting (I doubt he saw me because he was worried about getting an ice pack for his kid. I wanted to go run over and ask my son what happened, but I wanted him to take feedback from his coach. From what I observed, I think the coach handled it well. It seemed like he knelt down at Jackson's level and he talked to him for awhile. He was using alot of hand gestures. He walked away without hand shaking or patting him on the back. My son remained in the corner then eventually entered the practice again. I walked over at that point to talk to him at the next water break and asked him to explain to me what happened. Coach said to not kick, "I kicked by accident and I hit player in the head. I said I was sorry mommy. Love you mommy! " At that point I sat at their end of the field and observed the rest of practice. My son was more attentive, listening to the coaches, getting complimented on making "good moves" and passes. Then a group of teenagers showed up blasting inappropriate music and swearing at the playstructure next to the field. Jackson's attention to the practice went out the window and he was constantly staring at this group as they were a big distraction. He then got called out multiple times by the coaches about not focusing or "being in it". My son told me afterwards that the teenagers actions and the loud music were scaring him.

On the ride home we talked about staying on the white line and moving to the otherside of the play if there are distractions and moved on. The kids in the car wanted to tattle on my son but I stopped them and I said Jackson had a talk with the coach-he is aware and will try better next time. Just to end the conversation further.

Last night, the coach sent the entire team's parent group a note that made my son sound like the worst teamplayer. He never said his name, but for any 11/12 year old who's parents asked who did it--they all know this one incident was my child. He bolded and italicized NOT listening. He went on about how "the player" (his son) is injured. Then 6 mins later he forwards me the email that I already received from him and then he gives his opinion of my son and how he is always having to remind him, or he has to do extra laps bc he doesn't listen. I have not told the coach that he has ADHD because I shouldn't let it define who he is, but I am stuck, because now I don't want to sound like I am using it as an excuse, but if you ask what the coach is asking me to tell my son to do, it can't come from me...it has to come from in the moment coaching.

I just feel so deflated, that our son was singled out on an email, and then the coach sends me an email about his son is on concussion protocol, has to miss the state standardized tests and not be with his peers....blah blah. I want to say do you not even know what my son deals with day to day in school and now at sports. I never said to him that he doesn't notice the other kids picking on him, but I don't want to helicopter my child and i let them be the pre-teens they are.

I don't even know how to reply to the coach or if I should at all. Technically, what he wrote was all statements, no questions...

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group, parenting a child with ADHD is a hard journey. Together we can support and help each other out. This sounds like a frustrating experience. Many of us have had to deal with the same experience in the past.

Does the coach know your son has ADHD and focus is an issue for him? If they knew then maybe they wouldn't blame him as much.

When I got these e-mails in the past what it did for me was to help me realize my son didn't have the tools he needed to focus and be involved in activities like team sports.

Have you considered things like counseling and/or medication? These helped my son and I know others say the same thing.

Our son and I met together in thearpy, so I could help guide discussions. Therapy helped our son so he could learn what tools he could use to help him.

But we knew that we needed help foe our son with medication. Our child psychiatrist told us that when the right type of medication is given and it is the correct dose and given at the correct time it tales away 60% of the symptoms of ADHD. With some medications you will know within the first hours if it helps. If it doesn't help and you are patient then you know it's not for your son. When it all works right, medication can help a lot.

I also understand medication is not for everyone. For us it helped our son focus and decrease impulsive behavior.

Best to you and your son, sorry for all the stress over sports.

Take care,

[Imakecutebabies]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. We've probably all had similar comments from somewhere.

I would definitely make sure the coach knows he has ADHD--and maybe apologize for not bringing it to his attention before, so that it doesn't seem like you're only mentioning it now to have an excuse. ADHD doesn't have to define your son, but it is part of his definition, and a little understanding can go a long way. Share not just symptoms, but strategies that can be helpful--e.g. if Jackson is not responding to a direction, say his name and get his attention before giving the direction again.

I would also express condolences about his son's injury--if you want him to care about your child, you need to care about his child also, and concussions are serious. Accidents happen, but we can still be sorry they happened without accepting blame.

Finally, part of a coach's job is to build sportsmanship and to teach kids to work as a team--if the other kids are picking on your son, the coach is not doing that. And if preteens don't get called out for it, it's only going to grow as they become teens. If you wanted to work it in, you could tell the coach that you can offer suggestions for ways that the coach could explain differences to the team in a healthy way--that way you're offering help rather than just complaining.

Good luck to you and your boy.

[Crescentmoon4]

oh my that’s frustrating! I understand the not wanting to tell the coach, as these days it seems every child has adhd ( even if they don’t) and most ppl just think it’s an excuse for their behaviour given by parents who can’t “parent” . In this case though I think writing an email to the coach and being honest and upfront about the diagnoses and also the email singling out the incident and how it made you feel is a good idea. Otherwise it will sit with you and just make things feel “worse”

My kid is almost 12 and he will just get upset and stop. He’s very emotional so he will go over the top and never want to play again. And there is no telling him otherwise . Makes anything team player based hard.

I say start with talking to the coach, and see if that helps .

[lenkebra]

What that "coach" did was despicable. First by isolating him off to a corner of the field. I get trying to descalate, but it seems apparent that your child is not aggressive in nature. Without an exchange or words, demeanor and body language can display those kinds "communication". No one wants another child injured, but it appears that the coaches full focus (and understandably so at the time) was on his child by his actions thereafter. To email everyone thereafter & put the full focus (again) on your child is not only immature, but doesn't resolve anything. If anything, he not only escalated the issue but now has made possible problems with other parents by virtue of the email he sent. No child should ever be the focal point of such behaviors. And because your son appears to have a contrition type nature about him, that is not only prime time to acknowledge that from the coach, but a definitive teachable moment(s) for everyone. Coaches are there to teach, and because he at minimum didn't even try to reach out to you for a one on one conversation, I wouldn't trust him for anything. The email spoke volumes to that.

But I have a different take on telling the coach about your sons adhd. Too many times, the onus always seems to be on us to make accommodations for others as though a diagnosis of adhd is a sentence of condemnation. How about adults have a little more understanding and less judgment. Be the adults the room, not like that guy.

PS. I thought your son was quite brave for re-entering the soccer field because he easily could have turned inward at that point and no longer want to participate. Kudos to him! That was awesome!

[trafferty83]

Please educate the adults around your child and advocate for him. I know you don't want ADHD to define your child, but the alternative is that others define him based on half of a story. Your child learns and sees things differently. This has to be taken into consideration for so many aspects of their life. Your child may have to be taught things differently and this coach needs to understand that. Everyone has to manage their expectations and ensure that the child is being provided the tools and can learn the skills that are needed. Trying to pay attention, remember all of the rules, and not kick a ball that just landed in front of you can be easier for some kids and damn near impossible for others. Please don't short change your child to try to fit into neurotypical norms. Some kids need more hands on help for longer and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you have time, research ableism and hand a conversation with the coach about your child. His response and reaction show me a lack of emotional maturity and I wonder if he understands the true nature of coaching.

Your child deserves to love all of the parts of themselves. No one in my family would trade their neurodivergence in for any reason. We're all proud of our differences. If everyone were the same, the world would be stagnant

You're doing a great job. ❤️

[STEM_Dad]

I agree with what other parents have said, the coach didn't handle it well. The email should have been much more general, maybe asking parents to talk to their players about the importance of listening and how the team can work together to try to prevent injuries... You know, actionable information, not a thinly-veiled criticism.• One missed coaching moment...how to teach a player to "throw away" their kick. (I only played soccer one season when I was ten, and I didn't learn that until I was in adulthood. A player who realizes the kick they are already swinging their leg into will be a bad kick, so they change the angle of their foot to make the ball go a different direction.)

Given the circumstance that his son was injured, it's impossible to expect that he would be objective. I'm guessing that he is the head coach, but in the post you also mention "coaches". Assuming that the coach whose son was injured cannot be completed objective or fully focused on coaching, one of the other coaches should have taken responsibility for coaching the team for the rest of that practice...and also should have sent the email to the players' parents.

• True leadership sometimes requires stepping aside when you know you can't be impartial. That's not something that's ordinarily taught in coaching and leadership, but it's a lesson I've learned by observing skillful leaders. It's a trait of humility to recognize when you're not the right person to lead in that moment, and pass the baton to someone who is.

~~~~~

If the coach was aware of your son's ADHD, he might have handled this better (or possibly worse, depending on his understanding and beliefs regarding ADHD). It might have made him connect the dots to see how the behavior of the teenagers was affecting your son, and he could have done something about it (like tell the teenagers to take their noise elsewhere)

Or he might realize that more players than just your son might find them distracting...but maybe use the noise as a training tool like: "Hey team, it's gonna be noisy at our games, too. But we won't let that stop up from playing our best! So let's focus on the play!"

~~~~~

I'd be as bothered by this as you are. Consider your options.

I do recommend that you (and your son) send a consolatory message to the coach for his son. I think it's proper to apologize for injuries, especially when it was caused by an accident. (Accidents are part of life. But it's important to teach your son to take responsibility for his actions, even the accidental ones, because it's important for developing character. However, he doesn't need to accept blame and shame, as if he had intended to cause harm. There's a clear distinction, and it's important that your son doesn't think he's not a good person because of the accident.)

Send it by itself with no thought at the time of anything else.

Separately address the communication issue. Is your son's team part of a formal organization, like USYS or AYSO? Do they have any written policies or guidelines for situations like this? Is there a league officer you can consult with about how to handle this?

• While the coach didn't name your son or his, he included so much detail that it would be completely clear to the other players what he was talking about. It's implicit blaming and shaming...and that's not okay. It singles out your son as an 'aggressor' and the coach's son as a 'victim'. ~~~ Youth sports are supposed to be about helping young people grow in healthy ways, not about teaching kids how to sow seeds of division.