How to find an ADHD coach?

[Irish94]

I read in someone else’s post that their teen has an ADHD coach so I’m curious how someone finds one? I’m also looking for advice, books, articles, podcasts, etc. about parenting a 17 y.o. with ADHD who is now getting into the drinking scene that is so rampant where we live. We are not handling it well and want her to abstain entirely while already navigating ADHD but we are losing that battle but don’t want to lose the ability to connect with our daughter entirely. I’d love to hear how others have navigated this stage? She is not on medication. Thank you for any wisdom and experience here!

[BLC89]

Hello Irish94

I'm sorry you are going thru that with your daughter.

A few resources I can recommend:

Dr Hallowell is the most positive ADHD guru and he has been studying it for decades. He is so kind in his views of ADHD and all that comes with it. He has written several books including parenting books. His latest ADHD 2.0 specifically talks about the latest brain science and how ADHD is so different for girls. Drhallowell.com

Secondly ADDitudemag.com and CHADD.org both have directories of ADHD coaches along with articles, classes, etc to review.

Is there a specific reason she isn't taking meds? Does she play a sport or exercise regularly? Both meds and exercise can have such a positive impact.

As far as the drinking is concerned in my experience, if you are coming down hard and restricting any activity it will push your kid toward it rather than away from it. I know most parents know that, but I find with ADHD the kids react almost like it's a challenge, especially if there is punishment. It is almost like they are saying "oh, you think you can control me? You think that punishment will break me? Ha! Bring it on!" and they dig in and stick with a behavior even if it's not what they really want to do.

I think it comes from a place of being told they've been doing things wrong, or if they “just tried harder” for so long, that when they dig in they feel like they have some control.

When we talked to our kids about drinking- addiction runs in the family so it scared me a LOT - we talked about their relationship with alcohol and asked why they drank. (Immediate answer either 'because I want to' or 'everybody does it's no big deal') we explained it is a huge deal because of genetics and the fact that ADHDers are 4 times more likely to have a substance abuse issue. And with girls the possibility of ending up in a situation of assault or pregnancy is there too.

I don't mean to bring you down, I point this all out to say your concerns are valid and getting her to talk with you is important. When we talked about drinking we probed as to why he was drinking. What was so appealing about it? An altered state is what he wanted, he wanted to feel a buzz and quiet his brain. Ah, now we are getting somewhere. So we talked about other ways to do that that were less addictive for one, and also found him a counselor. It wasn’t all smooth sailing after that but he had an outlet and was started down the right path.

If she has interests you can use as carrots that could be a way in. It has been found that especially with ADHDers punishment for unwanted behavior has little to negative impact. Positive reinforcement is the most effect way to get a change in behavior. It can appear you are “letting her off the hook” or “being too easy on her” but what others have to say on the matter is irrelevant. If you come down hard and she shuts down you are in a much worse place than if you can keep the lines of communication open.

ADHD kids are about 30% behind in their emotional regulation and executive function than their age. So your darling 17 year old daughter has the emotional regulation and executive function of a 12 year old. Her emotional gate keeper is 12, not 17 years old. This is one of the most challenging things to keep in mind as a parent. You are looking at a, practically, grown woman, but inside she has the emotional muscles of a 12 year old. It gets confusing really fast.

Talk to her about her different wiring and how that can really be a detriment when it comes to drugs and alcohol. She isn’t like the other kids so “everybody is doing it, it’s no big deal” may be true for the masses, but is not true for ADHDers. It is a big deal and drinking should be dealt with like a serious relationship not a one night fling.

ADHD has many other positive attributes like creativity, problem solving, etc. but when it comes to self-medicating it is a weakness.

I hope some of this helps. I know it is a tough place to be. Hang in there, stay curious and learn all you can about ADHD and girls - more and more is being studied all the time. And don’t be afraid to talk to her about her differences, not weaknesses, differences like eye color, because she has so much to offer the world and we need her creative thinking.

Good luck, and if you want to chat further I am one of the coaches on the ADDitude and CHADD lists I also have a 19 year old daughter and 21 year old son both with ADHD. There are many great coaches out there. Find a good fit and don't be afraid to shop around. If it isn't a good fit, no matter how great they may be, it won't be of much help.

BLC89

[Mamamichl in reply to BLC89]

this is an amazing response! I have addiction in my family and I used it as a pendulum to go so far against it I barely drink. I wasn’t diagnosed until 38, and if they are self medicating with alcohol, please have them try adhd stimulant meds. I notice a calm in my brain and don’t brood over things as much if I’m medicated well. Maybe blc you should be an adhd coach yourself. This is such good advice.

[BLC89 in reply to Mamamichl]

Thank you so much. I actually am an ADHD coach 😄 I love helping people (ADHDers in particular) come into their potential with confidence and grace. It is SO rewarding.

[Knitting20projects]

Has she ever considered trying medication for ADHD? I say that because it could give her the impulse control and emotional regulation she needs right now. I say this with compassion and as someone who initially resisted the idea of ever putting our son on medication for ADHD. It’s a very personal and difficult decision. Wishing you and your family strength as you figure out what will be a good plan for you.

[Pema20]

My fellow mom of a feisty 17 year old girl with ADHD, I hear you! Ours has been experimenting too. We have not asked our daughter to abstain, rather, we have talked about 1. Moderation, 2. Never , ever drinking regularly, alone, or in any ritualistic fashion (we have addiction in my family too), 3. She knows she can always call for a pick up any time any where no questions asked. 4. She has a therapist and I check in with the therapist; 5. No drugs or alcohol in the house, ever. 6. We talk about the higher chances of addiction with family history and ADHD. 7. She has to tell us where she is going and who she’s with and let us know if she switches locations. We are able to track her on her phone, but try to put the responsibility on her to let us know. We talk, ask her about what she’s up to and she tells us, sometimes in shocking detail. We do not lecture. I listen, almost never comment, Except to say remember to be safe and make good choices. I wait up for her to make sure she is home by curfew and checks in with us so we can get a sense of if she’s been drinking or not (yes, this is exhausting as I start work early). So far, I have had her loaded into my car once by a friend when she was completely wasted and she threw up once in the car when she tried a nicotine vape at a concert. Each time has been good for discussion and has not been repeated. She’s learning and the lure of alcohol is decreasing as it’s no loner a sneaky crazy thing to do.

Finally, summer job keeps her occupied 24-36 hours a week, soccer keeps her exercising, therapy gives her someone else to process and build skills with, support for college applications keeps her busy too. She has plenty of time to hang out with friends and get into teen trouble, but still has to show up most days to handle responsibilities and that creates a limiting factor.

Ours is currently taking Guanfacine, the sleeplessness and loss of appetite with the stimulants was too much, and knows she can’t really drink with that. ADHD kids who take medication are LESS likely to abuse other substances. We have done so many things wrong with my daughter, but I have no regrets about making alcohol and drugs a conversation rather than a forbidden fruit. There’s no guarantee she won’t abuse over time, but she has the messages in her head.

With regard to the coach, I would love for my daughter to get a coach, but more to help her with her executive function deficits. I feel like the therapist is better for helping her examine her motivations, choices, emotions and impulses etc. I have looked into coachbit.com and talked to a few coaches in my area listed on the Additude magazine website. I have not moved forward though as my daughter is adamantly against it. Sigh… from one teen mom to another…. Damn this is exhausting. Hang in there, every day is one day closer to brain maturity…

[Elijah1]

Here are 2 websites that list coaches

adhdcoaches.org/

paaccoaches.org/

Here is CHADD's page about coaches and how/when to choose them

chadd.org/about-adhd/coaching/

[panthercity]

also check the PAAC (Professional Assoc of ADHD Coaches). They have a list of credentialed ADHD coaches.

[LisethHIS]

Hello Irish94, 

Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. I am sorry to hear you are going through this situation with your daughter.  When it comes to coaching, she would definitely benefit, but you should also consider her finding a support group and seeing a therapist on a regular basis.  Here are some links that would be helpful. chadd.org/parent-to-parent/

These links are to find an ADHD coach in your area. 

chadd.org/professional-dire...

adhdcoaches.org/ 

jstcoachtraining.com/coachi...

Here's a link to find a support group. 

chadd.org/affiliate-locator/

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD 

 chadd.org