Managing emotional space with 25 year old ADHD daughter

[WoollyMammoth123]

I'm thankful to be part of this group and to hear everyone's stories. My child is 25 years old and living in a different state. When she was in high school and still living with us, she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but also impairment of executive function skills, which probably should have raised an ADHD flag, but it wasn't until she was away at college that she was formally diagnosed as ADHD. She was on medication, getting counseling, and at a certain point coaching on the executive function skills throughout jr high and high school, and we have consistently encouraged her to continue to be treated in college and beyond.

Unfortunately, a lot of emotional turmoil was just internalized during her childhood -- we didn't know a lot of what she was going through because she was very quiet and private, and I thought it was more respectful not to pry. I always thought we were close -- we joked a lot together, we had a lot of family traditions, she was almost always gentle on the outside, and I didn't know what was lurking below the surface.

She's now in a relationship with someone who is very possessive. It appears from the outside that the partner is trying to destroy my daughter's connection with everyone in the family. At the same time my daughter started seeing a different counselor. And now the anger and other things are coming out in the form of "here's everything you did wrong as a parent". But it's not just me she won't communicate with -- it's all her family and friends from her childhood.

In October I flew out -- she didn't like that I just showed up on her doorstep, but she won't communicate with me. In that encounter she did say she likes that I send her a family update email every week, so I continue to do that, though I have only gotten two very short email replies since early October when I was out. She won't answer anyone's phone calls.

I'm trying to decide whether I should just fly out again in March. She doesn't want me to just show up, but if she won't communicate/coordinate with me, I wonder if I have any other choice. Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any advice?

[LisethHIS]

Hi WoollyMammoth123,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. I know you want the best for your child. As a parent myself, I know this is hard, but you have to be persistent with the calls, text, or email even if she doesn't reply. Show her respect and give her the right to make her own life without her feeling like you are controlling her. (I know you are not controlling her life, but they feel like that) During the process I know things can be hard, but just keep trying to stay connected somehow with her. I would also recommend that you get therapy to help you with this matter. Here is a link to our professional directory chadd.org/professional-dire... who understand individual who have ADHD.

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD chadd.org

[BLC89]

Hello WoollyMammoth123,

I am so sorry is happening. It can be so hard to watch as your child gets sucked into unhealthy relationships. If you need connection and feel seeing her face to face is the only way then go visit. If she doesn't like it, that's ok. You are doing it for you, and you can tell her that. You need connection with her and you will visit if you haven't heard from her in a while.

The controlling partner is really tough. ADHDers can be susceptible to being manipulated and controlled and it sucks for everyone, especially them. She likely knows that the separation is happening and isn't what she wants but she probably is too afraid of being rejected by this person to say anything. That is why she said she likes to get the family updates, it makes her feel connected.

Hopefully the new therapist will also see what is happening and help her figure it out. Do you know if the therapist is ADHD specific? If not you may suggest that she find someone who understands that part of her. It can transformative when ADHDers find someone who really "gets" them in the form of a therapist or coach.

I wish I had more to offer it is really tough when they are "adults" and you can't sway them. If you do attempt to sway them it pushes them further away.

Keep up the family updates that sounds like it helps her. To say out loud that she likes those is actually a pretty huge step for her to take. Sprinkle in information in the updates about what you have learned about yourself, ADHD or what is happening in your own growth. That may spark some ideas for her.

Hugs to you and the family, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Keep sending love to your daughter, make that a constant she can rely on. It may take a while but she will eventually find her way. Part of her knows she deserves the best and that is where the anger comes from about all the things you did "wrong" as a parent. If she didn't believe she deserves good things she wouldn't be mad about it. I hope that makes sense.

Hang in there, get support for yourself and keep sending the love.

BLC89

full disclosure I am an ADHD Parent and Adult coach and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years. I have also raised two kids with ADHD.