Acceptance

[AlexaKmom]

My 12 year old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD for about 4 years now. Lately I seem to be getting worse at accepting her limitations. I find myself constantly disappointed in what she will?can? do, yelling at her to listen more or focus better, and often not believing that she's doing her best. This past weekend, we drove 5 hours across the state so that she could see family members that she's been longing to see. She spent the majority of her time watching movies (alone) or playing on her phone. Can she actually not pull herself away from the movie when people are trying to talk to her? Does she actually feel rejected when the conversation isn't about her? In my worst moments I think she can't tolerate a little boredom or not being the center of attention because she's a jerk. I am afraid of what her life will look like if she's not able to manage boredom, or tolerate people's unintentional thoughtlessness, or open herself up to connection. I know her to be such a delightful, engaging, interesting person and I watch her "tolerating" life and people so she can get back to her safe world of watching YouTube and playing solitary video games. I know she has experienced a lot of teasing and misreads kids' thoughtlessness as rejection. I know that school expectations stress her out. I know I stress her out. But this weekend people wanted to interact with her, wanted to know her better, and she didn't? or couldn't? engage.

[Aspen797]

It’s hard seeing our beautiful, kind kids hiding away from the world. And being with family when it’s happening can bring out our own insecurities. This time of year, there is a lot of that! I actually experienced the same situation with family visiting us from out of town.

Have you wondered if perhaps your daughter is on the spectrum? Girls with autism present quite differently than boys and are very often not diagnosed until young adulthood because they camouflage/mask so well and often do not engage in stereotypical ASD behaviors. This article gives some insight into the differences:thespectrum.org.au/autism-d.... I ask because the deep emotionality and care for others is often present in those on the spectrum but the ability to take others perspectives is lacking.

Often kids want to be social but do not know how to initiate a conversation or maintain one. Anxiety creeps in and it’s easier to self-isolate. If your daughter is on the spectrum—-and even if she isn’t—speech pathologists trained in Social Thinking and pragmatic language can help. There are also online ‘girls only’ groups for girls on the spectrum that can be a good source of connection and help build self-esteem.

Hopefully others will chime in with other perspectives, mine tends to be colored by o”my own experiences

[STEM_Dad]

When I was young, I loved going to the big family gatherings at my grandparents' house. I love being part of a big family, but it's also easy to get overlooked in one.

My older brother and I were the odd ones out, and didn't socialize well with our aunts and uncles (because we were so much younger than them), but we also didn't mix well with our cousins (who were so much younger than us). Our younger brother was much closer to our cousins in age than to my older brother and I, so he would get along great with them.

For the last few years, I've known that I have Inattentive ADHD. Plus, I've known all my life that I am introverted.

My older brother is obviously socially awkward (perhaps would meet the criteria for Asperger's, now also known as ASD Level 1). So, we mostly kept to ourselves... because that's what we were most comfortable with. (Although my older brother was sometimes included with the adults, and I would be excluded from everyone else.)

That was a long time before smartphones (and even years before cell phones were widely available). So, I kept to myself, reading whatever I could find to read (usually Reader's Digest), playing Solitaire (because I knew where to find the playing cards), or watching the TV if it was turned on. (I was a TV addict from before age 10 until about age 35...if it was on, I would watch it.)

My mom and my grandma would be sure to check on me and talk with me a bit, but almost everyone wanted my grandma's time...she was the glue that held us all together, with her warmth and compassion and good humor.

.....

I'm still awkward at gatherings, but I started learning at 19 (working my first retail sales job) how to have conversations with people. I'm still introverted, but can put on an ambivert persona. But when I get overwhelmed, I have to find a retreat, and for that I tend to go to my phone.

.....

Does your daughter have anxiety?

I do.

Is she at least partially introverted?

I very much am

Does she have a place to withdraw to if she gets overwhelmed? (Many neurodivergent people are prone to overwhelm.)

If I'm in a place where I can't isolate physically (like a corner that's not crowded with other, or a porch, or a spare room), then I just kind of shrink where I am and hide my face in a book or my phone.

.....

It might be hard for your daughter to express what she's feeling and why. She might not understand it herself.

But if you can be patient and compassionate, and ask from genuine curiosity to understand her, and go down the path of asking "Why" to get down a few layers beneath the surface, maybe you'll both learn something about her.

Try to ask her what she was feeling. It's okay to express your own frustration, but try to phrase it as an "I feel" statement, but as a "you" statement (because then it would come across as an accusation).

[BardsApprentice]

My daughter (9 yo w/ ADD) does the same thing sometimes. (I did too as a kid, but with books.) We figured out that when she gets emotionally or sensory overwhelmed, she uses the technology as a way to manage it. We talked about it over Thanksgiving when we spend a week at her grandmother's house, filled with 11 people, including a new baby.) We came up with a signal. So she could let me know that she was going to take some time with her tablet or phone in another room. She agreed that when I came to get her 15 to 30 minutes later. She could talk to me or come try again. There were a couple afternoons she spent the whole time in our room on my laptop playing Minecraft. Hang in there. You're doing the best you can & so is she.🙂