I am a momma to an 11 year old boy who is newly diagnosed. Something I wish I had done years ago. It started around 8-9 where I noticed he was starting to develop noise making and fidgeting to cope with not understanding school. It progressed through 3rd grade. By 4th grade his "behaviors" according to the school were disruptive and rude, but to me.. he was just a little kid who didn't like to sit still. He was in trouble nonstop for making sounds or not wanting to sit in his seat. Teachers became almost rude to him. He feel into a depression and was beginning to be treated so horribly by the school staff. I pulled him out of public school with a few weeks left of the year due to him attempting suicide because, in his words, how school made him feel. Through the summer he was a fairly happier kid, with lots of support from me. But I had to keep him entertained nonstop, which is hard for a single working mom to achieve.
We are now 4 weeks into 5th grade, at the same school as before. Because where we live doesn't have other options and I can't afford or facilitate homeschool. He has detention for messing with a wheel on a stool. I swear, I feel the school is just attacking him constantly. Refusal to work with me or help me. He is falling further and further behind in learning. And their only concern is he is disruptive. Not violent or mean to students, just hums, won't sit still or fidgets when he doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand the lesson.
Anyone have advice on how to fight the school system to care? I'm at my wits end with worry. I just want them to stop telling him his is bad and start understanding why he does what he does. I want them to help with learning disabilities instead of ignoring my requests. I don't want to walk into my 11yr old sons room and see him trying to strangle himself ever again.. I feel super alone and haven't a clue where to start.
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JenniferElaine
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My heart goes out to you and your son. WOW that school seems to have some attitude issues.
If your son is officially diagnosed the school HAS to offer accommodations through a 504 or IEP, it is federally mandated.
That said, it sounds like what you have are some very small minded people who have decided they are going to "win" in the battle with your son. If a teacher can't get passed a kid wiggling or humming then they have a lot to learn about teaching young kids. That is an attempt to exert their authority over the kids and their behavior. Sadly their "authority" is all they have to feed their self worth.
So, what can you do? You can get an IEP or 504 in place, sorry to have to add to your list of To Dos. That will mandate support for him and they may be able to test him for any other learning differences. If he doesn't read well, very common with ADHD, or is a visual learner and they just lecture then he needs supports for other ways to get the information into his mind.
When dealing with small minds you need to tread lightly. It indicates very fragile egos and those people are terrible to deal with. You need them to support your kid and if they feel friction from you also that support may be withheld due to their limited capacity to understand the situation and their need to "win".
I am so sorry you are dealing with this type of staff at your school. Is it possible to go higher up to the Super Intendant of the district? If you explain in a calm cool manner, no judgement, just facts of what you have seen and the lack of support, lack of response to your requests, etc, their weak arguments about the "disruption" will fall flat. If you happen to have an attorney friend that could also come in handy with an official letter written requesting the 504 or IEP be put in place, sent to his school and CC the district officials also. Sometime the little minds need to know that their boss is in the loop in order to get traction.
Explain to your son that he is fabulous just the way he is. He looks at the world differently than his teachers do. The teachers do not understand how his mind works and that is why they get frustrated, they don't know what to do. The teachers aren't as creative as he is so they lack the ability to come up with interesting ways to teach him. You are working on getting him support with other staff that are more creative and you won't stop until you find someone or a team that can help him. Remind him he is a hard worker and can do hard things.
Keep the lines of communication as open as possible with your son. Ask him to let you know how he is feeling about school and life in general every single day. Give him space to rant about how "stupid his teachers are!" (ok I just made that up, but you get the drift, let him rant) I am not sure how much you discussed his suicide attempt but make that an ok topic to discuss. Let him know that you want him to stick around to see all the wonders the world has to offer. So if he is ever feeling any where close to that feeling he needs to let you know.
This is not a popular statement with most parents but I will put it out there, remember that his grades don't count until high school. Let him know that he just needs to get through school he doesn't have to get all As or Bs. Just pass 5th grade so he can move on.
As much as the budget will allow find interesting things for him to do after school and on the weekends.
I wish I had more to offer. This group is always here to lend an ear when you need it. Take care of yourself and explain to your son that you are there for him and working on it as best you can. Find support for yourself too. Having a kid that stressed out or sad is not easy for anybody let alone with the added pressure of being a single working mom.
BLC89
full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and have raised two kids with ADHD.
This will sound horrible but I believe in bribes. We give monetary "gifts" to everyone. Bribe bribe bribe. Plus I am in constant touch and brainstorm ideas with the school.Some people just suck though. I've said before that my daughter's third grade teacher said she was stupid. That teacher was stupid! And there was no fixing her. Thankfully we have a good school that fired her after her first year.
Anyway, can you move? Because if there is no other option you may need to.
Sorry you guys are struggling with this situation. Thanks for being a part of this group and for sharing your struggles with us..Just curious what type of tools your son has in dealing with his ADHD symptoms?
Children with ADHD benefit from therapy, medication and an educational plan. Our son also needs a lot of exercise to help calm him. Some families have success with 1 or 2 of these tools.
If you put in writing you want an assessment for academics, social-emotional and any other assessments you would like and send/deliver it to the special education dept. ( not your child's school front office) you start the timeline for them to start the process of assessment.
Since I work in education...I see the good, the bad and the ugly.
Since I am a parent of a child with ADHD who had horrible struggles in middle school, I have been down this road. What I have learned is my child either needs to work in the system (have the skills to learn to be in the classroom and be able to learn) or move to a different learning environment. No child should be treated poorly by staff or peers.
For us we worked on helping our son be the best he could be ( in school and out of school ).
Don't get me wrong, there were reports from us about people who did not treat our son fairly at all. But of son also did a lot of things wrong.
If you have not worked in a educational system you do not understand what teachers and staff are struggling with (again all kids should feel safe to learn) and children not doing their work should not be allowed.
We hope this space helps support you we are always here for you.
My heart broke reading your post. Honestly it sounds like it could have been written by my sister but in 6th grade instead of 5th. My nephew has ADHD, mild Tourette’s (humming, noise repetitions), and dyslexia. His school qualified him for an IEP under other health impaired for his ADHD but did not realize he had /or assess for dyslexia or Tourette’s. The upshot of this was that he fidgeted and hummed more in classes with more reading as he was lost and anxious and stressed. His dyslexia was not identified and so his needs for specialized ELA instruction was not being addressed. An ignorance about Tourette’s meant that he was punished for behavior’s outside of his control. In 6th grade his nervous ‘noises’ and fidgets were deemed disruptive and he was placed in the hallway during class. This made him a target of bullying of course and things spiraled with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation.
My sister was doing her end—he was seeing a therapist and on medication for attention/impulsivity. But the school, well-meaning and kind in elementary, indifferent in middle school, and not familiar with dyslexia or Tourette’s or following IDEA at either, did not do their part. As Onthemove noted, all parts are critical. It’s like a three legged stool. You miss the education piece, the medication piece or the therapy piece and things start to topple.
Does your son have the medication and therapy pieces? If you haven’t already, consider seeing a developmental behavioral pediatrician or neuropsychologist for more thorough testing. If you have a university hospital nearby, they should have these professionals on staff. They can give you much greater insights into any hidden issues that might be contributing to your child’s difficulties and specific tools/ therapies to address them.
Have you requested an evaluation for special education services through the school? A medical diagnosis qualifies your child for a 504 plan for accommodations. However, an educational diagnosis through their evaluation process can open the door for specialized instruction and related services (speech, OT, etc) as well as accommodations. As part of their evaluation they are supposed to assess all areas of suspected disability, even if it’s not the main reason for your request. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know which is why an eval from a developmental behavioral pediatrician or neuropsych can be helpful.
If you haven’t already, reach out to your state’s parent resource center for help understanding your child’s rights and finding resources in your community. parentcenterhub.org/find-yo...
Your state’s disability rights office can also be a great source of legal information and advocacy help. ndrn.org/about/ndrn-member-...
Lastly, just want to add that my nephew just graduated high school (a great supportive school) with honors and is doing great.
One more thing! PACER is a parent education and advocacy organization out of Minnesota but they are known nationally for their incredible resources and workshops. They have a live/web stream workshop next Thursday on the IEP process, including requesting an evaluation. Check it out under ‘workshops’ on their main page. Here is a link to another page on their site that goes over the whole special Ed process: pacer.org/parent/understand...
Replying to all. THANK YOU. He is very newly diagnosed, so we are currently looking into a behavioral management system. We live in a relatively small town, so sadly there aren't a ton of resources locally, or at least that I have been told about/found thus far. No medication as of yet either. I am scared of medication because of horror stories I've heard, with him struggling mentally I am worried it would make him even more depressed. But am not closed minded to it. He has had detention 3x this week alone for impulsive "noises & blurting" or "fidgeting" He is exhausted, I am exhausted.
I live in South Dakota, so I haven't seen advocates available either so far, but doctor did show me the CHADD.com site. So I have been reading and reading trying to find similar stories to go from. Dyslexia was discussed way back in kindergarten but was too early to diagnose. Covid came, and it's like the teachers and staff all just stopped caring. 3 years I have asked for help; I had no idea I had to formally ask about the behavioral testing through the state.. like it was some weird kept secret. He struggles with both Math and Reading. I feel so dismissed, ignored, and brushed under the rug. It honestly feels like the school just wanted to push him along, so they didn't have to deal with him. At home, he is kind and honestly pretty quiet, I don't see the same behaviors he apparently shows at school. He comes home and says he feels like he has a magnifying glass on him at all time, but never to help, only to punish. I am in the process of filing the paperwork to get into a 504 or IEP, something I didn't even know existed till his pediatrician told me. I don't have a clue where to begin, what he needs, what works for him, nothing. because at home I am calm and redirect. I get that at school they have 28 other students in the class, he isn't a #1 priority. But they find time to write me a novel every time he does something wrong, yet can't find time to teach him, learn about him, have compassion, or work with me?!
Sorry for the vent, I didn't realize how low I was feeling and hard this was till I really started writing about how I feel. Thanks all for listening and giving me ideas. Its so appreciated!!
Hang in there JenniferElaine! It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to help your son. The IEP will help. Some accommodations that have helped my kids, who also fidget, are: chewing gum, having a “kick band” on their chair, having a fidget cube in their pocket, being able to stand next to their desk or at the back of the room, and being given little jobs or errands by their teachers when they need to get up and move around. An occupational therapist can help in this area. Sending you lots of encouragement.
My apologies because I only skimmed your post. Has he been referred to any specialists? He may need an evaluation for Tourette Syndrome based on what you’re describing. I’m wondering because of the noises you’re describing and prominent they seem to have been and how much social effects (negative ones) they seem to have had on his school and friend/peer experience? A majority of kids with Tourette’s have ADHD, but not everyone with ADHD has Tourette’s. You can have vocal tics and ADHD and not have Tourette’s. However, with the more complex picture of possible learning difficulties you’re describing, I’m thinking he would benefit from a comprehensive evaluation if you could get one somewhere (Pediatric Neurologist or child psychiatrist, plus child psychologist to do LD or neuropsychological evaluation). Are you comfortable sharing where in SD you are located? Or maybe your pediatrician can refer you to whoever s/he likes. I live in Denver metro and down here Children’s Hospital Colorado’s Developmental Pediatrics Department Clinic might even see him depending on his insurance. It’s a long wait here though. I’d probably start with child psychiatry but he also sounds like he needs formal LD testing. And I’m heartbroken hearing of his suicidal thoughts. (I’m a pediatrician and have 2 kids with autism & ADHD). Sending you big hugs!!!!
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