Can anyone relate. 12 year old daughter

[Molly544]

Hi. I've been quite concerned over my daughter. She has had quite a traumatic childhood which I've always tried to bear in mind (her dad passed away when she was around 6 ) when I approach or handle situations with her but I now feel in a impossible position 2 years ago she had a big move which she has moved around over the years. 2 years ago was another country which was different culture and accents. Before she moved she was I'd say manageable she was around 10 years of age. She was so positive, up beat, chirpy, loving. Excitable, open minded, responded well to interaction and communication. I just feel like recently we have hit a brick wall. She is in therapy. I'm not aware of how this is going as we seem to get very little information on progress or topics on which upset my daughter. The school have also expressed concerns and home life for my daughter is becoming challenging. I noticed from a young age my daughter was unable to allow her peers to have their own ideas. She had to be in control at all times. If she hasn't chosen the topic of conversation or the game or the song. She will remove herself or be over powering before she gets what she wants. She expresses this desire for independence but emotionally very fragile and unstable. Friendships are becoming harder to form because of her behaviour. She is obsessed with swearing and l think she thinks its cool. To the point I was quite surprised she has started listening to Eminem. Which was a rapper I would listen to but that was 18 years ago ! She has no idea what the big bad world imposes but has found it apon her self to not want to come home from school and has said she would rather do a step goal her reason for not wanting to come home from school. Very much an attention seeker. Will giggle for long periods of time. Anytime I try and say right from wrong. She will break down crying. My daughter is quick to address others and their flaws but when you become the parent and try and educate on things becomes very challenging. To the point I feel for my own emotional well being. I have to take a step back as I feel I have hit this brick wall. She has said she likes to be alone and wants to be left alone. I take this statement as what could be wrong to want to be and feel this way. As I see this as a isolation method. She cannot tell you in words why she feels the way she does or what is exactly causing it which is adding more to the frustration. She has also described her bedroom as her safe place. At 12 years old myself I wouldn't of thought to describe my bedroom as my safe place. I get why it is a safe place but just the words chosen has surprised me. The communication has broken down and without sounding harsh. The last 3 months I've noticed when she is talking I honestly cannot make sence of what she is talking about. I hear her. I listen. The words are said correctly but the sentences and what the topic is does not match. Where I am left scratching my head and I struggle to get any emotional bearing with her. It just seems to be my daughter is going back the way instead of forward. My daughter will put different accents on. She will speak in a posh accent. She will deliberately lower her voice to talk in a deep tone. Her accents can be quite erratic. She has became quite cheeky and will answer back all the time. I am coming to terms with this change but I feel alone with my worries and concern. Can anyone relate?

[Kd1970]

It is a very difficult age. You probably would have seen much the same problems even if you had not moved, so don’t beat yourself up over the move. Peers and hormones have such a strong effect at this time in her life. The “safe space” is her refuge from the stress in her life. Try to join her in the safe space so that she feels that you are safe too. It was around 12 years old when I started intentionally hugging my daughter. I had read somewhere that the brain doesn’t register the hug unless it lasts at least 6 seconds. I told her that we were going to do 6-second hugs every day. She put up with it begrudgingly. Now, almost 2 years later, she initiates the hugs and has decided they should be 8 seconds. Keep reaching out to her. Let her talk even when it doesn’t make sense. She needs you.

[eva2022]

Hello! I want to tell you that I admire how well you know your child. You are really tuned in to her!

Some of these traits (inflexibility/being in her own world) remind me of my own son. I think your daughter is a little too old for this, but we use the ‘Superflex-A Superhero Social Thinking Curriculum’ with him. It was recommended to us by a developmental pediatrician. I wonder if there is something more age-appropriate for her?

The only other thing is a bit silly-whenever my son is acting in a disregulated way, I try to remind myself that HE is on an emotional roller coaster but I do not have to hop on!

We are here for you when you need us!

[Knitting20projects]

I would definitely, as a parent, want to know what the therapist thinks is her diagnosis, and what her treatment plan is. I would ask what the expected timeline is to see an improvement. Honestly, if you aren’t seeing any improvement, I would consider a second opinion from a different professional. At 12, I understand she deserves some confidentiality about exactly what content she discusses in sessions. You as her parent need to know her diagnosis and plan, though. I am also wondering about her apparent inflexibility and expectation that other people will conform to her demands. Has that been a chronic issue? Sometimes inflexibility is not recognized earlier because younger peers don’t protest as much or isolate kids as much who behave this way. At 12, peers will bristle at this behavior and understandably refuse to comply. Those would be my questions for her therapist. I would want someone who really understands executive functioning weaknesses and how they can manifest at different ages to be evaluating her behavior. She may need teachers and you to fill out a more comprehensive behavior questionnaire like the BRIEF. I would really consider a child psychologist evaluation by someone well trained in autism. At minimum she may need a screening executive functioning and social skills difficulties. I would want them to look through that lens at her behavior. My 2 cents—-which may be completely wrong!!! Big hugs and best wishes to you. (I have a 12 year old son who was ultimately diagnosed with autism at 12, after being called ADHD only for years, by multiple professionals. I finally pushed for additional evaluation because my husband and I were so stressed out trying to parent him).

[Ejcox2002]

Hey!

Okay, your daughter sounds a little like me. I lost my mum at a similar age and like her, I spent many years in different countries. I have ADHD and am also autistic- I am a teacher and not an Ed Physc so, obviously advice is not medical- but it could be worth considering if Austism is also a part.

You sound amazing, by the way. Well tuned which is great!

My bedroom was my safe place- the world seemed to move a little slower. It was how I wanted it, and things were right.

I also relate to so much personally, including the mumbling, etc.

How did I overcome some of my challenges- I had coaching and therapy. -but thankfully my dad got me an ADHD specialist (for me even at 14 (took me a good number of year's to go), being an ADHD/autism specialist they were able to relate and help more than neuro typical ones.

Okay, this made zero sense, I just can relate so much with your daughter! Any questions ask!

Also- I listened to this audiobook-The Four Thoughts That F*** You Up book. Based on Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy.