About 6 months ago, my 7-year old son with ADHD started to get incredibly panicked and scared about going to bed at night in his own room. He would cry and beg us to not have him sleep there. He has a very active imagination, and he talked about seeing figures in his room, and about deep loneliness and fear of being alone. If somehow he did manage to go to bed in his own room, he almost always would get up in the middle of the night to come and our room (sometimes repeatedly if we put him back down in his own) and need to sleep with us.
We felt bad for him and had read that this could be a phase that kids with ADHD experience around age 8. So at this point, he sleeps with my wife or I at night.
We're at the point now where we want to help him work through this, but nothing has worked so far. Has anyone else experienced this and have anything they could recommend? My wife and I both experienced fear of going to bed at night as children ourselves, but never to this extent.
Here's what we've tried: He's in a shared room with his younger brother (4 years old). He was on the top bunk, but now we've unstacked them so that they're both on ground level. We check under beds and in closets before he sleeps and makes sure the closet door is firmly shut before bed. He has a soft red nightlight. We keep his door open and we leave our doors open as well. We've also tried melatonin, but that only seems to help him go to sleep and he still gets up in the middle of the night.
Thanks for any insights!
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dtrain5
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How about a baby monitor where you can both speak to each other? If he knows someone will come in if he is frightened he may feel reassured about staying in bed and asking for a visit?
Hello dtrain5,I'm sorry your little one is going thru this. It's interesting both you and your wife went thru the same thing and very cool that you understand what he's experiencing.
Some kids can't turn off their brain once things get quiet.
Suggestion: bedtime wind down (you may do this already) with a recap of the day (get anything potentially upsetting out of head head) happy/silly books and maybe even some Sleepy Time tea. Melatonin can help them fall asleep, as you mentioned, but it can also mess with the body's natural Melatonin production.
Another thought, my daughter slept with the light fully on. Not sure that would be great for the 4 yo but maybe brighter lights could help, because we all know nothing scary comes out if the lights are bright😉
Last thought, a huge teddy bear. Something that he can really hug and feels substantial. That might help when he wakes in the night to have something to snuggle.
The biggest thing is getting his mind to settle or at least focus on silly/happy stuff.
OK, last, last thought, if possible start some short meditations with him (or the whole family it's good for everybody) There is a ton of research showing the huge positive impact mindfulness can have for people with ADHD. You would be giving him a life long gift. It can be as short as 2 min and he can be moving it doesn't have to be " clear your mind, don't move" type thing. He learns to change what he is focusing on and stop scary thoughts before they overwhelm him.
I found some good kid friendly meditations I can forward to you if you like.
Good luck,
BLC89
Full disclosure I am an ADHD coach, have two grown ADHD kids and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years
Hello @BLC89. Based on your response, I can hear you've got a lot of experience here. Please be so kind as to share the kid friendly meditations. This is definitely something my family and I would like to try - we have a 6yo recently diagnosed with ADHD - who has also started becoming afraid at night... and my husband is having an assessment soon too.
I found one, of many, mindfulness, guided meditations. This one is the most meditationy in that it walks you through placing your hand on your belly to focus on your breath, and picturing their breaths moving in the body, etc.
This is narrated by John who also has the kids bring up someone they are grateful for. It seems like the most explanatory one I found.
youtu.be/IN5z4gNOVYg
10 minute meditation for kids by Goodful
You can search youtube.com guided meditations for kids and lots come up. "New Horizons" seem to focus on pure bright white light and visualizing breathing it in, it seems like a stretch for kids to be able to do it but if yours can great, they have a lot of different meditations.
I hope that helps. I would love to know how it goes.
Sorry you guys are going through this. We also went through this very thing with our son (now 8) we let him sleep with us for almost a year which led to us getting less sleep and of course reinforcing. In hindsight, by accomodating his fears we were unknowingly telling him without words we didnt think he could handle being in his room and that his fears were "real." I also felt bad because I remembered being scared sometimes but not to that extent. Things we did that helped alot- give guanfacine in late afternoon/evening. (Others have used clonidine and from what I understand can be more sedative) Obviously for adhd sx but also helped get him a little more relaxed/sleepy. Letting him have a sleep story on while falling asleep, telling him that we were all done with letting him sleep in our bed because we knew he could sleep in his bed. "We wouldn't ask him to do it if we didn't think he was ready." And this for us helped huge- I printed 3 golden tickets and laminated them. They were on his bedside table each night and if he had a worry he could use a ticket to call me in. Once the tickets were gone I would no longer be coming in and if he got out of his bed he would be going right back..so he should be really picky about what he calls me in for. Within a week he was down to using only 1 ticket a night and then soon after no tickets were needed. Obviously big praise for it all. The past yr there have been maybe 5 times where he had a bad nightmare or a strong thunderstorm and he snuck in bed with us and I'm okay with that! Also, now for fun or reward..every once and awhile, we give him a "sleepover" night in our room where he gets to stay up a bit later and cuddle with us. I know it's not easy. I remember all to well the frustration, worry and sleep deprivation from it all. I hope some of my advice can help
First, rather than bring him to your room, make sure he's still sleeping in his bed. Yes, it's sort of a normal developmental stage. We found a few strategies that collectively work quite well:
1) a bit of extra attention and wind-down time near bed. Reading together, or playing a low-key board game, or even just snuggling and chatting.
2) periodic relaxation exercises throughout the day. Since ADHD impacts emotional regulation, it's important to drain off some of the lingering stresses of the day. Doing this throughout the day is more effective than at night.
3) validate his fear. So often we try and rationalize the fear away, and we forget what it was like as a kid. You can try rationalization, but that's a conversation to have during the day, and is not generally effective in de-escalating. Instead meet him on an emotional level.
4) teach him to use his imagination. Most fears at that age are born from imaginary threats. My son imagined magic vaccum cleaners to suck up any ghosts that entered his room, sentry robots to battle off the monsters, etc.
5) we still keep him company when he needs it, but we start by asking what he's already tried on his own, and he gets three coins when he goes to sleep on his own, which can be traded for a few different rewards. We also heap on the praise for strategies he tries, or if he decides to go back to bed on his own to try them, and especially when he gets through a rough night. Kids with ADHD get roughly 20x the negative feedback compared to neurotypical kids, so we need to balance the scales as much as possible.
6) we remember that this is a stage, and he will work his way through it.
Remember that even as adults we have trouble sleeping, and that's despite having more tools and experience to draw on. They need time and practice, and a lot of help from mom and dad.
Against all sensible advice, I slept on my 6-7 yo son's floor for a year because of a similar situation when he started meds. When I stopped after his 7th bday, he was very angry with me, but he's fine sleeping on his own now, and only gets me up once in a while. Not saying this is the right choice, but w/ 2 other kiddos sleeping right next to him at the end of the same hallway + a wife working non-stop & feeding her sleep, I just went with it. Tbh, sometimes I miss it; it was kind of comforting for me, too 🙄😁
Everyone has given some great suggestions! Additional things that come to mind:
- weighted blanket (might help him sleep through the night)
- special stuffie to protect him [could be weighted, could have a massager inside (search "huggable massager"), could be large, could be fierce looking] - whatever he thinks would help protect him and make him feel safe
- fairy dust (I emptied out a travel baby powder container and put baking soda in it with a new label) - sprinkle around the room as needed along with whatever story about the fairies protecting him that makes sense to you. At this age, have him keep it by the bedside in case he needs it in the middle of the night.
- special flashlight or nightlight that makes him feel safe
- it may sound strange, but with my daughter I ended up hanging baby blankets from the top bunk in order to enclose the bottom bunk. This made her feel safer for some reason.
- a string of tape lights that changes color (put it on the wall/ceiling if in top bunk/underneath top bunk if in bottom bunk). Give him the controller so he can find the settings he likes best
- cd player or ipod/mp3 player where you can loop the music to play all night. Try Mozart or Brahms.
- white noise machine with different options like beach waves, crickets, etc
- ask him what would make him feel safe
Best wishes!!!
My kids have been going through this too. We haven’t budged and we never allowed kids to go and sleep with us in bed. I was worried that once this is allowed once then it will be difficult to say no. In fact my kids don’t even go up to the top floor to our bedroom and that’s great to have this space just for us.
What helped my kids was getting loads of cuddly toys. Ever since they were little they were allowed to chose for birthdays and Xmas etc soft toys of their choice and we told them that ‘polar bear’ or a ‘snake’ or a ‘crocodile’, ‘snow leopard’ …. Yes we have the whole zoo😄We told them that they don’t have to be scared because ‘snappy snap’ (crocodile) is protecting him at night etc. These are very big cuddly toys and we encouraged kids to hug them at night. We have now like this fun ritual that in the evening both my sons are doing ‘Mummy, who should I sleep with tonight?’ And they talk to their cuddly toys and tell them ‘I slept with you yesterday so today it’s doggy’s turn.’
The idea with the baby monitor with a camera suggested by someone else here is also very good and we have had it for a while but it was annoying me with the white noise it made however my kids were reassured that they can just quietly call and that I would come.
We also were always chatting with kids about what is made up and not real- so we laugh about ghosts and monsters and keep telling them that these are imaginary things. I never did checking under bed etc because this means you take the bait and agree that those creatures exist and potentially they can be in the bedroom. I always preferred to talk about dreams and how our imagination does it to us- that at night we have bad dreams etc.
What I’d say- it’s just a phase and your child will grow out of this.
Also what I’d say, having kids in separate bedrooms I think works better because they can’t feed on each others fears and they don’t wake each other when one is scared. However since you already have this arrangement that they do sleep in shared bedroom then it’s probably too late to change it and especially not now when the older child does have this high imagination and scared phase.
My son has had a phase when he needed a night light and I am sure you did your research about the red light?? We just had a plug light and then he also had for a while some kind of night lamps and luckily they don’t need this stuff anymore now.
Now my younger is 8 and older is 10 and they are totally fine and no nightmares or waking at night so yes- it seems to be just a phase and most kids go through it.
I also explained to my kids a couple of years back that for a good sleep it’s best to have full darkness but we leave light on the landing so when they need to get out of their rooms they immediately have some light.
We also have a movement sensor light in kids bathroom so even when they were little and needed to go to the loo at night - they didn’t need to look for a light switch, light just turned on when they walk to the bathroom.
Last but not least, I was making sure that kids don’t drink too much before bed time so they wouldn’t need to wake for pee at night.
I had night terror as a child . The fear is real very real . You are already been given amazing advise and some of it will help . I just remember that all I needed was to feel safe . Now my 7 year old too has night terror . I tried many things to help him .and he kept coming to our bed . I decided to get him a small air mattress and put by our bed . It’s like an issue have policy for him , he knows if he is scared he can go there and we keep encouraging him to “be brave “. Surprisingly he sleeps more in his bed now and some nights comes to “his mattress “. Good luck
I went through this with my daughter. I got her a nighttime noise maker with light. Then I got some small puck size lights. They can be changed to any color and are remote controlled and have timers. I set these in the closet, under the beds and near the door and her bed. I use the timer so they turn off on their own and the noise maker has a timer as well. Hope this helps!
We had a very similar issue with our kid at that age before we even knew about the ADHD. Ultimately what worked was meditation before bed and a kid mattress on the floor in our bedroom.
A few meditation options:
1) find a nice script you can read before bed (kids respond well to their parents’ voices) - here is an example of one that is similar to what we used: rainbowlighttherapies.com.a...
2) find a good recorded meditation you can play the kids. I know there are lots, but our kids really liked the “Spaghetti Toes” and “Changing Channels” short meditations by Terry Orlick - just found it now available on you tube (we had CDs) m.youtube.com/channel/UCUdT...
As for the mattress in your bedroom, make it sufficiently equipped (sheets and blanket) but not too comfy so that they prefer their bed. They need to know that when they use it they should not wake you up unless it’s an emergency.
I had a hard time sleeping away from my parents because I was terrified of someone breaking into the house. One thing that did eventually work was being allowed to sleep in my parents bedroom but on the floor in a sleeping bag. It took a few months but I eventually went back to my own bed. Just a thought.
My parents let us sleep on the floor by their bed if we were scared, but not in their bed. Maybe that could be a first step before he sleeps in his room.
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